Wizarding Bad

the story of how Walter and Jesse went to Hogwarts

By xXMindcraftOverlord420Xx

Chapter One

One day Walter White was hanging out with his best friend Jesse Pinkman. He was telling Jesse "Jesse! Jesse! we have to cook meth in are meth lab."

Then Jesse said "no Mr White you crustey old asshole I want to watch tv." So Jesse turned on the TV and put it on the Disney Channel which was playing the annual Harry Potter movie marathon. Jesse started to laugh and chortle a whole lot at the funny humor of the movies and was on the edge of his seat due to the high octane spell casting action on screen.

Walter said "Jesse this is a frivolous waist of time" and tried to yank out the cord of the TV. But he accidentally yanked it too hard and created a warped circuit that messed up the TV big time.

"Mr White you broke it. you anus!" said Jesse. "Bitch i was trying to watch the Harry Potter movies and now i cant watch dick!" All a sudden the TV screen morphed into a big vortex that sucked in Jesse and Walt!

"Wooooah" they both yelled. If youve seen Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure you know exactly what this was like. Except instead of back in time they got spit out of the vortex and landed outside none other than…Hogwarts School of Wizards!

"Are you fucking kidding me right now" Walter said.

"Yo Mr White! this tree is like completely crazy" Jesse said. Jesse pointed his finger up at the tree. And the tree was none other than the Whompy Willow, the big tree that beats you up. It started whacking its branches off the ground like a maniac and created 1000 earthquakes that bounced walter and jesse around like bouncy balls. "Why the fuck do they even have this tree" said Walt.

The tree tried to whack them directly over the head and send them to hell, but one millisecond before it was going to do that, walter remembered that he had a big crystal of mercury formulate in his back pocket like he used on Tuko in Breaking Bad season 1. He pulled the crystal of merculy formalate out, held it up to the tree and in a very cool voice said "this is not meth." Then he threw it at the tree and the tree exploded into a avalanche of fiery ashes and set the ground on fire for miles around.

Walter said "well jesse now that this business is done with, we have to go to hogwarts now."

Jesse said "but were not even wizards mr white, what if we dont fit in?"

Walt said "Look Jesse, we got sucked through the TV and we may never get to go home again, so we might as well make the best of it. And if anyone can help us get back through the portal its the witches and sorcererors of Hogwarts School. "

Ok" said Jesse "at least its better than working for gus fring in his dumbass math lab." So with that walter and jesse went into hogwarts through the front door.

When they got in there what did they see? I will tell you. It was the sorting hat ceremony from harry potter. The hat had just finished up putting the last student into hufflepuff or maybe ravenclaw. idk. So then when dumbledore saw walt and jesse come in he said "oh great i guess we gotta sort these guys now too huh." He didnt look pleased, in fact he looked displeased you might say. By the way he's gay. Im not making that up JK Roling said so. Im not homophobic just saying.

First was walt, he went up to get sorted by the hat. The hat instantly said "slitherin!" walt said "wait? shouldnt i be in ravenclaw since im smart?" The hat said "no thats wrong, youre going into slitherin because youre a wicked fucker."

Now Jesses turn. The hat thought very hardly about what house to make him be in. It thought and thought for 8 days straight, but to the people in the room it only seemed like 30 seconds due to magical reasons. With great fan fare the hat eventually said "griffinder." jesse said "yeah bitch! thats the good house. i'm gonna be harry potters best friend" Walt was jealous cause he has no friends but he figured at least maybe i can make draco malfoy and Crab goyle my new meth mules!

In the dormatory for Slithering, Walt saw peeves the poltergeist. Peeves was fucking with some of the students because thats just the kind of shit he does. Walter said "move over peeves im the new danger in town." Peeves gave him a wedgie and flue away. Walter said "fuck this im going to bed." So he did.

While Walt was in bed he had a dream that he used magic to make meth that was 100% pure and brought it back through the tv into the real world and used it to undercut gus frings empire by selling the meth his self. and eventually he got so rich he could buy a tank to blast gus away with a huge artillary missile. So when he woke up he said "im gonna do that thing i dreamt about...using the power of magic.. But first i need magic powers, guess i better pay attention in class." He ironicaly laughed, due to because he use to be a teacher and now he's the studint.

Mean while. jesse got to meet the characters from harry potter because they were in the dormitory of Griffindor. Harry said "hi jesse im harry potter" jesse said "i know who you are bitch, your like my hero and shit." Ron and hermione also said "hi," but Jesse didnt know who they were. he only read like the first couple chapters of the first book, so he didnt know who anyone was beside harry. So he said "who the fuck are you clowns supposed to be" But soon they were laughing and bonding over there shared love of Grand Theft Auto games and woodworking.

Later that night Harry asked jesse, "i see youve got some crystal blue meth there pal, might i have just a pinch to see if i like it"

Jesse said "no bitch this shit is addictive."

Harry said "ok bro," but he actually was planning on trying some without permission anyhow. Since Harry doesnt play by the rules. hes a loose cannon but maybe thats just what this world needs more of.

