Thank you once again to Debbie, she gave me the idea to write far more than I was going to. Plus she came up with the title. Thank you
Sorting their worlds out.
"I'd like to see you" he said as soon as she picked up the phone "that is if you want to…before you go?"
"Yes. Please. I'd like that." She sat down on the edge of her bed. Her small room was now surrounded with pieces of kit, half packed, half needing to be packed. Her life and her barrack room she realised were all a little bit of a mess. She was pleased he'd called though and she wanted him to know that. "I'd really really like that."
"How are you?" He asked. He hesitated. He needed to know because he hadn't seen or heard from her in two days.
They had last been in each other's company at the funeral. The hard, gut wrenchingly painfully funeral where they both mourned…. separately. There was little time for them. They had only managed a few moments. It was then, as they found themselves alone, that she had told him she was going back out on tour. He'd expected it, though not so soon, and he had struggled to reply. To reply with honesty. Both a little to overcome with grief to continue the conversation any further, and both said no more. So, they separated.
No more plans were made, and no more conversation was to be had. Molly quickly called away by Smurf's family, to a place where he didn't feel very welcome, and so they just went down different paths. His walked alone and riddled with guilt. Filled with doubt. She hadn't pushed or included him. He feared having just found her, he was now losing her.
She had seemed stronger than he'd ever seen her before, stronger without him. He wanted so much and he wanted it all with Molly, and to hear that she was leaving made him fear he'd never have any of it. And so, standing alone, he just didn't know what to do. He hadn't known what to do for days, until he realised there was potentially nothing to do. That was why it had taken him two days to call her. To give her space. To hope that his absence in her life hurt, like hers did in his.
"I guess I'm fine" she replied with a heavy sign. "Just everything's shit." Molly heard him laugh. It was cut short though.
"That Molly is a bloody understatement."
Doubt now filled her brain. "You ain't regretting it are you?" The words tumbled out of her mouth. She didn't want to know if he was regretting it, yet she wanted to face the truth. Living in a happy ignorant bubble was not an option anymore.
"What?"
"Do you regret it?" She asked again.
"Yes" he said simply "I regret everything. I regret fucking up. I regret Smurf seeing us. I regret that emotions got the better of me when I should have known better. I regret getting shot, and I regret Smurf dying the way he did." He then took a big deep breath and he needed to be totally honest. "But I don't regret us. No matter what happens. No matter what you say. I never will regret us."
She let out a gentle sob of happiness and relief. "Me neither" she managed softly. There was silence between them for a while and then she was the brave one. "When can I see you?"
"Tomorrow, the day after, anytime" he said instantly "I'm free for you whenever." Joy pushed a smile to his face. She wanted to see him.
"Tonight?" She asked pitifully and not too confident of a positive reply. Her barracks were several hours away from where he was staying at his parents, she didn't know logistically how it could be achieved even if he wanted to. All she knew was she needed to see him.
"I'm still unable to drive. So, the cars out" he said apologetically, and she thought that would be the end of her request. "But" he continued, "I'll get myself to yours, somehow, someway. If that's what you want?"
"No, that's not what I want." She had had time to think about it. "I don't want you coming here."
"Oh? Well, my parents are back home" he said regretfully and confused. "We won't have any privacy Molly."
"Ok. It's just I don't want you here cause I don't want this to be about the Army. I want it to be just us… alone. No Army. No parents."
He paused "So where?"
"Halfway?" She offered. "I could get a train halfway. Maybe you could too? I mean if you want to?"
"Course I bloody want to" he said a little bit too sharply. "All I've been thinking about. All I wanted. You." His voice now relaxed and comforting.
"Yeah, me too." She let out a small chuckle. "Ditto."
They were happy and quickly came up with a plan. They worked out somewhere accessible, halfway between Aldershot and Bath. Knowing that it would take them several hours to get there. Knowing it was late in the evening. Knowing nothing mattered; it was just simply what they had to do.
"Call me when you're on the train" he asked "and anytime in between if you can." She agreed and for the first time in days he said the words he needed her to hear once again. "Love you."
"I know. I will." That was all.
