Basorexia

by GreyBae

No Longer Human had always short sided on Osamu's emotions. It's never bothered him before because there was nothing new that could make him spiral into the darker parts of his brain. He was content this way because there was no loss in not loving at all. Then there is Atsushi, and Osamu can't handle that.

The concept of a birthday was lost on him. It wasn't that he didn't know what a birthday was. It was a day that someone was born, but the very concept of celebrating another day of suffering didn't make any sense to him. It wasn't as if you gained anything from the celebration. Nothing of importance. Children received toys and money. Adults received trinkets and, depending on how old they were, alcoholic beverages. There was cake, streamers, and balloons. Smiles and cheering. Laughter spread across the faces of people, and congratulations shared as if to say, "You made it another year. Go you."

It was just lost to him. He'd never cared for most traditions to begin with, but birthdays? Birthdays particularly irked him. There was nothing in life that made the idea of a birthday make sense to him. He didn't even like celebrating his own birthday, but there was a tradition (another concept that he didn't understand) that the whole of the Armed Detective Agency celebrated birthdays.

He'd never been a fan. Even when everyone would celebrate his own day of existence, he couldn't fathom the idea and found himself questioning their sanity instead of his own. What kind of weirdos celebrated macabre concepts of living? Still, he attends every celebration if only to appear interested. It wasn't that he didn't care for his co-workers. He very much did, but that didn't mean he wanted to help tear down pointless decoration or eat cake that was so sweet it made his teeth ache. Drinking was fine, but he could pay for his own drinks. He was a grown man even if he didn't feel like it.

It was annoying… but different.

In the Port Mafia, there was a concept of birthdays. People said happy birthday in passing. People who were close would gather and celebrate with each other, but the Port Mafia had never made a big deal about these things. Osamu can't recall anyone ever telling him happy birthday in his life. Odasaku and Ango would buy him a drink, though the words had never fallen from either of their lips. He doesn't mind this, and he suspects that Odasaku never said anything because he knew that it would mean nothing to Osamu, and Ango probably went along with him.

There was a kind of simplicity that came along with this. A silent celebration between the three of them, short, simple, and there was nothing out of the ordinary from that point forward. There were no chirpy 'happy birthdays' bright in the morning, no loud barking of Kunikida as he reminded everyone that the celebration was for a later time.

So far, there were only three rules that were important when it came time to celebrate. One, Kunikida's favorite, don't forget to uphold the Agency's reputation at all times. That meant no unexplained animal without preconcent (sorry Kenji), no decapitation of any other patrons ("I don't care if they gave you a look, Yosano-sensei."), and no knives (Kyōka had earned that one). The second was no fighting with patrons, a rule coined after Chuuya had roundhouse kicked a man in the face so hard that he actually forgot his name for a second ("He tried to grab me." "Not an excuse, Nakahara-san!") The third, and probably the only one that Osamu could really get behind, was that everyone had a designated person to get them home if they had been drinking.

Most of them, with the exception of Fukuzawa, Ranpo, and Chuuya, lived in the same complex. The group didn't stray far from that area very often, preferring to keep it simple with a nice restaurant or a small bar. There were plenty of places along the main strip to have birthday celebrations. Sometimes, they even had small parties in the unused conference room. Tanizaki and Kyōka tended to go this route, enjoying a simpler, quieter party. Simple and sweet with good food and drinks. Osamu could bear the peace of that.

That had been blown to the wayside this year. This birthday party isn't just a normal birthday party, but a milestone birthday party. Osamu didn't have a clue what this meant until Naomi had turned eighteen. He'd refused to ask because he didn't want a lengthy explanation, and he didn't want to hear the question, "Didn't you have a milestone birthday?" Because no, he hadn't. He'd spent his twenty-first birthday alone because that had been before Yosano had looked at his medical record and exposed him to the mercy of the others.

A milestone birthday was no 'laughing matter' to the group of detectives. It meant that the birthday individual had reached an age of great significance, though Osamu could tell you from experience that it didn't matter what age you were; life still sucked. It was just a big deal to people, and Osamu wasn't one to cause a scene (unless it annoyed Kunikida or Chuuya), so he went alone with it. No one was the wiser, and he didn't have to get looks of surprise or concern. He was fine like this.

