Starsky and Hutch at 80
OFALA
(aka Old Farts Assisted Living Adventures)
By TLR
Plot: The social activities coordinator goes missing.
:::::::::::::::::::
The residents at Shady Pines are always excited when they gather each Saturday afternoon in the social activities room, because Jingles the Clown comes to entertain them, delivering fun and good cheer to everyone. No one has really seen Jingles outside his costume, or even knows his name, but no one seems to care. Rumor has it he shares an office with the social activities director, Carol Wilkins.
David Starsky, Ken Hutchinson, and Huggy Bear Brown are among the regular audience. Sadly, Captain Harold Dobey passed away a few years before.
This Saturday, Starsky and Hutch sit at a small card table for four at the back of the room. They are dressed in matching velour tracksuits except for the cardigan Starsky wears overtop in case of a chill. They sip prune juice while playing checkers, with Huggy refereeing because sometimes the partners argue about who wins, simply because it's harder to see the checkers with 80-year-old eyes.
Hutch pushes his black checker forward and looks around the gray-haired, the blue-haired, and the no-haired crowd. Jingles is on a five-minute break, so the audience has to wait. This time the break seems to go past five minutes, and the crowd is getting restless.
"You know, Starsk, when we were chasing bad guys, I never thought we'd end up in a place like this. Remember that old folks home we investigated that time?"
Starsky pushes a red checker forward. "Yeah, with the food they serve here, can't say as I don't want to plant 50 sticks of dynamite in the trunk of a car and leave it parked at city hall sometimes."
"Can you even taste the food at your age?"
"My age? I'm only a few months older than you, squirts."
"Not fair. With that new medicine, I haven't been incontinent in weeks."
"But yeah. I do miss the adrenaline, the danger..."
"But not the injuries."
"Hell no. I don't miss those. I break enough bones just wiping my ass."
Suddenly the crowd around them begins to grumble amongst themselves.
-"Where's the clown?"
-"Break's over! He's late!"
-"Did something happen to him?"
Starsky and Hutch exchange a look, torn between finding the missing clown, and filling in for him.
"There's only one thing to do," Starsky says as they help each other to their feet.
Hutch drops his cane and Starsky picks it up and hands it to him.
Huggy looks up at them. "Where you going?"
Hutch says, "We'll be back, Hug."
Starsky adds, "You need to get word-on-the-floor on that clown."
Huggy watches them make their laborious exit from the rec room.
::
Shady PInes rec room. Later same day.
Huggy Bear has dozed off in his chair waiting for his pals to return. Whether he has gathered word-on-the-floor remains to be seen.
Starsky and Hutch walk in now, wearing dubious clown outfits and makeup thrown together from rummaging through their own clothes, as well as the laundry baskets, closets, dressers, and makeup bags of the other residents. They move through the crowd, juggling and making balloon animals while interviewing the residents.
Starsky says to a resident while creating a balloon giraffe, "Did you notice anything unusual about Jingles before he disappeared?"
"He seemed upset about something...And your giraffe looks like a worm."
Hutch meanwhile tries to juggle, dropping balls all over, grumbling, "I used to be able to do this."
Starsky leans toward him and says in confidence, "You could never juggle, Hutch. I think you're confusing yourself with someone else. Or me."
Hutch glares at Starsky, then launches into a joke: "Tell me, Clown Partner, why did you put your money in a blender?"
Adding to the adlib without missing a beat, Starsky answers, "I wanted some liquid assets, dummy."
The crowd seems not to recognize their fellow residents Dave and Ken in their disguises, but do release gasps of "Oh my" during a Three Stooges bit where Hutch forgets to put his hand up vertical to protect his eyes from Starsky's two-fingered eye-poke.
"Ow!" Hutch wails as he covers his eyes and doubles over.
Sensing real pain and danger, Starsky tries to pull Hutch's hands down to assess the damage. "You okay?"
"No! You poked me in the eyes!"
"Well, sorry!"
This elicits unintentional laughs from the audience.
The director of social activities, Carol, walks over to them.
"Ken? Dave?"
"Who, us?" Hutch asks. "Why, we're...we're...Bingo and Bridge. Yeah, that's it. Bingo and Bridge."
Starsky looks at him. "Who's Bingo, and who's Bridge?"
"You're Bingo, I'm Bridge."
Carol smiles. "We don't know where Jingles took off to, but everyone here seems to like what you're doing."
"Uh, yeah," Hutch says rubbing at his eyes. "But aren't you concerned about where he is? I mean, he's never this late getting back."
"I'm sure he'll be back soon. He isn't exactly a spring chicken himself. You know how long those bathroom trips can be."
Starsky smiles at Carol. "We should look into it. Come on, Bingo."
As they walk toward the door and into the hallway, Hutch says, "No, you're Bingo. I'm Bridge."
Carol's indulgent smile follows them. She is clueless about the goings-on at Shady Pines, is the ultimate optimist, sees the best in everyone, thinks no one would do anything intentionally bad in an assisted living facility, and wants everything to look positively perfect and professional at all times.
::
Their first stop, the restroom.
"Jingles!" Starsky shouts as they step inside and look in and around the stalls. "You in here?"
Hutch accidentally opens a stall door. A woman sitting on a commode screams.
Starsky grabs his arm and pulls him out the door.
"We're in the lady's room, Hutch!"
::
The partners, still in clown costumes, rummage through the contents on Jingles' desk in Carol's office.
Hutch picks up a rubber chicken. "This is the most serious clue we've found so far."
"That's not a clue, Hutch. That's a prop."
"Or tomorrow's lunch."
Starsky picks up a squirt gun.
Just then, they hear a noise. An odd laugh outside in the distance. They rush to the window and spot a clown sneaking into the woods.
Hutch gasps. "Is that...?"
"Jingles!" they say in the same voice.
As they hurry-shuffle out the door as fast as they can, Starsky says "Feet, don't fail me now!"
"Think we should get the walker, Starsk?"
"Nah. Let's wing it!"
::
Shady Pines lobby. Ten minutes later.
Starsky and Hutch, out of breath, Hutch leaning heavily on his cane, Starsky gripping the squirt gun in his hand, escort a bedraggled Jingles back into the building.
"You had us worried, pal," Hutch says to Jingles as they walk down the main hall. "What happened?"
Jingles sighs with his head down. "I just needed a break from all the clowning around, guys. It's stressful. You don't know how hard it is coming up with fresh routines."
As Starsky and Hutch escort Jingles into the rec room, the residents start clapping and laughing, appreciating the unintentional comedy show they just witnessed.
Carol runs over to them with a big smile on her face.
"Dave, Ken. I'm making you two our official substitute entertainment coordinators. Jingles, you're fired."
Jingle actually smiles at the news and walks out.
Starsky and Hutch watch him leave, then join Huggy Bear back at their checkers table.
"Hey," Huggy says when they sit down, "word-on-the-floor is that Jingles is tired of his clown gig and wants to move to the Bahamas with his mamas."
"Yeah," Hutch says. "Thanks."
Starsky adds, "Coulda used that thirty minutes ago."
"No worries. There's more cases if you want 'em."
"Like?" Hutch asks.
Huggy nods toward a group of residents lining up to speak to them.
"My dentures are missing," a toothless Grampa Gus says stepping up to their table. "I think somebody stole 'em."
Starsky nudges Hutch. "Let's roll."
Hutch says with a groan as he holds his back, "Think I'm gonna need the wheelchair for this one."
Starsky pours three glasses of prune juice, and they toast.
"To future cases!"
The End?