Princess

I've been reading all the JE fanfic for a couple of years now and never thought I'd write a story. But my oldest beloved kitty companion died a few weeks ago (I chose euthanasia because he was suffering) and I thought about Tank and how he maybe would feel about having to euthanize one of his kitties. So this story was born. I based Tank's cat on not just my recently passed old man but on a few of my kitties past. The name I gave the vet is my retired vet's nickname (what all his patients' parents called him).

All familiar characters belong to JE. I just vented my grief through her characters.*

…..

I knew today would come. Eventually. Didn't want it to but it's here. She's been declining, has gotten frail and can't deal with the newbies anymore though she tries. Her legs are not as steady, she has kidney disease. But still I hoped she'd live forever.

I knew today would come. Eventually. My first sweet little kitty. "Boys need dogs!" was the refrain throughout my childhood. And I had lots of furry companions of the canine variety.

But I just really wanted a cat.

…

I didn't get my cat until I was 27. Fresh off my tours of duty and obligations, I decided it was time to get a pet. I had backup for if I went into the wind again for a few weeks or months. And lots of downtime in between. It was time to have a furry companion again. Finally, THIS time, a CAT.

So, determined to have a loyal feline companion, I went to the local shelter.

Now, it must be noted that I am a large, muscle bound Black man of 6'5" and 280lbs. Apparently that makes me seem scary - great in my line of work, not so great in my private life. It's the only reason that I can figure why the shelter workers were scared of me and suggesting dogs.

I quietly requested to see the kitties.

"OH! Well. You're looking for a new companion, right? Let me bring you to the puppy pen - we have an abandoned litter of sweet Rottie puppies. You should check them out!"

"No, thank-you, ma'am. I would like to see the kitties, please."

"Oh….okay…they're right over here. Not many to choose from right now. The kittens get adopted so fast but the older ones not so much. They're all sweeties but they're all older little loves and several have medical needs…you may not want to deal with that…"

"I'd still like to see them, please. Also, I have the means to care for a cat with medical needs."

The volunteer reluctantly guided me to kitty corner. There were 7 cats of varying ages and issues. I approached cautiously and let them all sniff me. They were all so sweet and adorable and I was having a difficult time deciding who to adopt when my attention was snagged by a tiny Tortoiseshell with a very strong M on her forehead and the most adorable little clown nose, crawled out from under a cat condo. The volunteer nervously explained that she had epilepsy and needed meds to control her seizures and was still alive beyond her expected years. Only intrigued me more - she was a tiny warrior.

That sweet little princess was storming the castle, barging the cage door, insisting on me petting her. The volunteer saw this, sighed, and went to release her. She raced directly to me.

The second she was in my arms it was as if she was meant to be there. The sweet little princess snuggled right into me and purred like crazy. My heart was hers from that moment on. So that was her name - Princess.

…

I brought her home with me along with her meds (and instructions on how often to administer them) and all the other basic acroutements of cat ownership. She settled right into my home and was immediately the best friend I'd always needed. She was exactly how I imagined what having a cat for a pet would be like.

We were so happy just the two of us. She was my best friend and constant cuddly companion. I made sure she was pilled at the right times and she was healthy and happy.

But she was sometimes a little lonely what with my long hours away from home.

Then one day, I found a few abandoned kittens in my neighborhood. I was enraged that they had been left for dead so I brought them home. Princess never balked - she immediately started helping me care for them. Princess protected them as if they were her own babies. She cleaned them and let them suckle for comfort - even though she had no milk for them - made sure they ate, and snuggled them constantly.

When they were old enough, I found them all good homes but kept one from that litter - Applepuff. She and Princess were absolutely devoted to each other.

As the years went by, I fostered 10 more litters and adopted 3 more kitties. Princess always nurtured them. The shelter staff had gotten used to me and knew Princess and me could be relied on to foster homeless babies.

…

Princess was 8 years old when we found each other. She's been my partner in crime, kitty mama to all my babies, my best friend for the last 9 years.