He needed her to say the words too but knew they didn't come as easy to her as to him. He'd wait until she felt ready to say them. He didn't push. Hoped though he would hear them. "I'll meet you at the station. I'll book a hotel. We'll go there together."
"Thank you" she needed somebody else to take control. Her heart still too soft and bruised from all that had gone on over the past couple of weeks. She knew she loved this man, but still struggled with the words. Still hadn't, couldn't say them. "How long?"
"Two, three hours maybe. Trains are frequent." Was his reply. She knew he was planning as he spoke.
"No. I know that. I mean how long? How long should I pack for?" She suddenly felt shy. Having to ask him how long he wanted to spend with her seemed wrong.
"One night, two? For the rest of the week? As long as you want Molly. As long as you need."
His enthusiasm settled her. "There's stuff to do here. I can't be way too long. I ship out this time next week." She breathed quietly. "So much to do. I don't honestly know how I'm going to put my foot on the plane, and leave. I don't know how I'm going to do it." She started to cry.
"Hey…. come on." He was unsure how he'd let her leave too. "In three hours, we'll be together, and then we'll talk about it. It'll be fine." He lied but still took charge. He waited a moment. "And then if you want, I'll come back and help you pack. Help sort it all out."
"You don't mind?
"Helping? No."
"But you have your rehab residential coming up. Next week. You can't miss that." Both knowing that as she stepped out onto the plane, he'd be miles away working on his recovery. They wouldn't even have a proper goodbye.
"I could delay it" he was bargaining.
"No" she was definite. "It's too important."
"I just want to be with you Molly."
"Me too. But you need to go." Silence hung between them. "It's just been so hard these past few weeks. You, me, Smurf. Everything. Sometimes I just can't work it out in me nut."
"I guess we'll never understand why it had to happen, but what we do know is where you're going, and you know and I know that you need this." And then he hesitated "And you know that I'll be here waiting for you when you come back."
"Thank you" was her reply. Choked with the emotion of his promise, but not brave enough to give one back. "See you soon."
And then she was gone.
She spent precious moments looking around her room. Unsure what to pack for her time with Charles. Then suddenly she gave up. Snapping into action. Nothing mattered. Not anymore. Not with him. She knew whatever she took, even if it was just toothpaste, toothbrush, and a spare pair of knickers like she did for their first date, it was more than enough. It didn't matter. If she needed more clothes, she would buy them there, what mattered was she was going to be with Charles.
The hours passed in anticipation and activity. The watch on her wrist check and re-check. Finally, the hour came. It wasn't romantic. It wasn't spectacular. It was simply her standing alone, constantly looking at the station's arrival board, waiting for his train, and finally spotting him limping down the platform. She smiled and loved him that little bit more when she noticed his overnight bag was just as small as hers. She knew he couldn't carry anything heavy and he would've packed all that he could, and that he would have packed in as much of a hurry as she. Seeing one another was all that mattered to them both.
He reached her, jubilantly, and pulled her into a hug. "I've missed you" kissing her gently on the head. Please that instantly her arms came around him and held onto him tightly. She was still his…. for now, at least.
"Missed you too" she said as she breathed in the warmth, and now familiar smell of him. She raised her head back slightly to look at him. "Are we crazy? Doing this?"
"No. Not crazy."
And that was all she needed. Him and his strength.
He then bent down to pick her bag up as well as his own, which had slipped off his shoulder. She let him carry them. She didn't have the energy in her to argue her independence. Instead, she allowed him to sling his spare arm over her shoulder, pull her in closer as they walked towards the taxi rank.
He quickly disclosed their destination.
"I knew you'd get us into a Travelodge somehow" she giggled.
Soon they had checked in and made their way to their room. Pleased they had the next three nights together.
She sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, and he followed. She felt nervous. She watched him as he reached into his bag pulling out Marks & Spencer's tins of gin and tonic. "They aren't chilled." He apologised handing her one.
"It doesn't matter" she said while gratefully accepting the Dutch courage.
"I was waiting for you to call" as she finished her first mouthful. Shuffling herself up the bed. Happy that he followed her without any request. "I was desperate for you to call."
He opened his arms and she fell into them. "You could've called me." He said. "It's allowed. But I understand why you didn't."
