Hello Humans it is I Weegee1 with another story. My very first shit post. A comedic circle jerk of sorts for me to vent with or upon depending on how you look at it upon the absolute narrow-mindedness of the more aggressive Naruto and Boruto redditors. It will be short, it will be sweet, and it will be my first story written entirely for me, myself, and I as well as everyone else who is tired of having their heads gnawed off for asking questions on either of those reddit spots simply because our world doesn't revolve around Naruto.
Pacing back and forth in his dingy rundown apartment was a man who had seen much better days. A man on the edge. A man ready to absolutely flip his mother fucking, god damn, son of a bitching shit. A man that has laid down and taken it peacefully from his fellow reddit users, preferring to site facts from manga, anime, and notes from the writers of his favorite subjects rather than insulting and mocking his fellow "nerds". Little did his fellow weebs know that this maddened man had a power. His power was subtle and secretive, it was a power few truly understood, a power beyond the average human's comprehension. That power was the capacity to write fan fiction without giving a single fuck about what was Canonical and what was make believe. For he was a true fan fiction writer able to blend words together harmoniously to create visual and descriptive master pieces….of shit. Literally half his descriptions fell flat, but that didn't matter to him, for this time he desired to make a piece of shit. The shittiest shit of all shits. A truly golden mountain of written excrement. With this creation he would stun the more rabid r/naruto and r/boruto community members into silence. For if they didn't become silenced he had the power to simply block them for he had the skill and intellect to realize that blocking someone meant sending them hurtling into a silent void from which their endless bitchery could not be heard from . Truly the silence would be golden.
With his pencil in hand and paper before him he began the ultimate fan fiction writer technique with a shrill and maddening shout of "Self Immersion Jutsu" he disappeared from the mortal world and entered the land of fan fiction. Scene: Konohagakure the day of Naruto and Hinata's wedding. It was a joyous occasion for many today was the day the hero of the Leaf Village was to be married. There was flowers, celebrations, and other such sickeningly sweet things going on. Of course there was an exception to the rule. Emerging from the dirtiest puke filled alleyway in the entirety of the Naruto Universe was a tall gangly yet fat man in an extremely unflattering head to toe black bodysuit. In his hands were his ultimate weapons, a self regenerating box of condoms in the left, and a scroll containing thousands of the same type of box. What's so nefarious about a box of condoms you ask? Well allow me to tell you. In his infinite Weebdom the mad man created a Naruto Universe seal that is applied from the first second one of the condoms is applied. A simple seal that is microscopic (thanks to the use of an advanced 3D printer) and leaches off of any ambient chakra in the area so as not to draw attention. The seal did three simple things. The first was that any time a man decided to have sex a condom would magically attach itself to his dick and secretly render the man's sperm into a sterilizing bio weapon (say bye bye little eggs). The second thing however is far worse, if someone tried to remove the seal, even by ditching bodies, transforming etc., their balls would implode and turn into tiny shriveled dead raisins. The third only activated if someone tried to have the seal removed, the newly ball shriveled being would force other people to wear the condoms until their final breath. The greatest thing of all was that due to there never being a condom made (canonically) in the Naruto Universe no one would no what it was, and since good ol' Naruto being such a kind believable man child he would probably gladly take a box home. The only question was how to get it to him? Who would be idiotic enough to give a stranger's gift to the hero of the fourth shinobi war? Using his fan fiction weeb powers the mad man generated the perfect scenario. Konohamaru stumbled drunkenly down the street at a very slow pace. Whipping his pencil out the man scribbled a quick note that slowly transformed into Tsunade's hand writing 'Naruto contained in this box are several objects called 'condoms' before sex you must apply this to your penis.' thinking quickly he added the ultimate trap to the box in the form of a twelve word P.S 'P.S this is the secret task that you must master before becoming Hokage.' the man then . With his trap in place the man waddled swiftly up to Konohamaru and yelled "Oh great and powerful honorable grandson I have a package from Lady Tsunade for Naruto but I don't think I will make it to the wedding in time. Can you get it there please?". After a few seconds the writer scribbled something on his note pad and the intoxicated Konohamaru smiled, did the good guy pose, grabbed the package, and ran towards the wedding yelling "Youth at full fucktard power.". Ah the sweet succulent power of fan fiction truly was addicting, now it was time for the man to take care of another case of cluster fuckery.
