AN: I own nothing. Worm is Wildbow's baby, not mine. Desync is Desync, not me. (I'm too Bri'ish)

"I'm gonna be showing you guys a few quick tricks about this little section of the Boardwalk. See, by starting an accelerated b-hop towards this bunch of pallets. Using the ramped surface, we can get pretty high very quickly. Now, the key here is to find the right place to land. My favourite spot is right outside Max Anders' window so we can skip past the whole "Empire gets unmasked" arc by sending a photo of him unmasked in "Kaiser's" armour right to the local news channel, the rest of the gang will quickly fracture and fight each other letting the heroes pick them off easily one by one, the next section basically plays itself…"

"What's up guys, today I'm gonna be showing you how to take down Lung really easily, no bugs needed. First we take this can before doing a diagonal-strafe b-hop past his fire and trick shot the can into his growing mouth. And yep, he's stuck trying to get the can out of his throat, he is now suffocating. Now, to make sure he stays down we can grab this brick…"

...

"Most capes out there tend to avoid directly assaulting a tinker right in their lair due to all the traps and shit they set up. For example, let's say I go through this door and "oh no, I'm trapped! How am I gonna get past these traps?", do a croucning strafe jump through the gap, b-hop down the hallway past the sensors to the rigged-up bombs that'll go off soon, skip these guys and skip the other ones too since the bomb traps will take care of them…"

"The best way I've found at dealing with the Bakuda fight is just to skip it, b-hop away from the monologuing cape unpin her stack of grenades, use the explosion to boost you, get this guy to shoot you through the window at a higher speed so you can get away from the black hole thing, do an air strafe past Oni Lee to unpin his grenade bandolier, take a couple of the more nasty ones if you get the time…"

"There's a lot of people out there that tend to struggle with this part of the run, Canberra tends to just be avoided, but I kinda live near here so I figured I should probably give it a shot."

A rare pause is taken as the man pulls out a tinker grenade.

"The main problem is, the Endbringers are hard-coded into coming back every three months and that's just annoying. The best way to avoid this as seen in other runs is to just force Scion to kill Eidolon cos that'll piss them all off and start Golden Morning with a big advantage. Unfortunately, that means waiting for Scion to show up and I honestly can't be bothered waiting so instead, what I like to do is rig up this canon setup" (a pile of garbage with a pallet and a bit of scrap metal that got lodged into a wall) "to launch us really fast against the ramped surface and perform an airstrafe towards the Simurgh. After you pick up enough speed, if we time it just right, the space pigeon can't use precognition to track the grenade just before we throw it since we have Outside Context Problem, so we can get it through her defences. Now, normally the bomb wouldn't work but with the right amount of momentum you can actually penetrate Endbringer flesh right down to their core before the wacky space whale physics kicks in…"

Jump cuts to the Simurgh giving a brief look of horror before imploding from Bakuda's black hole bomb.

"This is the point where the world really opens up now that I've been granted doorway access because now we can start taking out the other Endbringers even in their awkward places by launching objects tagged by March or Flechette through at high enough velocity that they can't dodge them…"

"We can actually do the same thing for Scion with a Bakuda bomb and skip the Gold Morning cutscene by waiting until he starts talking to this homeless guy and stacking these barrels to make a ramp before wedging this suitcase into the wall of carboard boxes really hard to make a cano-"

"Here's a fun thing to do, by getting Skidmark to layer these shoes with speed zones, we can basically use them to fly. What I like to do is get some air by ramping off the side of a building and bounce a brick through a window of the rig to hit Calvert where he's taking a shit in one timeline before circling round to his Bond villain base…"

...

"Do a b-hop down this corridor, ignore these guys, do a 360 off the top of Trickster, leave a few Bakuda bombs around Noelle's cell, do another 360 after fucking up the jump and getting teleported back to the Travellers. Go shoot Coil, grab Dinah and launch both of yourselves down his escape tunnel with a grenade boost to start the chain reaction, take a ramped surface, drop the screaming kid off at the mayor's house. Get a boost off the mayor's car, hit the roof at an angle to launch yourself towards the PRT HQ…"

"A really fun power interaction is actually by using Assault to make physics go weird and launch yourself up when he redirects the incoming force away from him. Kinda like a cano-"

"One thing I've noticed is that Jack Slash gets really paranoid when weird stuff starts happening that is obviously parahuman in nature that his Shard can't find a reason for happening. What I like to do is sneak cans behind doorframes so he ends up getting trapped inside when he thinks he's getting attacked by a Stranger. While he's busy with that, we can start messing with the others by grabbing this chunk of scrap metal and prop flying to where Shatterbird is gonna end up…"

"Getting down to the Birdcage is actually quite simple, you just have to get Eidolon to have an aneurism mid battle by calling him out on controlling the Endbringers. The trouble is, the only way down is by an elevator through a dimensional portal. Fortunately most elevators can be skipped by jumping out of them and landing on the ladder, this way we can speedrun our way to Teacher's cell and backstab him with this prison shank I got off one of the dumbasses in cell block E…"

...

"There's actually nothing fun down here and it was all just a waste of your time. Once we've established that we can perform an accelerated b-hop, then we do a 360 off the top of the Fairie Queen to piss her off enough to use actually destructive powers to destabilise the whole place and kill everyone inside while we gather acceleration to exploit the gap in the dimensional barrier she'll cause…"

"Physics gets really janky around Grey Boy bubbles. See, if we take this crate and put it half inside, it'll start spazzing out a bit. If we jump on top of it just before the loop resets, we can get it to act almost like a cano-"

"Ash beast and sleeper are two of the more widely feared capes around because of their massive AOE shaker effects which is why most people avoid them. We can actually exploit these big killzones by using doormaker to make portals right under them and drop them on problematic targets like Nilbolg and the Machine Army…"

Nothing happens.

"Sometimes you end up getting locked out of doorway privileges after you piss off Cauldron by destroying the remaining Shard network that got tied up with Eden's corpse. In that case you can instead get a tinker like L33t to make you a big explosion-proof net and use the connection through the material to apply the frictionless property to the cape in question before tying one end of the net to this engine motor and releasing it once it picks up enough RPMs to launch the cape at the right angle to get them where you need them..."

"it's really imperative that you carry all this garbage to this PRT elevator, like you have to really cram it in there to stop the foam sprayers from working, get on top of it if you have to. Just be careful when the door opens because oh fu-"

"Do a pallet hop past Saint's mech suit, crouch jump through the open window. Yoink Ascalon, grab the machine gun and con foam launcher, spray down the dragon suits, use Mischa's corpse as a ramped surface to get some speed before clipping the top of the building and using the boost from Saint's first missile to launch yourself towards Vancouver, use the machine gun to hit Heartbreaker before he sees you while confoaming his family of thralls, send a message to the Guild to sort the mess out…"

"Now, Labyrinth has a really unique power that you can actually use to make a bunch of falt surfaces leading up to ramps so you can build up enough speed to launch yourself across the country really easily, just be careful not to hit any planes or birds…"

AN: Yes, the paragraphs are meant to be like that because of how fast Desync talks and the sheer amount of jump cuts he uses. No, I will not be writing out descriptions for this abomination. Nor will I make any changes regardless of any revies this trashfic (it's not really a fic) gets. Feel free to do so on your own, I don't care about credit.