Chapter Two: The Offering of a Lifetime
Puss In Boots found himself drowning out his disappointment in heavy cream while sitting in a tavern overlooking the Mediterranean. He knew not every job was going to go well, but losing out to an asshole like Beauchat was simply an insult to injury.
Puss looked around and noticed several attractive young female cats eyeing him. He playfully gave them a wink, causing one of them to faint.
"I love being me," said Puss to himself.
Just then, a skinny, nerdy looking monk entered the tavern, carrying a journal. The monk asked the patrons around, as if he was looking for someone. Eventually, one of them pointed to Puss In Boots. The monk shook the man's hand and made his way to Puss's table.
"Hola Padre," said Puss holding up his glass, "here to join me in the Catholic passtime?"
"No," said the monk politely.
"So what brings you here," asked Puss, "looking for me?"
"I am here to make you an offer," said the monk, "I am Brother Carlos of Madrid," he introduced himself as he placed the journal on the table and sat down, "you see, after centuries of research, the church believes to have deduced the location of an important artifact."
"What kind," asked Puss with great interest.
"In the desert east of Jerusalem, across the River of Jordan," replied Brother Carlos, "there lies an abandoned early monastery that was destroyed in the muslim conquests."
"So," replied Puss.
"Underneath it is a vast network of catacombs believed to house the cup of life," answered Brother Carlos, "the cup that caught the blood of Christ at the crucifixion."
Puss's eyes widened with awe. Every adventurer in the known world knew exactly what this monk was referring to.
"The Holy Grail," asked Puss in amazement.
"Si," replied Brother Carlos, "the one and only."
"Why are you telling me this," asked Puss, "what good would a sinner like me have to offer?"
"The church said I was on my own on this one," replied Brother Carlos, "but word is that the Fisher King wants it as well, and is assembling a task force to go retrieve it. He believes it will make him immortal and allow his armies to triumph in every battle."
"Not my problem," said Puss, knowing who Brother Carlos was referring to, preferring not to get involved, "besides, I have a family to take care of."
"I heard you don't have a family," said Brother Carlos.
"I can make one easily," joked Puss.
"You sure want people to think you are a piece of work," said Brother Carlos, "don't you?"
"Bad boys get the ladies," said Puss, "besides, I would fail any pure of heart test on the spot. Get someone else."
"Emile Beauchat has taken the Fisher King's offer," said Brother Carlos.
Puss felt rage swell up inside him at the mere mention of that name. He did not like the idea of his nemesis getting the literal Holy Grail when he had the opportunity to do so himself.
"Fuck that guy," said Puss as he stood up on the table, paw outstretched, "I'll do it for free."
"Wonderful," said Brother Carlos as he shook on it with Puss, "but can you please watch that potty mouth on the trip?"
"I'll do my best," replied Puss.
"Great," said Brother Carlos, "when can I meet your team."
Puss thought about that. He was not exactly a team player, but he did know a few people (and animals) that could help him on a treasure hunt this big.
"I know someone who might be in town."
—-
Puss walked up to the Litter Box Club, where there was a line of cats wrapped around the block. He could already hear the loud music echoing from a block away. Behind him was Brother Carlos.
"Are you sure we'll find your friend here," asked Brother Carlos.
"No," said Puss, "but it's a good place to try." Puss walked up to the bouncer, who recognized him immediately and let him in. "Sorry Padre," said Puss, "cats only."
Brother Carlos said nothing as Puss entered the club, deciding to wait outside for his companion to come back out.
Inside, Puss noticed that the club had gone through quite a few changes. Gone were the old days of the dance fights and the hole in the wall atmosphere. Instead, flashing, colored lights illuminated the club to a techno beat, while many cats danced provocatively.
Puss looked towards one of the tables, and saw a cat snort a whole line of catnip while his friends cheered him on.
"They really let this place go," muttered Puss to himself.
"Puss," called out a familiar, female voice.
