It was a Friday afternoon at Royal Woods Elementary, and second grade teacher, Mr. Sayers, usually treated Fridays as the unofficial kick-off for the weekend. His students were not scheduled to take another test until the following week, so for that particular Friday, he decided to turn it into a free day – that in and of itself could have meant a number of things, such as letting his students simply goof off in class, or even spend all day out in the playground (provided that he could get the approval from Principal Huggins for such). Today, the teacher had something else in mind for his students to enjoy.
"Okay, class, put away your books, because today, we're going to watch a video," he announced to the excitement of his class. "Make sure you pay attention, as we'll be watching Learn with Fern!"
The reaction to this announcement was a mixed bag. Some of the students were enthusiastic simply because to get to watch a video of any kind in class was a rare treat, although others were far less so; these students were second-graders, most of them were seven-years-old, some even going on eight, and as far as they were concerned, Learn with Fern was for babies… something along the lines of Bill Nye the Science Guy or even Beakman's World would have been preferable. For what it was worth, among the students in this class were the terrible twosome of trouble, twins Lana and Lola Loud, and while Lana was among the students who were enthusiastic about watching a video in class, Lola was among those who were not the least bit interested in watching Learn with Fern.
In older times, to watch a video in class meant that a metal cart which bore a large CRT television set and a VCR would have to be wheeled into the classroom, but these days, it was far easier for Mr. Sayers to simply connect his laptop to a large flat screen at the head of the class via an HDMI cable for the students to watch content. The lights were shut off, and within seconds came that theme song… that dreaded theme song…
Do you want to expand your brain?
Let knowledge trickle in your head like rain?
Are cool facts what your mind does yearn?
Then it's time to learn with Fern!
Some students plugged their fingers into their ears in a desperate bid to avoid having this obnoxious song haunt their dreams, while others happily sang along with the rhymes that would have made Dr. Seuss spin in his grave.
She makes reading, math, and science fun!
You'll know new things before the day is done!
So let your brainpower flow and churn
because it's time to learn with Fern!
After the unskippable theme came to an end, a little bespectacled girl puppet popped onto the screen. The character was already unsettling enough over how crude and sloppily it was made, but even more so was the fact that she looked as though Lisa Loud had somehow created a genetic experiment using DNA from herself and Ernie from Sesame Street. The character was not unknown to any of the Louds, as there was a toy of Fern in their house that baby Lily sometimes played with; while Fern was not as universally despised in their house as a certain Feel-Good Fox was, Rita and Lisa, in particular, cared not for the character's use of baby talk with toddlers, which they both found insulting to the intelligence of their developing minds.
"Hi-dee-ho, kiddily-widdilies! It's me, Fern! Are you ready to learn?" The puppet asked while its mouth flopped about so haphazardly without matching any of its syllables, and whose voice sounded like a creepy middle-aged man imitating a little girl.
"Yeah!" Some of the students –including Lana- cheered, while others moaned and groaned.
"I hate puppet shows…" scoffed Lola.
"Well, that's just super-fan-tabu-reffic!" Fern rejoiced in an attempt to amalgamate the words, 'Fantastic,' 'Fabulous,' and, 'Terrific,' that would make any English major cringe. "Hold onto your lids, kids! Because today, Fern is gonna help you learn all about…"
Just then, the felt-covered girl found herself surrounded by a number of paper cutout creatures that did not really seem to resemble much of anything, except for maybe the sorts of creatures that children may fear live under their beds, or within their closets; they all seemed to grumble and growl at Fern with the aid of vintage sound effects.
"GERMS!" She screamed before she flailed her arms via a pair of wire dowels from below frame.
When cartoony chase music was cued, Fern began to scurry across the screen from one side to another, all the while being pursued by those paper germs. For some children who had yet to really develop a sense of humor, the on-screen antics seemed so hilarious as they guffawed hysterically each and every time Fern scurried across the screen and screamed her floppy head off, while the evil paper germs continued to give chase. Finally, Fern paused in the middle of the screen, where she struggled to catch her breath.
"Golly-wolly, wow-wow! That was scary!" She huffed before she addressed her viewers, "Were you scared, too?"
That previous little chase sequence was far more entertaining than it was scary for most of the students, as they voiced their responses to the contrary.
