April took the final bite of her dinner, daintily wiped her mouth, folded the linen square in half and then, covered her plate with it. "I have to say, guys: This may have been the most boring, awkward social event of the year, or maybe even the decade, but the food more than made up for it. This was amazing!"
Her tablemates, partner Mark Slate and the CEA and his partner, nodded agreement. The entrée choices had been beef Wellington, Chilean sea bass, duck a l'orange and rack of pork with apple chutney. They ordered one of each and shared; each one had tasted better than the one before. The portions had been sufficient enough that even Illya was full. There had also been plenty of wine and liquor flowing all evening.
He sipped more of his Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee. "Everything was incredible from the Hor d'oeuvres to the appetizers to the main dishes. I was annoyed at first that there was no dessert to speak of, but I have to say that I am full."
Napoleon's eyes widened in mock shock. "I have got to write this in my journal. 'Dear Diary, today Illya was too full for dessert!'" Illya rolled his eyes while the three other agents laughed.
"'Oo paid for this spread anyway? Do you know, Napoleon?" Mark asked. "There 'as to be at least 250 people 'ere!"
"Two hundred and seventy – five," Napoleon answered. "And as for who paid, Mr. Waverly told me that when the bosses of all the member nations' intelligence agencies represented here met with the Section One and Interpol chiefs and decided it was a good idea for them to get to know the players in the international law enforcement organizations, they also decided to foot the bill since they're the ones who wanted this to happen."
"A fact I'm sure our Accounting Department ate up with relish," Mark said. "So 'ow did you two 'andle the 'Meet and Greet?' Were your conversations as awkward and offensive as ours?"
April said, "A couple of times, I thought Mark was going to punch a couple of Scotland Yard's Finest in the mouth!"
Napoleon and Illya looked from one junior agent to the other. "What happened?" Napoleon asked.
"Apparently, not only am I the first female agent in UNCLE, I'm the first female agent, period. Or at least, the first most of these men have ever seen. They're acting like I'm the first woman they've ever seen! Stupid, misogynistic comments and jokes, I hate to sound superior, but none of them would survive a day in Survival School!"
Illya asked, "Mark, why were you contemplating violence?"
"Because, Mate, some bloke made a remark about 'ow it must be nice to have a woman to work so closely with, especially when it's cold. I asked him to explain what he meant and 'e smirked and said, 'You know' and winked at me and looked April up and down like she was fresh raw meat! If April 'adn't grabbed me arm and pulled me away, I swear I would 'ave decked 'im!"
"Now, now, kiddies; Uncle Alex wouldn't appreciate us fighting with the relatives, distant though they may be. I got a little heated myself when people kept asking me what is was like to work with a Commie."
April gasped, "No!"
"Oh, yes. It also doesn't help that every member nation of UNCLE is represented except the USSR. The absence of the KGB and the GRU only highlighted Illya's Russianness. In the minds of many, that makes it seem that Illya is covertly working with one or both of them and therefore, not to be trusted. The CIA and FBI agents in attendance especially seem to feel that way. Honestly, Partner, I wish I had your ability to ignore fools."
Illya waved his hand dismissively. "They are not worth the time or the effort it would take to speak to them. Their minds are already made up. To argue with them is to be a bigger fool than they are."
"'Ow long do we 'ave to stay here?"
"Until Mr. Waverly and the other Number Ones say we can leave, probably three more hours." In response to the groans from his companions he said, "Come on, I'm sure we're not the only Section Twos who are feeling miserable. Let's go hang out with them."
As the evening wore on, the agents all began to congregate with their coworkers. The only group that remained intermingled were the agency heads. When Napoleon looked over at the long table at the front of the room, he saw that all the leaders were almost huddled together, so deep in conversation they were ignoring the rest of the room.
"Uh oh."
"What's 'uh oh,' Luv"
"Don't look now, but one of those idiots from Scotland Yard is heading our way with a few guys from the FBI and MI5 and they all look like they've drunk enough to have developed some liquid courage."
"The first one 'oo says something out of line to you is losing 'is teeth."
"Agent Slate," Napoleon said in his no – nonsense CEA voice, "You will stand down."
"Yes, Sir," Mark replied begrudgingly. He still gave them the stink eye when they came alongside the table for ten where the two teams sat with six other UNCLE agents.
"Um, Mr. Solo?"
"That is CEA Solo to you," Illya said with ice practically dripping from his voice.
Napoleon touched his arm to let him know he would handle the men. He smiled broadly and said, "We're all on the same side here; call me Napoleon. What can I do for you gentlemen?"
The man who had spoken smiled. "We were just wondering," and he gestured to the men with him, "if we could ask some questions about UNCLE's agent training. My name is Michael, by the way, but you can call me Mickey being as we're all on the same side and all."
