12

So I talked to my lawyer and have decided that I have to think of these incoming little souls. I mean… this is shitty. Really fucking shitty but they deserve better than this so… with Rhiannon's' pushing and gentle ear bashing… I know the only way forward is as a single father. After all, technically these are her kids too ya know.

I have to get over this dream of me and Jack co-parenting these little ones, this idyllic dream of us at the cottage laughing as the kids run in the tall grass, me and Jack hand in hand walking barefoot with the sleeves of our shirts rolled up to the elbow, just content and in love. God, like the video for some love song. I cannot believe I was in a Fog too. I sat up all night staring into space as my brain whirred over past events and now I know I was a bloody love struck idiot. The rose tinted glasses are off, I assure you.

I was such a bloody fool. I am ashamed now. I have read back over your comments and advice and I know… I know I needed to have been more open to you. You are right. You were all along.

I have decided to file for divorce.

My only problem now is getting my stuff back as she is there. Jack left for work but she is there sitting on the sofa I chose eating crackers and watching daytime soaps while cooking a roast for her precious boy. She is so pleased with herself. Why shouldn't she be? She won. Right?

I need to get…. I know. I will ask Johnty Fuck Face.

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So John called around and told her he was taking her out for lunch, made her flustered and excited as he drove her into town to an eatery I told him she loved and I would pay him handsomely to keep her at for at least an hour.

I enter the flat and it stinks of her, god it reeks. It doesn't feel like home anymore. It's like some strange smudging or something would be needed for that and it is just some strange place. I gather my things as fast as I can and find myself hesitating before I leave, going into her room to find… yeah… she is turning her room into a nursery with a bassinette by her bed like she is about to be a new mother.

I am sickened by it, as much as by the fact Jack seems to be allowing this bullshit.

I place the divorce papers on her bed knowing she will make him sign them. He might falter but she will get what she wants. Well… not everything, these babies are mine. She made sure of that.

I leave this world behind, the love of my life is over and a new day has to begin.

God, I don't know who I am without him.

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UPDATE

Jack rang screaming his head off. Apparently COW found the papers and submitted them … without telling him. LOL. Seems COW can sign Jack's signature. Told him gleefully that she's been doing it for years, like she did her husband's. Oh dear. More crapolla is flying around the room like a Pollok painting. Seems Jack is finding out all about mother dearest's ability to withdraw money from the trust fund… oh dear. Well…. She DOES love gambling… we all know that right?

Once upon a time I would have been horrified for him, rushed to comfort and help him sort this out but now… well… all I can do is devour each word like it's a sushi platter while giggling softly to myself. What goes around comes around eh lover. Strange right? Now he is her victim and he wants me to do something? Say something? Like…. What? Let me think, what did you say to me? Oh yeah "She's just still mourning Dad, she just needs time. She's getting old ya know."

Weird really, the way I feel now like… it's not real anymore. I am detached, it's sad and I told him it is a shame but… what does he want me to do about it? She's not my family anymore.

Neither is he.

He made his bed and now she must lie in it.

Cue silence, just the sound of his breathing as I tell him I love him, will always love him but at some point I must love myself because clearly… he doesn't.

I felt weird to hang up on him. To sit there with those words rolling around the room like an echo.

But there.

I said it.

I did it.

And I hope one day I will breathe again without that pain deep down in my gut.

Thanks for listening to me and your support right now is… great.