"I just didn't know about Sam. If he'd be there. I knew you were having some time with him, and then after the funeral I didn't know if you would want to speak to me."
He moved down the bed, pulling her with him. They were now lying next to each other, side by side. "Believe me Molly, I will always want to hear from you. Nothing, and I mean nothing would piss me off that much." He saw the relief to her face. "I knew that you'd do it. I know why you've done it. I understand. This tour, it'll be good for you. For us." He pushed a curl behind her ear. "All I ask is that you come back to me."
"Yes." Then she saw the uncertainty in his eyes. Something that she didn't see that often. "Did you think I wouldn't?" She was shocked. "I always planned on it." And he smiled.
"I'll miss you like hell. Like crazy, I don't know how I'm going let you go." He admitted with a sore brutal honesty. "But I know I have to, and now I know you'll come back to me. Then we will have the rest of our lives together."
He half expected that she would have recoiled when he mentioned something so permanent, but she didn't. She found it surprisingly lovely to hear. Permanency, something definite, something consistent. Something that she'd never had in her life. This was what he was offering her and therefore she's going to take it.
"I'd like that." Her reply made them both settled.
They stayed holding one another gently. Looking at each other. Remembering, and creating new memories.
"I know this is what I wanted, but I'm scared." A tear was rolling down her face. "What if it all goes wrong again?"
He pulled her in closer. Forehead to forehead. He was scared too. Of losing her. Of losing them. "I can't promise it won't, you know that." He wished that he could. "You have to trust the system I guess, the machine, the rules… and Lady Luck."
She smiled widely at this. "Lady Luck? You still believe in her do you?"
Instantly. "Yes." He moved slightly away, rolling onto his back pulling her with him. "She found you for me didn't she." His leg throbbed as a reminder he need his pain relief medication. "She let me come back to you."
And that was all that needed to be said. Luck had served them well before. They both needed to trust it would again.
The large sigh from him and his restlessness told her what she needed to know. She pulled away from him, hunting his bag.
"Don't chase the pain Charles" she pulled out the blister strip of pain relief. Grateful he had brought them. "You need them."
"They make me fuzzy." He admitted as he moved off the bed towards the bathroom. "I don't want to miss any time with you."
The fact though he limped to the bathroom returning with a glass of water and took the tablets she offered without further words showed her just how much pain he was in.
"Don't. I can't have you hurting cause of me." Then she caught her words. "Sorry." Knowing that her leaving would cause hurt.
He saw this instantly. Standing close and resting his hand on her shoulders. "No, you're doing what you need to do." He stiffly sat down and said quietly. "I'd do the same if I could."
She snapped her head up to look at him. "So, no more thoughts about resigning? You'll do your rehab?"
They had only touched on this subject once before, but she knew that statement in his hospital room was not what he truly wanted. "You gonna get better and stay in?"
"Yes… to staying in. Yes, to the rehab. Do you mind?"
"No." She sat down next to him. "You're Army. It's what makes you happy. I want you to be happy."
"You make me happy." He smiled as she cocked her head and raised her eyebrows at him. "But yeah, Army, that makes me happy too. Just shit timing with you going away." He needed her, but he needed the Army too. Fearful at one stage that he'd lose them both. Tonight, making decisions and being with her though had helped chase at least one of those demons away.
"Come on fella" she stood "bed" laughing as he grinned and blushed like a school boy. "I meant to sleep. It's been a long few days." She clarified.
"I know." Shaking his head as his body started to react to her offer. He still wanted reassurance that this was all real. Knowing
their time was running out. "Hold me."
"I will" and she watched him slowly undress waiting for the pain relief to kick in.
Although the relationship was new, they were comfortable. Undressing in front of each other was easy. She felt no embarrassment, he, she knew never had. Too self-confident. Yet right from their first time she too had felt no shame as she shed her clothes and watched him. Excitement and desire was all she felt, blanketed tonight by exhaustion, but she felt safe too. That was when she realised the words she found so hard to say now needed to be said.
"I love you."
He stopped half sitting, half lying, as he struggled to pull his jeans off his bad leg. Inelegant and stunned. "What?" He stared at her.
