Chapter IV
Then next morning of day when Jesse awoke from his slumber he was immediately awoken by a series of punches and kicks to his beautiful face. The kicks and punches hit hard and hurt. They hurt worst than a slap, but not as bad as a stab though. "What the fuck bitch" said Jesse as he fell out of his bed onto the floor of the dormitory which also hurt, basically the same amount as the other stuff.
Jesse looked up and saw that the kickers and punchers were none other than Harry, Hermione, and Ron, and they looked like they meant business. "We are fiending for more of that sweet magic meth Jesse" Hermione said. "I need it to give me a boost so I can study for my Owl class test."
Harry nodded his head in agreement and said "I need it so I can have a little extra energy while i am fighting against the forces of evil wizards"
Ron said "Yeah me too I need it so i can do whatever the hell it is i get into all day"
They all said at the same time "GIVE US MORE METH FUCKER" and started jumping and stomping on Jesse until his tongue and eyes popped out like Ren and Stimpy and he started making noises like "awooga!" and "yeeeeowch!"
Jesse shook them off and said "Fine, fine, you can have some fucking meth, jesus christ." The three wizards looked absolutely ravenous at this point. Realzing that they might do just about anything in there crazed state, jesse had an idea while he was about to fork over the meth.
"The price for one tiny bag of meth is…one million dollars" Jesse smirked. Ron and Hemione looked at Harry expectantly since he's the moneybags of the group.
Harry sighed "We havent got dollars here you American sippleton, this is England. Weve only got pounds and shillings and whatnot"
Jesse said "fine bitch the price is one billion pounds" and Harry said "your mom is one billion pounds." Ron and Hermione laughed their asses off at this. Jesse was really frustrated at this point and he was about to just fucking deck these kids, but he kept his cool and said "look you little shitty nasty weasels do you want to buy drugs from me or not" and they all said ok fine.
Harry pulled out a fat ass stack and exchanged it for one teensy bag of wizard meth. Once he had it, all 3 wizards simultaneously snorted from the bag and started jumping around like daffy duck right away. They all made goofy sounds and bounced out of the room in a cartoonish fashion, then went off to go to whatever the classes were that i already said they were going to, or whatever else it was that i said they were going to do.
Jesse was pleased as punch to have so much dough all of the sudden. "Yeah bitch" he muttered under his breath. "Im gonna spend this money on video games like Grand Theft Auto and Grang Theft Auto Vice City" then he realized that it was pounds and not dollars, so he could only buy the british version of Grand Theft Auto, "Grand Theft Auto Loonie London Lorry Edition. "Fuck thats the gay version" Jesse remembered. 'Guess I gotta go to Hogmeade and spend this on some Butter Beer from the Butter Beer Shack" so he decided to do that. First he had to go to class though, so he did since he had a big owl test coming up.
Walt would of been proud of Jesses commitment to academicals if he had only been aware of it, or cared about it at all, which he did not. Walt was busy in the lab packaging up baggie after baggie of rainbow magic lucky charm meth. He was wearing a magic hazmat suit which looked like a regular one mixed with a wizard robe with stars on it, and had a big wizard hat on it too, and actually it wasnt a hazmat suit he was just dressed up like Merlin because he thought it was cool. Suddenly he heard a flushing sound and looked over his shoulder to see professor Severus Snape was just getting done flushing hisself down the toilet.
"Is this official Slitherin house business" said Walt. (That was code for "is this about the meth," remember this itll come up again, im sure)
"Yes" said Snape. "But also no" said Snape.
"What the hell does that mean" said Walt,
"Theres gonna be a problem" said Snape.
"What problem "said Walt
"Bad problems" said Snape
"Tell me what the problem is" said Walt
"Ok said Snape"
I'm waiting said "walt."
Snape looked uncomfortable, which he usually did if im being truthful. real weird looking guy. "I can keep supplying you with as much of the ingredients as possible and i'll happily take the pay…but theres some thing you should know about. My boss knows about you and pinkman and he wants you both dead"
"Your boss?" Walt asked incredously. "Dumbaldore? That shriveled old hag boy can piss and moan all he wants, we got sorted fair and square. I dare him to try and kill us, ill blow him up like i blew up that big dumb tree. By the way I think it was brave of JK Rolling to say he is gay"
"No…not Dumbledore" Snape entoned (think thats a word). "Voldemort, the dark lord, my other boss."