Scene a lab in who the fuck knows where. A group of people, a cult if you will sat brooding and simping over the death of their great and powerful edge lord Itachi Uchiha. The group was nearly identical in all traits though some were fatter or skinnier than average. There was even a giant one of the pasty fuckers. Their collective name was Shin Uchiha the pastiest of pasties, the dumbest of fucks, the supreme cuck lord of the Naruto Verse. There would be no great condom calamity for them. No their deaths would be far faster and far harsher. Detonating small pea sized blocks of B4 a special acme explosive that only damaged structures that you verbally tell it you want damaged the man sealed all the exits trapping him and his future victims together. Hearing movement he flicked a tab of ultra powerful LSD in front of their little cyclops pet to put it in a better state of mind. The crazy man then pulled out several blue tooth speakers and laptops before hooking them up to a cellphone. With the press of a button all hell broke loose as the most horrifying sound to ever grace an adults ear emerged, and repeated for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and even more hours.
Baby Shark do, do, do, do
Baby Shark do, do, do, do
Baby Shark do, do, do, do
Baby Shark
Shin Uchiha clone 1 "What the fuck is this shit man!"
Shin Uchiha clone 2 "How the fuck should I know?!"
Mommy Shark do, do, do, do
Mommy Shark do, do, do, do
Mommy Shark do, do, do, do
Mommy Shark
Shin Uchiha clone 3 "Someone shut it up!"
Shin Uchiha clone 4 "Where the hell is it coming from?!"
Daddy Shark do, do, do, do
Daddy Shark do, do, do, do
Daddy Shark do, do, do, do
Daddy Shark
Shin Uchiha clone 5 "I never knew Orochimaru was fucked up enough to make this!"
Shin Uchiha clone 6 "None of this is real. Nothing is real. You're not real. I'm not real. The readers aren't real. We are all a simulation by a higher power and that higher power finds Boruto to be. Lacking."
Grandma Shark do, do, do, do
Grandma Shark do, do, do, do
Grandma Shark do, do, do, do
Grandma Shark
Shin Uchiha clone 7 "I regret eating that weird mushroom so much now."
Shin Uchiha clone 8 "Is this Kisame's family song or something?"
Grandpa Shark do, do, do, do
Grandpa Shark do, do, do, do
Grandpa Shark do, do, do, do
Grandpa Shark
Shin Uchiha clone 9 frothing at the mouth
Shin Uchiha clone 10 seizing on the floor
Let's go hunt do, do, do, do
Let's go hunt do, do, do, do
Let's go hunt do, do, do, do
Let's go hunt
Shin Uchiha clone 11 choking Shin Uchiha clone 12
Run away do, do, do, do
Run away do, do, do, do
Run away do, do, do, do
Run away
Shin Uchiha clone 13-? Self mutilating in one form or another while gigantor sings "Safe at last do, do, do, do. Safe at last do, do, do, do. Safe at last do, do, do, do. Safe at last!" in a very high Micky Mouse like voice
It's the end do, do, do, do
It's the end do, do, do, do
It's the end do, do, do, do
It's the end!
After countless hours only Shin Uchiha Prime remains. "There, there is no god. No higher entity of mercy can exist if such a foul being like you exists. I can only ask why?" he mutters from his existence at the rim of madness. Rather than answer the mad man pushes another button on his phone bringing up cocaine toad (Crazy Frog-Axel F the version where you can see his dick swinging in the breeze) before activating the countdown on the several dozen pounds of C4 hidden in the various electronics. Using my great and powerful power of the fan fiction writer reappear with popcorn in one hand and drain cleaner in the other on a distant hill in time to watch the explosive mushroom cloud raising from his prior position. With a hefty sprits of Drain-O the man began power chowing on the popcorn.
Turning his head in your direction he says in a very serious voice, a voice so serious and charismatic it would gain the respect and admiration of all who would listen "'Sup Homie?". His intelligence shows through in that statement like a match in a hurricane. "I tell you I get so tired keeping it civil when the internet is swarming with dumb fucks. It makes me ask myself 'h great and powerful writer man why don't you sink to their level? Why not sink to their level, throw out niceties, and proceed to verbally tear them a new asshole at least in an internet sense?'. I mean seriously these online cunt waffles don't seem to understand anything outside of throwing around insults and worshipping the popular opinions on the internet.". With a sigh the mad man buries his head in his hands "I try so hard to be civil in an uncivil world. The internet used to be a place to relax and unwind. A place where one could learn about whatever you wished to. A land where you could ask questions without fear of being judged by narrow-minded knuckle dragging troglodytes. Now it seems that they infested each and every corner of the internet" the man muttered. "Oh well. As the saying goes 'fuck it all'" he said with a smiley face emoji overtaking his face as a large ball of green energy destroys an enormous swath of land. Dusting his hands off he disappeared to lands unknown.
The humans of Naruto slowly went extinct. With no ability to reproduce their numbers dwindled and Boruto was never made. Any biological clones made disappeared in a loud and stinky fart. The final insult to injury was a rain of never ending acid poo covering everything as far as the eye could see.
Fin