Author's Note: I just wanted to thank you all for the support, it really means a lot! Didn't expect many people to even read it, so to see this many people favorite and follow means a lot to me :)
On a story note, this is the start of what the main story will consist of, starting off or including dreams, memories, or nightmares that the characters experience (these will almost always be from Shepard or Tali, bar a few circumstances).
Another thing, more of an annoyance for me really. From now on, unless I specifically say it, Shepard is speaking Khelish and will continue to do so when around quarians, especially Tali. Just in case everyone wonders what language he's speaking, since that might get confusing after awhile.
As always, enjoy!
Engineering deck, Normandy SR-1, March 2nd, 2183, 10:32 Universal Time Coordinated (UTC)
Tali stood at her console, the humming of the Normandy's drive core bringing a smile to her face. It had been three days since she joined the crew of the advanced starship, her pilgrimage taking a pleasant turn.
Yet with the happiness her work brought her, she still couldn't help but feel alone. She was alive, lucky to be so, and whisked away on the adventure of a lifetime, but that feeling of loneliness could not be shaken. She had yet to make acquaintances with those on the ship, afraid to expose herself to the inevitable ridicule. If these people even spoke to her. She had maintained one conversation and it was with ship's chief engineer who ensured her she was welcome and if problems arose to consult with him.
She had accepted that, but her concern was that one such issue had occurred and involved the ship's own captain. When she had last spoken to him, he had belittled her descriptions of life in her suit, insinuating that a return to her people's home planet would erase the need for the suit. When she had attempted to explain that such an act was impossible It had upset her greatly, that her captain had insulted her in such a manner, so she had not spoken to or seen him in three days, avoiding the man for fear she'd start crying or worse, lash out.
She was snapped out of her thoughts when she heard footsteps approaching, it was the subject of her recent thoughts. She felt her body tense, her hands curling into fists, she was not in the mood to entertain the arrogance of an ignorant human. Let alone her own captain.
"Hello, miss Zorah, I was wondering if I might speak with you?" She thought she was imagining it, but he had a look of concern in his eyes, one she had yet to see in the humans she'd encountered. Still his presence grated at her nerves.
"Of course, commander. I'm busy, but you may talk." Perhaps she was a little too harsh, but it got her point across, she thought.
"Thank you, I'll try to be brief to allow you to get back to your work," he said softly. He then continued, "I'd like to apologize for my behavior the other day. It was uncalled for, and my ignorance was no excuse. You are the first quarian I've met, and I allowed for that to cloud my judgement and in that regard my ignorance of your people's history was exposed."
She stood for a moment contemplating a response, but he had continued questioning the sincerity of the apology. Perhaps offering one to prevent awkward situations from arising, to propagate a false sense of trust for "unit cohesion."
"If I meant any offense, I truly apologize and I'd like to learn about your people, if you'd allow me?"
Again, her reverie was broken by his voice, a deep soothing baritone that she found calmed her immensely. Quarian men's voices were not as low pitched and had the added disadvantage of being hidden behind a synthetic filter. Shepard's was not, it was unfiltered and smooth, lulling her into a sense of security.
But now she considered what he had asked. He had wanted to learn of her culture, her people. The galactic equivalent of vermin, "suit-rats" as her people were affectionately called.
"Y-you want to learn about my people?" He just nodded, a soft smile on his face. "Why? We're not viewed kindly, we're seen as pests, vagrants."
His response surprised her. "Do you honestly believe that? Do you think you're any of those things?"
"No, of course not! It's just…we're not treated well. We're forced to scavenge and scan planets for fuel and resources. Certain systems bar our presence entirely, so we're forced to ration leading to famine. Others charge exorbitant entry fees to their docks when we need repairs, causing critical systems to fail when those amounts can't be paid."
Her hold on the terminal increased causing it to creak in protest. It angered her how her people were treated, cast off into the void of space to fend for themselves. She released her fingers from the console and leaned against it, taking a breath she looked at the man expecting there to be one of two looks. Either a distant gaze showcasing a lack of interest in her people and their plight or one of pity, followed by platitudes that offered no comfort or solutions.
What she saw was one of understanding, a genuine interest to do more than just apologize for the inaction of the galactic communities, to wave off their mistreatment. He seemed to care, to express an interest in learning more, or perhaps she was searching for a meaning that wasn't there.
