div class="chapter preface group" style="border-width: 1px 0px 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.5em 3em; padding: 0.643em 0.643em 0px; float: none; color: #2a2a2a; border-style: solid initial initial initial;" role="complementary"
div id="notes" class="notes module" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0.643em; position: relative; width: auto; float: none; clear: right; min-height: 5em;"
blockquote class="userstuff" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 1em; line-height: normal; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0.643em; padding: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word;"
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"strongJKR is awful and she sucks. Fuck JKR, I do not support her at all./strong/p
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div class="userstuff module" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; width: 1088.64px; float: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; color: #2a2a2a;" role="article"
h3 id="work" class="landmark heading" style="border-width: 0px 0px 0.25em; border-image: initial; outline: 0px; font-weight: 500; font-style: inherit; font-size: 0px; font-family: Georgia, serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0.125em; overflow-wrap: break-word; line-height: 0; opacity: 0; height: 0px; clear: both; color: transparent; border-color: initial initial #333333 initial; border-style: initial initial double initial;"Chapter Text/h3
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"1975 || April 29th/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"James POV || March 21st/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emDear Mum and Dad,/em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emLily still isn't going out with me. Why does she hang around that blasted Snape?! He's so slimy and into the Dark Arts and he's been cruel to Remus since day one! And he makes Peter anxious and I saw him, SAW HIM, with my own very eyes, hexing animals by the lake. She is so pretty and kind and amazing and fierce, why, oh WHY is she with him?!/em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emYou both didn't write me back last week. Well, you did, but it was so short! What's keeping you busy, hmm?/em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emWith ALL THE LOVE,/em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emJames Potter/em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I send on the letter, my hands pressed to my chest as I try and fail to warm myself. The weather is warming up, and spring is right around the corner, floating around in butterfly shaped whispers, but I have never felt colder. Not even Lily-watching or staring at Snape's name on the Marauder's Map is helping me./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Unable to stand being by myself, I hurry out of the Owlery, desperate for companionship, any kind of human contact, oh Godric, anything./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm shivering and feel as if I'm encased in ice as I sprint down the corridors, down the stairs, leaning way too far over the banisters, laughing when I nearly fall off. The thrill of adrenaline turns my icy, frigid chest cavity to something a little softer./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I check the common room, the dormitory, even the bathrooms, but don't find my friends./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm about to leave the boy's bathroom when I see my reflection. Everything is in tip top, tippy top shape! But…but…oh Merlin. Oh God./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Horrified and anxious, I throw my robes to the floor, pressing my hands to my shoulders, my face, my stomach. Suddenly, the perfect reflection in front of me looks awful. My face is too childish, my shoulders are too thin, my stomach is still soft. Is this what Lily sees, a goddamn child?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Staring at myself, hand embedded deep into my atrocious hair, I notice the crazed gleam in my eye. Why do I look like that? Oh God, is that what Lily sees? Does she think I'm crazy?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""...no idea where he went, he's probably staring at the mirror again."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Remus, you're still limping!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""I'm in a lot of pain, lads, do you mind if I lay down?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Of course not, you look like shite, mate. No offense."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I want to join them, I know I ought to, Remus needs me and Peter is going to steal things and Sirius sounds angry. But I can't stop obsessing over my body. My face, my tummy, my hair, my shoulders, my hands./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm pressing my hands to my middle and sucking in when Sirius appears behind me in the mirror./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He scoffs, sighing with an eye roll and head shake. "James. For fuck's sakes."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I frantically flap my hands before gesturing to myself. "Sirius! Do I look…do I look…"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He snickers, coming over to me and patting my shoulder as I groan into my hands. "You're gorgeous, James. Same as always."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I shake my head. "No, no, no! Sirius, look at me. Look at me! I saw myself in the mirror and I look ridiculous! Sirius, do I have a stomach?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He rubs his forehead, looking thoroughly annoyed. "No, James. No one gives a shit about your stomach."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Moaning in distress, I lift up my untucked shirt. Sirius sniggers, hand going up to cover his mouth./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I drop my shirt at once, my face red. Sirius reaches to pat my shoulder, but it's too late. My hand grabs my wand, and my mouth is twisting to pronounce the cruelest hex I can think of./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius stampers out an apology as his ears turn into trumpets, but I'm too angry. I brush past him out of the loo, making sure to step on his foot./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"An hour later, when free period is over and I've created an entire colony of yellow birds out of paper, I smack my forehead. Dammit! What was I mad about?