One Week Later
To say RJ didn't expect his little activity to get as far as it did was an understatement.
What had initially started as a little thing RJ did to get away from the monotony and strain of just simply planning the heists had now advanced into the Hedgie's new favorite pastime. Any waking moment that wasn't spent watching TV or going over some plan was spent watching humans of any kind. Yes. Any kind.
As for how RJ found out…well, it started on Wednesday.
That day, RJ was currently taking a moment to go over some plans for a Monday heist on the Lister household. From his watchings, he knew the two occupants would leave the house around seven in the morning for their job. They would get home around seven at night, so the gang would have a twelve hour window if they were really particularly risky. Usually, the two would pass out right after work in a deep sleep, although on some occasion one of them would stay up a bit to do some admittedly impressive painting. Regardless, night runs for their house was admittedly much safer in RJ's mind, and would likely result in Verne appreciating that.
Yet, there was something distracting him, something that sounded like…Verne and Stella?
"Honey, I accidentally hit one of those…holes in the road."
"Of course you did, you would hit one of those holes, you hole."
Two things immediately struck RJ. The first was that once again, he forgot that Stella had very little filter on what she said, meaning she was just as prone to swearing like a sailor as she was when it came to using her "skunk-tillery". Her words not his.
The second was that now Verne had gotten Stella interested in the whole "dialogue" fib he had made up in order to avoid another lecture from Verne about slacking off. RJ was no slacker, he put effort into these heists of course, and of course he would take these seriously. Anything wrong and the family would be in danger.
A guy needs a break however.
That did make RJ wonder something, and it was how far did this go? He had been alternating between going over heist prep with either Verne, Lou, or Heather (yeah, after the wagon heist, he had to admit she was really handy), and those times he wasn't doing that was either snacking or watching TV with the others. Come to think of it, he noticed that the TV had been less crowded recently, even to the extent that Hammy and the kids wouldn't show up.
Speaking of the kids, as he stepped away from the dry dialogue of Verne and Stella, he heard the noises of the kids up in another tree that was close to the hedge. Judging by the tree's position, it was likely they were watching the Delarosa family. The kids went to school at around eight and didn't get back until three. Of course, it probably had to do with their ages, since they went to some place called "high school".
So what was low school then? For younger kids?
Yes, that's called middle school…and RJ lamented the fact they didn't call it left or right school.
School naming is confusing.
Anyways, the Delarosa house was a rare instance where there was no option for a heist during either time of the day, and that was for three reasons. The first reason was because the mom worked from home as an online teacher. That continued throughout the day, which RJ would have some pity for, save for the fact that she was unknowingly standing guard and didn't go to bed until the kids were asleep, and even then the kids were prone to all-nighters, which of course was the second reason.
"Working all day for how much?" He heard Penny speak.
"Last time I checked RJ's little doo-hickey, it was around forty-thousand." Lou replied.
"It's a phone dad." One of the triplets spoke up, either Bucky or Spike, although this was quickly overshadowed by Penny's response.
"That amount yearly?" Penny asked. "Jeepers, she might as well be going to the bank and cashing in nickels and having them back in quarters."
Yeah, that was the third reason. Not really worth it.
"You see that computer she's working on there, it'd be to die for." Quillo spoke up.
The moment Quillo said that, RJ immediately began scanning the trees, remembering the last time he mentioned something involving death, Ozzie played dead. Ever since then, he's made sure to watch what he said around the easy-to-frighten Ozzie. At the very least the first time it happened, he was on the ground. He wouldn't want to be there if Ozzie fell out of a tree.
After a while however, he breathed a sigh of relief that Ozzie had thankfully not fallen out of the tree, but that of course left one question unanswered, and that was where Ozzie, Heather, and Hammy were. He hadn't seen them yet, and he didn't see them in the clearing where they usually met. Come to think of it, the latter two were usually the first to greet him upon waking up.
Yeah, he had an idea where they were.
Strolling along the hedge, it didn't take long for him to find out where the other three members of the Hedgies (save for Tiger, who he saw sleeping in the log) were. They were in a tree that coincidentally enough was housing the next targets in the Lister family. Climbing up, RJ would eternally try and think of a way he could ask what was going on without spooking Ozzie.
His solution happened to be right in front of him.
"Oh, morning RJ!"
RJ barely managed to keep his grip on the tree as he realized that Heather was casually hanging upside-down by her tail, and judging by the smirk on her face, she was expecting him. Of course, ever since the day with the wagon, Heather had made it her mission to surprise RJ at any moment. For a while, RJ assumed this was her revenge for the Vincent incident, but he finally came to the conclusion that Heather was really doing this...for fun.
Families are weird sometimes.
"Morning Heather." RJ replied. "Is Ozzie and Hammy up there with you?"
"We're right here RJ." Ozzie called from above.
"Here as well!" Hammy piped in. Yup, Hammy certainly was there. Taking a moment to compose himself, RJ would climb to the branch the three were on. Sure enough, the branch was right in front of the Lister family, and right in the window were the two occupants consisting of two women.