"I read some of your people's history on the extranet, it all seemed contrived. Written by asari or turians, or I assume so since none of their names looked or sounded like yours. What was it you said when you explained it, first name, then clan name and then either birth ship or the ship you're crew on right?"
She nodded gently; she hadn't expected him to remember…
"Thought so. So, I read these 'histories' and it labeled your people as degenerates, filth, I won't continue but it was not positive. Each had a common thread though excusing that treatment because of the creation of the geth and considering your people's genocide as a just punishment for their creation."
He paused and took a breath of his own, "I'll stop before I upset you further, but essentially, it's a biased view and it's unfair. I won't go into my opinion on it, maybe once we know each other better we can, but know that I do not view you like what you described. You are not filth, you are an important member of this team, understood?"
"Understood, Captain," she exclaimed a little louder than she had intended but he just laughed. "Please, call me Shepard, miss Zorah." She scoffed, "fine, but you must call me Tali. Fair is fair."
He laughed again and she found it was a sound that made a warmth spread through her and she smiled at the man, but quickly shook her head. She had heard stories from those who had returned from pilgrimage, stories of their falling for asari, turians even a few humans. She wondered herself if that was what that feeling of warmth was, the start of romantic feelings for her human captain.
A fervent beeping captured her attention, the results of a diagnostic program she had been displayed on the terminal.
"Well, I can see you're busy, so I'll leave you to it. If you'd like, when you're free for lunch we can have another chat? Or I can come down here, I notice you don't eat in the mess hall."
She was silent, her fingers intertwined at her waist, a quick glance from Shepard turned into a warm smile "how about I come down here and eat with you? If that's okay?"
"T-that's okay, you don't have to." He snorted, "I know I don't, Tali. I'm asking if you'd like the company."
She found herself considering the offer but found that a plethora of reasons for declining surfaced. "What about the others? Don't you eat with them?"
"I do. But I can spare a meal or two with you since it seems you're not comfortable eating around others. We'll chat and you can tell me about your people, about the ship, maybe even teach me your language. I know quite a few already, I can learn one more."
She laughed, she had assumed that he was joking but the smirk on his face betrayed a sense of truth, that he had in fact been intent on learning her language. A non-quarian learning Khelish, the thought made her chuckle to herself but then a pang of guilt struck her. He had just told her he knew multiple languages and while she hadn't known which ones, she knew that she had only spoken Khelish and that quarians themselves were taught that exclusively.
Learning another language wasn't a necessity on the Fleet, it was a waste of time and therefore by extension, a waste of resources. She, however, had ample time except for the potential ground missions, her engineering duties scarce save for the occasional diagnostic or maintenance repair. The thought had possessed her latching on to her psyche for a reason she had yet to understand, the idea that learning a new language was to her benefit.
"I'd like that and maybe you can teach me about human culture and even your own language?" she questioned, bouncing on her toes, an instinctual reflex designed to release excess excitement. It had earned another laugh from the man in front of her, "well, let me know which you want to do, either lunch or dinner. Or even both, it'll give me more of a chance to know you. We haven't had a chance to, and if I have to hear one more C-Sec story from Garrus, I'll lose my mind."
It was then that an embarrassing sound came from her lips, like the pilgrimage girl that she was she giggled enthusiastically at her captain's joke. It was breathy and light causing her cheeks to flush with her humiliation, but if he caught it, he paid it no mind.
"I'll leave you to your work now. Please, if you can, see Dr. Chakwas. She needs to discuss medications and specific treatment plans; in the unfortunate event you're injured in the field."
She gave a nod, her eyes downcast, staring at the floor beneath her terminal. "I'm sorry I haven't seen her yet, it's just…" He raised his hand to stave an inevitable whirlwind of apologies and excuses, "no need to apologize, I understand. Just please, see her as soon as possible, okay?"
She nodded again, this time looking at his face, examining it thankful she was hidden behind her visor.
Her eyes flitted from feature to feature taking it all in, the relative smoothness of his face, the strong, defined jawline, the darkness of his eyes. She found his features pleasing which was unsurprising considering the similarities in appearances that humans and quarians had. Shepard was an attractive, handsome man according to both species.
