This is a dog tag. It hangs from a collar. It bears a black cross symbol. The name on it is rather intimidating: TEUFEL BLITZKRIEG.
Meet the tag's owner. He's a German shepherd. His ancestors guarded POW camps during WWII. Younger ancestors of his have been just as likely to fill the ranks of Shadowspire as they have of its sister army, Shadowspaw. Now, though, Teufel is just a drug dog. He swears fealty to the county sheriff adjacent to Smallville, Kansas...by day.
This is the cop car he's in. A county sheriff's department owns it. Many such sheriffs have driven it. One day, it might fall victim to a budget cut; it's already come way too close as things are. Until then, though, there's still dynamite in this here undercarriage; figuratively, of course.
In a procession, sheriff cars make their way up the state highway, towards Smallville High. Some would say they've got the DEA on their minds...but it'd be a lie. In fact, a lot of these sheriffs rather hope to do the job they're about to do while the DEA stays in its comfy little stations in Washington, giving themselves their daily enemas...or whatever it is DE agents do for sport.
This is Smallville High. It's been educating many teenagers for more than a few decades. In some of them, the school has come too close to being closed down...as has the nearby town. No matter how many recessions there'll be, the same thing would never happen in Wichita.
A Kansas state flag flies high over the school. Very seldom, has it ever flown lower...or upside-down. It still flies lower than Superman, though. But then, if not for Superman, the nearby town would've vanished a long time ago.
Here, there's a garden. It's overgrown with wild sunflowers. And that's with good reason; the wild sunflower is the state flower. Good thing the students don't sneeze to death, by breathing in the flowers' pollen. Also a good thing that none of them go blind from how yellow some of these flowers are. If Thaal Sinestro wasn't such a villain, he might consider taking a nap here sometime.
This particular blossom isn't very big. It's still very young. It's very yellow, though. And it's surely just as fragrant as its big sisters/brothers.
A male student plucks the blossom from its petiole. Not to worry, though. In Kansas, there's an old saying among its very small East Asian demographic: "as the sunflower is bent, so grows the vine." This one will, too. And with luck, Dr. Isley will never learn of its existence.
He holds it against his nose, and smells. Ah; the sweet smell of Kansas patriotism... If only Jon preferred it over some illegal inhalers. If only he sometimes wouldn't rather be Bane than Superboy.
He stands here for a long time and repeats the act. As a teen, he's not big on patriotism. He, like most guys his age, probably still has sex dreams of destroying Topeka, and roasting the Governor's brains on a bonfire...and then donating her pickled ovaries to a nature museum in Wichita. For now, though, that'll have to wait.
Jon isn't like most teens at this school, though. The truth is, if he really wanted to destroy Topeka... Well; perhaps one day he could. For now, though, he has yet to begin manifesting his father's kryptonian legacy...if he ever does...
In the school parking lot, the sheriffs arrive. They park just outside the high school's facade.
A car door opens. One paw at a time, Teufel is unloaded.
Inside, Candice opens her locker. She's got quite a few inhalers inside.
Atop a pack of notebooks, a small bag sits. It's got a substantial dose of Nip-It inside. Nip-It is not the kind of chemical one would buy at your average pharmacy...although Catwoman would probably steal every pack there was, if she could...if she can't.
Deviously, she puts the packet of Nip-It in Jon's hand.
Jon stuffs the Nip-It into his back pocket. He pats it, smiles, and opens his own locker.
Nearby, a bag leans against the other lockers. It's Jon's. It's got a few inhalers inside, too.
A few other inhalers sit inside Candice's locker. They have the word VENOM printed across them.
From down the hall, a sheriff approaches. He's got Teufel on a leash.
The sheriff pats his own pockets. He realizes he's forgotten something.
Nearby, there's a broom closet. It's got a nifty handle.
The sheriff improvises a knot and ties the leash to the doorknob. He rushes outside, to get what he left.
In his absence, the dog surveys the hallway. He wears a pair of Mid-Nite goggles. The goggles, aside from being night-worthy, have an AI inside them. The AI interfaces with other goggles of this type.
Through the green-tainted goggles, Teufel can see the back of Jon's pants. On its own, the AI draws an outline of something within Jon's butt pocket...