"Well, you should be!" Fern warned. "Because that's the super-scary thing about germs… they're everywhere, and you can't get away from them!"
With that as a cue, those paper germs entered the scene again, and all at once, spooked the puppet girl with a collective, "BOO!"
Another scream flopped out of her mouth, and she was off again like a shot, which earned yet another bout of laughter from some of Mr. Sayers's students.
"Boy, we scared Fern good, didn't we?" One germ asked; the voice of which had obviously been digitally repitched to sound like an evil chipmunk.
"Yeah we did!" Another germ responded in the same kind of repitched voice. "I hate to admit it, but Fern is right… we germs are everywhere, and you can't get away from us!"
A third germ squeaked in with, "And you know what's scarier? You can't even see us!"
Some of the students gasped; Lana even seemed to have her curiosity peaked as she continued to watch the video with renewed inquisitiveness.
"Because we're so small, your eyes think we're invisible," a fourth squeaky germ added.
"That's how we do bad things to you, and you don't even know it!" The first germ exclaimed. "See for yourself the bad things we do to you…"
The video dissolved to footage of a half-eaten sandwich that had been dropped to the ground; ordinarily, Lana would not think twice about picking up discarded food and eating it, but the footage that she watched had intrigued her, as those same germs descended upon the sandwich. A scruffy young child who looked very much like somebody Lana would play with entered the scene and happened upon the sandwich, which, by now, appeared free of those germs.
"When you eat rotten food, you also eat us!" A germ's off-screen voice-over was heard as the kid bent over to pick up the sandwich.
"And watch what happens when you eat us!" Another germ's voice-over said as the scene repeatedly cut between the kid bringing the sandwich ever closer to their mouth, and what was meant to be an extreme close-up of the germs as they danced across the surface of the sandwich.
Finally, the kid took a bite of the rotten sandwich, much to the disgust of most students, but the intrigue of Lana. The next scene was a painted background that was meant to represent the inside of a stomach, as the germs freely danced around.
"We're in!" One germ exclaimed.
"Alright, troops; spread out!" Another germ commanded.
With that, the germs zipped out of frame in different directions, and the next thing that we saw was that same child as they now lay in a hospital bed and looked deathly ill while they regurgitated into a pink, lima bean-shaped cup.
"EWWWW!" Many of the students shrieked as they were grossed out… while Lana was just engrossed.
"And it's not just rotten food we love…" a germ voice-over said.
The next scene saw a pair of children in a cafeteria, where they appeared to have lunch; one of them drank milk directly from a carton. Another cut showed a background painted to look like the inside of a mouth as the germs appeared to leap out of said mouth and into the opening of the carton. The next cut showed a crudely put together scene in which the paper germs swam in (or rather, behind) a cardboard wave pattern that was painted white to look like milk. The next cut returned to the pair of children as the first handed the carton to their friend, who brought the carton to their mouth. Once again, the following montage repeatedly cut between a shot of the kid bringing the carton to their mouth, and the inside of the carton where the swimming germs anticipated what was about to happen. Mr. Sayers's students clamored for the kid on the screen not to drink the germ-infested milk, but they did anyway. Just as before, the germs were then shown in what looked to be the inside of the kid's stomach, where they did their thing again. In the next scene, this kid was also sick in bed; this time, they rolled over onto their side away from the camera, while it was implied that they, too, threw up off-screen. Some students were horrified, and even Lana looked a might concerned by what she had witnessed thus far.
"And if you think we're only on food, think again!" A germ voice-over said.
The next scene saw a pair of children as they blissfully tossed a ball back and forth – it seemed harmless enough, but the cut to what appeared to be the surface of the ball while the germs danced atop said otherwise. Sure enough, the next scene saw both kids sick in bed.
The next scene showed what appeared to be just a beautiful day outside, although it was incredibly windy; in a low-budget shot of leaves being blown across a plain blue background, there were the germs as they hovered around in the air via the wooden dowels they were taped to, and sang their hearts out like deranged chipmunks…
Against the wind
Germ-walkin'
against the wind
Next we saw a child as they walked by in the wind, breathing heavily through their open mouth, which, of course, implied that they breathed in those germs. The child began to cough and hack, just as another child passed by, and ended up being coughed on into their face… Mr. Sayers's students knew what this would entail before we dissolved back to the gaggle of germs.