She moved towards him as he sat up. Crouching and divesting him of the troublesome trousers. "I said I love you." As she dropped the clothing on the floor.
"Molly" he reached to touch her. "I love you too."
Their time together, those three days and nights, was too short. They talked, they explored, they planned, and when the three days ended their goodbyes were painful.
He sat in the Hedley court gardens all alone.
His PT sessions for the day done. This was his free time. Had been since he had arrived. His schedule very set and very much adhered too. They had talked as often as they could, and Molly knew this was his down time, so he waited for her call.
She had one more day left before her tour began. He had wanted to spend every minute he could with her until she got on that plane, but they both knew that wasn't possible. He felt, even though she was still in the same county, that she had left already. It felt unfair that others had claims on their time.
He tipped his head back, closed his eyes to the summer's evening, and his emotions, holding onto his phone, waiting to detect the smallest vibration. An indication she was calling.
"Thought I'd find you here." The instant he heard her voice his eyes flew open.
Spinning round, unbelieving, half expecting it not to be true, but he saw her. "Molly."
He tried to scramble up to kiss her. To hold her. Yet she was too quick for his tired legs. She sat down next to him on the bench. "You didn't think I'd miss this opportunity, did you?"
He shook his head, confused, bewildered, at a loss. This wasn't what he expected, to see her one more time. "But I thought you had to be on camp tonight?" He watched her just slowly nod. "You haven't done anything silly have you?"
She chuckled. Kissing his nose, and moving into a cuddle which he gratefully gave her. "No, you daft bugger. Got a pass. Seems my new Captain is going to be a bit of a softy. Let me have an extension till ten."
"Ten. Shit that means we've got hours." He looked at his watch to confirm.
She nodded. "Yeah. Three, maybe four hours. Got myself a lift back too. Well part of the way. One of the guys I'm going with lives around here. He's doing some last minute visiting to his family and will take me back." She turned round shuffling in her seat to look at him, stroking his hair. "Seems Lady Luck, is being kind to us."
He looked back at her. Holding both sides of her head in his hands, his thumbs moving up and down across her temples. "I bloody love Lady Luck." And then he kissed her. Pulling away though all too soon, he caught the desire in her eyes as well as the fear. "How are you doing?"
"Better for seeing you" she said "but you know."
He nodded. "Yeah, I know. Excited, scared, sad, happy?"
"Yeah, all those things but times by a 1000." She attempted a weak smile. "I'm going to miss you. Going to miss everyone. And I don't want to go, but on the other hand I can't wait to get back out there." She was certain. "We just left so much still to do."
"I know" he said gently.
"I mean…. been trying to work it out. I don't want all of it" and she moved her hand between them, then looking out past his shoulders into the beautiful gardens for inspiration. "I just don't want all of what went on to go to waste. What we did out there, don't want it not to mean nothing."
He said the words slowly. "It's a job half done. You need to go out there and try and finish it. I doubt you will, it's going take more than you, but I understand that you have to try."
"You don't think I'm abandoning you, do you?" Her eyes glistened with tears.
"No" he said it very definitely. "Timing is a bit shit. Would like to have you around a bit more. However, I reckon whatever the timing was it still would be shit without you."
She seemed more relaxed, and once again, turned around half lying on him, cocooned in his embrace.
"Has it been tough today? "She asked as she knew the past couple of days had drained him. The rehab had surprised and frustrated him as it drained his energy and his resolve more than they both anticipated.
"Tough yeah, but what's the point if it isn't." He felt her head nod on his chest. "Think I just need to know that you're on the plane, that you arrived safe, and that everything is okay, then I think I'll be a bit happier."
She chuckled. "Are you wanting to get rid of me then?"
"Maybe" he went to tickle her ribs, but she grabbed his hand starting to learn some of his moves. "You know what I mean? Once you're there, settled then I'll be better. Every time I close my eyes I'll remember, appreciate what you're doing. At least that way I'll feel a bit in control over all of this."
"Know what you mean. Kind of needed to come here today. Needed to see you. Needed to know where my Charles was." She admitted.
"You're Charles?" He leaned forward and turned around. "First time you called me that."