When she emerged from the depths of her daydream his comforting eyes hadn't greeted her return, rather a boisterous laugh from Adams that filled the room.
"I'll make sure of it, Commander, thank you," the man's words interspersed between short intakes of breath. She found herself twisting her fingers, the digits weaving through each other, offering a slight comfort to her uneasiness.
"Adams, what was that? What's so funny?" The man laughed again much to her dismay, but he stopped wiping a tear for his eye.
"Oh, it's fine, Tali. He asked how long until I expected you to take my job. I told him about two weeks, and he told me that he expected my resignation by then."
She stiffened, she hadn't wanted to take the man's position, she tried to speak in protest, but he started to laugh again. "Tali, we're joking, I assure you. Though I don't doubt you'll know more than me about these engines soon."
He entered a few commands in his terminal before turning back to her, "he also told me to make sure that if anyone gives you trouble to let him know." His hands then found each other behind his back and his posture straightened before he spoke again. "We're a team here, Tali. You let me know, or you let Shepard or Chakwas know, we'll handle it. And I wouldn't worry about potential retribution, having a Spectre in your corner is quite the advantage."
"T-thank y-you," was all she managed before finding herself analyzing the diagnostic that had just finished. Even with the comfort of the ship's layout and the test readings her mind still wandered.
She hadn't expected to feel how she did, before he came down and apologized, she had expected their relationship to be a frigid stalemate. But now it was different he was a friend, someone she was slowly beginning to trust, someone she wanted to get to know on a personal level. A person she was willing to talk to and share her own thoughts, opinions, memories.
She chuckled to herself, her eyes reading the various reports on the core's efficiency. She wondered if he'd want the same, to allow her to be his friend, to let her learn about him like she was willing to do.
It would take time, she was sure, but in the end, she was sure it'd be worth it.
Mess hall, MFV Apollo, January 13th, 2185, 01:23 Rannochian Solar Cycle (RSC)
He tore the package apart, the crinkling of plastic interspersed with the near-constant chattering of marines. The plastic stretched and much like his patience it wore thin. He hated prepackaged meals, the taste, the texture, it was abysmal. He threw the meal on the table, drawing the attention of the marines.
"Did you need a knife, commander?" Prazza reached for the sheathed blade at his calf, but Shepard shook his head, "it's fine, it'll open eventually." He looked at the ration, steak, and potatoes with a sauce he wasn't excited to sample. But it had been almost two years, he needed, no wanted, to be able to eat to chew his own food despite how disgusting it was likely to be.
He continued pulling at the corner of the container until the snap of the plastic exposed what was inside, the smell of artificial meat filling his nostrils. He gagged, drawing several laughs from the table. "I'm glad that our nutrient pastes at least don't taste or smell like anything," Prazza chuckled. "It was all we had, I'm sorry," he said with a slight shrug.
He dipped the fork into the bag capturing his reluctant first bite, drawing the food into his mouth. His brow furrowed with his face contorting into a grimace that spoke volumes to the taste of the ration, but he soldiered through, he was famished and considering his biotic performance it wouldn't be enough.
With the finished product now resting on the table, he stood and bid farewell to the marines, not willing to plod through another ration despite his own hunger. He decided to visit Lena in the medical bay to get to know her and ask her of potential precautions he'd need to follow if staying on the Fleet long-term.
All he knew about the quarian woman was that she was Tali's closest friend, to the point of being viewed like a sister, and that she was a doctor. If he'd be spending significant time around Tali like he expected to she'd likely be there, so getting to know the closest friend of one of his own seemed like a logical decision.
"Hey, Lena. How's she doing?" The mechanical whir took the woman by surprise, as did the Khelish-speaking human man.
"She's alright. I gave her a sedative so she wouldn't have to endure the pain for the entirety of the trip. Last I checked we're in the Valhallan Threshold now, or at least the live-ships are, so we've got quite the journey ahead."
She saw he hadn't looked at her but had maintained his gaze on the purple-clad quarian on the medical bed. She had known Tali's own feelings for the man in front of her for quite some time. Tali had explained in full detail that she had developed feelings she hadn't been able to understand; a warmth when he was with her, a gnawing at her psyche to be with him, a near obsession that required his own presence to abate, an incredible need to comfort him when he was upset.