"You see kiddies? Germs are everywhere!" A germ proudly proclaimed.
"We're on your food! We're on your toys! We're on your clothes! We're in your hair! We're in the air!" Another germ taunted.
"You can't get away from us!" Another germ taunted.
"And there's nothing you can do about it!" Another germ taunted.
"Actually, there is…" Fern's voice was then heard off-camera before a quick pan revealed the puppet girl now had bars of soap taped to her hands. "Say hello to my little friends!"
"NOOOOOOOO!" The germs all screamed at once. "NOT SOAP!"
"That's right!" Fern exclaimed before she ran over to the germs and appeared to do something with those bars of soaps taped to her hands.
Whatever she did, it had an adverse effect on the germs as they, one by one, shrieked and disappeared by being pulled down below the frame; the scene continued for a moment until each of the paper germs had disappeared, which left Fern alone to her devices.
"That's right, kiddily-widdilies! You have the power to fight back against those mean ol' nasty germs!" She enlightened the viewers before she broke into another poorly-written song.
Wash and bathe every day
That'll scare those germs away
Don't share food or drink with friends
So the germs spreading will end
Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze
Then those germs will up and flee
All these things you can do
And the germs won't bother you
"Well, kiddily-widdilies, that's it for this video, but you can always Learn with Fern anytime on YoohooTube, and follow Fern on Fartbook and Instacram for even more learning fun! Ask your parents' permission before going online. Till then, goody-goody-goodbye!"
With that, today's disenchanting misadventure of Learn with Fern had mercifully come to an end, but for Lana, it seemed that her problems had just begun.
Upon entering the cafeteria for lunch a short time later, Lana took a moment to look around and observe. She witnessed one student who had dropped a banana that they had just peeled onto the floor, but after they shrugged off the mishap, they picked it up and ate it anyway – something that Lana herself would do and not even think twice about it, but, she could just visualize those paper cutout germs defiling and desecrating that banana while it was on the floor, and jumping down the student's throat as they ate the banana. If that was not bad enough, when Lana made her way through the lunch line, the sight of today's entre was of great concern to her. As she took a look at the hamburgers that were served, she noted that they appeared to woefully undercooked, as all of the beef patties were half-red. Her father was a chef, and a restauranteur to boot, she knew a lot about how to properly handle, prepare, and cook food from her pops; she was fully aware that ground beef had to be cooked thoroughly until brown to kill off any bacteria that could otherwise poison the consumer if undercooked, such as E. coli, salmonella, and others. All of this she intended to bring to the attention of the lunch lady who worked behind the serving line.
"Why are all the hamburgers half-red?" She asked. "Hamburger meat needs to be fully cooked!"
"Relax, kid. It's not even real hamburger meat, anyway," insisted the old, crotchety lunch lady.
To hear this was of even greater concern for Lana, as she furthered interrogated the lunch lady: "Then what is it? What are you even feeding us?"
"Look, kid, if you don't like it, you can always have the salad instead…" offered the lunch lady as she handed the little red-capped girl a pre-packaged salad, though the appearance of which was hardly an improvement as Lana carefully inspected the contents through its clear, plastic container.
"Brown lettuce?" She remarked. "When's the last time this cafeteria's been visited by the health inspector?"
"Come on, Lana!" A student waiting in the line that had been held up whined.
"Yeah, hurry up!" Another student groaned in kind.
With an uneasy sigh, Lana reached for one of the side items and decided that would be her lunch instead.
"Guess I'll just have an apple…" she muttered as she took hold of the rounded red fruit, paid for it at the register, and wandered off to find a table to sit at… until another scenario rushed into the forefront of her mind. "Wait… what if it's been contaminated with toxic pesticides?!"
The young girl finally took a seat at a table next to her twin who happily sipped from a carton and followed up with a sigh of satisfaction.
"Wow, the chocolate milk is awesome today! Smooth… creamy… a strong cocoa flavor without being too overpowering…" she reviewed as though she was a connoisseur before she handed the carton to her twin. "Wanna sip, Lans?"
"NO WAY!" Lana recoiled in disgust.
Lola was left in dismay at first, but shrugged it off, then offered the carton to the little gray-dressed Latina who sat on her opposite side.
"Wanna sip, Meli?" She asked.
