Higgledy Piggledy Pop
by
Owlcroft
Lydia had just finished stacking the on-sale items on the side of the counter when the door to the shop was thrust open so fiercely that the bell jangled for twenty seconds after she looked up in astonishment at her visitor. "What are you doing here?" she blurted through the sound of the bell
The small blond-ringleted child known as Little Miss Warden strode through the door, followed by her troop of wooden soldiers, eyeing the shop and its contents with disdain. "Well," she sniffed haughtily, "I don't see anything cute here at all." She stood confidently, state trooper hat and sunglasses worn with arrogance; her huge rainbow-swirl lollipop held like a sword at the ready. "I have a warnt for Beetle-poopy's arrest. So there!" She almost threw a piece of paper at Lydia, who was already annoyed and verging on angry.
Lydia examined the 'warnt' carefully. As she did, her husband wandered out from the kitchen to see if he could help with something, but pulled up short when he looked over the counter and down. "Eep," he said, backing away quickly.
The pint-sized warden glared at him over the rim of her sunglasses. "There he is. Troops –"
"I didn't do anything! Lyds, honest, I haven't done anything –" He was appalled and trying to assure Lydia it was all a mistake when she held up a hand to stop him.
"I know, Beej. She's just here trying to get revenge on us." Coming out from behind the counter, it could be seen that she was just starting to show signs of her pregnancy.
"This 'warnt' has three – no, four spelling mistakes," she held it at arm's length and scowled at it, "and is written in crayon. You have been a very naughty little girl! I don't want to hear any excuses from you. You're going to have to go straight to bed, without any supper! And I want you to think about what you've done today, and be here at nine o'clock in the morning, on the dot, with an apology. A sincere apology."
Little Miss Warden stared at her in shock, then sniffed and stuck out her lower lip in a Grade 3 pout. "You're mean and I don't like you."
Lydia bent down to her level and spoke quietly but severely. "Your problem is that you never had to learn to be polite, or to have any respect for anyone. You were put in authority at far too young an age and you're a very rude little girl. I won't allow this kind of rudeness and bossiness from anyone, much less a small child who has no manners at all. So you will leave. Now. You go right back to the Neither-Neitherland and go straight to bed with no supper!" She glared at the wooden soldiers and added, "And that includes all of you, too."
The mirror sunglasses had slipped down and an amazed and dismayed child stared up at her.
"You have misbehaved for too long with no one telling you how wrong it is. You come in here and call my husband a very rude name and act impolite to me? You are a very naughty little girl and it's about time someone told you so. Now, go on, all of you." Lydia waved at the door emphatically. When no one moved, she said in a warning tone, "Right now."
As one, the wooden soliders turned and marched out of the shop, waiting in formation on the sidewalk for Little Miss Warden. She waved her lollipop of authority angrily, shouting at her escort to stop, but they ignored her until she finally exited the shop, with one backward glance at Lydia, and furiously ordered them to follow her.
Beetlejuice had cautiously come out from behind the counter and now embraced his still-irate wife from behind. "Wow. That was amazing! You were just like a . . . well, like a mother. Heart's treasure, you're going to be the best mother in the Neitherworld."
She leaned back against him and wrapped her hands over his. "It's about time someone told that child exactly what she can and can't get away with." She huffed a little, then relaxed and pulled his hands to rest gently on her stomach. "I've kind of been practicing being a mom, you know. Mentally, I mean. Thinking about what I would do and say and how to react in certain situations."
He kissed the top of her head, then sighed. "But I don't know anything about being a dad. Babes, dearest, it scares me sometimes."
"You don't need to worry about anything." She turned in his arms and smiled up at him. "You won't be the kind of father that you had. You're going to be there for our baby. You'll spend time with him, take care of him, instead of being a workaholic like your own father. That's the kind of dad I want for our child, and it's the kind you'll be." She saw the doubt in his face and rested her hands over his heart. "You'll be an adorable father, my darling. Caring and patient and funny. Your problem is going to be not spoiling our little boy. Or girl. I already know I'll have to be the disciplinarian in the family."
He still looked doubtful. "If you say so. I will try, but . . ."
"We have a little time to figure it out, you know. The baby's not even due for another few months and he won't be misbehaving for a few years after that. I hope!"
ooooo
The next morning, Lydia deeply regretted having forgotten that the shop would normally be closed that day. Still, she was there, waiting, at nine o'clock when an abashed Little Miss Warden showed up, alone, tapping at the door cautiously.
Lydia stared at her through the glass, then granted permission to enter with a nod.
Without the threatening lollipop and troop of soldiers, Little Miss Warden looked even smaller than she had the day before. Her high-pitched voice was quieter, too, as she handed over a piece of paper with scribbles on it. "Here," she said. "It's the best I can do."
Lydia took the paper from her, with a suspicious glance, and read it aloud for Beetlejuice's benefit. They'd agreed it would be best for him to wait behind the door to the kitchen, but it was open a crack so he'd know what was going on. "'I am sory' – that's supposed to have two r's in it, by the way – 'for yestiday. Wont do it agan.' Well, aside from the spelling mistakes, I think that's acceptable. We accept your apology and your promise." She stared at the child in front of her, who was trying to look contrite but not really succeeding. "I think you can go home. And try to be a good girl from now on."
The child frowned, turned, and left without another word.
As the bell over the door sounded, Beetlejuice emerged from the kitchen. "So, you think she's really sorry?"
"No," sighed his wife. "But it's the best we'll get. And I don't think she'll be back. But if she does come back," Lydia got a martial look in her eye, "she'll get a time-out, a lecture, bed without supper, and loss of television privileges."
Beetlejuice cringed before her in mock terror. "If I promise to behave, ma'am, would you let me kiss you?" he pleaded.
She laughed and grabbed him before he could move and kissed him thoroughly. "You know I only opened the shop for her. It's the weekend; we're taking the rest of the day off."
"Oh, yeah?" He cuddled her carefully, eyes half-closed in anticipation after that kiss. "And do what? You have anything specific in mind?"
"Mmm, I think so." She ran her hand up his neck then ran a finger over his ear from lobe to tip, giving him a sultry look. "Do you think you remember exactly how it was that I got pregnant?"
His grin was her only answer.
"And you know the whims of an expectant mother have to be satisified." Her grin matched his. "What was it that horrible child used to say? "Higgle . . ."
He thought for a moment. "Higgledy piggledy – "
"Pop!" she finished for him and kissed him again.