At long last, Chuck, the AI, has pinpointed what's inside the butt pocket. He also sounds an alarm, as he reports to the rest of the Mid-Nite goggles, wherever they are and whether they're being worn, that there's Nip-It in Jon Kent's butt.
"NIP-IT IN THE BUTT," the AI keeps repeating. "NIP-IT IN THE BUTT! NIP-IT IN THE BUTT! NIP-IT IN THE BUTT! NIP-IT IN THE BUTT! NIP-IT IN THE BUTT...!"
Teufel's handler isn't back yet. It also turns out he's a very bad knotsmith. Nonetheless, Teufel has a job to do. Teufel's previous partner, Baron Blitzkrieg, always prioritized labor over teamwork.
On its own, the knot comes loose. Now free, Teufel wanders to the very end of the hall. Here, he does an about face. He lowers himself to the floor, and chambers for a shock charge...
Far ahead, Jon's unaware of what's about to happen. He's standing next to Candice, the love of his life. He's deep inside an intimate conversation with her.
"Of course Bane can have sex," Jon tells her, "better than Batman. Batman's not the one with a heap of Venom in his blood!"
"Yeah," Candice replies, "I don't know. It seems to me that if a man truly is nothing without artificial chemicals in his blood, he shouldn't be making out with anyone at all."
Now, Teufel abandons his hide. He rises, and accelerates down the hall, running and highballing faster and faster as he goes along... Today, he's a Nazi Reverse-Flash...if no one at this school ever saw one... Today, he'll do Dr. Minerva proud...despite being a dog.
"After centuries of living on these farms," Jon admits, "you'd think that the white people who live in this part of the state would breed more sons worthy of Superman's bulletproof chest."
"I know," Candice agrees. "I'm a Topeka girl. I see more farm boys come into the capital from the farms than most could probably imagine. They'd do our state's national guard proud. In fact, a lot of them are national guard grunts..."
While running, Teufel leaps, and does a spiraling flip. He comes around with all four paws touching Jon's backside. Once here, he bares his fangs, and sinks his teeth into Jon's butt cheek.
And now, Operation Spinning Top is on. Jon screams, falls on the floor, lies on his belly, and spins around the hallway floor like a top. He screams, as he does this. Atop him, Teufel maintains perfect balance, while keeping his fangs impregnated into Jon's ass.
All around, other students scream and move out of the human/kryptonian/dog top's way. The school's many double doors seem to open on their own, as Teufel takes Jon on a trip all over school grounds, causing swarms of students to stampede as this happens.
Back at the lockers, Jon left his bag. In his absence, the sheriffs get to it.
One takes one of the inhalers out. He gets someone on a walkie-talkie.
"Describe it," the walkie-talkie says.
"Well," the sheriff begins. "It's small, and..."
From behind, Spinning Jon returns. He runs right into the backside of Teufel's inept partner. Like dominoes, the sheriffs all fall. The one holding Jon's bag is the last to do so. The bag's contents spill all over the hallway floor; this includes the inhalers.
Outside, there's a running track. Today, the girls' track team runs a few laps around it. There's nothing inhuman about how they run. They're all a long way from the Olympics...if any of them are even trying to get there.
Up ahead, Jon spins into view, with the dog still mounted atop him, and biting down on his ass. Like a huge top, he spins towards them.
The girls scream, and scatter. As the track clears, Spinning Jon does several rounds around the track.
From the bleachers, one of the school nerds turns on the camera in his smartphone. Gawking, he records Jon's laps. At his flanks, other class nerds do the same thing...
Back in the hallway, the sheriff has managed to get all of the inhalers in a very hefty armload. Once again, the walkie-talkie asks for a description of a sole inhaler.
"Well," he says. "It's small, orange, and..."
Again, Spinning Jon bumps into Teufel's inept partner from behind. The chain reaction happens once again, as the sheriffs knock each other down like dominoes. The sheriff with the inhalers is the last to get knocked down. Once again, the inhalers scatter all over the hallway floor.
In an arena, teen boys play hockey on ice. Both intramural teams have some amazing moves. They're not kryptonians, but they're not klutzes, either.