"Um, okay…" Meli accepted the offer as she took the carton and sampled the chocolate milk for herself, much to Lana's horror.
"What is wrong with you?!" She shrieked. "You wanna make each other sick?!"
Lola and Meli stared at Lana with blank expressions on their faces, unsure of what to make of the bizarre behavior that was exhibited by the former's twin.
"Are you sick, Meli?" Lola asked as she returned her attention to her friend.
"Nooo…" said Meli before she asked the pink princess the same. "Are you?"
"Nope!" Lola responded nonchalantly before she returned her attention to her twin again. "We're not sick, Lans."
Still, Lana looked utterly horrified and disgusted at her twin and her friend for drinking out of the same carton as she scurried away for parts unknown.
"Um… what's wrong with Lana?" Meli asked, a little perturbed by the behavior of Lola's twin, while Lola herself peeled her eyes in suspicion.
The sudden shift in Lana's behavior appeared to have been carried over into the Loud House after everyone had returned home from school and work, as the rest of the family was soon to discover when the balding patriarch called them down for a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs. While most of the siblings took their seats at the dining room table in typical carefree fashion, the arrival of Lana encased in a hazmat suit was met with perplexity.
"Uh, hey, sweetie…" greeted Lynn, Sr. "What's the getup for?"
"Just being safe, you can never be too careful…" explained Lana before she stabbed her fork into one of the meatballs on her plate and held it close to the screen of her face cover to give it a careful examination. "You cooked the meatballs thoroughly, didn't you, pops?"
"Of course, sweetie," nodded Lynn, Sr. curiously. "Always do."
"I hope so… the lunch lady served half-red hamburgers today, then said it wasn't even real hamburger meat…" explained Lana as she continued to inspect the meatball, although because it was smothered in the redness of tomato sauce, she could not tell for absolute certain if it had, indeed, been cooked as thoroughly as her father had claimed.
"Okay… what's going on here?" A perturbed Rita asked in regards to Lana's unusual behavior.
"I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that lame-o Learn with Fern video about germs we watched in class today has scared Lana straight…" surmised Lola.
It went without saying that the turn of events was quite a shock to the rest of the Loud family… Lana –the same sister who would eat green bagels that she found under couch cushions, keep and name half-eaten burritos that she unearthed from garbage receptacles, and even spend the night out in Charles's dog house- scared straight about germs? It was quite hard for any of them to believe, even as Lana suddenly dropped her fork onto her plate.
"Wait… what about the silverware?" She asked her father. "And the plates? And the glasses? Have they been sanitized?"
"Of course, Lana. I keep our dinnerware at home just as sparkling as I do at the restaurant…" insisted Lynn, Sr., but as if Lana's behavior was not the only peculiarity at the table, he and his wife had also taken notice of the empty chair right next to Lana as well as the absence of one of their children. "Anybody know where L.J. is?"
It was at that moment that the front door swung open, and the jock herself announced her entrance.
"You call my name and I appear!" She exclaimed before she sprinted into the dining room and planted herself into her empty chair.
"L.J., I thought you kiddos made a deal to be in this house no later than six," noted the father who shared her namesake. "It's after six-thirty!"
"Yeah, sorry, pops," said Lynn, Jr. with a sniffle. "Softball tryouts went long, and me and Margo decided to do a little pitching and catching after."
The excuse and/or explanation aside, both parents took notice of the curious case of the sniffles that their athletic daughter had, and it was just as concerning.
"Are you feeling okay, honey?" Rita asked. "You're sniffling…"
"Yeah, I don't get it…" sniffled Lynn, Jr. "It all started out of the blue when I was out in the field today…"
It was then that the jock turned and took in the sight of the little sister who sat next to her in her unusual getup.
"Oooookaaaaay, what's with the choppa suit? You're kinda freaking me ou…ou…ou…ooouuuuaaaaAAAAAAAH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Lynn, Jr. sneezed with such ferocity that an expulsion of wet snot and spittle spattered all over the screen of Lana's face cover, over which the little tomboy released a blood-curdling scream that would have frightened the dickens out of Dickens. Before the rest of the family could even comprehend what had happened, Lana leapt from the table and zipped out of the dining room so fast that nothing but a cloud of dust was left in her wake.
