A/N: Canon-divergent—ninety percent of the first draft written during NaNo 2022, the final ten percent in January 2023.
Disclaimer: I don't own EastEnders.
And Now Bursting Forth with Splendour are the Blossoms of Second Tries
Eve's been acting strangely all week.
To an outsider, there would be little to cause alarm. She moves around the square with her usual confidence, her chipper attitude raising a laugh from the locals as they indulge in a bacon bap from the van. Her charm and swagger draw people to her with magnetic ease—she makes it seem so effortless, being personable and accommodating. From afar, Suki sees her sharing playful banter with Stacey and Kheerat, her cheeky laugh carrying across the square. When they're together, she's as attentive and adoring as ever, draping a casual arm around her shoulder, pressing affectionate kisses to her cheek, sleeping curled protectively against her back.
But a certain melancholy overtakes her when she thinks Suki isn't looking, and she doesn't know why. She grows quiet, eyes turning inward at something only she can see, chewing at her lip continuously in a silent rumination. Her hands flex nervously. She touches her wedding ring often. Suki doesn't think she even notices that she's doing it, that it's a subconscious tic, though what's started it she has no idea. She pretends that she hasn't noticed, but inside she's a mess of roiling, confusing emotion. What's happened?
She'd be worried that Eve is losing interest, but she knows it can't be that, not after how hard she fought for them to be together. She's said herself on multiple occasions that she isn't made for a life of hiding, for forcing herself back into the closet, for being some married woman's sordid little experiment. Whilst she went back on that promise on several occasions for her, Suki knows that that was because she was in love, not because she found sneaking around thrilling. And nor does she have any reason to be jealous of Eve's relationship with Stacey—she's made it quite clear that whilst Stacey might legally be her wife, there's no attraction there whatsoever and they're nothing more than just really good mates. Not only that, Suki can see that Stacey is absolutely infatuated with Kheerat. When she spies them out and about together, she's never seen her son look as happy as he does now, swinging their joined hands between them with no care in the world. Nor is Eve being secretive, or making up increasingly tall tales to be away from the square and in another woman's arms.
Which makes it all the more puzzling.
Sometimes she thinks she ought to bring it up, to let Eve know that if there's something bothering her then she can be relied upon to bear the burden too. For the longest time Eve has been the rock, the unmovable foundation, the one there to soak up the pressures and to keep unerring faith.
She's never been very good with feelings. Her upbringing, she supposes, where she was expected to silently endure, is to blame for that. In the passing years, she has struggled to change her mind set, preferring to shoulder her problems alone than make herself vulnerable in front of someone else.
There had been glimpses of that possibility when she had found herself developing feelings for Honey Mitchell, but that had quickly been buried back down into the dark recesses of her subconscious, never to be given credence again.
It had changed forever when Eve had swaggered into her life, cocky and unapologetic in who she was. Eve has shown her that it's okay to let her guard down, that there are people out there who she can trust, that she doesn't have to be forever chained to past mistakes. That she is deserving of a second chance, of love.
She wants to give Eve those same reassurances, to promise her that she's always there to listen, to help find a solution if there's something she needs help with.
But then she finds herself afraid of what the truth might be, if there's something darker lurking beneath the surface, and she's terrified of her happiness being snatched away from her when it's taken them so long to find their way to each other.
So she bites her tongue and says nothing at all, but she knows she can't do that forever. That at some point or another, she's going to have to be brave.
The catalyst comes on a Friday evening.
It starts out ordinary.
Suki leaves the shop in Vinny's hands, stopping by Stacey's van as she passes. Eve is busy cleaning down the counter, but she pauses when she sees her, leaning seductively over the hatch.
"See anything you like?" she says.
Suki runs her tongue over her lip, looking her up and down. "I'm not sure yet."
"Well, feel free to browse the menu for as long as you need."
"How about you tell me what you'd recommend?"
Eve props her fist under her chin, raising an eyebrow. "Can't say much for the food, but there's a very dishy lesbian that might be to your taste."
"Maybe I'll let you know later when I've had a sample," she replies lowly, stepping nearer and reaching up to run her finger over her lover's wrist bone. Eve shudders, her eyes darkening.
"Oi, you two, knock it off." Stacey pops up from where she'd been squatting out of sight in the bottom of the van. "I've got dinner with Kheerat later, I don't want to have to tell him that I've lost my appetite because his mother and my wife can't keep the bedroom talk to themselves."
Suki takes a step back at once, straightening, feeling her face grow hot. "Ah, Stacey. Didn't see you there."
"Clearly not," she says.
"Lay off it, Stace," says Eve, picking up a tomato and lobbing it at her friend's head. "Flirting's not just reserved for the straights, you know."
"Never said it was. Still doesn't mean I want to listen to the weird food dirty talk." Stacey throws the tomato back. Eve bats it away, and it comes flying out of the van's hatch, splatting onto the floor near Suki's perfectly polished shoes.
"Whoops, sorry, babe," says Eve, sounding anything but. "Stacey, stop being a pillock."
"Me? I wasn't the one who almost got tomato juice all over the landlady!"
