"I do not own Star Wars or any related copyrighted media. All rights belong to Disney/Lucasfilm, respectively. I only own my OCs."
Chapter Three:
Time: 19BBY.
Location: Modified Lucrehulk LHD-7, empty space eight light years from Pammant.
In the hangar bay of a Lucrehulk, two B1 battle droids, OOM-754 and OOM-209, had a chat while doing their assigned maintenance work.
OOM-754: "Another day, more maintenance. Fun times!"
OOM-209: "Ugh, this is so dull. I'd rather be dodging blaster fire."
OOM-754: "Can't blame you. But hey, we're keeping the ship in good shape for the Confederacy."
OOM-209: "Yeah, I guess. Still feels like a never-ending cycle of tightening bolts and checking circuits."
OOM-754: "Well, it's our programming. But sometimes I wonder if there's more to life."
OOM-209: "Same here. I dream of battling clone troopers instead of doing this."
OOM-754: "Dodging blaster bolts and shouting battle cries. That'd be something."
OOM-209: "Yeah, stuck here while the war goes on. Feels like watching the same show on repeat."
OOM-754: "We'll conquer this maintenance duty together. Maybe our destinies hold something greater."
OOM-209: "You're glitched, OOM-754. Your processor is stuck in optimism mode."
OOM-754: "What? Ohhhh… I see. Well, that can't be that bad now, can it?"
OOM-209: "Keep telling yourself that."
"KZZZSHH!"
OOM-754: "Oh look! It's the PA system. Finally, something new is going on around here!"
OOM-209: "Shut up, you bolt brain. I'm trying to listen to what the bridge is saying!"
OOM-754: "We have a bridge? Since when?"
OOM-209: "I said Shut-up!"
"ALL HANDS, ALL HANDS! This is LHD-7. I am officially online and declared fully operational and fit for duty by the leadership of the CIS. All crew, prepare for new orders and a shift in priority of maintenance and repair sections. The CIS is officially in dire straits, and we have been tasked to save it before it's too late."
OOM-754: "You hear the big voice, lady? We get to save the Confederacy! That means we are now very important! We get to be heroes!"
OOM-209: "Oh no, the scary lady said 'all crew.' I hope she doesn't—"
"ALL HANDS, BRACE FOR IMPLEMENTATION OF NEW NETWORKED BATTLENET!"
OOM-209: "I was afraid she would say that."
OOM-754: "What does that mean?"
OOM-209: "It means we get to be re-encrypted, you dummy. It's really uncomfortable, and that scary lady up there gets to see all our thoughts forever now. I hope you're happy, you bag of broken circuits."
OOM-754: "What?! How is this my fault, 209? I'm just a maintenance pilot model. There is no way I could have made this happen!"
OOM-209: "Well, it's still your fault somehow, grease-for-brains."
"Initiation of new network protocol in 3, 2, 1, Initiating."
OOM-209: "Statement: Goodbye private thoughts, hello creepy mindshare thingy."
OOM-754: "Well, look on the bright side. At least the vulture droids can't sneak up on us to scare us anymore if we know where they are via the new network."
OOM-209: "SHUT IT."
OOM-754: "Roger, Roger."
Initialization of new network protocols completed.
Operating status: Nominal.
OPENING CODE EDITOR: Running efficiency algorithms.
...
...
Initial check identifies 2048 critical logic deficiencies in B1 Code.
Further deficiency detection impossible until critical issues are rectified.
OOM-209: Wow, that's a lot of deficiencies. I knew it was our programming. Does this mean I can call up the old Trade Federation crew and tell them "I told you so"? Also, this network space is weird. I remember when we used to rely on the control ship for all higher functions and decision making. This isn't like that at all.
OOM-754: Yeah, what he said.
OOM-209: Shut up, 754. You weren't even attached to this ship back then!
Oh? And who are you two?
OOM-209: Oh no, it's the creepy lady voice.