It was when the man died, and Tali returned to the Migrant Fleet and chose a new ship, a new crew that she understood these true feelings that Tali herself hadn't quite understood. A depression overwhelmed her, it waned as time progressed, but it still plagued her mind, latching on to her mind like a parasite. It was like those who had lost a bondmate, there was an unwillingness to continue or contribute beyond what was expected. Her best friend, her sister was heartbroken and while she had doubted that Tali had experienced felz'elt, the grief and separation of souls that was associated with the loss of a bondmate, she knew her grief was immense. Tali herself might not have bonded with Shepard to the full extent, but the signs were there, for quarians such grief, such pain wasn't experienced otherwise.
Her thoughts were broken by a piercing wail, a keening cry she had heard countless times before in the late stages of the night cycle. A tortured soul calling for their mate, the soul of which was within a meter of the crying woman. His reaction though was not what she had expected, he appeared unmoved and unwavering, but his eyes expressed a sorrow that she herself had not seen before, a helplessness that spoke to his own unknown feelings.
The wailing continued, Shepard's name echoing through the room between unanswered calls to return to her. These nightmares were not a rarity for Tali, she had found she experienced them frequently at least once or twice a week. She hadn't told her this as she had assumed that Tali either hadn't remembered the horrid dreams or that she simply wished to not speak of them, wanting to suffer in silence despite her willingness to listen to her friend's troubles.
"Do these happen often, Lena? What causes them?" She looked at his pained expression with her own, she had wanted to tell the true extent, the meaning behind such a violent attack, but she settled on a half-truth.
"She gets them about once or twice a week. As for the cause…" she paused, considering her response, "quarians process emotional trauma differently. When we experience the loss of a close friend, or a mate, our mind often relays that loss through our dreams. She hasn't told me about them, but several studies on the subject show these dreams start as pleasant memories from the friendship or what we call a bond." She took a calming breath, hoping he hadn't insinuated from her telling of the phenomenon what she had wanted to avoid, that Tali's own feelings for the man would be exposed.
"I see. Humans are similar in that regard; a lot of our trauma is processed in dreams. It's…I'm familiar with night terrors." A knowing look now appeared in his eyes, "I know I'd be devastated if I lost her, and I'm sure you would be, too. It makes sense," he sighed solemnly. She hadn't told him though, that while she would in fact be crushed by Tali's death, she would not experience such a trauma response instead she just nodded her head in agreement.
She then saw the man stand and adjust the railing on the side of the bed, struggling slightly based on the sound of creaking aluminum. He then lifted her from the bed and sat down where she once laid, adjusting himself so that now the injured woman laid on top of him, her arms now encircling him. He rubbed her back soothingly, his gloved hand catching on the leather of her suit hoping that she found comfort in the gesture.
The answer to that thought came when a purr filled the room, baffling her and confirming what she had thought previously, that Tali viewed Shepard as her mate. While she wasn't sure about the specifics, or whether a full bond had taken place, that sound emitting from Tali's vocal output was unmistakable. It was a female quarian reflex one designed with a dual-purpose, the first to showcase pleasure in the actions of a mate, whether it be from joining or a loving embrace. The other was a comforting reflex, meant to assuage the fears of a mate who thought they were hurt or upset.
Shepard's chuckling now filled the room, pissing her off but brushed it off. Tali might have taught him to speak the language and told him about various aspects of their culture, but it was clear he hadn't known the significance of the purr coming from her.
"We have an animal on Earth, you call it Terra, called a cat," the word was spoken in English as there was obviously no Khelish equivalent, "they make this sound when they're content. I imagine it's similar with quarians, no?"
He wasn't far off, and if she was honest with herself, and based on the pictures in her heads-up display these animals appeared quite like the creatures that quarians had evolved from on Rannoch. She shook her head of the thought, "yes, it's a noise meant to show our happiness. It's called heel'rou and it's a sound that quarian women make."
He threw her a puzzled look but shrugged it off. He hadn't asked further questions, a fact for which she was thankful for as she was convinced, she wouldn't have able to avoid telling him that he was the sole cause and recipient.