"Well, that was weird…" said Lynn, Jr. as she loudly sniffed some of the residual snot back up into her nostrils, much to the disgust of the rest of her family who had nearly lost their appetites. "Hey, can I eat Lana's dessert tonight?"
"No," was her parents' quick and blunt response to her query.
After she had put Lily to bed for the night, Rita stepped out into the hall and was about to head downstairs to join her husband for a little relaxation in the living room before either of them retired to bed later in the evening, but as she did, she noticed the long line that waited to enter the bathroom, and that just about each of her children stood in said line. This was not at all uncommon in the Loud House – it was one of the downsides of a large family living in a house with only one bathroom, however, it was a tad unusual at this hour, given that it was coming upon the children's bedtimes – particularly the younger ones… rather than waiting for their turns in the bathroom, they should have either finished, or be finishing up about now.
"What's going on here?" The matriarch asked as she stepped over to the end of the line, of which Lisa happened to be the caboose for this Loud train.
"Our handy-sister has been involved in a lengthy and rigorous sanitation process that has spanned the previous half-hour," explained Lisa.
"Lana? Taking a bath? Without being told?" To hear such had greatly stunned Rita; she proceeded to pinch various parts of her body, all of which elicited yelps of pain.
"No need for that, mother," added Lisa. "Indeed, Lana taking a bath is exactly what is taking place within our house's only lavatory, it is not any sort of phantasmagoria that would otherwise delude your present mental facilities." (In other words, no, Rita was not dreaming).
In spite of the annoyance of the other siblings who waited not-so-patiently in line to get into the bathroom, they all had to agree that, perhaps, for Lana to have seen that Learn with Fern video about germs may have been some sort of a miracle, or even a blessing (neither of which Lisa believed in, of course).
Lana was the dirtiest Loud of them all, and it was that facet of her personality that was a vexation for the rest of the family – especially her parents, who always did their best to maintain a clean home for their family, because, after all, a clean home is a happy home. On any given day, Lana would track mud through the house from where she may have been outside playing in mud puddles, leave traces of grease and grime from where she may have been in the garage tinkering with Vanzilla, or spread hair and dander all over the place from where she may have been playing with any of the household pets… sometimes, it even got to the point where she would have to endure special baths to rid herself of fleas, mites, or ticks, as though she herself was a household pet… and, as anyone in the Loud family would tell you, getting Lana to bathe was a chore in and of itself. The only time Lana would even get into the bathtub voluntarily was if she was in the mood to play with some of her bath toys, like pirate ships and inflatable sharks, or even if she and Lola would play pretend, and she would put pairs of flippers on her hands and feet, and some sort of hideous mask over her head like some creature from a Loud lagoon, while Lola would pretend to be a beautiful mermaid who needed rescuing from such a fiendish creature (in some cases, it fell upon Lincoln to slay the Creature from the Loud Lagoon to rescue the fish-tailed damsel). Even so, to actually bathe herself of the filth and grime was something that Lana would not do voluntarily, which meant that it would invariably fall upon any of her older sisters, or even either of her parents to forcefully bathe her themselves – and Lana would put up an even bigger fuss than either Cliff or Charles whenever they would be subjected to baths.
The very thought that those days could very well be behind them brought about a sense of relief to the rest of the Loud family: no more dealing with mud, grime, and dander being brought into the house; no more putrid smells coming from the bedroom she shared with Lola; no more cleaning up after her messes; no more having to force her into baths? It all felt like a dream come true.
Although, Lisa could find one quibble with such…
"I suppose this will bring about a premature termination to my research studies on Lana's kick-butt immune system…"
In fact, as Lisa thought about it, she had to wonder that, given how living in her own filth for nearly seven had clearly benefitted Lana's immune system, why would she be so fearful of the adverse effects that germs and bacteria would have on her?
Finally, the bathroom door swung open to reveal Lana wrapped in blue towels, and sporting some pinkish skin from where she had scrubbed herself so diligently that she had nearly scrubbed her skin raw.
"It's about time…" grumbled Lucy, who was at the head of the line, and was about to shove her way past her little sister, though Lana was quick to shield herself with her hands.
"Stay back!" She shrieked, as she made her way past her big goth sister, while Lucy finally stepped into the bathroom and shut the door so that she may take a shower. Lana, meanwhile, kept a distance between herself and her other siblings in the hall, while she continually held up her hands like a surgeon who had just been gloved. "Nobody touch me! I'm sterile!"