His comments had earned the complete attention of all ten UNCLE agents and some of the DGSI agents seated at the next table. One of those French Intelligence began quietly translating what had been said to his none English – speaking colleagues.
Napoleon continued to smile, but it no longer went all the way to his eyes. His companions weren't smiling at all. "Well, what would you like to know?"
Mickey looked back at his little group for reassurance. Now that he could ask, the part of his mind that was still rational and cared about his self – preservation wondered if he should ask. "Fellas, what do you think?"
The man from Scotland Yard who had spoken with Mark and April earlier, still holding what appeared to be a full glass of scotch in his right hand, moved around Mickey to stand in front of him. An exasperated sigh escaped his mouth, floating a scotch infused gust of air over the UNCLE table. "Okay, boyo, I guess it falls to me to find out what we want to know. Napoleon, I hope I can call you that too, my name is Seamus and me and me friends here want to know if rumors we've heard about your training are true. For instance, some of us have heard that the lot of you have been inoculated to within an inch of your lives against all kinds of diseases and poisons. Is that true?"
"Yes and no. There are basic shots we get just like anyone else and then there are shots that were developed by our research department to protect us in the field while we perform our duties. Some of us volunteer to test immunizations for a variety of things."
"What about for sexually transmitted diseases?" The sniggers that erupted behind that almost immediately squelched let all the UNCLE agents know exactly where the curiosity about their training was focused.
"We do get those vaccines during our Sex and Seduction training, of course. To go into the field without them would be like going on a mission unarmed."
"So," Seamus rubbed his chin and grinned. "Do all UNCLE personnel get Sex and Seduction training?" The men with him giggled like school boys.
"Only Section 2s and 3s who want to advance to Section 2."
"And everyone sitting with you is a Section 2?" he asked as he looked around the table, eyes lingering on April for just a second too long.
Napoleon could feel the heat of anger from his agents from the moment Mickey, Seamus and their cronies had approached. He had continued to shake bait in front of them and while Mickey had had the wherewithal to retreat, Seamus had grabbed it. Now, Napoleon was going to hook him. He looked at his agents and winked.
"Absolutely. One can't advance unless and until they pass S&S, as we call it. Would you like a demonstration of our kissing techniques?"
"Are you serious?!" At Napoleon's nod, Seamus positively beamed. "Why, yes!" He move to stand behind April who removed his drink from his hand and placed on the table.
Before he could move, Mark shot up from his seat, grabbed the startled man by his head and proceeded to kiss him passionately. Mickey and the other men with him blanched when they saw Seamus start to respond.
April and the agent next to her made room so that Mark could lie Seamus partially on the table. He broke the kiss and said, "Do you have children? Where are they? I want to kill them."
"I do. They are…"
"Stop!" Mark ordered as he pulled the man upright and pushed him none too gently towards his friends before retaking his seat.
Napoleon looked at the men and smiled again. "I forgot to mention two things about S&S training: We are all trained to play both sides of the fence, as it were, and our vaccine protecting us from sexually transmitted diseases also contains a little bit of aphrodisiac and a pinch of truth serum." The smile dropped off his face completely. "Anyone else want a demonstration?"
All the men shook their heads and slunk away, Seamus a little slower than the others as he was still physically aroused. They were all so embarrassed, they exited the banquet hall.
As soon as they were gone, the entire table burst into hysterical laughter while the French agents stood and applauded wildly. The agent who had been translating for his coworkers exclaimed, "Magnifique! That will teach them to play with UNCLE agents!"
They were laughing so hard that Mr. Waverly had to harrumph three times before they noticed he was there. They leapt to attention as the Frenchmen suddenly realized they had other places to be and left. "Sorry, Sir!" Napoleon said as he moved aside. "Please, take my chair."
"No, thank you, Mr. Solo. If you all are quite finished humiliating your fellow law enforcers, it's time to go. This experiment was only partially successful. We leaders found this time to be very productive; however, no one's agents cared to be here or associate with each other, so going forward, it will only be the agency heads that get together." He looked at each of his agents. "You may leave. Mr. Kuryakin, please wait for your partner in the lobby. I want to speak with him."
"Yes, Sir," Illya replied before shooting his partner a look of support and taking his leave.
"Mr. Solo, I did not witness everything that happened at this table, but I did see Mr. Slate kissing one of the Scotland Yard gentlemen who had attempted to harass Miss Dancer earlier and he would not have done it without your expressed or implied permission."
"Sir, I…"
"Don't interrupt. Officially, I have read you the riot act for your poor behavior and leadership. Unofficially, well played, Young Man. People have to know that UNCLE agents are not toys to be played with nor are they to be the butt of adolescent jokes. However, do not repeat this behavior in the future. Go join your partner. Good night."
"Good night, Mr. Waverly."
The Old Man watched him go and thought, that was hilarious! I cannot wait to tell Mrs. Waverly!