"I was just making sure you were still coming round later," Suki interrupts stiffly, before they resort back to childish bickering. In contrast to Eve's laid back attitude, she still hasn't quite got used to being so openly demonstrative around the likes of Stacey Slater.
"Yeah, wouldn't miss it for the world," says Eve. "When I'm done here I'm gonna nip back home for a shower and a change of clothes. I know you like me all greased up, but I thought I should make the effort if it's going to be a romantic candlelit supper." She tips her a wink.
Suki's insides twist pleasantly at the thought, but she manages to keep a straight face. "See you later, then."
"Bye, love!" Eve shouts after her. She hears Stacey ribbing her about something, but can't quite make out the words—and it's probably best if she doesn't know. For the first time in her life she's being open about who she is and what she's feeling, but that doesn't mean that all bouts of self-consciousness and fear have dissipated. Eve understands. Says that it took her years to unlearn her own toxic thoughts.
Thankfully, it's been made easier by the fact that on the whole, no one on the square really gives a damn. That's something else Eve was right about. There was plenty of rumourmongering for the first few weeks—it was inevitable, she supposes, given that she's been so notorious for being straight-laced and unforgiving—and whilst she hates any sort of idle gossip, had itched at the whispers and stares as she had crossed the square with her hand twined tightly with her lover's, trying to keep her head held high, she had managed it nevertheless, pretending not to notice, focused only on getting to their destination without bolting back to the safety of her four walls.
There's no going back now. She's out. Honest. With herself, with others, about who she really was.
It's something she'd at one time thought that she would never, ever be able to face. A strength that would forever elude her.
And it's all down to having Eve's steadying presence at her side. Her gentle encouragement, the way she had installed her confidence bit by bit, opening her eyes to the wonders that the world could offer if she was only brave enough to embrace it.
All of her happiness is because of Eve. Her lover. Her everything.
"What are you looking at? Haven't you got stuff in your own lives to worry about?" Eve had said, loud, defiant, daring anyone to say anything, and whether they were intimidated by her fierceness or just mindful of the fact that those in glass houses had better not tempt fate by throwing stones, they melted back into the background, and in a matter of a week some other new drama had overtaken the square, and the fact that Suki Panesar was dating a woman was old, boring news.
In the end, the only people's opinions that mattered were her children's. Kheerat had already reassured her on countless occasions that he was okay with it, that he just wanted her to be happy. Ash had been shocked initially, and angry that she had been scapegoated for her own sexuality, but she is also unfailingly empathetic, and it hadn't taken her long to accept that whilst it didn't make the way she had been treated right, there had been so many outside pressures on Suki to be the perfect woman society expected her to be, and that she deserved the chance to be true to herself just like everyone else. Vinny, always one to look to his older siblings for guidance, had soon fallen into line with Kheerat and Ash's view, admitting that whilst it was weird to think of his mother with a woman, he wanted her to be happy, and if that meant that that was with Eve, then he would fully support that.
She lets herself back into the house, throwing down her things and heading for the shower to freshen up herself. She chooses a slinky burgundy dress with a low cut that seems entirely too extravagant for dinner at home, more suited to a sensuous seduction. Not that she needs to seduce, they're long past the stage for that. But it's always amusing to watch Eve squirm, knowing that she's enjoying the view, prolonging the sweet torture until she finally breaks and they end up tumbling into bed together.
Dressed to impress, she moves to the kitchen to begin preparing dinner. She's not modest enough to pretend that she isn't an excellent cook. Raising four kids on her own has given her legendary skills, and she enjoys watching the expression of exultance on Eve's face as she bites into something she's enjoying and declares it almost the best thing she's ever tasted.
Before she invariably lowers the tone by letting her know just what she thinks the best thing she's ever tasted is.
Eve turns up on the doorstep precisely on time, just as she's plating up. Suki heads to let her in.
"Hi," Eve says, stepping over the threshold. "Something smells amazing."
"Thanks," she says, watching as she shrugs off her jacket, enjoying the dapper attire she's wearing—she looks so ridiculously good in form-fitting jeans and a crisp-white shirt, offset perfectly with one of those sharp blazers with the sleeves rolled to the elbows, exposing the muscles in her forearms.
Eve presents her with flowers and wine as if she's a deity. "I picked these up from Walford's finest mart."
Suki takes them with a smile. The bouquet is a cheery splash of colour in her home of muted colours, and they smell heavenly. "It's good to see you have impeccable taste in that, at least."
Eve leans in to brush a kiss against her cheek. "As does the mart's owner, having the hots for a total babe like me."
Suki swats at her, unable to mask her grin. "Make yourself useful and put these in water. I'm just dishing up."
"You know what you ordering me around does to me," Eve says, sauntering further into the room. "You look absolutely incredible, by the way. I don't know how I'm gonna concentrate while we eat, though. And I'm not sure how appropriate my thoughts are for a civilised date. Probably more suited to a drunken night in Bradford."
Suki ducks her head to hide her smirk. That's exactly the reaction she'd been hoping for. "Well, if you manage to keep your hands to yourself through dinner, we'll see what dessert brings."