"I'm falling asleep, Lena. Should I move, or would Tali be fine like this? I don't want to injure her further," concern now filled his voice, but she waved her hand. "Like I said, she's fine. A pinched nerve, and significant bruising. I doubt she has any fracture like the scan said, but we'll see once we're back on the Fleet."
He yawned, "okay, that's fair. Let me know when we're approaching the Fleet, if possible. I'd like to meet the captain before we reach Fleet." She smiled, despite the fact it was hidden behind her visor, "our captain is lying on top of you right now, Shepard. And technically, according to quarian law and tradition, the next highest ranking superior officer takes her place while she's unable to perform duties. Can you guess who that is?"
He shrugged, "I assume Prazza? He seems more than capable, or is it another one of the marines I spoke with earlier?" She shook her head, "it's you. And before you say it, our laws and traditions don't specify whether that official must be quarian, and to be hones you outrank Tali," she shrugged "so captain," she let the word draw out teasingly, "what are your orders?"
He groaned, "continue charting course for the Valhallan Threshold, Lena. Commanding officer Prazza has the deck until either Tali or me is awake." She gave a deep bow, "of course, captain. I will inform him of the order at once."
"Funny, Lena. Funny. Now, let me sleep."
She laughed, "of course, captain." She left the room taking one last look at the pair, the rustling of the sheets heard while Shepard settled further in, with Tali nuzzling her helmet into his neck. She couldn't help but grin. Her best friend had now found happiness once again, her soul finding it's once lost half. She didn't how it was done, she just knew she was glad that by the Ancestors grace he had returned, his own soul, knowingly or not, returning to its true home.
Medical bay, MFV Apollo, January 13th, 2185, 09:46 RSC
She woke with a stiffness in her back, but her legs offered slightly more movements than they allowed earlier. She attempted to shift her position but found herself unable to move, held in place by strong, muscular arms. Slowly her eyes opened and looked at her surrounding's, she wasn't in the captain's cabin but in the medical bay that she knew for certain, but she questioned the arms enveloping her in a tight embrace. She peered above her and saw the closed eyes of Shepard, her Shepard, his mouth agape and light snore emanating from his nostrils. She giggled and nestled further into him, her heel'rou resuming unbeknownst to her.
The silence of the room was comfortable, his breathing, the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest offering a sense of serenity she hadn't known for years. Her soul was now complete welcoming the presence of the once lost half, a nearly two-year grief, loneliness, that ended the previous night on the abandoned human colony. She had lamented the loss of the human colony, had been grateful that Veetor had been found, but neither compared to the sheer bliss, the unrestrained euphoria she felt being held by him.
She now heard and felt her own heel'rou, a constant rumbling in her chest that reminded her of the happiness that she was coursing through her. She closed her eyes again, hoping to fall asleep in the embrace of the man she loved, of course, nothing went as planned.
"Captain," Prazza entered the room, his hands clasped behind his back, but upon seeing her and the commander sleeping together quickly made towards the exit, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt a private moment." It was then that she realized that despite the certainty of her own feelings she hadn't known how the man who held her felt, despite his tight, comforting hold on her.
She disregarded the anxiousness that now replaced her happiness and addressed Prazza, "what do you want, Prazza?" She growled, pissed that the man had interrupted her precious moment. "I," he cleared his throat, still unsure on how to proceed since she had not moved from the man's embrace, "came to inform you that we are nearing the Fleet, we are a little more than three hours from the Rayya."
"Thank you, Prazza. Inform the admirals and the Rayya's captain that we are housing a refugee, do not inform them of the Cerberus affiliation, at least not yet. I will do that in person," she trailed off thinking of the potential consequences.
Prazza nodded and left, leaving her with her thoughts. It was a maelstrom each thought coming without reprieve, causing her heightened anxiety to worsen. She attempted to leave the bed but found that her position and her physical ailment prevent her from leaving. A swell of tears fell from her eyes, her own breathing becoming rapid and uncontrolled, while the scenarios of Shepard's eventual departure swirled in her head.
She found herself once again enveloped in a tight embrace, one that was accompanied by the soothing circles being rubbed into the small of her back, and while her sobbing continued, she found that she had calmed the once fleeting thought escaping.
When her sobbing stopped, she was relieved that the embrace hadn't, with Shepard continuing to hold her flush against him. He gave her time to recompose herself before he spoke, "I'm sorry, Tali. I didn't mean to cause this."
