A/N: Unless you've watched the episode recently, I suggest rewatching the scene in their bed, as well as the scene before hand when they are talking at the dining room table.
This scene has always bothered me, so I finally got around to writing it the way I wish it would have gone. This is a conversation between two emotionally mature adults who've been together for ten years and *already* know that sex does not have to be goal oriented.
Focus. Stef took a deep breath, willing it to clear her distracted mind as she exhaled. She focused on the heat of Lena's mouth, and her fingers gripping the backs of her thighs, and the warm, pleasant tingle beginning to spread up her abdomen, and... six years! How do you go six years without having sex with your wife? The harder she tried to stop thinking about it, the more she thought about it, and after another minute, when the pleasant tingle halted then slowly dissipated, she gave up and let herself sink down into the mattress.
Lena lifted her head, concern in her eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I just... I don't know. Can't get there?"
Lena pulled herself up onto her knees. "I wasn't hurting you, was I?"
"No, love. You were doing everything right. It just... wasn't working," she shrugged.
"Do you want to try something else? A different position or—?"
Stef looked appreciative, but shook her head. "I think I'm too much in my own head at this point. It's fine."
Lena tipped her head to one side. "You sure?"
"Absolutely." She nodded, offering a warm smile for reassurance.
Lena dropped a kiss onto one of Stef's knees and then they both shimmied under the sheet as Lena laid down beside her. Stef turned to face her, gliding her hand up her thigh and over her hip.
"We don't have to stop, y'know?"
"…Really?"
"Mhmm." Stef's voice rumbled deep in her throat as her hand inched higher.
When Lena spoke, her words were thin and breathy, her head already feeling a little fuzzy. "Because we don't have to if you're not feeling it."
"I don't know about it," Stef said, leaning closer so her lips almost brushed Lena's, "but I'm certainly feeling you." She grinned as she captured Lena's lips, and was eagerly received.
As Stef's hand reached her breast, cupping it while she rolled her nipple beneath her thumb, Lena sighed into their kiss. She felt like she could float away so she rolled onto her back, pulling Stef on top of her, anchoring her to earth.
When Lena pushed her hips up against her, Stef slipped her hand back down beneath the sheet. With the lightest touch to her thighs, Lena spread her legs, and although she wasn't expecting her to be ready quite so quickly, that was all the invitation Stef needed. She used the arm beneath Lena to lift her shoulders, exposing her neck so she could draw her tongue across it at the same time as she sunk her fingers into the wet heat of her inner folds.
Lena was overwhelmed by sensation—the slick caress of Stef's fingers, the scrape of teeth against her throat, the burning trail from her lips and tongue across her chest, the desperate rush of her own breathing that was her only relief to the building pressure. Her hands grasped at Stef—her shoulders, her hips, her hair—as if she were trying to be everywhere all at once but nothing was enough. She was already close but her head was spinning, so she closed her eyes tight, focusing just on the rhythmic circles of Stef's hand. She gripped the pillow behind her with one hand, pressing down harder, her body tense against the edge she couldn't quite get over.
"Did we lose it?" Stef asked as she looked down at the concentration etched in Lena's face.
"No. Just… a little more…" she reached down to guide Stef's hand, "yeah. Stay right there." Stef did as she was told, keeping steady, and rebuilding momentum as Lena's hips rocked down against her again. Determined, Lena pulled Stef down to her, burying her face into the crook of her neck, but Stef could already tell. She was trying too hard, trying to hold onto what was already gone. After another minute, Lena's grip loosened, and as her body stilled, so did Stef.
"We lost it, didn't we?"
Frustrated, Lena blew out an exhale. "Yep."
Stef dropped her head against Lena's temple for a moment before rolling over and flopping onto her own pillow. Lying side by side, they both heaved a defeated sigh.
The quiet pressed on them, neither sure of what to say. It wasn't the first time this had happened, but it was the first time it happened to them both on the same night. It was Lena who broke the silence.
"I think I had too much wine." Her tone was flat, sounding as disappointed as she felt. "Maybe next time we should have sex before dinner. Or maybe we should have dinner. And less drinks." Because squeeze pouches of applesauce really didn't qualify as a meal. Especially when they'd had an entire bottle of wine.
"I think… there was just a lot of pressure tonight and—"
"All the pressure to have sex tonight was coming from you." It came out sounding more like an accusation than she'd meant, but it was true nonetheless.
Stef sighed. "No, I know, that's not—I just mean… I couldn't stop thinking about Hope and Kim not having sex for so long, and then it, it started to feel like I was, I don't know, trying to prove some point instead of just enjoying it."