"Oh fuck" said Walt.
"Yeah. hes bad news to say the least" sniveled Snape "he told me im supposed to kill you guys"
"Shit" Said Walt. "Are you gonna kill me?" He put his hands up over his face and started crying like a little stupid baby.
"No no. You see, I am a double agent playing both sides, and that way I will always come out on top" quipped Snape originally. "If i wanted you dead your ass would already be grass, literally i mean, i could do a spell to turn you into grass. But im not going to. im giving you this information because i think we both stand to make a profit off it" He pulled out a bag of newt balls. "I'll give you these and some info on what Vodomort is up to…for double my normal cut"
Walt said "are you insane? that's [author note insert percent here when you remember what percent snape was supposed to be getting] - i'd have to be r worded to even think of doing such a deal with you."
Snake smirped. "Ok guess you cant cook meth then, and also i'll kill you for real' He pulled out his wand and flicked it around menacingly at walt
Walt sighed "Well fine then How about 1.5x your normal cut" Snape said "1.75x" Walt said "fuck you asshole 1.5" and Snape said "Ok." see that's a business negotiation for you. "What's the information" said Walt
Snape handed over the stinky amphibian gonads. "Lets just say youre not the only Drugs Lord in the Wizarding World" he said. "Voldy's got a bit of a drug empire of his own in the works, and here's how he's doing it. He's putting heroin in the butter beer at the Butter Beer Shack to get everyone hooked. Soon enough hell have an enslaved army of magical wizard junkies at his disposal who will kill muggles for him in exchange for drugs, sort of like an army of obediently loyal drones who will rip every muggle limb from limb on sight. Fucked up huh"
Walt was impressed by the bold genius of this plan. He thought, wow, Voldemort is even more smart at drugs than Gus Fring, the man who Walt was selling meth to earn money so he could buy a tank and blow him up, in case you forgot. Walt said "Thanks snape I guess it pays to know your're enemy."
Snape said "Wow is that from The Art of War?" walt said "Yes, I have been reading the works of Sun Tazu lately to get better at being The Danger." Snape laughed "i was just kidding you sound like a stupid ass loser. Anyway bye" and he left. Walt seethed at this insult all day afterward and was still thinking about it off and on several weeks later
Mean while later that day at a different time. Jesse had just finished taking his owls test which he thought he had done a pretty good job on. He was in a good mood, walking around Hogwarts slinging meth like an old pro. He sold a bag to Colin Creevey for 100 thousand pounds, He sold 2 bags to Crab Goyle for 500 billion shillings. He even sold 3 bags to professor Roobius Hagrid (Big meth head) for 50 spiders which he immediately flipped to Cho Chang (big spider fan) for 10000 farthings. He slang that shit morning noon and night in the halls of hogwarts after every class. By the time it got dark outside jesse had so much british money on him his pockets were like some sort of british bank. It was looking like he was gonna have an easy time getting rich this way. "I'm going to have an easy time getting rich this way" thought Jesse.
Then came a horrible sound, like an evil cat going "meow" at the top of its lungs. Jesse thought "ah fuck" cause he knew The cat was Mrs Norris. That could only mean one thing…Mister Filtch was around to catch no goodniks goofing off in the halls. Jesse tried to tiptoe back toward the Griffin Doormatory but he ran smack into a brick wall because he isnt very smart. When he looked up he saw the face of professor Argus Filth staring back at him
"Well well well Mrs Norris" said Filtch "looks like we've caught ourselves a miscreant" he laughed and gross spit came out when he did. Eww!
"Uh bitch i was just looking for the bathroom" said Jesse unconvincingly.
"A likely story" said Filch. "Prove it"
"Uhhh ok" said Jesse. He didnt really know what he was supposed to do in this scenario so he did the only thing he could think of. He strained as hard as he could and stared directly at Filtch.
Filch crinkled his nose. "Whats that smell"
Jesse said "I'm pissing and shitting in my pants bitch"
"What the fuck dude" Filch recoiled "That's fuckin nasty!"
"Well you should of let me go to the bathroom you idiot" said Jesse matter of factly. "Now you look like a real asshole. Im filing a complaint with dumble dore"
Filtch laughed again. "Tell it to the judge. Im taking you to the damn dungeon for swearing at a teacher and loitering"
"Fuck" jesse said. He hoped there was a shower in the dungeon but realistically he knew there probably wasnt going to be one in there.