Like a basketball at the start of a game, Spinning Jon flies high over the midst of the rink, lands, and starts spinning everywhere all across it. All around him, the hockey players panic, and slide of the rink as quickly as they can...considering that they're all literally on ice.
Jon spins right towards a hockey back. He's a small guy. He panics, takes his stick, and hits Jon very hard with it.
Like an actual puck, Jon flies across the arena. Atop him, the dog still keeps his teeth sunk into poor Jon's butt... He's very tenacious. But then, the Baron meant for him to be that way...although he probably didn't have a high school student in mind, when he thought of everyone the dog could use his bite on... Unless he himself was ever bullied in high school, of course...
The other hockey goal is being guarded. Jon barely gets a chance to look into the whites of the goalkeeper's gaping eyes, as Spinning Jon nears closer and closer to him.
Thankfully, the goalkeeper gets out of the way in time. The goal isn't nearly as lucky. Jon and Teufel spin right into the goal...and keep going, trailing the goal both around and behind them. They rip its posts right out of where they're bolted into.
Some class nerds are doing their homework in the bleachers. When Jon takes out the goal, they leap, yell, and cheer. Some of them also shout insults to the hockey jocks who dared give Jon such a wide berth.
Back in the hallway, the sheriff, once again, has all of the inhalers in an armload. Once again, the walkie-talkie asks for a description.
"Well," the sheriff says. "It's small, orange, and has white stripes all over it, like a..."
Spinning Jon is back. He hits another sheriff from behind and commences the chain reaction once more. Once more, the inhalers spill all over the hallway floor. A student in a wheelchair has to stop, just to keep her wheelchair from becoming a hockey instrument.
The walkie-talkie bounces off several walls and slides back towards the defeated sheriff's ear. "Like a copperhead, over?"
The sheriff is too overwhelmed, and exasperated, to answer. Someone's got to nail that puck to the floor, before everyone in this hallway is gassed to death...if they haven't been already...
"Sheriff," the walkie-talkie repeats itself, "do you read me, over?"
Outside, there's a baseball field. Two intramural teams rehearse.
A pitcher is up to the mound. He's armed with a prize ball. It's been autographed by one of the school's many alumni.
At home plate, a batter is up to bat. Behind him, a catcher from the other team is in his armor and equipped with a glove. Both are ready for anything.
A dark feeling comes over the home plate catcher. Very slowly, he turns around...
Spinning Jon approaches. He spins right towards where the catcher and batter are...
The batter sees them, too. Both panic and run. As they do, the bat rises high into the air...
At the mound, the pitcher pitches. He does so before he realizes he's just thrown a ball at an abandoned home plate.
It doesn't stay abandoned for long. Jon gets there. As the bat comes down, he grabs onto it for dear life...before realizing it's not a fixed asset.
By pure chance, Jon hits the ball with the bat. As the ball flies away, Jon inadvertently keeps spinning towards first base.
The first baseman panics and runs. Spinning Jon gets to first base, and spins towards second base.
The second baseman panics, too, and runs. Spinning Jon gets to second base, and spins towards third base.
Back at home plate, the catcher returns. He opens his glove and looks around for the ball.
Up high, the ball returns. The catcher beams, gets in place, and prepares to receive it...
At third base, the third baseman, too, panics and runs. Spinning Jon gets to third base, and begins spinning back towards home base, about to score a full home run...
There, the catcher beams, as the ball gets closer and closer. This could be it...!
Alas, Superman arrives. He inadvertently knocks the ball out of its trajectory, as he enters school grounds.
In shock, the pitcher gapes up, and nearly swears. He blinks, sees Spinning Jon approaching, and is compelled to run again.
In his absence, Spinning Jon spins right across home base, scoring a near-perfect home run. Jon would be happier about it, if not for two things; if he wasn't sick enough to vomit, if he didn't need a new shirt, and if this accursed drug dog would unhand his butt already...
Inside, where the halls all meet, the school principal leaves her office. She's got a lot of papers in her hands. Reading some of them, she ventures halfway up the nearest hall...
Right at her, Spinning Jon approaches. The drug dog still mounts him, and has his teeth sunk into his butt. This time, Jon is semi-airborne...