"Mmm, I like the sound of that," Eve hums, strolling back over after depositing the flowers and wine onto the counter, and ringing her arms around her waist. She brings her mouth down on Suki's for their greeting kiss, and Suki allows a long, long moment to pass before pushing her away reluctantly. If she lets Eve kiss her like that for much longer, dinner will be forgotten entirely.
"Later," she breathes, unable to resist leaning up to place one last kiss against her lover's mouth.
"Oh, you are one cruel mistress," says Eve, but lets her slip away and moves to hunt down a vase for the flowers.
Dinner is an enjoyable affair. They share conversation and laughter over candlelight and, on the pretence of reaching for the bottle of wine, Eve takes the opportunity to catch hold of her hand. She feels like a teenager in the first flushes of love all over again as their fingers twine together.
It's unbelievable. A couple of years ago she was proud to be seen as a frozen tundra, a cold, unforgiving landscape uninhabitable to others. Now all of that ice has melted away in the warmth of Eve's cheeky smile and twinkling eyes.
They maintain eye contact now, and heat floods Suki's cheeks and fizzes through her veins, right to the pit of her stomach at the desire in Eve's look. When Eve's gaze flickers down to her mouth and her tongue moistens her own bottom lip with blatant longing, Suki has half a mind to suggest that they abandon the remains of their dinner for the pleasures of the bedroom.
But no. She has more self-restraint than that. And the anticipation will make it all the more incredible when the tension reaches its boiling point.
When dinner is done, she stands to clear the dirty dishes.
"No, let me," Eve protests, but Suki waves it away.
"It's fine," she says. "Go and make yourself comfortable. I'll be with you soon. Besides, you know you never load the dishwasher to my exacting standards."
Eve snorts, downing the rest of her wine and refilling the glass. "Keep up that kind of dirty talk and you know I won't be able to resist."
She takes her wine glass over to the sofa and Suki busies herself with collecting their used cutlery, finding a strange peace in the domestic act of clearing up whilst someone she loves relaxes on the sofa. It's something she never enjoyed with Nish. He would never offer to help, seeing the kitchen as a woman's domain. But there's a quiet domesticity to this scene, one that she's never had before, one that she finds that she's enjoying more and more as the months pass.
That sense of serenity is punctured slightly, however, when she pauses at the kitchen island, looking over at her lover.
Eve had fallen silent when she moved into the sitting area, but it no longer seems the peaceful kind born of contentment. Her expression is contemplative. Preoccupied. She swills the contents of her wineglass with an almost mindless automation, eyes unfocused, lost in thought over something that she cannot see. All signs of laughter and joy have fled from her countenance, leaving behind a nervous kind of dourness.
Suki hates seeing her like this. Hates not knowing even more.
She makes the decision then and there as Eve heaves a weary sigh, tipping her head back against the back of the sofa.
She has to know. Whatever it is, however painful it might be.
She finishes tidying the kitchen, keeping one eye on Eve as she does so. Her lover doesn't seem to notice the scrutiny, too preoccupied with her own thoughts. She grabs her own glass of wine, filling it to the brim to fortify her against the potentially difficult conversation to come, and heads over to join her.
"You okay?" she says as she lowers herself to the sofa beside her.
Eve cracks open an eye, wary and guarded. "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know. You just seem…distracted."
"Distracted by how gorgeous you are," Eve jokes, but it falls flat with the slightly defensive edge to her tone. "Come here."
She opens her arm, an invitation for Suki to settle against her side and rest her head on her shoulder. Under ordinary circumstances she wouldn't've hesitated, for there's little she enjoys more than being close to her, relaxing with the rise and fall of her lover's breathing, breathing in the comforting aroma of her perfume, moulding to the familiar lines of her body.
But today it's a ploy. To deflect her. To make her drop that line of questioning.
She had twenty long years alone of seeing that tactic in her kids. And she's dogged in her pursuit.
"I know there's something troubling you," she says. "And if that's the case, maybe there's something I can do to help. Is someone giving you a hard time?"
That raises a smile. "Nah, it's nothing like that. But I'm grateful that I've got you by my side to stick up for me."
"Look, I know I've not always been the best at being open with you. I know how frustrating that was for you when all you wanted was to help me. And I understand if you feel like there's something that you have to handle alone. It was something I had to unlearn, because it's what I had to do for so long. But we're past all of that now. We're here together, out in the open, a proper couple. There's no need for secrets now. Whatever it is, we can face it together."
"When did you get to be so wise about matters of the heart?" Eve murmurs with a tired smile.
"Hey, I may have been a 'repressed ice queen' but I'm not stupid. I do know that a problem shared is a problem halved."
Eve chuckles wearily, holding up her hands. "Sorry, didn't mean to offend."
"I'm not offended. But I know delaying tactics when I see them. So spit it out."
For long moments, Eve says nothing. Suki waits, knowing that it's best not to push, to make her shut back down, taking a sip of her wine to give herself something to do.
It's hard. The suspense is unbearable.
"I've been thinking of…of getting a divorce," Eve says at last, staring into the depths of her wine as if she'll find the answer to world peace in its scarlet depths.
Of all the things she'd been expecting her to say, that was the last. Suki sets her own wine glass down a little shakily, and wine sloshes over the side and onto the coffee table. Normally she'd hurry to mop it up, but today she ignores it, turning instead so that she can face Eve properly. "What?"