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I find Sirius laying on Remus's bed as they read together. I don't even pay any mind to how close they're sitting by each other./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius looks up with noticeable trepidation as I lean against the bedpost. His ears are thankfully back to normal. "Mate, I-"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I wave impatiently. "I'm sorry for turning your ears into trumpets."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus grins a little. "Was that an apology from James Potter?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I roll my eyes. "Don't get used to it. I've got to keep the reputation."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My anger now dissipated, I blow a breath out and give them a nervous smile. "So…how do I look at this angle?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus laughs, and Sirius smiles at me fondly. "There he is."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"James,/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Son, we have just been informed of your grades./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"James, this is unacceptable. These antics will get you nowhere in life. You are only hurting yourself. I know you're capable of much more, we've seen it./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"With love,/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Mum and Dad Potter/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The most recent letter is still in my pocket when I'm walking with the Marauders by the Black Lake. I'm trembling from how cold I am. My chest is actually hurting, it's that intense. Not even all the hexes I threw at various Slytherins today could ease the pain./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Next to me, Sirius dramatically sighs. "I'm bored."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I look around for something to do, a Slytherin for target practice./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I spot Snape, and I grin. "Bingo. Oi, Snivelly!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My mind becomes a hot, hazy blur. I'm laughing as heat rushes back into my body, and I can breathe again./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Stop! Stop it, Potter!/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Only if you go out with me, Evans./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"….arrogant toerag! I'm surprised your broom can get off the ground, with your fat head on it!/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm putting my wand down, watching everything unfold very quickly./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"….Mudblood!/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"James…./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm cold. I'm cold. It was warm, no flaming hot, I had a crowd around me, everyone watching and laughing with me, admiring me, but now I'm cold. Lily, oh God, she's storming off!/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"…too far, mate../p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"…knew Potter was so cruel?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"No one is looking at me anymore. They're all going back to their business. Am I really that cruel? What the hell did I just do?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus is tugging on my arm and bringing me back to Earth. "James, come on."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I don't get feeling back into my body until we're sat on Remus's bed. I'm hugging Mr. Dinosaur, my old stuffed animal friend I've had since age three./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius is the first to speak. "Look, I thought it was funny at first. But you've gone too far."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I don't look at him, focusing instead on Mr. Dinosaur's green fabric and sparkly blue belly./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus adds on, "That was cruel, James. You didn't have to do that to him."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Peter makes a noise of agreement. I try to act nonchalant but it's becoming much too real. I'm an asshole. "Let's just…relax and stay in here."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"All three of them nod./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"When a week goes by and not another letter comes from Mum and Dad, I feel myself unraveling. My grades are still too low, and it's not hard to figure out why./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm pulling out my old dinosaur shaped night light from first year and leaving it on all night. The dark makes me feel cold and lonely. My head is beginning to feel haunted and I've started talking to the moon out of sheer desperation./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"We're leaving Potions class after I got detention for making my potion explode, on purpose./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Even Sirius seems annoyed, but he's grinning. "Never a dull moment with you, James, is there?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus isn't having it. "James, this is the second week in a row you've ruined your own potion! Why are you doing this shit? Do you want bad grades?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I shrug, too focused on the warmth sustaining itself in my chest. "Why does it matter?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus looks at me with pure irritation. "Because, Prongs, maybe we care about you and want you to stop fucking things up for yourself?