Some would argue that Maya's situation is hopeless. How will she choose to spend her final months of life...?
Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.
Chapter 2. A New Dream
Maya spends the first few weeks of her final autumn trapped in that hospital.
Although her parents hadn't agreed with her decision to deny treatment, they had accepted it under the condition that she spend her time at the hospital with the professional caretakers just a few feet away at any given time. Maya hadn't wanted to spend her final months of life cooped up indoors, but she had had no choice but to accept.
Her only solace is in the fact that her room had a view of the hospital's garden, and the windows could open to allow the breeze in through the screen.
Maya busies herself this morning with reading the next play in her theatrics textbook that had been issued to her by her previous school. Though she was excused from classes for the foreseeable future and not at all required to complete any sort of assignments, Maya insisted on perfecting her craft to the best of her abilities until the end of her days.
So she continues to study and read and sing and act whenever she can find the chance to in the confines of her hospital room.
Today, she reads through a theatrical adaptation of the Grimms' fairytale Sleeping Beauty. Occasionally, the breeze carries in the scent of fresh basil or mint from the garden outside, and a pleasant chittering of birdsong drifts in.
When she had first heard her diagnosis, Maya had been angry to hear the birds. She was outraged that the rest of the world could go on so casually, so cheerfully, while she herself was subjected to such an unfair verdict.
But at this point, Maya has come to accept the fact that she is no longer meant for this life, that the world doesn't care for her plight. Once she's gone, a handful of people will mourn for a time, but ultimately, the planet will continue thriving, and life will easily go on without her. She hadn't gotten the chance to make the difference she'd always dreamed of.
But after weeks and weeks of thinking it through, would it even have mattered that much if she had lived out her life to the fullest? Perhaps she would have made some kind of significant impact on the community, or even the world, in terms of theatre. But even then, she would eventually pass on, and everyone would soon forget her.
It was the same for everyone. Some people just made a larger impact that lasted longer, but in the end, everyone ended up in the ground.
Maya huffs out a breath and shakes herself off, realizing she hadn't absorbed any of the pages she'd read.
She doesn't even rue the fairytales anymore. She knows those birds won't come through her window and start singing her cheerful melodies of hope. She knows no fairy godmother will come down and grant her a wish or make her a deal to give Maya her life back. She knows no knight in shining armor will give her a kiss and wake her from this nightmare…
A slight commotion outside grabs her attention, which hadn't been on the story anyway, so Maya opts to glance up. Outside, across the hallway, some of the nurses are talking excitedly amongst themselves.
From what Maya can gather, it sounds like a new volunteer worker has picked up a position here.
Maya slowly turns her gaze back to the book in her lap. She doesn't care for things like that. The doctors and nurses at this hospital were the best of the best in the nation in their fields, adults who had decades' worth of study and training and practice under their belts.
And yet they weren't kidding themselves. They all knew they couldn't save Maya - or any of the other children here for that matter. All they could do was provide comfort in their patients' final days.
And that was wonderful of them, no doubt. But Maya just… didn't care for it. Not for herself, anyway.
In all the weeks she'd been here, the reality around her had solidified and made itself very clear. She'd heard the sobs in the latest, darkest hours of the nights, and then woken the next day to find the room beside her that had used to be so full of activity and noise to be eerily silent. She'd seen the gurneys with bundles of sheets being silently wheeled away. She'd smelled the sickeningly sweet scents of sprays and disinfectants to overcompensate for the smell of death.
These children were dying all around her, every day. And before this time next year, Maya would be the one bundled up in those sheets being carried away in the night.
No spritely, hopeful volunteer worker was going to change any of that, no matter how nauseatingly cheerful or positive they pretended to be.
Maya has no interest in any of it…
And yet, for whatever reason, she finds herself looking up again when the nurses move aside to reveal the face of the newest volunteer.
She isn't at all what Maya had been expecting. Unlike all of the older nurses, with their dark hair and thick-rimmed glasses, this new person was… quite different.
Even in the required baggy blue apron to show she was a volunteer worker, it was evident that this girl had quite a nice figure. Maya notes this first simply because her body is similar to the type Maya knows best: she has the body of a dancer.