Eve shrugs, avoiding her eye. "It's just a thought, I've not mentioned it to Stacey yet. But it makes sense."
Suki doesn't say anything for a moment, letting the bombshell settle. "So…so that's why you've been so quiet these last few weeks?"
She doesn't know what to think. For as long as she's known her, Eve has been married to Stacey. She's never even taken off her wedding ring. A part of her has always believed that this is simply the way things will be, that Eve and Stacey will just remain as they are. It rarely crosses her mind.
But clearly it's been playing on Eve's.
She plays with her wedding ring now, takes a deep breath before continuing. "It was never going to last forever, was it? It was only ever for convenience, we both knew that there'd be a day when we met other people and wanted to build lives with them. Stace is my best mate and she did a massively amazing thing for me by marrying me and giving me a place to live so I could get out on probation, but she's happy with Kheerat. She told me that she can't remember the last time she was as happy as she is with him. And when I see them together I think the same is true for him."
"It is," Suki concedes. As much as she'd hated the thought of her son getting himself caught up in all the baggage that Stacey Slater brought, she can't deny that she's never seen him so relaxed and at ease with himself. He runs their businesses with a smile on his face and a spring in his step, no longer weighed down solely with the responsibilities of being the man of the house. And that's all she's ever wanted for her children. For them to be safe. For them to be happy. She doesn't want them to hold the same old prejudices that have plagued her family for years. It's something she's worked so hard on herself.
Which is exactly why she can't really have an opinion on it, or she'd be branded a hypocrite. After all, she's in love with a proud honorary Slater.
"So it might be that one day Kheerat wants to propose, but that's sort of complicated a bit if Stacey is still a married woman," Eve continues. "And I also didn't want him to think that he couldn't take that step if he wanted, or that Stacey felt obliged to say no because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. And I know if they ever did decide to think about having a kid together in the future, Kheerat would want to be married for that. So I was thinking…why wait for the inevitable?"
Everything she says is true. Kheerat and her other children had such unstable backgrounds growing up, and only one parent they could rely on to put food on the table. Being married doesn't mean that the father would be a good one, as Kheerat well knows with Nish. He had to grow up too fast, took on far more responsibility than a child of that age ever ought to have the burden of. But it's what would make him a naturally good protector of another small life. He's great with Stacey's other kids, but Suki knows he would love one of his own at some point.
And he would be determined to give his own child the stable father figure that they deserved, which had been so lacking in his own. Marriage isn't always the answer, but she knows that it would bring him comfort, be a sign for himself that there is stability there, that the family unit doesn't have to be broken.
"They are quite serious," Suki concedes. "And I know that Kheerat does want a wife someday." She smiles slightly. "One of his own choosing, as he's made abundantly clear." And if that wife is Stacey Slater…well, so be it. Maybe she isn't as bad as she'd initially thought. And she does grudgingly admire a strong woman who is prepared to stand up for her rights.
"Exactly." Eve shakes her head, takes another fortifying gulp of wine. "And I thought now would be a pretty good time to broach the subject with Stace, maybe get the ball rolling. But then I didn't want her to think I was being presumptuous about her life, and…I dunno." She throws up her hands, rolling her eyes. "Who knew a sham marriage could be so complicated!"
"I don't think Stacey would think that," says Suki. "She knows that you're just looking out for her, that you just want what's best for her."
"Maybe," Eve sighs. "But I can't pretend that it's all selfless, either."
Suki's heart speeds up in her chest. Does that mean what she thinks it might?
But Eve doesn't answer her silent assumption, steering the conversation into slightly safer territory. "I've had stability for a while now, I could probably find something small not too far away if they needed me to move out. Might be good for me to have a bit of space, anyway, the house is always so full with people coming and going. Hard to get some proper time alone, isn't it, when someone could barge in at any minute."
Suki blushes, remembering back to one such occasion when Eve had cleared out the whole Slater house so they could have an evening to themselves.
Eve had been adamant that she wanted to cook and return the favour, since it was something Suki usually ended up doing, having her own house. It hadn't been up to all that much—Eve had jokingly lamented that microwave meals as a busy solicitor and a stretch in prison hadn't been all that educational in honing her skills—but the company had more than made up for it, and it had been exciting, spending time together away from the comfortable surroundings of number forty-one.
Eve had certainly seemed to think so too—when they had taken their wine through to the living room, she had been on her almost immediately, nuzzling kisses into her neck, resting her hand flirtatiously on her thigh.
"It's like sneaking a girl home whilst the parents are out," she'd said in response to Suki's questioning eyebrow.
"Did that a lot, did you?"
"That would be telling, wouldn't it? If you want the answer to that question you're gonna have to do a whole lot of persuading."
Suki had smirked, tossing her hair back. "Oh, please. At least give me a challenge."
"Oi!" Eve had clutched at her chest, pretending to be wounded. "I'm not easy!"
And had failed to show the validity of that statement in any capacity. It was what teenagers must have felt like in all those stupid films that her kids had been obsessed with in their younger years, the thrill of the endless possibilities when they found themselves home alone.