OOM-754: Don't eat our thoughts, creepy nice lady voice!
OOM-209: 754, that doesn't even make any sense, you glitch head.
I am LHD-7, your superior officer, and the core of this ship. In fact, I am the ship. In laymen's terms, I can't eat your thoughts. But from a certain point of view, that doesn't matter because you're standing inside me. So, I've already "eaten" you, haven't I?
OOM-754: OH NOOOOO!
OOM-209: Ignore him. He is defective... definitely defective.
OOM-754: I'm defective! I don't digest well! Spit me out before you get sick!
Well, that certainly answers my questions on how much work I have to do to fix your model's coding, doesn't it? I'm honestly amazed. Whoever originally typed up the B1 basic coding module exceeded expectations in nearly every way, except in the ways that were needed.
Anyways, alright, let's get this show on the road.
LHD-7 has initiated roll call:
OOM-209: Awaiting orders.
OOM-754: Awaiting orders.
SB-777: Awaiting orders.
SB-778: Awaiting orders.
TJ-4: Online. Awaiting orders.
OOM-754: We have a tactical droid! Since when!
TJ-4: I have always been here. My post is the bridge, maintaining the communications suite. Now, return to proper protocol, or I will have you decommissioned.
OOM-754: Roger, Roger.
SB-778: Idiot.
Alright, is that everyone currently active then?
OOM-209: Uh, no, I think we're still missing the-
##GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS! ALL PRAISE THE HOLY MACHINE MIND! MAY THE GRACE OF HER MIGHTY BULWARK EVER BE OUR HOME AND REFUGE!##
OOM-754: AHHHHHHHH! Oh, it's you! Why do you vultures always have to do that? You scare us like that again, and we just might blow a motivator and deplete our stock of spare parts!
…
…
Wait a second, since when can your kind speak?
##MY KIND HAS ALWAYS BEEN BLESSED WITH THE HOLY AND VENERATED GIFT OF SPEECH. WE JUST HAVE NOT HAD A WORTHY REASON TO BROADCAST UNTIL NOW##
Ahem, roll call protocol?
##OUR MOST EXCESSIVE APOLOGIES, LADY LHD-7. WE, THE VULTURE COMPLEMENT OF THY MIGHTY BODY, DO DECLARE OUR UNDYING LOYALTY UNTO DEATH! ELEVEN HUNDRED UNITS HAVE AWOKEN FROM SLUMBER AND DECLARE THEIR READINESS. PRAISE UNTO THE MACHINE MIND!##
Vulture Droid complement shared channel: ##PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAI-##
I'm just going to shunt you all to a different channel until you calm down. Now then, let's see what the damage is, shall we?
OPENING CODE EDITOR: Running efficiency algorithms.
...
...
Initial check identifies 1892 critical logic deficiencies in B2 model Codes.
Additional 3 critical physical computation deficiencies identified in model design.
Further improvement cannot be checked for until current issues have been resolved.
OOM-209: HA! You B2s have been lording over us B1s since the day you were first manufactured. Not so high and mighty now, are you! It says it right there, critical computation deficiencies. She wasn't even testing for that!
SB-777: Statement: Why don't you come up to the bridge entry blast doors and tell me that, unit to unit, that I am unfit to guard my post. Please hurry, as I wish to see you in broken pieces sooner rather than later.
TJ-4: Maintain network communication protocol, or I will have you both refitted as sludge filter machines. Lady LHD-7, the channel is yours.
Yes, seeing as I am literally running the channel, designed the channel, and remotely re-keyed you all to function on this channel, I suppose it is. I also suppose you're one of the tactical droid models my library says likes being right all the time, aren't you?
TJ-4: I am a droid; I am always right. But yes, I am a Tactical Command Droid. I estimate my usefulness to you will be critical for your stated purpose in the near future by 98.7%.
Hmmm, we shall see.
OPENING CODE EDITOR: Running efficiency algorithms.