And it isn't just her figure that gives her away.
The girl is young, likely not even in high school yet. She's probably close to Maya's own age, at that. Her complexion is flawless and pearly, her long curly hair is light blonde and shines like sunlight…
And her smile…
Maya clears her throat and looks back at her book. Just because this girl is young doesn't mean she'll be any different from all the ones who'd come before her.
In her brief amount of time here thus far, Maya had noticed dozens of prospective volunteers and workers who hadn't lasted a week. She couldn't blame them, being how this place was rooted in depression and pain.
This new girl wouldn't be any different. She'd see one child die and run off crying, only to be replaced by the next person who was trying to prove a point and pretend they were a better person than they really were.
Maya flips the page, pulling her knees up to her chest and pointedly moving herself so she can't see out into the hallway anymore. But even still, she catches the sound of a name.
Saijou Claudine
Over the next few days, Maya finds that her initial judgement of this new volunteer had been sorely mistaken.
All the typical hospital going-ons occur, as per usual.
It started with the usual disruptions. A young boy whining and brattily refusing to eat his vegetables, a girl stumbling and bruising her arm, another girl staying up talking loudly all night, claiming that if she can't sleep, then no one else should be able to, either.
And then, the more severe things.
The girl trying to learn how to walk again falling and being unable to get back up.
A boy spiraling into a coughing fit so badly they need to give CPR.
A night full of sobbing, and then a morning of eerie silence as a gurney is wheeled away…
It's all very normal here. Maya has grown used to it. Just as she's grown used to every new volunteer turning tail and fleeing at the notion of death.
But not this one.
This girl… she's different.
Maya notices her at every turn. No matter where she is in the building, this new girl seems to be nearby.
The boy in the cafeteria who wouldn't eat his greens was soothed by her cute melody which she made up on the spot, something silly and jovial that made the boy laugh, and by the end of the song, he was asking for more vegetables.
The girl who had bruised her arm was treated with calmness and care, and a kiss was left over her band-aid with a magical chant that would stop the pain.
The girl who stayed up all night screaming was joined by the new volunteer, who Maya could hear through the walls, talking to her and creating characters in a story to distract the distressed child. She stayed up with the girl all night long, making up stories and acting out roles with her range of voices, until the child had fallen contentedly asleep.
All of these minor mishaps, Saijou Claudine had handled with extreme care and gentleness.
And even the more difficult ones too.
When a patient fell and failed their physical therapy, or when they lapsed into a coughing fit, or when they collapsed into a seizure, Claudine remained professional, calm, and compassionate. She did everything she could, in spite of the fact that she was so young and unpaid for her troubles, arguably providing better comfort and care than some of the doctors themselves.
She stayed past her required hours to help tragic cases, and came in as early as they would allow her to. She even spent the night when they knew a child wouldn't make it until morning, and would comfort the sobbing, grieving family members with tender compassion.
Maya noticed all of these things that Saijou Claudine did, and she knew there were dozens more she wasn't always around to see.
From all Maya has seen in only those few weeks since Claudine had walked through the hospital doors… she very well might have been an angel.
The angel that all of these children needed.
Even though she couldn't cure them, she did whatever she could to heal what she was able to, or to ease their pain.
Maya rectified her opinion of Saijou Claudine, and silently apologized for judging her so early on.
She was astounding. Genuine. A lovely person with a pure, beautiful soul.
Their eyes had met more than once, but only ever briefly, as Claudine always seemed to be handling a situation. But whenever she wasn't helping with something that demanded her attention, she was giving her attention to the children anyway.
They loved her, especially the younger ones. Maya would walk by the play areas or the library and always find Claudine swarmed by the little ones, who would request that she sing for them, or read in funny voices, or act out the characters in a story.
Those that were physically able to would follow her in basic stretches and dances. And for those who couldn't move, Claudine would play board games or card games or video games with them.
To Maya, it seemed like Saijou Claudine was too good to be true. Some part of her was even curious and wanted an excuse to meet her properly.
She spent several nights wondering how she might be able to find an excuse to walk over to Claudine and strike up conversation with her, or perhaps sit beside her at the cafeteria, or join her in the garden at lunchtime when she noticed Claudine would tend to the flowers.