"Just who I wanted to see," thought Puss as he turned to the source. He found himself confronted with Kitty Softpaws.
"Kitty," he said with his arms outstretched.
"Puss," she said as she came in for a hug, "how've you been?"
"About the same," said Puss, "traveling town to town getting paid and getting laid. You know," he continued, "being myself. How about you?"
"I've been kind of lonely without my partner in crime," said Kitty, "I was wondering if you have forgotten about me."
"No, Senorita," said Puss, "I have just been busy."
"Riding other chicas like a horse," retorted Kitty. Puss chose not to respond to that, as there was no good answer.
"I actually came here because of an exciting new job opportunity," said Puss.
"How about you share a dance with me first," said Kitty, "then we can talk business."
(Background music: Livin La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin)
Kitty dragged Puss onto the dance floor, which immediately cleared out.
"You know," said Kitty, as she held onto Puss, "you're actually almost as good as you think you are."
Puss said nothing as he dipped her down, with his arms outstretched.
"You mischievous ginger," said Kitty, gazing into Puss's emerald eyes.
"You bad kitty," said Puss as he pulled her back up and twirled her around.
The dance then shifted to a more flamenco style as the two felines continued to talk dirty to each other.
"You know," said Puss "they don't call you 'Kitty Softpaws' for nothing."
"I know," said Kitty in response, before holding up Puss' belt and sword.
"How did you," said Puss, baffled.
"Soft paws," said Kitty, as she then grabbed him and led the dance.
"I could use your help on this next job," said Puss, "or at least, some of your supplemental research."
"What for," asked Kitty, "you haven't asked for my help in awhile."
"It's a big job," replied Puss, "a very big job. We'd have to leave tonight."
"How far," asked Kitty.
"Somewhere past Jerusalem," answered Puss, "and I know a guy that can take us through the desert."
"I know where this is going," said Kitty, who then broke from Puss, and then proceeded to charge to him. Puss responded with a Dirty Dancing lift. As the crowd cheered, Puss looked into Kitty's eyes, and saw the same lovable rogue that has infiltrated his rigid heart the way no other lady has.
"You'll do it," asked Puss.
"It's the Holy Grail," said Kitty as she did a mid air flip and landed perfectly on her feet, "as long as it's not a scam, I could use a change of scenery."
"Muy bien," said Puss, "then let's go."
Puss and Kitty exited the club, where they met Brother Carlos, who was still waiting on the street.
"Padre," said Puss to Brother Carlos, "this is my, uh.." he struggled to find the right word, "old acquaintance, Kitty Softpaws."
"Pleased to meet you," greeted Brother Carlos, "Miss Softpaws."
"Same," replied Kitty.
"Kitty," said Puss, "is very skilled at… many things."
"Look, my son," said Brother Carlos, "I can tell exactly what kind of relationship you two have, and that's fine."
"Oh," said Puss, "then in that case, she is my on and off significant other. But she's got skills outside the bedroom too."
Kitty facepalmed in embarrassment and Brother Carlos turned red at the unnecessary revelation.
"Can she run, fight, look for clues or know anything related to finding the Grail," asked Brother Carlos.
"Si," answered Kitty as she instinctively covered Puss's mouth.
"Good," responded Brother Carlos, "then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you.. Wait." He caught himself and muttered, "Freud was right."
"So," said Puss, "do we have a boat to catch?"
"Si," said Brother Carlos, "the boat leaves in an hour."
"Bueno," said Puss as he gazed dramatically into the middle distance, pointing his sword at nothing in particular, "then it's off to the Holy Land!"
Everyone else stood awkwardly as Puss did his hero pose.
"What are you looking at," asked Kitty, confused.
"Good question," said Puss.
—-
Author's Note: So I think this is going to be a fun story to write. It might explore some religious themes, though I promise I won't get too heavy handed, as I want to keep this enjoyable. Please share your thoughts with me, I'd love to hear what you all have to say!