A big green portal appeared over the skies of Hyrule and legendary John Phoenix fell out of it and landed face-first in Hyrule Field! It did not hurt.

John Phoenix gracefully stood up and looked around.

"Hey, where am I?" said John Phoenix, but no one was around so he answered himself. "I am in Hyrule. I've been here before, but it looked completely different. How can this be so?"

John Phoenix traveled over the fields and far away to find a little settlement named Kakariko village. But Kakariko village wasn't where it was supposed to be! Where did it go?

John Phoenix looked up. What the fuck? Kakariko Village was way up in the sky!

John Phoenix had to get up there.

John Phoenix JUMPED!

John Phoenix made it to Kakariko village.

John Phoenix went to the mayor's house.

"Hey," said John Phoenix.

"Oh no he's super attractive," said the white-haired girl (I forgot her name). The white-haired girl turned into the red-faced girl and ran away faster than Dylan Fitchar!

John Phoenix was frustrated by her flusteredness so he decided to ask the old woman instead, as she was far less likely to be controlled by her hormones.

"Hey, why's Hyrule so different?" said John Phoenix.

"My if it isn't the legendary John Phoenix who saved Hyrule so efficiently back in Ocarina of Time! You're a legend that precedes even me," said Impa.

"You mean entire landmasses just float up into the sky over a matter of time?" said John Phoenix.

"Oh right, that's because the land has once again been assailed by the Evil King Ganondorf," said Impa.

"Ganondorf must be older than you so this'll be no problem," John Phoenix said with a confident smirk.

John Phoenix jumped off the floating landmass and returned to the surface, then he took off to Hyrule Castle!

"Wait John Phoenix!" said Zelda's voice from the sky. "In order to take on Ganondorf you MUST find me, and the master sword too!"

"Why do I have to find you? You're right here. And who uses swords these days? In America, we shoot people with guns."

So John Phoenix equipped a gun. He charged past all the Guardians and other evil monsters manifested by Ganondorf and rushed to the final boss, who was surprisingly young and hydrated.

"I see you have chosen to skip the four temples, John Phoenix. Neeeh heh heh heh! That shall prove to be your undoing!" said Ganondorf. Then he drank some water. "Stay hydrated btw."

John Phoenix shot him in the face!

"Nyaaagh! The great evil King Ganondorf... defeated by modern technology? Immmmpossible!"

"No, Ganondorf. Very possible. You were just a puppet. Your downfall was planned," said John Phoenix.

"What are you SAYING?" said Ganondorf.

"You were told taking over Hyrule would be easy but you were supposed to be defeated after foolishly trying to fight me. In reality, you could not give this fight your all... because you were NOT HYDRATED!"

John Phoenix pointed to his glass of water, which was not actually filled with water but a mysterious substance that looks like water but isn't!"

"The real mastermind took away your source of hydration so that you would fall in battle and so he could take control from the shadows! And that person is THERE!"

John Phoenix pointed up into the sky where Zelda was, and she said "hmph" and ripped off her mask to reveal she was DYLAN FITCHAR!

John Phoenix and Dylan engaged in an epic fight and then Dylan used the Triforce of Power to turn into a dragon just named DYLAN but John Phoenix slayed that dragon and he turned back into Dylan Fitchar.

"Damn you John Phoeniiiiiiiiiiiiix!" Dylan Fitchar ran away! Hyrule was finally saved, until Ganondorf ran away too!

"I will have my revengeance in Breath of the Wild 3! Gahahahaha!"

John Phoenix shrugged.

"Not my problem," said John Phoenix and he went home.