Yeah, RJ knew what they were, and he didn't judge. He may judge humans on a lot of things, but what they're into he wouldn't. After all, judgment stops creativity, and considering that the one who stayed up late usually made some really good artwork, it just enforced this idea.
"Anyways, before Heather here nearly scared me to death-"
As soon as he said that, RJ had to reach towards Ozzie to prevent him from playing dead, realizing that what he just said would probably result in him falling off the tree. Thankfully he grabbed him in time, and of course he got to receive one of the unamused looks from Heather that he's grown accustomed to when it came to Ozzie's fainting.
Remember what he said about watching his words near Ozzie? Turns out he's as prone to not watching his words as Ozzie is to fainting.
"Anyways, what I was saying, what're you guys doing?" RJ asked.
"Oh, Verne started this whole human dialogue thing; said it was your idea." Heather replied. RJ couldn't help but feel a bit of pride in knowing that Verne gave him credit. He wouldn't turn down an opportunity to have his ego stroked a bit, although he did make sure to keep it in check.
"Unfortunately, we're not very good at it." Heather continued, before pausing for a moment. "Well, that's a lie, Hammy and I aren't good at it, dad on the other hand…"
"Cynthia, I must confess, I have cheated on my boyfriend with Nicholas from work!" Ozzie bellowed out.
Well, way to be dramatic.
"But Rachel, I also cheated on my boyfriend, Nicholas from work as well!"
RJ wanted to say something so bad, about how the two women in the house clearly were wearing rings. He may not know much about human customs, but even he knew from TV that meant they were together. Yet he didn't because he wanted to see where this would go.
"The only way to settle this…" Ozzie spoke as the two got close to each other. "Is with a battle of epic proportions!"
That's when the two women gave each other a peck on the cheek before breaking off into different rooms, leaving the other three confused. Clearly, they had no idea what to think of that, as well, they never saw it before. RJ was just sad Ozzie's dramatic acting was over.
"What was that?" Hammy asked the raccoon.
Oh no, he had to explain lesbians to Hammy.
He barely managed to avoid explaining what pregnancy was to the talkative squirrel a few nights ago, and he wasn't about to go into great detail about orientation. Because then he would have to go into the history, and he'd be stuck in a rant about the injustices done to humans who liked their own gender, and then knowing his luck, he'd be known less as a heist planner and as someone who has way too much free time on their hands.
AKA, a slacker, which was what he was trying to avoid being labeled as by Verne.
"They're called lesbians, Hammy."
Hopefully that wouldn't come back to bite him.
"What about you RJ, are there any families you make up dialogue for?" Heather asked. RJ was about to say no because of course he didn't, but then he realized the power he had in his hands. He could share his overall past-time with everyone else, and slowly wriggle his way out of this lie.
"Have you heard of the Sandusky family?"
One talking to the group later, and they were invested in the upcoming birth of the Sandusky baby. Even Tiger, who usually never found much interest in watching them. His reasoning was that since he lived with one, he had an idea what they were like, and the outside was far more interesting. Regardless, that didn't apply for the Sandusky family, and every night at around eight, the gang would prop themselves on the hedge to watch them, sometimes while bringing food.
Well, that's what they initially did. However, there was something about the Sandusky family that was so interesting to them. Maybe it was the pregnancy, but whatever the case, they couldn't help but get a bit…closer to them.
The lawn chairs were a lifesaver to them.
"Show me the baby!" Hammy shouted. RJ was very grateful that the windows could muffle them, otherwise the couple inside would be in for a big surprise. That surprise being a hyperactive squirrel ranting about their unborn kid, and of course a whole forest obsessing over said unborn child.
"It'll be ready when it's ready, Hamster." RJ spoke, while taking note of how he heard Hammy's stomach growl. Must've been hungry. "I've been keeping track of how long it's been, and it should be this month."
"I tell you, they are spoiling that kid rotten." Lou spoke, which of course resulted in a few eyes landing on him.
"Huh?" Verne asked. "How can you spoil a child who-"
"Prenatal parental permissiveness, it'll tear the suburbs apart!" Hammy shouted, and of course Stella had to quiet him, to which Hammy would quickly mention he was hungry and scurry off somewhere.
"Whoever thought it was a good idea to introduce Hammy to that political talk show, you just made a big mistake." Stella mumbled.
"Take a wild guess." Verne replied, giving RJ a very unamused look.
"Hey, to be fair, I did tell him that guy was being satirical." RH
Verne looked to reply, but clearly thought better of it or didn't care enough. Clearly, he, like the rest of the Hedgies, were focused on the show. That show of course being waiting for the baby to arrive.
"You know, RJ, you seem to know a lot about this." Verne spoke. "The uh…pregnancy thing I mean."
"When you've encountered humans for as long as I have, you get some knowledge." RJ replied with his signature cocky smirk. He was right about that, although he didn't really know everything.
"Why are you so…invested in this?" Verne asked.
"Easy, I've never actually seen how humans come to be." RJ replied. That of course earned him a confused look from Verne.
"Didn't you say you knew what pregnancy was?" Verne asked.