All of these were valid possibilities for how Maya might formally introduce herself and get to see that dazzling smile directed at herself, and herself alone.
But as was typical, fate wasn't exactly on her side, and evidently had other plans for how the two would meet…
Ever since her diagnosis, Maya's body had notably become a bit weaker and more susceptible to certain things. Perhaps she'd been susceptible to them before, but after she'd been told of her dire situation, it seemed as though her body's immune system had crumbled all the quicker to further solidify the fact that she had cancer.
During her time at the children's hospital thus far, though it has only been a month or so, she'd discovered that the random aches and pains in her body became more frequent and more discomforting, simple tasks like sitting up or walking sometimes made her dizzy, and certain smells and foods suddenly made her nauseous.
Tonight, she finds out the hard way that, evidently, her body has now begun to reject the yogurts she liked to enjoy for dessert. Last night, and all the nights until now, Maya had been able to eat them without incident.
But tonight, she feels an acidic sort of churning in her stomach shortly after eating her dessert. Being that this unfair, unpleasant, and unexpected process of her body randomly deciding it could no longer handle certain foods has happened to her many times now, Maya is hardly surprised that it's continuing to get worse as her condition does.
But tonight, it's bad. So bad she doesn't even make it back to her room from the cafeteria before she starts feeling that sickening nausea in her gut. Her whole body begins to shake and reject the food, and she barely makes it to the nearest restroom.
It's a restroom meant for visitors, as patients like Maya had their own personal bathrooms in their hospital rooms, but she knew she simply wouldn't make it that far.
Staggering into a stall, Maya immediately drops to her knees and begins the unpleasant process of dry heaving as her insides twist and gnarl around themselves.
She hates it. She hates feeling so weak and helpless, when all her life until just a few months ago, she had been the strongest, proudest, most proficient girl in all of Japan.
She hates that she'd somehow developed this death sentence disease, when no one in her family had any history of risk.
She hates that she never got the chance to go to high school, to make friends, or sing or dance or act onstage with them.
She hates that she can hear the echoes of her own pathetic moans and sobs bouncing off the restroom walls as she hacks rank air into the toilet.
This is what she'd been reduced to. This is what she'd become. Pathetically and pitifully far from the star actress she knew she was meant to be.
The sorrow, the anger, the regret… They all make her stomach more and more upset, until she can feel the bile rising up rapidly.
She's used to this pain by now, the smell, the whole vile process. She's ready for it. Ready for more pain, because that's clearly what this life was giving her…
But this time, it isn't quite as painful.
Because right as Maya begins vomiting out the contents of her stomach, two gentle hands come to cup the sides of her face and hold her hair back for her.
Maya wretches, but unlike all the previous times, she doesn't feel that nauseating knot in her stomach so strongly. Instead, she focuses on those gentle hands, and the soft, tender voice that comes with them.
"It's all right."
Maya can't see her face, or any part of her really, due to the fact that her own head is presently halfway down a toilet. But she doesn't need to see her to know who it is.
She'd know that voice anywhere, though this is the first time she'd ever made contact with her.
"It's all right," Claudine says again, as though it were the most evident truth in the world. "You'll be all right. Just breathe."
A mess of emotions coils up inside Maya in that instant; the agony of the sickness, the embarrassment of being found by her when Maya is like this, the want to reject those sweet hollow words when she knows they aren't true…
But somehow, there, crumpled up and shaking on the cold tile floor, while hurling her guts out into the toilet due to her incurable disease that will kill her before the year is up…
As a kind and gentle stranger whispers sweet hopeful nothings, and begins to sing comforting melodies that Maya feels she'd heard in her childhood at some point or another…
This is how she comes to a decision on how she wants to spend her final months of life.
Right then and there, she decides she wants to do whatever she possibly can to help herself live for as long as she possibly can.
She wants to live out until her body's final breath, and not a second sooner.
Because right then and there, on that cold bathroom floor as she's throwing up her supper, is when Maya can no longer deny to herself that she's in love.
In love with a kind stranger with a pretty face and a heart of gold.