I knew this day would come. Eventually.

She's in pain, old, and suffering. And I know that letting her go is the kindest thing to do. I'm having a hard time making that decision though because I don't want to lose her. But it's time, and I know it, and I hate it.

…

Today is the day.

"Tank?" asks Steph, "do you need any of us to come with you?"

"No. I'm fine. Thanks, but she's just a cat and I'm FINE."

Steph worries her lip and looks up at me with her sad, worried, big blue eyes.

"It's just...think you need a friend right now" she says, "at least to drive you there and back so you don't have to focus on that and so you can focus on Princess and…and…and be there for you…after…"

I grunt a negative, turn my back, and head to my car. I don't want her to see the tears in my eyes.

…

Today is the day. Princess is leaving and never coming home again.

I'm struggling, I admit.

"Hey, sweet Princess. Time to go see Dr. Bob. I know how much you love him. He's gonna take good care of you, baby…"

My voice trails off as I choke on the words. This is happening, soldier, I say to myself, suck it up and be brave for her.

I gently place her into the carrier then the car and we head to the vet office.

When we arrive, I see 3 black SUVs parked in the lot and my brothers in arms outside standing at attention. Ranger is leaning against his Cayenne, face blank, eyes intense. You could have knocked me over with a feather such was my surprise.

"Whaaa…? Why…? What???"

Steph approaches me sheepishly and says "the guys and I were talking about how you're letting Princess go today and how badly we feel for you…she's the first of your babies, it must be so hard to let her go….sooooo….we decided to be here for you and her if you needed us…and to help send her off with our love."

Is someone cutting onions? Because my eyes are involuntarily watering.

I blink back my reaction, give a brief nod, then continue on into the vet clinic.

The vet tech and doc are very kind and give me as much time as I need to say my goodbyes to my sweet little Princess.

"Hey, Princess. So this is the end, baby. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I let it get this bad for you. I promise to do better next time - I'll take care of your kittens for you. Especially Applepuff.

I'm so glad that we found each other. You're the best thing to ever happen to me. You are the best cat a guy like me could have had. You loved me unconditionally from the get go and it means so much to me."

I pause, struggling to keep it together, but the next words embarassingly come out on a barely suppressed sob "I love you so much, I don't want you to go, Princess. I love you, sweetheart, I'm so sorry"

I don't want to drag it out any longer so I ask Dr. Bob to come back in. I'm ready...or so I think.

As he lines up the syringes, I gently stroke Princess' head and belly. She's purring as Dr. Bob injects her with the sedative. I have my head pressed to hers, stroking her little body, whispering over and over again "I love you, Princess, I love you so much". Her body slumps in sleep but is still purring; and then the doc injects the shot that will stop her sweet little heart. I keep whispering to her, and her purring stops just a few seconds before the doc quietly says "she's gone now". And I lose it, bawling like a baby. If our enemies could see me now, I'd lose all my badass cred. Dr. Bob places a comforting hand on my shoulder whilst murmuring "I'm so sorry, Pierre, she was a such a wonderful little cat, I loved her too…let it out, take all the time you need". After one last sympathetic squeeze of my shoulder, he leaves, and I'm alone with my sweet little princess.

I didn't know it would be this hard. Fuck. She's just a cat, right? But she was my best friend, she was my family. It HURTS.

I stroke her rapidly cooling body - whispering to her that I love her. I try to regain control but I can't stop the tears.

Suddenly a hand tentatively touches my arm and my head snaps up and my eyes lock with big blue ones. Steph. Her eyes are teary and sympathetic.

She doesn't say anything, just opens her arms and I collapse into her embrace. I heave with suppressed sobs as she hugs me tight. Then another set of arms wrap around me - Ranger. And another and another. And I realize that Lester and Bobby are hugging me tight, too. With a shuddering breath I let go and let my tears flow while I cry for my lost Princess.

My brothers and sister have me, keeping me safe, while I grieve the loss of my dearest little friend.