She dipped her eyes. "Well, you are. Aren't you?"
"I am" and he hooked his finger under her chin and tipped it towards him. "I very much hope I am." He watched a grin spread as the embarrassment faded from her face. He knew declarations still sat uncomfortable with her, but he was willing to take whatever she would give. He needed to lighten the mood somewhat. "Pleased to see you dressed up for me as well." He saw the instant laughter return to her eyes as her hand smoothed over her combat fatigues. He knew she wouldn't have had time for anything else. The kit she wore now she'd probably be wearing for the next thirty-six hours or so.
She held his hand, squeezing a little bit tighter than necessary. "I'll have you know that these are my best." She dipped her head down towards boots. "Even polish these buggers for you."
He looked at them. "I think you might have missed a spot."
She stood laughing. "Come on then hop-along show me where you'll be living for the next two weeks." He struggled to stand, stiff from the day, and limited as she still held one of his hands.
They slowly walked around the gardens, explored, and talked. He showed her the communal areas and the exercise rooms. "I wish I could show in my bedroom." And then he chuckled when she raised her eyes in a teasing way. "Not like that…. I mean so you can imagine where I am. When we talk. Where I'll write my letters to you. See where I'll spend my time."
"We'll Skype. You can take a picture and send it to me. I ain't going to the moon."
They stood there by the roses, the summer song of the birds and smell of the flowers floating around them. "Feels like you fucking are." He pulled her in for a tight hug.
He felt her give a shudder as he held her. "It does." She said no more. Not for many moments. She didn't want their last goodbye to be blurred with tears and words that were choked out. "I will write. Promise. You'll write to me, won't you?"
"Yes."
"I ain't the best. My spelling is maybe not that great either. And I'm not good with words like you. Not the big ones. But I'll try."
He squeezed tighter; her head still nestled in his chest. "Doesn't matter. All I want is to hear from you. Don't care if you write on bloody toilet paper as long as you write." And then he had a thought. He held onto her arms and eased her from his chest to look at her. "You know that, I'll never judge you Molly. For spelling, where you've come from, for choices. I'll never judge."
"I know. But sometimes it's hard to believe. Everyone always has."
"Well not me. It's simple. I love you."
"Yeah, I guess you must."
"And you?" He needed her words.
"No, I'll never judge you either" she half teased, but seeing the seriousness on his face, she relented. "I love you too."
They were too close to breaking down. He drew a deep breath, straightened up and pulled his shoulders back, rubbing his hands together. "Right, think we both need a cuppa, don't you?" She looked at him and nodded. "I can't promise it will be the best cuppa you'll have, but the canteen is just over there."
They walked hand-in-hand to the canteen and settled down. "Not what I had in mind for our last day together." He looked around at the sterile room.
"For now …." she said accepting the hot cup of tea.
He looked quizzically. "For now?"
"Yes, not what you had in mind for our last day…last day…. that is…..for now. I was kind of hoping there would be some more when I got back."
Pulling out the chair opposite her he sat down quickly reaching out both hands and pulling one of hers into his. "They certainly will. Lots and lots." His thumbs stroked over her knuckles and he observed the bitten fingernails on her hands. A sign of her anxiety and stress. "So, I take the fact that you're here tonight means you've got everything sorted? Finally got everything packed away?" He released a hand to allow her to take a drink.
She slowly took the cup of tea to her lips. but not losing eye contact with him. "Yeah, everything in the bags. What you see now is what you get." And then she slowly unzipped her jacket to show him. "Learned from the best." Hidden in her inner pocket her toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. It was a little trick he had shared with her a week or so ago. Telling her that no matter how grotty, how long, how tired she felt, the ability to brush your teeth after hours of travelling, crap airport food and Army rations was one of the best tonics he could ever recommend.
He chuckled. "Pleased to see that you listen to me sometimes." And then he said more seriously. "Look after yourself Molly. Remember everything that you've been taught, and you will come back to me."
The canteen had a few people present, and they did have a degree of privacy, but breaking down whilst wearing uniform in front of a Captain was not the done thing. "Course I will" she replied.
He watched a few moments more. "What is it Molly?" He knew that night before feeling, he'd experience it so many times, and he was seeing it in Molly, but there was also something else.
