"It was that time again. Time for a bunch of shut-in nerds to pay for services so they can stroke their egos and burst their hopes and dreams forth into the holy womb so that it may give birth to that which the master chooses. As for me, Garterbelt, I have been placed here to moderate the entire ordeal with my sultry voice…" The gigantic black afro on top of Garterbelt's head fizzled in anger, his white robes flaring up as he slammed both of his fists on the table. "...AND TO PAY OFF MY BLACK HEAVEN'S EXPRESS CREDIT CARD DEBT! OH THE LOOOOORD~ HAVE MERCY ON YOUR THEIVIN' ASS!"

"Hey!" Panty was busy tending to her golden locks while laying provocatively over one of the many church pews. "Maybe if you want out of this, these damn 'MaStErS' should step it up!" Panty's arm fell off, flopping unceremoniously onto the ground. "Brief! What the hell did you use to put me together!"

"I'm sorry Panty." Brief, A boyish man with messy orange hair that covered his eyes, apologized. "I did my best but, well, there are 666 pieces of you and all I had was elmer's glue."

"Chuck. Chuck. Chuck." A little green dog with zippers all over its body was getting ready to steal Panty's arm.

"ELMER'S GLUE!?" Panty shouted, using her free arm to punch Chuck clear across the room. "Dammit! How am I supposed to give blowjob if my mouth falls apart at first contact?! ARRGH! This is the worst!"

C

H

U

C

K

!

CRASH

"It was all we could afford! Those cheap incompetent mages!" Garterbelt put his face in his hands. "Six grail wars in and no winners! I cannot BEEE-LEIVE we're doing this again!"

"Well if it makes you feel better Garterbelt sir, I've obtained the list of combatants from the demon sisters so we can go over them if you want." Brief held up a sheaf of papers contained in a manilla folder with a heavenly arrow imprinted upon its cover.

"No it does not! But since you brought those skanks up I suppose it's time to put them to work." Garterbelt twisted a candle on the altar and a secret hatch slid open in the church's floor. Beyond was a massive stone passageway laden with all manner of traps and hidden monsters, all of which Garterbelt avoided triggering with relative ease.

Panty, who was reattaching her arm with the help of Brief and his glue, only looked more irritated. "Agh! Let's just leave them down here! It's not like they're allowed to leave anyways."

"I'm more than content to leave them in this dark dank hole too, but I need to keep them up to date and in check. They may be doin' their job but I'm afraid they're doin-" Garterbelt stopped talking as two voices started to echo through the hallway.

"Ooooo~ Sister! Those incense oils are truly a treasure! Make sure to be soft behind my horns, you know I'm sensitive."

"Anything for you sister dearest~ You know I would brave even the deepest, darkest, moistest caves for you. Oh~ What is that?"

"A little spelunking equipment sister. I found it in-"

"OH SWEET BABY LORD JESUS CHRIST GRANT ME THE STRENGTH TO NOT MURDER THESE HOES!" Garterbelt burst into the inner sanctum. The entire circular space had been redecorated into an orderly bedroom draped in evenly spaced red cloth and copious amounts of perfectly spaced nude paintings, heavily organized wardrobes, and the cleanest desks on the planet. The demon sisters were both on the only bed alarmed and even more red than usual. Garterbelt stomped up to them and slammed his bible against their faces so hard a cross imprinted itself upon them. "KEEP YOUR DIRTY INCESUOUS DEMON HANDS OFF THE HOLY IMPLIMENTS!" The priest snatched the holy string of prayer beads from them.

In a flash both Scanty and Kneesocks had donned their uniforms and stood at attention, every other aspect of their being disheveled. "Sir! We were just… Uh…" Kneesocks began.

"Testing our seduction skills. It's much easier to defeat the enemy when they're already down on their knees." Scanty finished.

"Oh heavens! You lie just as much as the angels." Garterbelt crossed his arms, looking as stern and imposing as he could. He then pulled a rope that had sprung from the ceiling and popped up an entire contract scrawled in blood. "Listen here, demons. Season 2 isn't out and we need something to occupy ourselves, so that means we're working together to protect this holy grail."

"I don't see how th-" Kneesocks started.

"SHUT IT!" Garterbelt yelled, pulling out a magnifying glass. "You read the text every goddamn night so I know you know these words inside and out. It says here: NO FUCKING ON THE JOB!"

"Sir! The grail war hasn't even started yet!" Scanty replied. "By technicality we're not on the job yet!"

"And it also says here: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!" Garterbelt used the magnifying glass to smash Chuck into a paste on the floor as the little dog attempted to eat the contract. "By technicality. Lord have mercy. Mages don't rest and neither should we! If they find out the grail is sitting below my church the mage will level it! I'm already broke as is. It can't be allowed to come to pass. If anyone who isn't me for Brief comes down here send them to the lord."

"What about Panty?" Scanty asked, looking behind Garterbelt.

"Like I give a shit." Garterbelt answered.

Brief had walked in holding the top half of Panty. She looked absolutely fuckass mad, her teeth grinding at the mere sight of the sisters. "Sorry for lagging behind. Panty tried to run and lost her legs."

Both Scanty and Kneesocks immediately converged on the crippled angel.

"Awww poor Panty! And to think she actually took pride in that dismal little thing she calls a body." Kneesocks grinned. "Though I dare say it's an improvement!"