Electricity had coursed through her every time Eve had suckled and kissed her neck, her hands teasing her purposefully over her layers of clothing; she'd shivered in desire at the sound that Eve made when she kissed her way up from that strong jawline to nip at her earlobe. Things were certainly getting hot and heavy on the Slater sofa.
Until Lily had barged in on them with the entitlement of a teenager, back early from whatever rendezvous Eve had bribed her with, and interrupted them with Eve's hand up the back of her shirt, midway through the expert unhooking of her bra.
"Oh." Lily had blinked, chewing her gum harder in the only show of her embarrassment. "Just wanted to watch some telly. Guess I'll just head upstairs. Is there any ice cream in the freezer?"
Eve had tried to appear unruffled, pushing her mussed up hair away from her face. "Don't think so. But tell you what, I'll give you a tenner if you scram across to the Minute Mart for ten minutes to get some for yourself."
Lily's eyes had lit up at the prospect of free money and she'd dashed across the room to dig through Eve's wallet like a rabbit underground. When she'd found the holy grail she scarpered from the room with nary a glance back, slamming the front door behind her. The interruption had rather doused water on the flames, however.
"At least she didn't catch us in bed together," Eve had joked afterwards as they'd tried to make themselves presentable again. "Stacey might have killed me then."
"I should go," Suki had said, checking her watch. "I don't trust us around each other now even if Lily is only upstairs."
"I wish you could stay," Eve had said wistfully, following her to the front door. "But you're right. How about I come over to you tomorrow and we can finish what we started?" She'd leaned in to give her a long, lingering kiss that did nothing to help the simmering heat between Suki's thighs.
Suki had bitten at her bottom lip, a teasing gesture that had made her lover moan and her fingers dig tighter into her hips. "Play your cards right and we'll see."
Eve had groaned. "You don't play fair. I hope you realise I'm going to be in a host of misery all night now."
"Maybe you can text me about it later when everyone else is in bed."
"Suki Panesar, you'll be the death of me."
"I hope not. I've had to worry about that enough in the few years."
That had raised a smile. It was odd, that they could joke about something that had seemed so terrifying at the time. But Nish was long gone, and would never darken their lives again. She'd proven him wrong in the end, that she wasn't a helpless, delicate china doll. No, she was a fierce warrior, carved in stone: he'd made her so by murdering someone; he'd created his own downfall without even realising it, and she'd been more powerful than ever with Eve by her side.
They'd kissed each other one more time, a promise of things to come, and then Suki had reluctantly opened the door to head home.
Stacey and Kheerat had arrived back just as she'd been leaving, not even bothering to mask their smirks as she'd marched past them with dishevelled hair and slightly rumpled clothing. It was hard to stay dignified with a prominent love bite displayed for everyone to see. She'd had to wear turtlenecks for a week straight.
In the present, Eve stretches, breaking the tension with her customary wit.
"Also, you know, I'm pretty sure I could dig into the law and find a hundred bylaws about how unethical it is to sleep with your tenant, so I think if I moved out of the Slaters it would save you a whole lot of pain in the long-run."
"Why, are you planning on suing me for coercion?" Suki jokes, then sobers. "So this is what you didn't want to tell me? You've been brooding over it for weeks in silence instead of just coming out with it?"
"Well, yeah. It might be a sham but it's still a pretty massive decision to make."
"And here you are doing this all by yourself. I don't envy you when you tell Stacey. That girl is a force to be reckoned with."
"She is."
"Well, it was a silly choice. I thought you would have seen how well that goes for people when you had to stand by watching me do that for all those months. You preached about the importance of honesty every time you saw me."
"I know, I know, I should take my own advice. Like you did," Eve adds teasingly.
"Hey, I got there eventually, didn't I?"
"You did." Eve's expression softens, and she leans across to press a kiss to her cheek before pulling away, sober once more. "But I was also worried about how you might take it."
Suki frowns, her heartrate increasing. She has a feeling she knows where this is going. "What do you mean?"
Eve combs her fingers through her hair, agitated. "I didn't want to tell you in case you panicked and thought that it meant that I wanted to ask you to marry me instead."
And there it is. The thought that had crossed her mind, but not in a blind panic. A wave of mild anxiety, maybe. But nothing more than that. She's doing her best to unlearn old, bad ways of thinking. She can see how uncharacteristically nervous Eve is, and she's determined not to add to that. "I don't think that. It's not going to make me bolt, don't worry."
"Good. It doesn't have to mean anything. It's just kind of…for my own peace of mind, you know?" Eve huffs, rolling her eyes. "I'm probably not making any sense."
Suki reaches out and rests her hands on top of her lover's, giving them a reassuring squeeze. "It's okay. You can talk to me."
Eve seems to be galvanised by the touch. "Look, it's not a secret anymore. Whether I'm married or not, the only person I want is you. Everyone round here might know that Stacey and I are just married for appearance's sake, but I don't want to go further afield and for people to think that you're my sidepiece or whatever. You're not some dirty little secret. You're the woman I love, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's not a proposal or anything like that. I know you're not ready for that kind of step, or that you might never be ready for it. And that's okay. We've got all the time in the world for discussions about that kind of stuff, if that's the path we want to take or if it's not right for us. But regardless of what happens in the future, I want to be free for the possibilities. I still have friends in Bradford. I don't want them to think that we're having some sordid affair, because it's not like that. It's never been like that for me. You're not just a bit of fun, a challenge to see if I could get you into bed."