The Principal looks up. She sees the student and drug dog spinning right at her. In slow-motion, she gapes, and screams in horror. She's about to get hit...
Superman flies in, just in time, grabs the Principal, and saves her. Spinning Jon flies right past and forces a pair of double doors beyond to open.
From here, Spinning Jon flies across the parking lots, passes them, and lands on the school greens. He becomes an inadvertent lawn mower, as he spins across the grounds and literally mows the grass as if he were a rotary blade.
Alas, today, actual landscapers work. A lot of them ride mowers. Spinning Jon approaches them, endangering their vehicles. Superman flies around, relieving as many groundskeepers as he can, before Jon renders their equipment useless.
From afar, two sheriffs watch, petrified. Their new prize drug dog, it seems, has done more damage than he's worth. The Baron probably wouldn't think so, if he was here to play witness... But then, better thing he isn't.
"I now see what Waller meant," one of them said, "when she tried to warn us that Baron Blitzkrieg's old guard dog might be too much for our department."
The other sheriff scoffs. "He sure isn't enough for the local drug trade. THAT much is clear..."
Many long moments later, Jon's hands are tied to the flagpole. Alas, the drug dog still has his fangs sunk into Jon's ass. He still won't let go.
Jon's feet leave the ground, as a long network of human ropes, made entirely of sheriffs, are strewn across the school grounds. Many of them are threaded over the big branches of the few cottonwood trees on the grounds. Altogether, they attempt to pull Teufel Blitzkrieg off the student's poor ass.
Alas, the dog's bite is strong. Baron Blitzkrieg, no surprise, meant for this to be so. Alas, he clearly wasn't thinking of the welfare of the students at Smallville High when he genetically engineered this canine brute. But then, that's no shocker; welfare, after all, was hardly the Baron's forte.
Kyle Cushing, a local fireman and the mayor's ex-husband, is a part of these human ropes. He seems stretched; a lot more than usual, in fact. But then, he has his wife to thank that he was never turned into a kryptonian by X-kryptonite...whether he'd happily admit it or not...
Jon pants, while clinging to his place of honor at the flagpole. "Will you get this thing off of me," he shouts. "My butt is starting to hurt!"
Behind him, and hanging upside-down, the dog still clings to his ass. He's surrounded and being stretched from behind. And yet, he's not surrendering. Baron Blitzkrieg would be proud of him... Or rather, in theory, at least...
In the wings, students watch. Some seem concerned. Some snicker. Some record the ordeal with their smartphones.
Nearby, Jon's brother Jordan watches. His girlfriend, Sarah, Cushing's daughter, stands beside him. She seems concerned.
"Do you think," she asks, "that we should integrate ourselves into the human chains?"
Jordan shakes his head. "Nah. Dad wouldn't want me to." He studies her. "Don't ask, if you don't want to know."
Sarah studies him for a moment...but goes right back to watching. In her mind, Jordan's been extremely secretive, of late. She knows he's keeping something from him...but she's still too much of a Latina bimbo to figure out what.
In the parking lot, an ambulance arrives. It's got the word ALCHEMY branded on the sides.
From it, a man in black dismounts. He wears a plague doctor mask; the one that looks like a giant bird's beak.
With him, he's brought a large pair of bellows. Their corks leak...and stink, a bit...
In a long cloak, he slowly approaches the flagpole. Around him, students pass. The female ones panic and run at the sight of him.
Up ahead, Jon still clings to the pole. He needs relief. He also needs for those inhalers in his bag to vanish. He need not worry, though; if the sheriffs had fun thoughts about arresting him when they got here, now they seem to feel more apologetic than not...
At last, Dr. Desmond stands right beneath where the drug dog hangs upside-down. He tests his bellows; a little fluid comes out of them. Grinning inside his mask, he takes the bellows, and impregnates the poor drug dog's ass with their long prong-like thing.
Gently, he squeezes the bellows. He's careful not to OD the poor dog...as much as the dog probably deserves to be ODed...
Aloft, the dog's eyes begin to roll. Simultaneously, his ferocious grip on poor Jon's ass starts to lessen...