All of the while, Lynn, Jr. still dealt with some confounded and contrived sniffling, and unfortunately, just as Lana passed right by her, the jock succumbed to yet another exaggerated sneeze that sprayed phlegm and saliva all over the young blonde girl's face. Lana, once again, released a blood-curdling scream to have such excretion on her face, and the thought of germs contaminating her otherwise clean and healthy body via any of her crevices and orifices: her eyes, her nose, her mouth. In less time than it would take to describe the following actions in such a narrative, Lana immediately raced back into the bathroom, where she knocked Lucy to the floor just as she had stepped into the bathtub for her shower, to wash, scrub, cleanse, and sanitize her face all over again.
"Groan…" groaned Lucy as she found herself staring at the ceiling.
"LYNN!" The other siblings all griped at once.
"Sorry! I dunno what's wrong with me! It's like I've suddenly gotten hay fever, which I've literally never had before… I feel like a character from Arthur…" said Lynn, Jr. to reference the fact that the beloved, long-running PBS series had reached a point in its longevity that was a clear sign the writers had run out of ideas, and began to arbitrarily assign certain afflictions and ailments to certain characters who never displayed any signs or symptoms of said afflictions before for the sake of storytelling, such as Buster Baxter's asthma, or Binky Barnes's peanut allergies, or Alan 'The Brain' Powers's stunted emotional development, or even Francine Frensky's glossophobia. Indeed, it seemed as though that for no real rhyme or reason, some hack author had arbitrarily given Lynn Loud, Jr. such an affliction that she never had before for the sake of half-baked fanfiction.
Even later still, Lola finally had her turn in the bathroom and stepped out in her plushy pink bathrobe, with a mess of cold cream all over her face, and her long, luxurious golden locks rolled up in curlers. She made her way down the hall into the bedroom that she shared with her twin, but once she stepped inside, she could not believe her eyes: their room was impeccably immaculate; pristine and spotless to the point that it was almost antiseptic. Did Lola die and go to a plush heaven? She darted her eyes over to Lana's half of the room, and could not believe it: it was organized and tidied in a way it never had been before, and Lana herself was feverishly sanitizing her bare mattress of its numerous mystery stains – her sheets, covers, pillows, and anything else were conspicuously absent. Still, Lola was completely awestruck by what she had discovered.
"Lana… this is the best our room has ever looked!" The pink princess marveled. "Not a spot of dirt anywhere!"
"Dirt has no place in this room," said Lana uncharacteristically as she continued to spray and wipe down her mattress.
It was then that Lola took notice of something else that was not only unusual, but a little irksome as well, as she asked, "Wait… are you wearing one of my nighties?"
"I had to… every single piece of clothing I own was fiiiiilthy! I had to run 'em through the wash… twice!"
That was true. Down in the basement, the overworked washing machine ran a cycle of not only every article of clothing that Lana owned, but also all of her bedding as well… how Lana Loud ever learned how to actually work and operate a washing machine was a mystery.
There was something else that Lola then took notice of as she asked, "Where's your animals?"
"The gang?" Lana replied. "I've got 'em in quarantine…"
That was also true. Down in the basement, every single animal that resided in the Loud House found themselves locked in stacks of cages like a sort of makeshift kennel. It was not just Lana's personal pets, such as her frog Hops, her snake El Diablo, her lizard Izzy, her rat Bitey, her possum Duncan, her alligator Anthony, her Billy goat Greg, or even her ant Brad and cricket Paul… also incarcerated in this fauna interment camp were the family pets, cat Cliff, dog Charles, bird Walt, and hamster Geo… and even the personal pets of other siblings, such as Lucy's pet bat Fangs, and Luan's pet rabbit Gary… even Lincoln's plush toy Bun-Bun was locked in a cage. El Diablo had his tail coiled around a tin cup that he rattled against the wire mesh of his cage, while Gary played a jailhouse tune on a harmonica.
This had to have been the coup de gras for Lana that she had, indeed, become a whole new girl, and her twin was most impressed.
"Wow… it's like you're the New and Improved Lana Loud!" Lola continued to marvel. "Finally, I won't ever have to fight with you about all the dirt, and grime, and filth, and dander you bring into this room… you're like a normal person now… I am so proud of you!"