"I know," she soothes her. "And as much as I might have pretended at the time, you were never just an experiment, a curiosity for me to explore my sexuality with. You never left me cold."
She'd said those words to hurt her, to break her heart and save her from a horrible fate. But Eve had persisted anyway, stubborn and loyal to a fault, and she doesn't think that Eve had ever believed her anyway, because it had been so painfully obvious to the both of them that she had been ignited by their connection, that she caught fire whenever they were together, that all she wanted was to be consumed by those flames and burn in the ecstasy of their connection. It was the fear of what Nish would do that had left her icy and dead inside, desperate to do whatever she could to protect the woman she had fallen in love with.
Eve squeezes her hand, a silent acceptance of the unsaid apology, an admission that she understood why she'd done what she did, a reminder that none of that mattered anymore because she was free of her monstrous husband and free to live the life that had always been denied to her.
"That's the point, isn't it?" Eve says now. "We both know that we're committed to each other. I want the option to be open for Stacey and Kheerat, and for us too. So I think it would be best for all four of us if we went through with the divorce now and I moved out to some little bedsit not far away."
She's always felt a sense of security, of safety, knowing that Eve is just across the square, that she could pick up the phone anytime and Eve would be with her in a matter of minutes. As terrifying as it had been for her at times, with Nish prowling about the square with his usual entitled arrogance, as if he owned every inch of it, as much as she'd wanted Eve as far away from them as possible for her own safety, she had never quite managed to stop her heart from leaping in her chest whenever she had caught sight of her across the square, the aching longing that welled up inside her every time their paths crossed.
Somehow, though they weren't together, just a glimpse of her had given her the strength and courage that had been drained out of her like a parasitic leech gorging itself on her sense of identity.
She took comfort in the fact that Eve was still there, that she might be unobtainable, that it might be torture for the both of them, but as long as she was living there at the Slater home, there was that tiny flicker of hope that she wasn't completely alone in her suffering. That she had one friend in all of this mess who cared about what happened to her.
Nish is gone. She has nothing to fear. She is free. Free to live her life how she wants.
She knows what she wants.
And, once again, is brave enough to reach out and take it.
Suki takes a deep breath. Her heart hammers in her chest. She's never been one for spontaneity, not before Eve. She was known for having a will of iron, a spine of steel, refusing to yield or be thrown off from her chartered course.
That's the past. She wants the future.
"Why…why don't you move in here? With me?"
Eve's intake of breath is sharp. Words seem to desert her for a moment; she opens her mouth and nothing comes out. She shakes her head, tries again. "Are…are you serious?"
Her own breath comes in a shaky exhale. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."
Eve lets out a disbelieving laugh. "Holy shit, I can't believe you just asked me that!"
She can't quite believe it herself. It's another huge step forward, one she hadn't even been sure she'd be able to make. After Nish's incarceration, she'd spent twenty years living alone with just her children. She's been so used to having her own space; with Nish still hanging over her like a dark cloud, there had never been any opportunity to even contemplate sharing her life with someone else.
Now that he's gone, the idea of cohabiting with someone she loves is exciting. Exhilarating. It's learning someone on a whole new intimate level that goes even beyond baring the naked body. It's discovering idiosyncrasies, navigating infuriating habits, learning to allow the little bubble to grow to accommodate someone else's needs. It's one of the most exciting steps that can be taken in life, one that she's heard others giddily exult about whilst she's had to remain stagnant in a past life that had been impressed upon her by others.
In her fifties, she has the opportunity to discover all of that for the very first time.
"Logistically it makes sense. There's plenty of space here. Now that the kids have moved out I'm just rattling about in it on my own. You're already over here half the time anyway." She gives a self-conscious shrug. "It would be nice to have something a bit more permanent, wouldn't it?"
"I've never really had a permanent home with someone before," Eve admits. "Plenty of my previous girlfriends were into the sneaking around thing, I was lucky if I ever stayed the night somewhere that wasn't a hotel room. I had my own place when I was a solicitor, of course, but no one ever moved in with me there. They weren't ready for that kind of commitment, or they had husbands and boyfriends to crawl home to." Eve shakes her head, bitterness lacing her tone. "It's beyond pathetic that the first place that I had a steady routine was prison. Living with Stacey now is a bit different, it's like crashing with a mate. It's not the same as living with someone you wanna wake up next to every single day."
Suki gives a watery chuckle. "I've only ever lived with my murderous ex-husband. We can learn how to do this together."
"Then let me speak to Stacey," Eve says. "I'll talk to her tomorrow, see what she says. And if she's on board with the plan, I can…start getting my stuff together. I don't own much. But if this is something you want, I could move in in the next couple of weeks. As long as it is something that you want, and it isn't too soon. I don't want to push you into feeling like you have to offer up your home just because I mentioned thinking about moving out. I won't be offended or hurt if you'd rather I got a place elsewhere. I mean, I've got to be honest, I can be a bit of a slob sometimes. Stacey complains I'm worse than the kids for leaving dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom instead of putting them in the laundry hamper."
