Sad Beautiful Tragic

A/N so Tuesday I was having a panic attack and Wednesday I was planning a novel so twas a little busy to post. Plus I was in serious danger of obsessing and needed to clear my head.

Just how did I end up in Alex's bed? I hear you say. Well what I thought was a long story turned out to be not very long or complicated at all. It was a stupid, stupid mistake that I made because I was feeling lonely and rejected and like I was living my life twenty years too soon. It was unfair of Mark to push his life onto mine, but wasn't that what I'd signed up for? I thought this was going to be nothing but temporary, but now he's gone, far far away from me and it would be selfish to try and pull him back. So yeah, my life kinda sucks. The man I love is stuck in a decision of putting his child before me, and I can't do anything because technically he's making the right decision. What is the 'right thing' anyway? Life is crap. Life is all pain and fear and rejection. So I chose to ignore all of that and sleep with Alex because I thought to myself that that's what I should be doing at my age.

Apartment 501, Seattle, WA 2010 - S6E11

Lexie stood facing Mark in their small apartment kitchen. She hadn't gone into this conversation thinking their relationship wouldn't survive it. She thought they would fight for a while and then she go to bed made but his face in the morning would be worth it because then she'd apologise and the fear would go away. The fear that she wouldn't be able to handle everything, that this was too much too soon and it was all going to crumble. She was scared of rejection, scared that her life was running away with itself and hurdling into complicated territory she hadn't signed up for. But Mark was talking like some big miracle had just happened and that he was seeing things so clearly. Lexie felt like she was looking through mud.

"I am happy for you." She said, trying to make this situation somewhat better. She said that she was barely ready to live with him, and she thought maybe he would bow a little. Scoop down to her level for second and understand this from her point of view. But he thought of them as a unit. He thought of them as a couple, a collective two against the world. He wanted to make decisions together. He was forty, he'd had time to live and do all the stupid stuff people do in their twenties, but she hadn't. In her mind they were two people in a relationship, two independent people who just happened to co-habit. She loved him.

He kept saying 'us' like they were some kind of bonded, married, Meredith and Derek like unit. But they weren't. She was so scared of the love that was inside her and how that would destroy her, that she thought walking away was the right idea. In a perfect world, she chose the right decision, but this world is not perfect. And Mark chose Sloan, he chose his daughter over her and the rejection killed her a little bit because he wasn't fighting for her.

But she was tired and out of it, and in her mind this was only temporary. She could go to Mer's for a week or two and cool off, she could crawl back to him in the corner of the bar or she could wait out her love until it faded. She would go and be crazy and stupid for a week and then realise how much she missed being a grownup. So she kissed him because this wasn't goodbye, it was see you later.

Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, Seattle, WA 2010 - S6E12

The relief. The relief when Mark said he'd slept with Addison. Lexie's heart jumped a little with the shock. And the hope. Great! It no longer mattered that she'd slept with Alex and now they could just move on and get back together, because actually she didn't think she was scared anymore. She'd had time without him and it was unbearable.

But it wasn't that simple because he was looking at her like she'd just hit him with a bus. She'd broken his heart. This was permanent now. His final words, "I can't even look at you right now." Shattered her into about a million pieces. He looked utterly defeated by her. Like she'd done it now, broken them up. This wasn't about Sloan and the baby anymore, it was about her letting him down. She couldn't tell if she was angry or upset, couldn't decide whether to cry or scream at him for being sexist. She was too down on herself for that, this was her fault now. Her burden to carry, she'd broken them and now there was nothing she could do to get him back.

This was permanent.

Sometimes anger hits us when we least expect it. I walked away from her because I couldn't stand to think about what she'd done with Alex. She left me and went and did that? Did she even love me at all? Or was she biding her time? I had to go home and make dinner for Sloan and try to clear my mind. I was in shock actually, I didn't think clearly for a few hours. It felt like maybe everything had been a lie. But her face, that cute button nose face she would make in the morning when she wakes up. The way her eyes would light up the moment she opened them and saw me staring at her. That can't be a lie can it? Because I don't think I am ever going to fall out of love with her.