LUCY'S NEW WORDS

By Zak

DISCLAIMER: The Peanuts characters are trademarks of Charles M. Schulz Creative Associates and DHX/WildBrain. This is simply a work of fan fiction, with a few brief bits adapted from Charles M. Schulz's classic comic strip.

At the Van Pelt house, Lucy Van Pelt had been watching some HBO on TV when her parents weren't around (and they rarely were, to begin with). Among hearing some interesting words from watching a movie about high school teenagers, along with a few such words she'd occasionally hear her parents say, she smiled with an idea.

Sometime later outside, Lucy approached Charlie Brown with a sinister smirk on her face. Charlie sighed and said, "Let me guess, you feel like calling me a blockhead again, right?"

"Not necessarily… you fucking shithead!" Lucy replied.

"AAAAAAAAAUGH!" Charlie Brown yelled. He couldn't believe Lucy just called him that. Lucy walked off with a triumphant smile as Charlie felt even more miserable than he usually would after one of Lucy's put-downs.

…

A little later, Lucy had met up with Violet Gray and Patty, and told them about the new words she called Charlie Brown and how they offended him even more than usual. The three girls twittered at this.

"You know any more of these strong words that you learned from that movie?" Violet asked.

"I sure do," Lucy said, and she began whispering a few of them to Violet and Patty.

Meanwhile, Charlie Brown was walking with his head lowered glumly lowered, as usual, until Lucy's younger brother Linus Van Pelt greeted him, holding his security blanket as per usual. "Hi, Charlie Brown," Linus greeted, before noticing Charlie's face. "You look worse than before," he added. "What's wrong?"

"Your sister said something very offensive to me," Charlie explained, "something that I've never heard her say before."

"What did she say, Charlie Brown?" Linus asked.

Charlie Brown whispered the swear words Lucy called him into his ear, "She called me a fucking shithead."

"Good grief!" Linus gasped as his hair stood up in shock. "Lucy actually said THAT?!"

"She did," Charlie replied with a glum nod.

"But grown-ups don't like it when kids say swear words!" Linus explained.

"Tell that to your sister," Charlie said.

"I think I will!" Linus replied, now looking angry, as he started off to find Lucy…

…

It didn't take long for Linus to find his older sister Lucy hanging with Patty and Violet. He pointed at Lucy and accused, "Charlie Brown told me that you swore at him! Is that true?"

"Maybe," Lucy said in a mockingly coy fashion.

Violet chuckled and added, "Look at that little fucking baby and his god damn blanket!"

Linus let out a loud shocked gulp among hearing that.

"Yeah," Patty teased. "You immature little faggot!"

Linus was able to muster up some courage to yell at them, "You cut that out right now! Kids shouldn't be swearing!"

"Says who?" Lucy asked, teasingly swaying her hips with her fists.

"Says…" Linus started, but then he needed to think.

The girls laughed. "The little bastard thinks that someone says kids shouldn't swear!" Lucy told Violet and Patty.

Linus let out a furious growl and stormed off, to which the girls cackled some more.

…

Things didn't improve during that day. Lucy, Violet, and Patty went on to also call Sally, Shermy, Freida, Peppermint Patty, Marcie, Franklin and "5" the swear words they had learned.

After a while, Charlie Brown and Linus found Lucy cussing off "Pig-Pen". Lucy was saying, "'Pig-Pen', you're such a filthy fuck that when you walk down the street, everybody will say 'Damn, there goes a filthy fuck!'"

"Pig-Pen" actually ran home crying among hearing that, as Lucy gave yet another accomplished smile.

"Lucy!" Linus angrily shouted. "You can't keep going around and swearing at everyone! Not only is it the meanest thing you've done yet, but you'll be sorry if any grown-ups catch you saying those words!"

"Listen, you little asshole," Lucy snarled as she threateningly grabbed Linus's shirt collar. "I've had enough of your philosophy shit, because I now have the power to rule the neighborhood over you stupid fucks!"

"Yeah, unless someone else calls you them, you fucking bitch!" Linus yelled back. But then he gasped in horror, realizing what he just called his sister.

Now looking angry and upset, Lucy ran for home calling "MOM! MOM! LINUS SWORE AT ME!"

Linus followed, calling "MOM! MOM! LUCY'S BEEN SWEARING!"

Knowing that Lucy had just gotten a taste of her own medicine, Charlie Brown called out to her, "That's for years of humiliation, bitch!" He then gasped and put his hands over his mouth, saying in shock, "Good grief!" Realizing what he had just did, Charlie began walking home with one of his usual miserable looks.

Violet and Patty saw this and cackled to themselves. "Can you believe that?" Violet said to her friend. "When Charlie Brown says a swear word, he manages to offend himself!" She continued laughing.

…

That evening, Charlie Brown was talking with Linus on the phone. Linus was saying, "…and so Lucy and I have been grounded for the weekend. We also can't watch TV for a week, and our mom washed our mouths out with soap. Blech!"

"I guess that means you and Lucy won't be swearing anymore," Charlie commented.

"That's for sure," Linus said.

"How's Lucy taking it?" Charlie asked.

But he could make out Lucy yelling from another room over the phone, "IT'S NOT FAIR! IF THEY'RE OFFENSIVE WORDS, WHY IS IT THAT GROWN-UPS CAN SWEAR BUT US KIDS CAN'T?!"

"Does that answer your question?" Linus asked. "Our parents told us that swear words pretty much only exist to hurt people's feelings and that kids shouldn't be saying them. Lucy tried to retaliate by saying she's heard our parents swearing as well, but they just said that the point was that those words are not nice for anyone to say at all."

"Yes," Charlie replied. "I suppose once we become grown-ups, we'll understand."

"Yes, Charlie Brown," Linus said. "I shouldn't be on the phone for very long; otherwise I might get in trouble with my parents again. Goodbye." And he hung up after Charlie Brown bid him farewell.

Linus heard Lucy hollering from her room, "HOW COME GRAMMA NEVER WASHES MOM'S MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP WHEN SHE SWEARS?! MAYBE I SHOULD TELL HER TO DO THAT THE NEXT TIME SHE VISITS! THAT'LL TEACH OUR MOM!"

"I can't stand it," Linus groaned to himself. "I just can't stand it."

END