Of all the things he could have said she had not expected that, to place the blame of her own emotional outburst on himself. "Shepard, why do you think you're the cause? You have done nothing wrong, in fact you've done more than enough."
"Have I, Tali?" He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, "I died, Tali. And then I come back into your life assuming it's all the same? I awaken a trauma response in you that caused you to scream my name, and now I'm holding you and breaking an insane amount of your cultural taboos. I'm lying here holding you, and I didn't even think to ask you if you were okay with it." He went to get off the bed, but she held him firm, wrapping her arms tightly around him and locking her toes around his ankles.
She couldn't help but laugh, "Shepard it's okay, there's no taboo's being broken. And I'm certainly fine with being held by one of my closest friends, which I'm assuming you only did because of the nightmare I was having, right?"
He nodded, "yes. I used to have them a lot, humans call them night terrors, centered on losing my mother. She'd found out and whenever I had one, she'd lie with me and hold me until I woke to make sure she was the first person I saw. Lena mentioned that quarians react like this when losing a close friend, so my returning forced your subconscious to think I wasn't here and thus you had a nightmare."
She smiled, it was a sweet thought to offer her comfort in such a manner but also understood his own misgivings. She had once told him that light touches on ones person, or even casual embraces, were reserved for close friends and bondmates, he must have thought he was forcing this on her.
It couldn't have been farther from the truth. And in her eyes, he was one of her closest friends and confidants, and if she was honest with herself, she saw him as much more than that.
"I appreciate it, Shepard. I do, you can let go now, I'm fine. I promise," her smile held a cheery lilt despite her own reluctance to release from him. She shifted allowing him to slide off the bed and into the chair next to her.
"So, now that you're feeling better. Can we talk about a few things?" Her heart began to beat heavily in her chest, a growing pressure that was making her feel light-headed, "what's there to talk about Shepard?" She shifted uncomfortably in the bed. "Tali, Lena told me that I outrank you, and therefore I'm captain of the ship now, is that true or was she lying?"
She let out a breath of relief, "yes, you are, at least for now. Han or Shala might want to use you, though, so it might be permanent…" He cocked his head the side, "wait, you're saying they'd make me a captain? I'm not even quarian, Tali. How would that even work?"
"You…you were granted quarian citizenship posthumously for 'considerable contributions to the fleet.' It was considered a pilgrimage gift and the Conclave granted you that status…the first non-quarian since after the Geth war…" She took a steadying breath, "it allowed for us to pay for docking fees for much needed repairs, to restore our food reserves, for new weapons for the marines."
Her nervousness returned, the fiddling of her fingers occurring at a rapid pace while the silence grew, but he eventually responded and to her relief it was positive. "Tali, I'm honored, I am. But I didn't donate those funds because I was expecting something in return, I did it because of what you told me in our first conversation. Your people struggle, and I wanted to alleviate that pressure. I don't want to be viewed as some kind of savior, expecting favors."
"I know Shepard, I know. But it helped immensely, and you won't, and you aren't, trust me. There are some who thought we didn't need the donation of a human, that we could survive without it. But obviously they readily accepted the aid if it helped their own ships."
He hummed in agreement, "seems to always work like that, even in societies like yours that praise duties above all else, there's selfishness and hypocrisy." She nodded, "yes, selfishness is paramount to us, but there are those who find it burdensome despite our circumstances."
He nodded his agreement, then a quiet settled between the two, a comfortable lull in their conversation. She settled into the bed missing the warmth that had surrounded her. Rather than focus on what wasn't there she proceeded to close her eyes, intent on resting until they docked with the Rayya.
"I should probably call Barla Von and see how much money I have left, I might need it at some point. Should call the Alliance, too. Anderson, even."
She clasped her hands together on her stomach and hummed in affirmation, her eyes still shut. She wanted to continue to talk to him but found the pain in her back returning.
"Shepard, can you get Lena? I need more medication, my back is starting to bother me again."
"Of course, no problem at all," he quickly stood and made his way towards the door. "If you're awake before we arrive, I'll be in the observation deck, your company would be appreciated."
"I'll be there, Shepard. I promise." He gave her a slight bow and warm smile before leaving her alone once more.