The next Day. Walt showed up in Spells class, ready to learn spells in class. Professor McGongle was teaching spells, and she said "Misster white you're late, ten points from slitherum." Walter grumbled impetently as he slunked to his seat. McGongle said "class today were learning transformations." She took out her wand and pointed it at a kid said a spell - "presto changeatosis." The kid changed at once into some kind of dumbass toad. "Holy shnikies!" thought walter, "this is incredible. I can use spells like this to boost up my meth to 1000% purity, i just have to not set the spell to toad."

"Okay class" (this is mcGongal talking) "your turn. do the spell." Everyone in the class pointed their wand at something and said the spell and all the kids managed to make stuff change into other stuff. Neval Longbotom turned Parvi Petil into a shark. Shaymus Finnagin turned Cho Chong into an octopus with a lizard head. Anthony Goldstein even turned Victor Crumb into a disgusting heep of dead mice. "Damn…These guys are good" said Walt.

It was Walts turn. But Walter, being a muggle that he is, didnt even have a wand. Can you believe this guy! He raised his hand to say "professor Mongol. can i borrow your wand." She said "Yeah buddy have at it" and tossed him the W (Short for wand).

Walter took McGoogle's wand ackwardly and blurted up "presto changeatosis!" But absolutely nothing happened. He tried it again and nothing happened again. By this tiem all the kids in the class who hadnt been turned to weird things were laughing at him, and the ones who were turned into weird things were making horrible noises at him in such a way as to suggest laughter. walter was absolutely seething as a result from this. He left class in a fowl mood and thought "i havent been this embarrassed since my dumbass wife skyler accidentally tried to drown herself in the pool."

While this was going on, there was another character doing things. Jesse was in Hagrids care of weird creatures class when he noticed his new friend Harry was acting funny. Harry was grinding his teeth and breaking his wand into 10000 tiny pieces while he sweated like a pig. Jesse said "hey harry are you like some kinda retard."

Harry said "no jessie, i did your meth and to be totally honest with you i fucking love it"

Jesse was horrified! not just because his conscience told him its wrong to get a child hooked on an addictive and dangerous drug but also because he was planning on selling that meth to hagrid for cold hard cash. He said "harry this is a one time thing, i know i made meth sound cool but in actual reality its not really that good for you to do it."

harry nodded and then said "okay jesse i promise i wont do any more" but he had his fingers crossed behind his back in one hand and in the other hand he had little baggies of crystal blue meth that he handed off to ron and hermine.

Later that day Walt was doing a new class called potions class. The professor, Severus Snape mysterious behavior. He said "todays class is so simple even a muggle could do it" which peaked Walters attention since he knew that a muggle was him.

Snape continued "we're going to see what happens when you mix any normal substance with newt balls. and yes I mean their stupid little nuts." He dropped a scant palmful of newt gonads into a vat of mountain dew code red and FLASH there was a big light that flashed. Draco was also in the class and the flash hit him in the eyes and he said "ow my eyes, this hurts like a bugger!" just wanted to give him a line

Snape said "now all you silly idiots better try this dew" and all the kids did dew that (little joke). Walt also drank some. He said "this tastes astoundingly pure professor snape, like pure redness mixed with the very essence of dew" and snape said "thats because newt testicles can make any substance 10000x more pure just by you throwing them into it" walts face lit up. This is exactly the kind of knowledge he needed to be able to execute on his master plan. He said i guess maybe this is my #1 ticket to magic meth since i cant do any spells but i can definitley throw a bunch of newt nuts into my meth recipe for increased purity. Theres only one problem he thought. How the fuck am i gonna get that many newt testicles to bring this operation to the requisite scale? He said "I better talk to snape after class and see if i can get him in on this plan, since i need a newt balls supplier" he didnt say that he thought it in his head.

Jesse had just got done with his last class of the day (idk probably Charms or whatever) when he decided to do a big fucking snort on the meth he was keeping under his wizard hat all day. So he took the hat off and looked in there and was taken aback when he saw theres none in there now. Who the fuck took my crystal blue meth out of my big pointy wizard hat? Thought jessie. First person he thought of was badger, since badger's a real lowlife. but then he remembered, badger didn't come through the TV wormhole, so even though badger probably would have done this sort of thing, he was exonerized. So then he thought…"no bitch.,.no fucking way!" You know who he was thinking of so im not even gonna say.

Jesse went over to the griffindorm and saw harry ,ron, and hermione absolutely tweaking the fuck out. All three of them were wearing dirty ragged clothes and stabbing furniture with screwdrivers. Jesse said "yo bitch i thought you said you werent gonna do anymore meth"

harry cartwheeled over to jesse menancingly. "I had my fingers crossed mate" and then ronnie said "we took the meth right out of your stupid fucking hat." hermione said "jesse we're tweakers now, we are addicted to meth, and we're going to need more so we can stay fucking wired 24/7 to pass our exams"

jesse thought for a second about how standardized testing culture has led into all manner of unfortunate situations where kids get hooked on drugs as study aids with deleterious effects on there lives afterward. But only for a second cause he was mostly mad that they stole his shit. "You little assholes were supposed to be my wizard buddies" he growled. "This shit sucks ass! Argh!" He moped around for a bit while harry and his friends kept stabbing the upholstery with screwdrivers for a couple hours