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"We care about you. That's all I need to hear. To my embarrassment, my eyes are getting moist. I look away, trying to keep my flippant posture. But it comes crumbling down within seconds when tears are rolling down my face./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius gently touches my shoulder. "A bit harsh, Remy."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I make my tone harsh as I can, but it's too late. I'm trembling like a fall leaf and dammit…I need Mum. I need Mr. Dinosaur. I need a bloody hug. "No, no, the Potion got in my eye…"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The four of us are in the library, researching things for our Animagus transformations. Sirius is talking animatedly about what it feels like as a dog. Peter timidly describes how it is for him as a rat whilst knitting. Remus is drawing, happily nomming on chocolate./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The warmth still floating in my chest from watching Regulus during Quidditch practice earlier is fading fast. Sirius has been worried for his brother, and I wanted to reassure him that Regulus is at least having fun in Quidditch./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"When Remus begins sketching a deer out of boredom, the ice fills my chest cavity again. "I'm only managing antlers and a tail so far."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Peter shrugs. "Actually, last time you got ears and a nose, too."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I scoff. "How reassuring. Why don't you go back to knitting yourself a rat sized jumper?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He ducks his head and goes back to his knitting. Remus lifts his head to scowl at me. "Stop taking the Mickey out of Pete so much, James. That looks amazing, Pete, is that a scarf?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Realizing Remus might be right, I breathe in, breathe out, close my eyes, open them./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I see Peter's knitting project, grudgingly admiring the complex stitches made from purple yarn. As annoying as Pete is, he is talented. "Not too shabby, it looks rather nice."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"All three of them look at me in shock. Peter is trying not to smile, and Sirius has a raised eyebrow./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus is smirking. "Was that a compliment?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius is snickering. "Well, well. Look at this, James Potter does have a heart."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I shrug, trying not to look too visibly pleased with myself. But even then, I feel my chest puffing out. "Oh, stop it."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Oh, it's Potter. Come on, Lils, let's just-"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My heart is skipping several beats. I feel my skin nearly flushing with the heat surging through me at hearing her voice. She's standing next to Marlene, who is also scowling at me. Godric, Lily looks so pretty today. Her hair is all disheveled and she's got pens stuck behind her ears. Does she know how cute she looks like that?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"We make eye contact, and she glares at me, clenching her hand on her wand. Sirius grips my sleeve, and I back down, turning back around staring at my hands./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Lils, back off. Don't talk to him, come on…Lily!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"A swish of red hair and robes and something smelling like flowers, and she is right by me. I can't look at her. She's so fierce./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I can tell her arms are crossed. "I hope you're happy, Potter. Oh, whats wrong, too scared to look at me? Not so confident anymore, are we? You're so fucking pathetic, Potter. You're no better than Severus, you're just as horrid!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I try to defend myself, even though I'm starting to think she's right. "Evans…"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"She spits the words out like they poisoned her. "I hate you."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I hate you./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Marlene drags her away, and I swallow uncomfortably. All at once, my insides are frozen solid, my hands are numb, and everything around me is getting…fuzzy. No one has ever truly, really hated me before./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I hate you./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"No one has ever hated me before, not ever, and least of all a girl. I didn't know I could be hated. Oh my goodness …am I that bad?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I hate you./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I look up, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Remus is sketching, Peter is knitting, and Sirius is looking at Remus's drawing. Look at me. Look at me, I need to know you all don't hate me too./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My eyes feel hot. I can't cry, this is so stupid. But try as I might, I'm shaking uncontrollably, a deep sadness is crashing over my mind, and my eyes are now blurry with tears./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. The clock is suddenly louder than ever. I can hear every little sound in the library./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My voice is weak and trembling. God! I fucking hate my voice. I fucking hate everything about myself. "Mates…do you hate me?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius scoffs, not even looking up. "Don't tell me you're letting her get to you."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm more insistent this time. "Do you hate me?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"No response from them. I frantically shake Peter's shoulder, but he only looks confused and startled. Remus slams down his pencil. "James. Not everything is constantly about you!