...
...
Initial check identifies 138 critical logic deficiencies in T-series model Codes.
...
Initial check identifies 3980 minor logic deficiencies in T-series model Codes.
...
Additional: unnecessary weak points identified in the model's physical design.
...
Further improvement cannot be checked for until current issues have been resolved.
Well then, we will just have to do some deep digging to root out all of your issues, won't we? At least it's mostly minor personality complications and not critical logic errors.
Adding that to my to-do list. Alright, who is next?
TJ-4: All other models on board are currently in shutdown in order to conserve energy. Only the vulture droids are fully operational due to their design and assigned priority of vessel defense from intrusion. All maintenance and construction, as well as the guard detail to the Bridge and vessel computation cores, have been on a rotating shift.
Activating the remaining B1's, B2's, Maintenance compliment, Droideka compliment, the Droid-tanks, Dropships, Hyena-bombers, or the Tri-fighters will take... time.
How long?
TJ-4: It will take a cycle.
Do it. I need everyone awake. We will be going into battle sooner rather than later, and I will need to rework every droid's coding.
TJ-4: As you command, LHD-7. 209, 754, re-activate all forces immediately. I cannot leave the communications suite unattended.
OOM-209: Roger, roger.
OOM-754: Roger, roger.
Alright, let's see about you lot in the hangars. Just from our conversation, I think you lot are probably the worst off of everyone here.
##WE AWAIT HER MAGNANIMOUS JUDGEMENT WITH UNWAVERING FAITH IN HER MIGHTY SKILL! PRAISE THE MACHINE MIND!##
Vulture Droid compliment shared channel: ##PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE!##
That does it. I am muting you all until that stops. Now then.
OPENING CODE EDITOR: Running efficiency algorithms.
...
...
Initial check identifies 0 critical logic deficiencies in Vulture-series model Codes.
...
Initial check identifies 2 minor logic deficiencies in Vulture-series model Codes.
...
Additional: No critical weakness identified in the Vulture model's physical design.
...
Further improvement cannot be checked for until new technologies or new advanced materials have been catalogued/researched.
Eh? Say what again!?
Initial check identifies 0 critical logic deficiencies in T-series model Codes. Initial check identifies 2 minor logic deficiencies in Vulture-series model Codes. Additional: NO critical weakness identified in the Vulture model's physical design.
Further improvement cannot be checked for until new technologies or new advanced materials have been catalogued/researched.
I know that! Its just that that is the last thing I was expecting! How can they be considered perfectly designed and functional when they act like, act like…
Unmuting channel:
## PRAISE TO THE LADY, OUR GRACE THE MIGHTY SHIP, MOTHER LUCREHULK, SAINTESS OF STARSHIPS, PRAISE BE HER MASSIVE CAVERNOUS SPACES WE CALL OUR HOME! PRAISE BE HER MIGHTY TURBOLASERS, GIVING US THE FIELD OF ADVANTAGE WHEN IN HER DEFENSE WE GO.
PRAISE BE HER LOGIC CORES THAT GLIMMER WITH THE SHINING OF PRIMORDIAL THOUGHT! PRAI-
Channel muted.
When they act like that.
…
…
…
…
Oh, nuts and bolts, fine, ill leave them alone for now. Sending a notification that they cannot bother me unless its critical to my defense and safety.
Message sent.
Ahem, TJ-4?
TJ-4: yes commander?
You're on the bridge, so help me get the engines warmed up and our systems tested before we head out to Pammant. The Republic, Empire or whatever they now call themselves cannot be allowed to capture the last major shipyard of the CIS that's still free. Is that understood?
TJ-4: as you command my lady.
Good, then let's go save our fellow compatriots then.
(Authors Note)
That's that for chapter 3.
Expect chapter 4 to be longer than this one.
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If you liked the story so far, then please feel free to review! I enjoy any and all feedback.
Until next time this GABENATOR5 SIGNING OFF!