This particular birthday is a twentieth birthday. It was considered the birthday where children become true adults according to society (which was bullshit but that's for another story), so people celebrated the transition in a multitude of ways. The most prominent thing was drinking, legally, that is, and this birthday belonged to none other than Nakajima Atsushi.

Atsushi didn't really care for big parties, and Osamu is certain that if the office didn't have rules on it, he'd spend this day like he did all others. However, there were rules in place, and whenever he insisted that he didn't want a party, Yosano, Chuuya, and sometimes Naomi would band together and plan something out of his element. He always thanked them profusely but insisted that next year he wanted something simple. Yosano would laugh him off, and together with Chuuya and Naomi start preparations for next year.

This being a milestone, and his twentieth birthday, meant that all insistence of a simple party fell on deaf ears, and after some time Atsushi caved and agreed to do something 'fun' for his birthday. He even seemed to enjoy the idea of it, getting caught up in the excitement that the others gave off. Osamu didn't mind this in the slightest. He'd suffer an annoying party if it meant that Atsushi would have fun and relax.

Two weeks before the party, Yosano had approached the topic, and Atsushi seemed rather uncertain about the whole thing. It didn't take Osamu long to figure out why. Atsushi was concerned about being out of control. Osamu had thought it was a little silly that he was just now realizing this, but he suspects that the whirlwind of excitement had swept him up before he could really process the gravity of it.

After all these years, Atsushi still didn't like to be out of control. He'd gotten better at hiding it and processing it bit by bit. Most in the office didn't know. Osamu suspects Chuuya knew (which is irritating), and if Chuuya knew that meant that Yosano had been informed. It would be difficult to hide things from Ranpo, and Osamu was no slouch either. Reading Atsushi was getting harder, but if you knew what to look for, you knew how he was thinking.

The day of Atsushi's birthday had followed as thusly. They came into the office around seven (Osamu came in at seven thirty, and by the time Kunikida finished scolding him, it was eight) and everyone wished Atsushi a happy birthday. Osamu had technically been the first because he'd poked his head out of his door and startled Atsushi by yelling it at him, but that was neither here nor there. Kyōka came in with a single cupcake with a swirled candle on top. She'd made it herself. It was burnt slightly, and the icing seemed a little bit drippy. Atsushi still thanked her, blew out the candle, and ate it with a smile.

Kenji tried to give him a baby chicken, which Kunikida had quickly put a stop to, much to Kenji's disappointment. Atsushi thanked him and offered to take them both out for lunch so they could do their own little celebration. It wasn't like they couldn't go with them, but it was Osamu's understanding that Fukuzawa didn't want them in a bar. He wasn't entirely comfortable with Naomi being there either, but she was her own guardian, so there wasn't much he could do in this case.

Yosano had tried just about everything under the sun to convince Atsushi to relax, but he still didn't seem entirely sold on the idea. It wasn't until Yosano had asked Osamu to step in. Osamu didn't want to. He'd be perfectly happy if Atsushi wanted to have a small party in the office, but then he thought about the laughter and smiles he'd seen all year, and he caves. He cornered the boy before lunch, ruffling his hair before he could argue, "It's a big deal, Atsushi-kum. You only turn twenty once." It feels stupid coming off his tongue, almost like he's lying, but it works.

He still looked uneasy, but he agreed to go. This was fine. Kunikida had put him in charge of Atsushi this year, so he would share one drink with the birthday boy and then make sure he got home safe. Then he would go home, try to sleep, and start the next day without any further thought on the matter.

Everything was completely fine. Until it wasn't.

Yosano lets out a drunken laugh. Osamu isn't far away from them, preferring to camp out at the bar with Kunikida and Ranpo. Osamu has been around her long enough to know that her loud laughter is a sign that she is two bottles in. She's probably had too many shots, and her favorite thing to drink is sake, but she isn't snooty when it comes to anything else. Two bottles could mean two bottles of virtually anything.

He's keeping his eyes trained on Atsushi from here. There are many reasons for this but the two that he feels are most pressing are as follows; one, he wouldn't offer anything meaningful to their drunk conversation, and two, he doesn't want to sit next to Chuuya.

Chuuya had been invited by Yosano. Apparently, they were drinking buddies, but he also (much to Osamu's annoyance) had become rather good friends with Atsushi. Atsushi had been so excited to see him that his whole presence lit up, and Osamu thought he might have to curse Chuuya with some type of dark magic.