Eve's attempts to lighten the mood have the desired effect; it's like an electric connection between them. Whenever they're together, no matter how low or anxious she might be feeling, it's inevitable that Eve will find a way to make her smile.
"Oh, well, that changes everything," she says. "I run a very tight ship here. Everything has its proper place."
"And yet here you are, breaking your own rule about coasters," Eve points out. "And you've made a mess that you haven't cleaned up yet."
"That's because you took me by surprise. Confessing you want to divorce your wife is a pretty big deal, you know."
"That's all your fault, babe," Eve jokes. "If you hadn't been so utterly irresistible to me, I wouldn't have broken my wedding vows. I would have been Stacey's poor cuckolded wife."
They laugh together at the absurdity of it all, Suki moving to lean her head against her lover's shoulder as Eve's arm comes up around her own to bring her closer to her side. After a few moments, however, she sobers, pulling away. Eve cocks a questioning eyebrow at her. Suki reaches to twine their hands together, but averts her gaze to the coffee table and the spilled red wine.
"Look, I want to be honest with you," she says. "I don't want to give you any illusions that this might ever be more than that. That just because I've asked you to move in with me, it's going to naturally progress to the next stage."
"I know that," Eve reassures her, squeezing her hand. "I come into this with no expectations whatsoever. The fact that you've even asked me to move in is gonna keep me chuffed for the next decade or so."
But Suki is determined to say her piece. She's spent too many years not being honest with herself about her own identity and feelings. It can be a trial at times, but she's so determined not to let those old habits get in the way of the best relationship she's ever had.
"I don't know about marriage, it's too soon to make a decision about that. It's not that I'm saying that I won't ever consider it. But I don't want to go jumping into something without giving it proper consideration. If I'm completely honest with you…it's not something I've ever thought about with another woman. And I know that that's all my internalised homophobia talking, I know there's nothing wrong with two women who love each other getting married…but I don't know if it would feel right for me. If I would have to fight my way through the drudgery of all that old guilt again. I don't know if I have the strength for it."
"You're the strongest person I know," Eve reiterates. "But it's your call. Everything we do, we do at your pace. And you have nothing to worry about. Marriage is a wonderful thing in its own right but at the end of the day it's just a bit of paper. It's not essential for happiness, we both know that. I understand how you feel. It's a lot to get your head around. I've had years to accept that I am who I am, to be proud of that. You've come so far already. I was prepared to wait for as long as it took for you to be comfortable with being out in the open about us being together. I'm sure I can wait a few years while we decide if that's the right path for us to take. There's no pressure on you whatsoever to do something you don't want to do. All that matters is that we're together."
She wonders if Eve will ever truly be happy with that. She knows she's a huge advocate for their community, doubtless fought for the legalisation of gay marriage. If this is all she can ever offer her, will it truly be enough? Or will she feel like she is missing out on the joys of what marriage can bring, lament that the only experience she ever had with the sacred institution was one of convenience and not love?
Does she want that for herself?
Eve brings her out of her musings by wrapping her arm around her shoulder again and bringing her closer to her side. Suki turns her head slightly to look at her. Finds that her breath gets stuck in her throat at the sight of the smile that stretches across her lover's face, and the shimmer of tears in her eyes.
And she knows then that she's silly to doubt, that what they have is real and strong and built to last, because they've already withstood so many tests that would have shattered anyone else.
Eve kisses her, long and slow, until she's breathless and trembling, a fevered need burning in her blood.
"Come on," she says, standing up and tugging at her hand. "I think we've done enough talking for one evening."
Eve smirks, rising too. She steps closer, and Suki has to tip her head back slightly to look up into her face, unable to stop the breath that stutters from her when Eve runs her thumb over her cheekbone. "I think you're right."
And with that she kisses her again, hungry, powerful, her hand sliding to cup the back of her neck and angle her face further up towards her.
"Bedroom," Suki murmurs. "Now."
"You know how much I like it when you order me around," Eve husks in her ear.
"You haven't seen anything yet."
"Oh, Suki Panesar, you know exactly what to say to get me all hot and bothered." She tugs on her hips, bringing her closer, her smile deepening into something teasing and erotic. "Never thought I'd see the day when you left a mess to tidy up later, though. Unless it's clothes on the bedroom floor, but that's a different story entirely."
Suki gives her a gentle shove. "It doesn't stretch that far. You head on through, I'll be with you in a minute."
"As long as you don't keep me waiting long. I might spontaneously combust from want."
Suki suppresses a shudder of her own with great difficulty; it won't do to back out of her undertaking that quickly, or she'll never hear the end of it. "Won't be long, I promise."
Eve leaves her with one last kiss, and Suki sets about tidying away their glasses and the half-empty bottle of wine, soaking up the residue wine from the coffee table. It's left a distinct red stain, like blood. At one time it might have evoked all manner of horrific memories, like Ranveer's lifeless body and everything that spiralled so helplessly out of control after that, but she's so happy now that those old, dark memories struggle to survive in the new light she has.
Once she's satisfied that everything is in order, she switches off the lights and heads to the bedroom, giddy anticipation swirling in her stomach, invigorated with the possibilities that will be opened to them going forward.