"I agree, dear sister. Only an ignoramus would take interest in such a repulsive woman." Scanty's chuckle became cruel. "Don't worry Panty. If you remove all the glue and become a pile on the floor again you might achieve some semblance of being presentable."

"Panty…" Brief tried to warn her but Panty was already transforming her panties into a pistol and aiming it at her aggressors.

"Oh ho ho! Just wait until I get some gorilla glue! I'll climb down that cum-drain and make you eat those words!" Panty growled, then smiled as she noticed a panty-shaped outline on Scanty's face. "Nice scar by the way. Happy I could help."

"Why you…" Scanty tightened her fist, giving Panty a death glare.

"Just don't get it in your hair. I know you're dumb enough to do it." Garterbelt said, then turned back to the demon sisters. "The mission starts NOW! Show the lord or satan or whatever that you mean business!"

"Right!" Both of the sisters struck a pose, their uniforms being replaced with full on black leather BDSM gear. They slowly and sensually removed their undergarments, transforming them into scythes and revolvers respectively. "Break o' Earth. Dry up o' sea. Burn out o' sun. Grant us power Earthly leaders and gatekeepers of Hell. Guide us makers of the underworld. We are High Class Demon Commanders! The task laid before us will be completed with duty and grace befitting such a station!"

"Good! Now I need to attend a party for the United States fucking government. See you in a bit." Garterbelt began to walk back down the hallway.

"Wait seriously? A government party? Ugh! They're all gonna be prudes!" Panty complained.

"Look on the bright side Panty. You'll at least be going somewhere and we can get you some proper glue." Brief walked Panty over to her detached legs.

"I'd rather not be glued together in the first place." Panty grumbled, popping her legs back on and getting up.

"Speaking of which, is there any mention of Stocking in that report Brief?" Garterbelt asked.

"No. She's sti-"

"AHHHH! I miss that diabetic! I just want to pretend it didn't happen!" Panty grabbed Garterbelt by the leg. "Please make it not cannon! Please! It's the worst!"

"Ok forget I asked." Garterbelt kicked Panty off. "Alright Brief. Who's still kicking?"

Brief opened the folder and began searching through it, a wide smile crossing his face. "You'll be happy to know that Jack is still around. I can't believe he made it through all six grail wars! This'll be his seventh, and it looks like he's become a master for this one."

"Hmmm. Good. The battlefield could use his wisdom. Who's the summon?" Garterbelt asked.

"Looks like a berserker. All I've got in the info page is this weird T symbol. I think the folder expects me to just know who this is but that's really unrealistic." Brief scratched the back of his head. "But Jack's not the only holdover from past wars. Yoshkoge Kira is still… Making people go missing." Brief looked a little disturbed.

"Of all the survivors, why did it have to be a serial killer." Garterbelt shook his head in disappointment.

"Tell me about it! I presented all of THIS…" Panty gestured to all of herself. "...But all he wanted to touch was my hands! He's a real freak, and I'm not talking about the good kind. I'm talking about the white van and candy kind."

"Maybe he's just into hand holding?" Brief suggested.

"Barf! Vanilla shit! That's sappy as fuck!" Panty rolled her eyes.

"Well… I think hand-holding is cool." Brief said, a little taken aback.

"Off topic. Who's next?" Garterbelt asked.

"About that… It says all servants for the US Government have been summoned. I thought this was all about mages and secret wars." Brief looked confused.

"Correct, until now. See in the pursuit of power the mages blew up one to many buildings and fucked things up so bad that everyone found out about magic. Turns out everyone on the planet isn't blind, and now the grail is a hotly contested international issue. Looks like World War Three is brewing out there and while I don't know what's gonna happen, I do know that the next grail war is gonna be fought with the sticks the mages have up their asses. Preferably vibrating ones." Garterbelt smirked.

Brief began to panic. "B-But that means we'll be seeing normal infantry and tanks going up against servants and nukes!"

"Yes. Death on a scale never before seen! But relax, no one actually cares. We're just here to see who's gonna bring the smack down. " Garterbelt confirmed.

"And… And this brings up SO many timeline issues." Brief pointed out.

"The Fate universe is one BIG timeline issue!" Garterbelt yelled to the ceiling before turning to place a gentle hand on Brief's shoulder. "So don't worry about it. God will sort it out."

"I hope so sir." Brief sighed. "I still haven't even figured out why we're here. We don't even have servant classes."

"To pay off my credit card debt! I thought I went over this." Garterbelt grunted.

"But that's not consistent at all with the rul-"

"Boy! Stop askin' so many questions when none of them matter!" Garterbelt snapped. He then opened the front door of the church and walked out into the cool night. "Panty!"

Panty, who had been sleepwalking due to all the talking, awoke and whistled. See Through, a pink hummer driven by Chuck, screamed down the road to park abruptly in front of them. "All right! Road trip! Hey can we stop at a motel along the way?"

"Curb your sinful urges and climb in. We're kicking off this grail war with champagne. Hit up that towering mansion at kickass avenue Chuck!" Garterbelt jumped into the truck and watched in pain as Brief had to help Panty get in as to ensure she didn't leave bits of herself behind. "And pass a hardware store on the way! We need Panty in tip-top shape." He then rolled his eyes. "Whatever that looks like."

"Hey are those anal beads?" Panty raised an eyebrow, finally noticing what Garterbelt was holding.

"HOLY PRAYER BEADS!" Garter pocketed the beads as they speed haphazardly down the road and into the city at unreasonable speeds. "Oh lord… If only I was allowed to die!"