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"All at once, all sound stops. I can only hear my heartbeat in my ears. The world is slipping away from me, slipping away into fuzz and static./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And then, and then I'm so frozen I can't breathe. My heart is speeding, my chest is going to split open. I'm going to burst. I think I might die./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I get up from my seat, slamming my hands on the table. Everything is blurry. Is my mouth moving? "I just wanted to know! Do you all fucking hate me?!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius is on his feet now. He's shushing me, trying to sit me back down. "No, no, no, James. We don't, okay? Mate, please, we really need to-"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm on my chair now, kicking my books off the table. "No more pencils, no more books!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I pretend to play guitar, giggling to myself. "No more teachers, dirty looks! Out for summer, out 'til fall!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Madam Pince is stomping towards us. I laugh and shout, "WE MIGHT NOT COME BACK AT ALL!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""MR. POTTER! Detention! Leave my library at once!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I hop off the table, unable to stop the grin on my face. I feel so much better! I dramatically bow down, even pretending to curtsy. "Will do, your majesty!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"April 1st/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My stomach is twisting with pain, my mouth tastes metallic, and I'm carrying an unconscious Severus Snape./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"James, we won't have to worry about Snivelly anymore./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius, what do you mean?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He's the reason you've got all these detentions. It's all him. Good ol Moony will help us out./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius, what the hell are you talking about?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I told that slimy git how to get past the Whomping Willow!/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I close my eyes, but only for a second. I have to get through this. Snape needs medical attention./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"SIRIUS! How could you?!/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I emerge from the passageway, struggling for breath. My stomach is hurting so badly./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The hallway is empty. Oh God, oh God! I need somebody!/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Up ahead, I see a Slytherin scarf. Gritting my teeth, I put my prejudices aside. "Oi! Can you help me?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The student drops his broom and rushes over. My vision is turning black at the edges. "Potter?! What…"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The world is tilting, I'm sick to my stomach, and my grip on Snape is weakening./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Someone else is using my mouth. "He needs medical attention. Just get us to the bloody hospital wing, yeah?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I've no idea how I make it, but I do. Once the three of us are in the hospital wing, I explain to Madam Pomfrey in a whisper. Severus is laying down, bandages swathing his body./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The Slytherin fourth year is gripping my shoulders. Why is he helping me stand up? I'm fine, I'm bloody fine. Are his eyes grey? They're kinda pretty up close. He looks familiar…/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I must be falling. Madam Pomfrey is saying something but it's just buzzing. Why does this Slytherin kinda look like…Sirius? I'm mad at Sirius, aren't I?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Miss, he's really bleeding a lot, from his stomach."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He's laying me down, but I'm weakly struggling against him. He lets go of me, and I lose all fight, flopping onto the mattress. I whimper at the soft, cushy pillow underneath my head./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""...Albus, I have a student suffering severe blood loss. Regulus, I'd ordinarily make you leave, but I need any extra hands I can get…"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Of course, of course, Miss. What do you…"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Put pressure on his wounds, he's bleeding faster than I can stop it…"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I can barely see anything; my glasses were just taken off. Is that Sirius in a Slytherin scarf? "Sirius …how could you? I trusted you."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""I'm not my idiot brother. I'm Regulus. Now shut it, you're delirious."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I'm overtaken by nausea. Before I can stop myself, I'm covered in my own mess. "You have pretty grey eyes."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"With that, I'm finally passing out, flat on my back./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"James POV/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"The gash on my stomach and chest was still healing, even though it had been a full month since I'd rescued Snape from the Whomping Willow. Remus was back in class again, Sirius had just been invited back into the Marauders, and Peter was no longer stress-shoplifting. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And me? Well...I was in the hospital wing span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"again. /span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"It had been almost imperceptible at first, the sure and sudden change in my psyche from Remus' claws. I'd been in human form, knowing that revealing Prongs to Snivellus wouldn't be wise. I knew why I'd done it, but just the sight of two humans was enough. Remus had permanently scarred me. Severus had luckily escaped his werewolf claws, but hadn't been so lucky with the whirling branches of the Whomping Willow. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"This time, I lied to the other Marauders, stating that I was talking to Madam Hooch about Quidditch stuff and it was private. I miraculously was able to be by myself, although Sirius didn't take his eyes off of me and Remus looked skeptical. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"As I walked to the hospital wing by myself, I let out a breath. I'd scarcely been able to find time for myself, and it was a weird problem to have. Either Sirius needed support, Remus was crying, or Peter was anxious. To top it off, Sirius and I weren't back to playing Quidditch yet, Sirius being in detention and me being medically barred. I loved being there for my friends, but too much was weighing on me at once. I'd begun to really feel the toll. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Madam Pomfrey nodded when I came in, gesturing to an empty bed. My heart skipped a happy beat when I saw Mum and Dad sitting in chairs by an empty bed. "Ah, Mr. Potter. Just in time, do sit down. Oh, you look pained, I have pain relieving potions-"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I quickly shook my head in refusal, but my will gave out when I made eye contact with Mum. I swallowed two potions; one to relieve pain, and one to replenish my energy. I'd been feeling so much more tired lately as my body slowly recovered. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Once I was more comfortable, Madam Pomfrey asked me to roll up my shirt, revealing the deep gash that was now a fresh scar. Once I pulled my shirt down, she took a deep breath, looking grim. "The effects of being attacked by a werewolf without being bitten have not been thoroughly studied...but I am sure you've noticed changes."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I nodded, a ball of anxiety that was perpetually living in my chest now growing in size like a metastasizing tumor. Indeed, I had. "My appetite...I hate meat now but I crave it constantly. And...it's harder to sleep at night and my senses are stronger...and.."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"She brought out a worn-looking book. "Your emotions, are they stronger?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I didn't look at anyone, uncomfortable, knowing I had to be honest. "...yes. I feel...more anxious? And at first, when I was on bed rest...I was so angry that it scared me. I'm still getting angry...I don't know why."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"When I looked at Mum and Dad, my anxiety only grew. Dad's face was pinched like always when he was worried, and Mum's lips are pressed together, her wildly curly hair beginning to spark with magic. Dad lays a gentle hand on her back, his eyes full of kindness underneath the glasses he wore. I rubbed my hands together, wondering in paranoia if they were afraid to touch me. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I was proven wrong, of course, when Mum got up, sitting next to me and pulling me into a gentle hug. "You look pale. And you're shaking...do tell me you're actually eating?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I weakly smiled. I couldn't lie to Mum. I just...couldn't. Padfoot, Wormtail, and Moony always teased me about it. "I've been eating, Mum. Maybe a little too much, I'm constantly hungry."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Mum smiles warmly. "Oh, that's normal for your age, James. You've been getting hungrier the last two months."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Dad went on my other side, and I almost wanted to cry. Merlin, I'd missed them so much this past month. "He's still barred from Quidditch?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I nodded, and Madam Pomfrey sat in a chair herself. "Yes, he is, unfortunately."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Dad's hand is on my shoulder now. "But James loves Quidditch. Surely he'll be able to join again soon?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Mum cut in, her eyes sharp, red and gray hair sparking like a Christmas tree now. I watched her curls, mesmerized, desperate to distract myself from this conversation. "Fleamont, he can barely sit up straight. He won't stay on his broom. And from it sounds like...it might be stressful."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"As much as I hated it, I knew Mum was right. I moved my gaze from Mum to my expensive Puma Fast Riders. Normally I obsessively cared for my shoe collection, especially given they were all expensive and name brands, but lately...I'd been too tired and my mind was too scattered. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I finally mustered the bravery to speak what I'd been thinking lately. "I'm too angry. I'll start a fight and then put someone in the hospital wing."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Dad tried to reassure me. "Son, Quidditch has always calmed you down. Surely it won't-"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My anxiety quickly began to turn into anger, white hot rage that alarmed me with how quickly and intensely it grew, clouding my senses and raising my body temperature. A growl left from between my teeth, and I felt a small shift, as if someone else was stepping in my place./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I rose to my feet, my jaw clenching. Mum looked at me with wide eyes, and Dad glanced at her with an unreadable expression. "Things are different now! What am I going to do around the full moon?! I'm out of control!"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My voice broke on the last syllable. Mum reached for me, and I flinched away, too full of rage and pent up energy that didn't feel entirely like my own to reciprocate. I tugged on my hair harshly, gnawing at my lip in an effort to reign in my anger. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Madam Pomfrey only gave a a long, long sigh. "It has not escaped notice of the professors and even your friends, Mr. Potter, that you are much more on edge. I'm afraid you may be medically barred from Quidditch for the rest of the year...for your own safety."