Lola not only threw her little arms around her twin, but even attempted to kiss her on the cheek, only to have her twin push her away in revulsion.
"Ugh! No offense, Lols, the mouth is a playground for germs!" Lana protested.
"I'll have you know that I brushed and flossed and whitened my teeth, and massaged my gums, and even used that kid-friendly mouthwash mommy bought me!" Lola scoffed haughtily in her defense.
"I'm not takin' any risks," insisted Lana as she put away her cleaning supplies into the bottom portion of her night table.
Lola, meanwhile, merely shrugged in indifference, as she retreated to her half of the room, whereupon she removed her bathrobe from her person to drape across the foot of her bed, and fished her sleep mask out from her night table drawer to strap around her head – something that did not go unnoticed by Lana.
"Hey, B-T-Dubs, when's the last time you washed your sleep mask?" The tomboy twin asked.
"What?" Lola responded just as she was about to pull said sleep mask over her eyes.
"I'm just sayin' that your sleep mask could be loaded with dead skin cells," noted Lana.
"Ahem, sweetie, with all this face goes through, if there are any dead skin cells, they're flowing down the Kalamazoo River by now," rebutted Lola, and it was true, as she not only regularly washed her face with soap and water, she also cleansed her pores and rejuvenated her skin with all sorts of facial products.
"Thanks, Lols, I may never be able to swim again," muttered Lana, who, although being a small child who never really paid attention to what any news outlets had to report, had heard about how so many natural bodies of water such as rivers, lakes, and even the oceans, had become so contaminated with manmade toxins, that many of them harbored bacteria that were capable of eating away human flesh, and even internal organs – all of which would be a germophobe's worst nightmare.
As Lana exited the room to go check if her laundry was ready to be put into the dryer so that she may make her bed and go to sleep, Lola had to take things into consideration for a moment. Okay, so her twin was being a bit extreme, but considering the alternative, she would much prefer if the so-called New and Improved Lana Loud was here to stay, because if there was one trait of her twin's that she could not tolerate, it was her slovenly ways. Nevertheless, Lola slipped into her princess bed, pulled the covers up to her neck and the mask over her eyes, then drifted off into dream land.
Lola's slumber was rudely interrupted by the loud buzz of her alarm, but the one solace that she had was knowing that since it was Saturday, there was no school today. She groped around the surface of her night table until her fingers felt the clock, on which she tapped the button to shut off the alarm. After a big yawn and a good stretch, she removed her sleep mask from her eyes, but was in for an unexpected shock: before her was Lana's half of the room… back to the way it always was: messy, disorganized, and everything strewn about, as though the occupant was raised in a barn. The little pink princess could not believe her eyes, and in fact, briefly pulled her sleep mask back over them before she removed it from her head – just to see if maybe her eyes had played a trick on her, or if what she had seen was an optical illusion. It wasn't. Just the same, Lana's half of the room was just as messy as it had always been, except for last night. How could this even be? And there was no way of asking Lana herself, because Lana was nowhere to be found – it did not even look as though she bothered to make her bed after she had gotten her sheets and covers out of the laundry, as everything was just piled up on her mattress like Lynn, Jr.'s lucky jerseys that she always left in big piles on the floor of hers and Lucy's bedroom.
Moments later, much of the rest of the family had gathered in the kitchen for breakfast, whether certain siblings prepared bowls of cereal, or others awaited a warmer breakfast of eggs and bacon that Lynn, Sr. had cooking on the stove, or certain older sisters who preferred to just have a cup of coffee. There were just two siblings missing, however: Lana and Lincoln. Although, at that moment, the snowcapped boy who was still clad in his orange pajamas had just stepped into the kitchen through the back door with something of perplexed look on his freckled face.
"Uh, guys?" He addressed his family. "I think you're gonna want to see this…"
As they made their way out onto the porch, they could already hear the familiar sound of that raspy little voice that belonged to Lola's tomboy twin as it exclaimed, 'Oh, man! I missed you guys!' Along with the sounds of barking, meowing, chirping, and other animal calls. The family must have slept through a midnight rainstorm, because the backyard was completely soaked, and to their horror, there was Lana, splashing and frolicking through the puddles and patches of mud that littered the entire yard, while the family pets played along with her. They just could not believe it; Lana was back to her old self again.