Nearby, Superman watches. He seems bored. He flies over to the dog's ass and prods it with his laser-vision.
The dog whimpers and releases Jon's ass instantly. He falls to the ground, upside down. By now he's tired and doesn't bother to roll back over.
Jon yelps, as he starts to hang from the flagpole by his wrists. Below him, the ground is about five feet beneath his feet. If only he could fly like his father... If only he had laser vision, like his brother...
There's a hole in the seat of his pants. There are also fang marks in the fabric, where the dog wouldn't let go of him.
From behind, a lot of teenage girls view what Jon's undies look like from a hole in the back of his pants. They smirk and giggle amongst themselves. His undies are patterned with the Superman S. In this state, they'd never believe that Jon is Superman's son...let alone Kon-El's future successor as Superboy.
From behind Jon, a she-sheriff creeps. With velvet hands, she penetrates Jon's back pocket...which hangs from a piece of his pants which leave his undies revealed. She grins, slightly, as she does this...
From them, she fetches the Nip-It. She drops it into an evidence bag that another sheriff opens for her. That sheriff shows it to the sheriff-in-charge.
"This," they say, "is what got Teufel all worked-up. It should also probably be noted that he was wearing Mid-Nite goggles when Harper took him into the school." He scoffs. "The chief did try to warn Dr. Chapel that our small town isn't ready for such intelligence...even if the county does have a community college."
Sheriff Turpin takes the evidence bag, studies it, and scoffs. "Poor kid. Good thing the Kents don't sue us..."
"That's not likely to happen," Sheriff Sawyer points out. "The Kents are friends with the Mayor. Plus, Jon kind of deserved what happened." She surveyed all of the damage. "But then, if I were his judge, I probably would've wanted a lighter sentence for him, than all of this..."
Aloft, Jon still hangs, by his wrists, from the flagpole. Someone has yet to untie him.
"Excuse me," he calls down, "I don't mean to obstruct justice or anything, but... My hands are going numb. Plus, I need to go home and change my pants."
Sawyer creeps towards Turpin. "Hey boss," she mutters. "What say we go fetch a cat-of-nine-tails, and flog him, like in the old days?" She winks.
Turpin scoffs. "Whatever happened to NOT encouraging the Kents to sue us?"
Sawyer frowns and sighs. "Fine. I'll see to it that Harper is censured for leaving Teufel unattended in the school."
"Don't bother. We'll suspend him for three days. I'll also see to it that the dog is transferred to a new post. I've been told that Belle Reeve is hiring new guards."
Paramedics come with a stretcher. They drop the unconscious dog onto it, still belly-up, and haul him aboard the ambulance.
Above, Jon still hangs from the pole. He hasn't been forgotten...as much as he probably deserves to be. The community is just taking a little longer than expected to cut his bonds.
Below, Sawyer still studies Jon...and not just because she can see the back of his undies. But then, she wouldn't anyway; she's a lesbian.
"Boss? Not to keep bringing this up, but... Are we going to arrest Jon?"
Turpin looks up and thinks for a moment. "We won't arrest him right away," he finally answers. "We'll wait three days. He's been through a very though ordeal. It would be inhumane to arrest him so soon after."
Firemen surround the pole and bring a ladder. Cushing climbs it, with a Bowie knife in hand... (Not to worry; the knife isn't to avenge his daughter Sarah. And it wouldn't be, anyway. If Cushing wanted that, it would make more sense for him to use it to attack Jordan, Jon's brother.)
Nearby, one male student wears a monk's robes. He looks up at the pole, and scoffs. "It's going to be years," he remarks, "before SYATP meets at this pole again..."
At the edge of the parking lots, Teufel's ambulance makes its way towards the county road. It rolls over several speed bumps while doing so. Its lights don't flash, and its siren doesn't wail.
Above, the firemen cut at Jon's ropes. Alas, Jon looks across the school grounds, and the fleeing ambulance. His eyes are narrowed. His expression is much darker, than before...
That dog ruined his honor today. Jon might not realize it yet...but today, he will vow for revenge. That dog might die, before he ever finds out...but one day, Jon will see to it that he's Wienerschnitzel...if he has to tie a wolfsangel to a tree in the woods.