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Mum embraced me and Dad ruffled my hair once I'd begun to calm down. I sat down again, my foot twitching. I opened my mouth, the words jumping out of my mouth. "What's gonna happen to me on full moon?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Madam Pomfrey only smiled sadly before launching into an explanation. "The way you have been feeling lately...but much more intense. Body aches...that's very common. Your magic may get out of control. I suggest you tell your friends, Mr. Potter, so they can keep an eye on you. But I have a feeling they are already doing so."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Mum whispered quietly in Arabic under her breath, and I forgot everything else as I let the beautiful language wash over me. Mum's dua was a constant thing; she prayed often and whenever she had the chance, and I couldn't describe my admiration for her. I frequently forgot dua, but when I did remember, I always thought of her. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Pomfrey's words replayed again and again in my head, striking like a gong in my head as I pushed mindlessly through the halls. My classmates called out to me, but I ignored them. It was starting to really hit me. By the time I made it to the common room, I was exhausted and desperate for my friends. The thought of being away from them was suddenly unbearable. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus seemed to have figured out right away where I was and told the others. The four of them went silent as I sat down in the common room, unable to meet their eyes. I saw Lily sitting by Remus, who quietly said to her, "I hate to be rude, but the four of us need a bit of privacy."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Lily nodded, getting up at once. I felt something breaking in me as she nodded. "Of course, Remus. I understand. See you at the Prefect meeting later?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus nodded in affirmation, and Lily swiftly left to the other side of the common room. The four of us also got up, moving to a secluded corner by the fireplace. I shied away from the heat, already feeling unusually warm. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;" To no one's surprise, Remus was the first to speak. "James...you don't have to hide it from us. You know all about me, and my lycanthropy."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I froze, now even more afraid to look at them. I looked up when Sirius spoke up for possibly the first time in weeks, "It's obvious, mate. You were attacked by Moony when he was transformed. You've hardly even left the dorms since you left the hospital wing...where else would you have been?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Peter tentatively spoke up, eyes wide and nervous as always. For the first time in my school career, I felt sympathy and not pity for him. Did I put that nervous look there by being such a tosser? "But...Prongs can't be...changing...right? He's...he wasn't really bitten. Just...scratched?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius winces, head falling into his hands. Remus takes a breath in. "You saw him, Pete. You saw all the blood and...how they had to use a blood replenishing potion. How span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"are/span you feeling, by the way, Prongs? Please be honest...you don't have to hide around us."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius echoed vaguely, "Yeah, mate..."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"I literally said that to you this morning. /spanI couldn't help but feel a sense of loss, like my position as leader of the Marauders was slipping. span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"I /spangave comfort. I didn't need to receive it. I sighed, wanting to stand up and show them the healing scar...but I was too damned tired. Instead, I sighed and slumped into the soft couch. "No Quidditch for the rest of the year."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"All three of them gasped, Sirius getting to his feet. Peter looked horrified. "But...but you're mostly all healed up! It can't be that bad, right?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Remus was the only one who didn't look shocked, only sad for my sake. For that I was both grateful and saddened that he understood. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I curled up in my chair, sighing in frustration. My fuse was terribly short these days. "I've got a wolf now."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"They were quiet, all three of them processing it. Sirius' voice was full of guilt. "Are you...are you sure, James? It can't be...are you going to transform?"/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"I repeated to them what Pomfrey told me. Remus nodded, looking grim but with an air of determination that made me feel encouraged. "A mental transformation, then. Although...doesn't sound like you'll be feeling physically well, either."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"My agitation was mounting, and my anxiety was rising along with anger and desperation. I couldn't recall having ever felt so many emotions at once. Overwhelmed, I got to my feet, swaying with dizziness and exhaustion. I had no idea where I was even going until Remus held out a chocolate bar with a little grin. /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"At first I wrinkled my nose and shook my head until...the span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"scent /spanhit me. Ohhhhhh. span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Chocolate. /spanHell yeah. I took it eagerly, curling back up as I gnawed animalistically at the treat. Remus rubbed my shoulder, making me even calmer as I scooched closer to the werewolf. Oh...why did I suddenly feel so much calmer near Remus?/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Sirius chuckled a little, also scooching closer. "There he is. All he needed was chocolate and Moony. You're going to be okay, James."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And because I was always an optimist, I believed him./p
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