"LANA LANE LOUD!" Rita shouted to garner the young girl's attention.
"What the ding-dang-heck is going on here?!" Lynn, Sr. demanded to know.
"Just wanted to get an early jump on the mud while it's nice and fresh," explained the mud-covered girl. "Man, it came a good soaker last night!"
"But… but… what about yesterday, when you were all hung up on germs, and taking a million baths, and making our room look so perfect?" Lola strained.
"Opposite Day!" Lana explained.
"Opposite Day?!" The rest of the family responded at once.
"Didn't you guys know?" The little handy girl asked.
No, none of them knew; it was not as though Opposite Day was something that would be noted on a calendar, but somehow, Lana knew, and watching that Learn with Fern video about germs in school yesterday was what inspired her to do a complete one-eighty in her personality to celebrate the occasion.
"So, yesterday was nothing but an act?" Lola asked.
"Ch-yah, I really had you goin', didn't I?" Lana chuckled. "You guys know I could never give up mud, or anything else… besides, I know there's germs all around us, and I'm cool with that – germs never bothered me anyway!"
The family had very much been fooled by Lana's charade, and were also very much disappointed to learn that it was just that – a charade. They had hoped they were beginning to see a whole new Lana Loud who would no longer go out of her way to get as dirty as she possibly could, and not only bring that dirtiness into the house, but go through such a hassle to try to clean her up of said dirtiness… and no one in the family was more furious about this than her twin.
"Someone hold me back… CAUSE I'M GONNA STRANGLE HER!" Lola growled as she attempted to follow up on her words with actions, which did, indeed, prompt some of her siblings to restrain her.
"So, you really weren't all wigged out when I sneezed on you?" Lynn, Jr. asked.
"Nah, but that was a nice touch," said Lana as she ascended the wooden steps up onto the porch, which left behind muddy footprints in her path. "You really helped me sell it; thanks, sis!"
"Hey, so long as we're cool!" Lynn, Jr. said with a sense of relief. "You put on a good little ac…ac…AAAAAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Once again, Lynn, Jr. released a tremendous sneeze that sprayed more of her snot and spittle all over Lana's face, only instead of freaking out as she had the previous two times, Lana happily sampled what her big sister had treated her to, as she licked around her face as far as her tongue could reach, much to the utter disgust of the rest of the family (except for Lynn, Jr. herself).
"Hmm… salty, tangy… with a mellow undertone…" was Lana's review of the taste as she savored Lynn, Jr.'s mucus, phlegm, and saliva like one would when they sampled an excellent, fine wine.
It was far too early in the morning for any of this for much of the rest of the family, and just about none of them were in the mood for breakfast any longer, as they trudged back into the house with disappointment looming over their heads… although, Lincoln still had one last little piece of commentary to state.
"Well, I guess some things never change…" he shrugged.
"You know it, big bro," said Lana proudly as her muddied fists met her hips. "I gotta be me!"
If this plot bunny seems rather weird to you, that's because it was supposed to be. Even though recycling and rehashing typical kid show plots isn't something that Loud House is new to, it has become more frequent and commonplace in recent seasons, and it just stands to reason that one common overused kid show plot is a usually unhygienic character becoming a germophobe; case in point: Lana. However, as you may be able to tell, I put a traditional Loud House twist on it: whereas the usual case in these plots is that the other characters try to revert the newfound germophobe back to their familiar ways, the others, in this case, were actually happy to think that Lana had changed for the better… just like they were when Lucy wanted to be normal, or when Luan gave up comedy. Wow, this can really be a terrible family sometimes.
Also, to kill two birds with one stone, I decided to put another twist on this story by recycling another common kid show plot: Opposite Day… even though the notion is something that has sort of been applied to some of the characters in other scenarios before (i.e. "Butterfly Effect," "Future Tense," "Sister Act," "Cheer Pressure," etc.). Either way, I felt it was more interesting to have Lana's germophobia all be an Opposite Day act, instead of her really becoming a germophobe. And, yes, I just had to go and arbitrarily give Lynn the Arthur Disease of the Week treatment just for the sake it, so actually, that's three overused kid show plots that I spoofed in one plot bunny.
Lastly… my school cafeteria experiences were exactly as depicted – that much was not exaggerated.