"Well, I only know half of it." RJ replied. "I read a book about it, but it was so boring that I gave up about half-way through." Verne just continued to give RJ his bewildered stare.
"You don't know how the baby gets out?"
"I just always assumed they just…spawned." RJ replied. "Like in those video games." Verne didn't say anything else, although RJ could swear he heard a slight laughter in his voice. Almost as if he knew something that RJ didn't. RJ was about to ask him what he was thinking, before his attention was caught by noises coming from inside, clearly from the mother.
"Is this it, is it finally time?" RJ asked, and immediately all the animals pressed their faces against the window.
"Show us the child, show us the child." RJ began to murmur, and slowly but surely, the rest of the animals began to chant it as well, as if it were some demonic chant to summon some weird entity. Not helping was the fact that Hammy had elected to turn on the grill because he wanted something to eat, and put the flame up pretty high.
What resulted was the sight of the animals, save for Verne, faces pressed up against the window while an eerie red fire burned behind them chanting for a child.
Needless to say, the family noticed quickly and quickly shut the curtains, much to the dismay of the critters. Now they had no way to figure out if the baby was coming or not. All thanks to their incessant chanting.
Oh, and Hammy's appetite, but that was going to be ignored for Hammy's sake.
"You know, I'm not exactly surprised they did that, you guys looked like something out of a horror movie." Verne spoke.
"Hey, this is an important moment in the history of these suburbs, and we need to bare witness to it." RJ replied. "Everyone, I will go around the short way to see if we can find an unblocked window, everyone else, go around the long way to find one!"
"You're sounding more and more like an insane cult leader." Verne spoke.
"Don't worry Verne, all your questions and more will be answered…" RJ started to say as he hopped off the chair he was stationed on, completely failing to notice the chair was close to one of the canisters under the grill.
"...if you follow me."
"I don't even have any questions…"
"Alright, RJ, I have many, many questions as to what's going on." Verne spoke to RJ, who was at the moment on top of one of the trash cans, desperately scanning the window. Unfortunately for him, it appears that while the windows were unblocked, they didn't give a good view of the action. Not helping was the look RJ gave Verne once he heard Verne say he had questions.
"Didn't you just say you didn't have any questions?" RJ asked.
"Not then, but right now, this is weird, even for your tastes." Verne replied. "What's so important about this kid being born?"
RJ's expression would change from bewilderment to his signature smirk, and Verne would roll his eyes as he knew what was coming next. RJ hopped off the garbage can, and casually strolled up to Verne as if he already had a big revealing speech on his mind.
Sure enough, he did.
"You see Verne, as I mentioned earlier, I want to know precisely how humans are born, but there's more to this." RJ started. "How many of the hedgies here know what pregnancy is?"
"RJ-"
"None!" RJ replied, not even letting Verne finish his sentence. "The reason this birth is so important is because we can learn so much about them, and what's a better way to learn about them than from the beginning?"
Okay, several things to point out, Verne thought, and he had no idea in which order to put these thoughts in in order to relay them to the clearly hyped up raccoon.
One, RJ doesn't know how babies are born.
Two, RJ wants to observe a baby from birth, which without any sort of context is very weird.
Three, Verne was willing to bet that RJ likely doesn't know how babies are even made.
Four, RJ found a book about child birth boring.
Five, since he never finished the birth, he had no idea what he was getting in for.
Six, according to RJ, none of the other family members know what pregnancy was.
Seven, relating to the above, he clearly forgot that Ozzie was Heather's dad, and Lou and Penny have triplets.
Eight, there is a bright light flying over the house?
Verne was quickly snapped out of his stupor when the grill that Hammy had turned out earlier had shot up into the air. Maybe he didn't turn it off? Wouldn't really be surprising.
It took RJ to shove Verne behind the trashcan before the grill slammed on top of the car, pretty much caving the roof of it in. That of course was followed by the husband rushing outside to see what happened, only to let out a cry of anguish. Who wouldn't be that upset over the sight of your car being caved in by a grill?
Verne would give RJ a glare, as if he expected RJ to be behind all of this. The raccoon noticed the glare, and raised his paws.
"Hey, I didn't have anything to do with this." RJ spoke. That time, he was being truthful.
Of course, that was going to be overshadowed by how quickly the husband ran back into the house. Strange, RJ thought. He assumed he'd be more preoccupied mourning the loss of his fantastic car.
"The car blew up." A voice from behind the two spoke up. Turning, they saw Tiger behind them with a rather unamused look.
"Thanks for pointing it out." Verne replied, clearly in no mood to deal with any more of this baby talk. Unfortunately for him, life just wasn't fair.
"Oh yeah, and the baby's coming."
Not gonna lie, I had some trouble with this chapter. Every time I looked at it I just felt unsatisfied, like there was something missing. This took more than a few rewrites, and even then, I really do feel like I'm toeing the line with this chapter itself.
Anyways, chapter highlights. RJ's lie has spread out of control and made a new activity, Hammy now know what lesbians are, he also destroys a car, and now the baby is coming.
How will the gang deal with this? Tune in next time!