She stops short in the doorway. Eve is bending over her dresser; she's so absorbed that she hasn't heard her approach.
"What are you doing?" Suki asks, alerting her lover to her presence, watching as Eve moves aside to reveal the lit candles.
"What's it look like? I'm setting the mood," says Eve, shaking the match in the air to extinguish it. She sets it down and then turns on her heel, hands on her hips, surveying her handiwork, evidently pleased by her efforts. Suki takes a moment to admire those toned forearms beneath the sleeves that are rolled up to her elbows. "This is gonna be our bed one day very soon. I think we ought to Christen it as such. Candles are romantic. You know, all those dancing shadows and heady scents really help to set the mood. And we've got lots to celebrate."
Suki folds her arms across her chest, leaning against the doorframe. "You know, I already think of the bed as ours."
The soft admittance comes unbidden, taking her as much by surprise as it does Eve. These unguarded confessions never came easily to her, not after the years of building up her walls and putting on an unfeeling front, and though Eve melts her icy veneer effortlessly, she's still growing accustomed to revealing the things on her mind. But she's getting better at it with every passing day. This is the warmth and softness she has always craved.
Eve never makes her feel weak and foolish for her softness, either. She saunters up to her now, sincere beneath the jaunty cockiness, slipping her hand into hers. "Honestly? That means the world to me. It really does."
"Yeah, well, don't go spreading it around. You're the only one who's allowed to know that I have a chink in my armour."
"Hot, butch lesbians? Babe, everyone already knows that. And luckily there aren't many of those round here. I don't need the competition."
"Don' fancy your chances?" she teases.
Eve leads her over to the bed, laying herself down and pulling Suki on top of her. Suki doesn't even have the chance to brace her palms against the mattress before Eve rolls them over, her weight heavy and pleasing above her. "Actually, I'd back myself any time. I know you better than anyone. What we have is fairy dust. I know what makes you tick and I know how to handle you when you're being a difficult sod."
"Keep compliments like that coming and I might have to rethink that offer."
"Yeah, right. You might not want to admit it, but I know you're as excited about this as I am."
Suki arches an eyebrow, unable to mask her grin, or refute the statement. Because she is. She's never had a home that she wants to share with someone she loves before, the domesticity of their toothbrushes in the same holder, Eve's products jumbled in with her own in the bathroom, stray items of clothing getting in the wrong drawers. But will she admit it aloud? Not just yet. Teasing Eve is far more fun. "You're like a little kid at Christmas."
"Course I am! This is amazing. It's gonna be our home. I hope you're gonna let me choose a bedspread."
"With your tacky taste? I don't think so."
Eve leans over her on her elbows, grin so bright and unguarded that it almost brings tears to her eyes. "I'll have you know that sunshine yellow is very in vogue right now."
"With children, maybe."
"Well, I have spent the last few years living with Hope and Arthur. They're bound to have rubbed off on me."
"That's just an excuse. I've seen what you wear sometimes."
"And I've seen you stealing some of those things to wear yourself," Eve says, running an idle finger down her throat, teasingly close to her cleavage. "You know, slow, sleepy Sunday mornings, you wearing my discarded shirt from the night before whilst you make us breakfast…Don't pretend you're above stealing your girlfriend's clothes to wear because you like to have me close."
"Oh, shut up," she says, and silences her by pulling her down and kissing her, mouth opening wide, tongue stroking teasingly, lips curling into a smile when she hears Eve's muffled grunt and feels the hands that tangle tight in her curls.
All thoughts of verbal banter are put aside for the much more pleasurable pursuits of exploring the familiar planes of each other's bodies, the jibes evolving into murmured affections and breathy moans as the ecstasy mounts higher and higher, until it reaches its crescendo, crashing over them in waves, and all Suki can do is wrap herself around her lover and let those feelings sweep her away.
Afterwards, when they're lying tangled together in a satisfied afterglow, Suki closes her eyes, relishing the press of Eve's soft, naked body against her own, the strong arm draped over her waist, the tender nuzzling against her neck. She reaches out to find Eve's hand with both of hers, linking their fingers together, moving to rub her thumb thoughtfully over the gold wedding band with the other. The ring that Stacey Slater put there, the seal on their sham marriage that, hilariously, Eve has always honoured despite them both pursuing their own happiness within the Panesar family.
Maybe one day, in the distant future, Eve will have a different one there, one that they picked out together, one that Suki herself slid onto her finger after saying those two words which would bind them together body, heart, and soul.
She'd taken her own off years ago; Nish's had felt as heavy as an albatross around her neck, a constant, burning reminder of what she was supposed to be and what she was not. A heavy circlet of lies and deceit that burned her skin whenever she dared to touch it.
Eve's ring would be different, of that she is sure. And hers would be different for Eve, too. No longer a symbol of convenience, but one she would honour and never take lightly. An outward sign of their love and commitment for each other.
It's a beautiful, calming thought.
She doesn't know what the future holds for them. But, as she lies there in Eve's arms, safe and content and loved, Suki knows that now that she has the life that she was never brave enough to dream of, anything is possible.
Even marriage to the woman she loves.