A weighty silence passed before Lena slipped her hand beneath Stef's in the space between them, lacing their fingers together. "I'm sorry," she said. "I know it's been hard lately. Especially with how long it took to start having sex again after losing Frankie."
"Sweetheart, you were grieving. We both were." She squeezed Lena's hand as she spoke. "I don't fault you for that. We both needed time, and I wanted you to have however long you needed."
"I know, but… even now sometimes, I can be completely in the mood, then half way through it'll hit me all over again. Suddenly my body doesn't feel like mine anymore and I have to stop. And then I feel guilty for ruining it because it's already so hard for us to find time with everything else going on."
"My love, you don't ever have to feel guilty for that. I'm just glad you feel safe enough to be honest with me when it happens because I don't ever want you to feel pressured or, or like this is some obligation you have to fulfill—"
"I don't. I never have." Her cheeks puffed out as she blew out a sigh. "But I have to admit, sometimes I miss when sex didn't come with all this baggage and we could just enjoy each other."
Stef shifted onto her side, her face full of understanding. "I know, love." There was warmth and love in her eyes as she held Lena's gaze, and her thumb stroked back and forth over the softness of her palm. "Is that what happened tonight? You thought about Frankie?" Her question was gentle, and the care in her voice created a bloom of tenderness in Lena's chest.
"No." She shook her head, smiling. "I think this really was just too much wine on an empty stomach."
Stef laughed despondently. "Yeah, well, at least you didn't psych yourself out about lesbian bed death while in the middle of having lesbian sex." She rolled her eyes closed, shaking her head at herself.
Lena pressed a smiling, sympathetic kiss to Stef's lips. "You have nothing to worry about," she said as she pulled back to look her in the eye. "You know that, right? We're fine. Even with the really hard year we've had, we're still finding time. It's okay if it's not as often as it used to be."
Appreciative of the reassurance, but still feeling a bit unsettled by the whole thing, Stef smiled as she squeezed Lena's hand again. "Do you just want to cuddle for a while?"
"Are you just going to fall asleep on me?"
"Not right away." She winked, making Lena laugh as she leaned in to kiss her. "C'mere," she said, patting Lena's hip to encourage her to turn over.
Lena shuffled backwards, appreciating the warmth of Stef's skin against her back. The weight of her arm draped over her waist was so familiar and comfortable, she felt like she was melting into her as Stef pressed kisses to her neck, and jaw, and shoulder. Closing her eyes, Lena sighed, not even aware of the smile pulling across her lips.
"We're not losing our spark, are we?" Stef asked softly.
"Do you think we are?" Lena asked, careful not to let her surprise sound like defensiveness. At the moment, with the way she felt just lying in Stef's arms, that seemed unimaginable, but she was willing to admit to herself that she'd had similar worries in the last year. Life had gotten harder, and their relationship always felt like the only thing that could be put on the back burner, because it was the one thing she thought she could trust to still be there when all the fires were put out. Of course, that hadn't stopped her from worrying that maybe, while getting all those other fires under control, they would come out on the other side only to realize that they'd accidentally extinguished their flame as well.
"No. It's just… In the beginning when everything is so exciting because it's new… it's intense and, and everything just comes so easily. Sometimes, I worry that being comfortable and settled will turn into complacency, and we won't notice until it's too late."
Lena didn't respond right away, and Stef grew tense in the quiet that settled over them, feeling more vulnerable and unsure the longer it dragged on.
When Lena finally spoke, it was with a quiet reverence. "I still get excited every time you walk through the door at night. It may not be new, but it's better. Because we've seen each other at our best, and our worst, and we still choose this life over and over again. The way our love thrives in the day-to-day is my favorite part of us, and I'll happily take it over new passion every single day for the rest of my life."
This time, it was Stef who let the silence linger. She considered what her wife was saying, and the events of the evening, and all the way back to the beginning of their relationship. She realized how right Lena was. The familiarity and security of their love was what had sustained them for so long. It was what made them stronger together, and it was why, when she stopped worrying about what anyone else might think, it didn't matter how often they were having sex, or if sometimes an orgasm was elusive, or if intimacy sometimes just meant talking and cuddling until they fell asleep. What mattered was that they were still happy, still growing closer, still finding peace in one another, even on the hardest days. After all, a spark can only ignite a fire. It takes so much more to keep it burning.
"For the record, I'm happy anytime we get to be together, finish or not."
Lena smiled. "Me too."
"And this right here?" She nuzzled Lena's neck, pulling her closer. "This is my favorite part."
"Of us?"
"Of everything."