A/N: Maybe I should have warned you before the first chapter. These are what I think of as fun ideas (yes, I'm told that I have a warped sense of humour).

Chances are that they will be severely OOC, and I quite happily ignore such practical considerations as finances etc.

Btw, I tweaked the final line of the previous chapter to make it clear that Bingley barged in during the wedding breakfast of Jane and the Colonel.

One further warning – every one of our characters is fair game. 😊

~50~

The day after the ball at Netherfield, Mr Collins began his addresses to his cousin Elizbeth,—

'Believe me, my dear Miss Elizabeth, that your modesty, so far from doing you any disservice, rather adds to your other perfections. You would have been less amiable in my eyes had there not been this little unwillingness; but allow me to assure you that I have your respected mother's permission for this address. You can hardly doubt the purport of my discourse, however your natural delicacy may lead you to dissemble; my attentions have been too marked to be mistaken. Almost as soon as I entered the house I singled you out as the companion of my future life. But before I am run away with by my feelings on this subject, perhaps it will be advisable for me to state my reasons for marrying—and, moreover, for coming into Hertfordshire with the design of selecting a wife, as I certainly did.'

The idea of Mr Collins, with all his solemn composure, being run away with by his feelings, made Elizabeth so near laughing that she could not use the short pause he allowed in any attempt to stop him farther, and he continued,—

'My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish; secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness; and, thirdly, which perhaps I ought to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling patroness. Twice has she condescended to give me her opinion (unasked too!) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night before I left Hunsford,—between our pools at quadrille, while Mrs. Jenkinson was arranging Miss De Bourgh's footstool,—that she said, 'Mr Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. Choose properly, choose a gentlewoman for my sake, and for your own; let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman as soon as you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.' Allow me, by the way, to observe, my fair cousin, that I do not reckon the notice and kindness of Lady Catherine de Bourgh as among the least of the advantages in my power to offer. You will find her manners beyond anything I can describe; and your wit and vivacity, I think, must be acceptable to her, especially when tempered with the silence and respect which her rank will inevitably excite. Thus much for my general intention in favour of matrimony; it remains to be told why my views were directed to Longbourn instead of my own neighbourhood, where I assure you there are many amiable young women. But the fact is, that being, as I am, to inherit this estate after the death of your honoured father (who, however, may live many years longer), I could not satisfy myself without resolving to choose a wife from among his daughters, that the loss to them might be as little as possible when the melancholy event takes place—which, however, as I have already said, may not be for several years. This has been my motive, my fair cousin, and I flatter myself it will not sink me in your esteem. And now nothing remains for me but to assure you in the most animated language of the violence of my affection. To fortune I am perfectly indifferent, and shall make no demand of that nature on your father, since I am well aware that it could not be complied with; and that one thousand pounds in the 4 per cents., which will not be yours till after your mother's decease, is all that you may ever be entitled to. On that head, therefore, I shall be uniformly silent: and you may assure yourself that no ungenerous reproach shall ever pass my lips when we are married.'

It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now.

'You are too hasty, sir. I have not agreed to such a course of action. While I thank you for the consideration, but I must decline your offer.'

Collins gave her a look composed of incredulity and offence which soon cleared and turned into a patronising smile. 'Although, as I said before, your humility does you credit, since I am fully aware that my condescension in offering for your will raise you above all your sisters, you need not fear that such an action will reflect badly on you. Therefore, we shall only need to inform your father of your excellent fortune.'

'Truly, Mr Collins, such thoughts were the furthest from my mind. I simply believe that we would not suit and therefore a union betwixt us would not increase the felicity for either of us,' countered Elizabeth, irritated that that ridiculous man would not accept a polite refusal, but nevertheless attempting to be at least civil.

Collins' smile deepened as he said, 'It seems that you are one of those elegant females who will deny any interest to inflame the passions of their suitor, declining a proposal which they mean to accept at the second or third time of asking.' He shook his head dismissively. 'There is no need for such subterfuge. Ours will be a most felicitous marriage as you learn the responsibilities of being my wife at the feet of Lady Catherine.'

That last statement was the final straw for Elizabeth. 'Mr Collins, I pride myself on being a rational female and strive for courtesy towards all people. But you strain my patience beyond breaking point. Since you obviously cannot understand even simple politeness, I am forced to be blunt. You are the most ridiculous and odious man of my acquaintance. You are not only physically but also mentally repulsive. I question the standards of the higher institution of learning where you achieved your degree and were ordained because you are too stupid to understand such simple words as NO. You are completely ignorant of the rules of propriety and your fawning over Lady Catherine de Bourgh is pathetic. And if you think that I would gratefully sit at the feet of Lady Catherine, then you are a candidate for bedlam. Your patroness sounds like a nosy, interfering busybody with less sense than even Lydia and quite frankly I think my youngest sister was dropped on her head multiple times as a baby because she has not had a single rational thought as long as I have known her.'

Elizabeth took a deep breath as Collins stared at her in open-mouthed stupefaction. Glaring at the man she concluded her rant, 'Therefore, for the final time, the answer to your proposal is NO and no one on this earth can change my mind on this matter.'

With those words, Elizabeth turned her back on Collins and stormed out of the room, causing her mother and sisters to overbalance as she flung open the door.

Collins stood dumbstruck during the tirade and the aftermath of giggling girls in the doorway. He slowly came to his senses. Once he had fully assimilated the occurrence of the last few minutes, Collins raised his eyes to heaven and sighed. 'Thank you, Lord, for my narrow escape. It would have been unbearable to be tied to this harridan for life.'

He did not realise that Elizabeth had sounded just like Lady Catherine.

~50~

50 ways to reject a proposal (working title) by Sydney Salier, Copyright © 2023