In love with a girl who doesn't even know her.
Maya never thought she would ever even get the chance to know what feelings like these were. She assumed she would die before she ever got to know them.
But she knows it now, and that's for certain.
This realization that she has found herself in the throes of a love that is as doomed as Maya herself is - to wither before it even gets the chance to blossom at all - causes her to cry all the harder.
But through it all, Claudine continues to rub her back gently. She gathers Maya's hair to ensure not a single strand gets messy, and when Maya's ribbon gets skewed, Claudine readjusts it for her.
Maya continues to sob and be sick, for far longer than she has any right to be now that her stomach is empty. But even so, Claudine stays by her side.
"You're amazing," she murmurs. "I hope you know that. If you're in this place, it means you've been dealt a terrible hand in life. But even so, you're still here. You're still fighting. You're still crying. And that's really incredible."
Her soft hands rub comforting patterns up and down Maya's back and over her shoulder blades, easing away aches and pains Maya had grown so accustomed to that she'd forgotten she even had them. Maya remains hidden, hunched forward as the spit and snot and tears dribble into the rancid amalgamation beneath her. Claudine must know that breathing it in will only make Maya sick again, because she carefully eases Maya back a little.
Maya clings with all her might onto the toilet, refusing to reveal her face like this. Claudine must understand, because she stops right away, then flushes the toilet to get rid of the bile. Maya's whole body continues to shake with sobs, trembling all over. It's humiliating and terrifying to have come to terms with her feelings like this, when she is already so close to death. She shouldn't feel this way. She can't.
… And yet…
Claudine's arms come to wrap gently around Maya as she leans forward to rest her head against her back.
"Merci." Claudine murmurs the word, and in some distant corner of her mind it clicks for Maya that her blonde hair was the result of foreign genes. "Thank you," Claudine says again. "Thank you for being here. For trying so hard. Please… don't ever stop trying to live…"
By now, Maya has stopped crying, but she can still feel trembling in her body. Claudine breaks down quietly behind her, weeping into Maya's shirt.
For all the times Maya has seen her here, dealing with heartbreaking stories of dying children, Maya has never seen Saijou Claudine's composure shatter.
But of course it would. Of course such a kind and caring girl would put up a brave face in front of everyone else, and then cry herself to sleep alone in her room every night, grieving and mourning for those who were given such a terrible fate. She's so pure, so lovely…
Maya falls more and more deeply in love with her by the second.
Minutes pass, and Claudine continues to be the only one crying now.
Maya, on the other hand, has found her resolve. Slowly, she lifts one of her hands and brings it to lay across Claudine's over her stomach. Though Maya keeps her face hidden, she lets out one single, messy rasp.
"Please…"
She hears Claudine gasp softly, then feels her lift her head off Maya's back to give Maya her full attention. Maya inhales slowly. When she lets it out, it's another sob.
"Please go…"
She doesn't want her first proper meeting with Saijou Claudine to be like this. She doesn't want Claudine to see her face right now.
Though Maya knows her words right now must sound like a rejection, she is all right with that.
Because she intends to make this right with Saijou Claudine in the near future.
More than just make things right - Maya intends to make Claudine her girlfriend.
In the little time she has left, she intends to live her life to the fullest.
But for now, Claudine doesn't know that, of course. She respects Maya's wishes, as Maya already knew she would, and slowly eases herself away. She releases her gentle embrace on Maya's stomach and staggers to her feet.
Maya doesn't look up, but she can hear Claudine sniffling and whimpering all the while as she turns and leaves her. Maya hears the bathroom door close, and then it's only the resounding silence that remains.
At last, Maya picks herself up, but not without one last spit to clear the bile. That is how she feels about her old way of thinking - of the weeks she'd wasted wallowing in self-pity and depression. She spits on those foolish emotions and flushes them away.
She doesn't have much time left.
But she has been given a new purpose in life.
Claudine had given her that purpose.
A new goal. A new dream.
And Maya is going to achieve it.
Even if it's the last thing she ever does.
A/N: With so little time left to live, Maya has discovered and set a new dream for herself. Even though she knows it will end in tragedy, she owes it to herself at least to try.
Please review!