She snapped up to look at him. Both of them holding the hot drinks as defences. "I have a favour." She spoke quietly.
"Go on" he nodded his head leaning closer, wanting to catch every word.
"I know you love me and that." She watched as he nodded. "And you know that when I get back, you said you still want to see me, and I still want to see you." He nodded. "Well, the thing is you know I love you?" She was struggling to get the words right.
"Molly just say it. We need to be honest." He put his cup down and waited for her to do the same, and then he held both her hands, bringing one up to his mouth momentarily to kiss. "Ask." That was his simple command.
And so, she did. "Well, I am going to be safe and all that, and I know nothing is gonna happen. Well, the thing is just in case it does. I've kind of done something and I think I should've asked you first but I haven't." The words tumbled out of her mouth. "I didn't think you'd mind." She was encouraged by his nod and smiled. "I've put you down as my 'in case of emergency' contact." And then she went silent.
He didn't react the way she thought he might. Instead he reacted in the way she hoped. Leaning in closer and pulling her arms and hands tighter towards him across the table. "Yes." That was all he said.
"Yes, you're okay with it? Or yes, you do mind I've done it?"
"Yes, I'm okay with this. Yes, it's a good idea. Thank you." Grateful she wanted a future with him as much as he wanted one with her.
"I ain't ever gonna need to use it. You know that right?" She watched him nod. "Thing is just in case, I don't want them ringing Mum. Even worse me Dad. They just wouldn't be able to understand." She drew her breath. "I know you would, and I know you'd tell them in the right way." She watched the serious grin remain on his face. He was listening to her every word, and this made her braver than she ever thought she could feel having this conversation. "I mean I've left them letters, and of course I've left instructions, but I just want you to be the one to sort it all out, to know first."
He was a soldier. It was a heart breaking conversation, and it was one no soldier ever wanted to have, but it was a conversation that every soldier being deployed had to have. Things need to be sorted, squared away, planned for the unthinkable. It was something very personal, very private and something you only wanted to share with somebody you truly loved, and she had chosen to do so with him.
"Nothing will happen." He said as much to reassure her as to reassure him.
She repeated his words. "No, nothing will happen. You're right. And I'll come back to you."
They sat in silence for a while. He just stared at her, watching her drinking her tea. "Reckon that will be the last decent cup of tea you'll get for a while." She nodded sadly. He looked at his watch, their time together was ticking by.
"I was worried." She looked at the shock on his face. "No, I don't mean because of you. I wanted to see you. I meant worried because you know what I had to ask you."
"You thought that I'd be unhappy that you put me down as your next of kin?"
"No" she said immediately. "No, just because of what it means." She bit her lower lip and took a deep breath, twisting her face slightly. "I mean it's serious ain't it? I don't mean me going away on tour, we know that's serious. But you and I. Putting it on paper. It's serious. Proper."
"Proper? What do you mean?"
She held his hands tightly. "Us it's well…. we're both in for the long haul, aren't we?"
"Well, I am" he said quietly. "I hope you are?"
"I am."
"Well that's good then, isn't it? I need you to come back to me safe and in one piece Molly" he said as he saw her look at her watch one last time. He watched as she slowly stood pushing the chair away from the table. Eyes full of un-shed tears. "So, no big goodbyes, no tears, chin up. It's three months and then we'll see each other again… three short months. You have things to do… and I have things to do." He rubbed his injured leg to highlight the point. "Three months then everything will be sorted."
She nodded and moved away from the table, still holding onto his hand as she made him spin slightly around in the chair. "I love you."
"I know" he said. "Okay, go now before I change my mind" he attempted a short laugh. "Go and be brilliant." He saw her smile waiver. "Go make some other Captain's life hell for three months" and then he heard her chuckle.
"I will…. take care." She slowly released his hand and moved away, without looking back. He suddenly shot his empty hand out and grabbed onto hers turning her around.
He then stood but did not move closer. He didn't invade her personal space, instead they still held each other's hands. "Miss me." He commanded.
She nodded. A tear escaped as she squeezed his hands for the final time. Then she released them. "Don't worry, I will."