They were laughing and sharing drinks, but mostly, the whole group (including a few secretaries) seemed happy (almost a little too happy) to keep Atsushi's glass full. They took shots, and on occasion, Atsushi would make faces at drinks but was too kind to not finish them. He seemed to enjoy the sweeter things, though he had admitted that the whisky he'd shared with Osamu wasn't awful in taste, it just burnt going down.

Osamu may not understand birthdays and their milestone system, but he did understand Atsushi, so he refrained from sharing with him that he'd bought top shelf whisky to acquire that taste. He'd freak out, try to pay Osamu back, and when Osamu wouldn't accept he'd spend the whole night freaking out about it. Osamu wouldn't accept it either, as the top shelf was Osamu's old habit, after all.

He'd brought Atsushi to the bar a little earlier than the others so they could share a quiet drink together. Sharing a whisky with Atsushi was nice. He made light conversations and smiled at Osamu's bad puns. They talked about a lot of different things, and though none of it was really substantial, he can recall every word like it would be the last time he'd hear Atsushi speak. It reminded Osamu of a simpler time… It was negated by the fact that he was quickly dragged away by the others after he'd finished his drink, and now… Now he is rather drunk.

Atsushi is not a loud drunk, but rather, he is a sweet drunk. Not much changes in the way he holds himself, though he is clumsier than ever. He's flushed, eyes drifting around the bar, unable to focus on one thing for too long. When he isn't beaming so bright it could blind someone, or laughing, his mouth is slack, lips parted slightly as if he isn't aware that he can control it. His eyes are glossy and drooping slightly, only brightening when he's laughing. His gestures are wider. Sometimes, he bumps into Chuuya without noticing.

Yeah. He's pretty drunk, and the drunker he gets the clingier he is. It is incredibly endearing the way he tilts his head, eyes sparkling in the dim lights above the table. His smile is as beautiful as an elegant hina doll, carved to perfection among the pale skin of his face. These things are so perfect and exquisite. What isn't perfect is that he's clinging to Chuuya, smiling up at him with some sort of worshiping awe. He laughs when Chuuya says something, something that Osamu can't hear, and it is maddening the way Atsushi smiles at him.

Osamu feels an intense need to rush over to the table and pry Atsushi away from Chuuya. He doesn't. There is a thick hesitation that lingers around him. He doesn't want to spoil Atsushi's birthday. He's relaxed and having fun with his friends. It's something that he doesn't do very often, so Osamu doesn't move even when he seems fascinated with the end of Chuuya's hair, poking at the ends of the red strands. He spends most of his time worrying and stressing. It takes a toll on Atsushi, and no one really notices.

Kunikida doesn't notice most things unless it pertains to the agency. Yosano is close to Atsushi, so surely she (and Chuuya) notices this, which is why they pressed so hard on the party. He always smiles when the Tanizaki's are around, though admittedly, they aren't bright enough to be considered a hundred percent truthful. Fukuzawa and Kyōka spend their afternoons in a battle of wits that keep them quite distracted throughout the day. Kenji isn't the type to approach feelings without their being a real necessity, and Osamu highly doubts Ranpo knows. Ranpo is almost as stunted as him when it comes to the emotions behind things. He had a vague sense of what they were but not what to do with them or their necessity to life.

Otherwise he'd deal with this weird tension between him and Chuuya. Osamu is indifferent either way. He'd hate to have Chuuya around more, but that didn't mean he wanted Ranpo to, you know, be a lump of weird mushy feelings.

Feelings are weird. Much like now where he feels the overwhelming need to slug Chuuya in the face when Atsushi gives him a pout, shaking him slightly. He isn't even sure why. Chuuya is irritating, sure, but the idea that Osamu wants to lower himself to his level of violence is absurd. (Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that there is a bit of hypocrisy in that statement, but it's his thoughts, so he doesn't care.)

His fingers twitch, an involuntary action when he sees Atsushi rest his head on Chuuya's shoulder, eyes brighter than the morning sun. He seems to consider something for a solid moment before an elegant smile comes over his features.

Osamu doesn't remember the walk. One minute he's at the bar. Next he's standing at the edge of the table. He has three things on his mind. Chuuya is annoying, Yosano is laughing too loud, and Atsushi has just planted a kiss on Chuuya's cheek, pulling back with a beautiful laugh.

"Thank you, Chuuya-san, but you really don't have to." He speaks, not even noticing that Osamu has approached.

Osamu smiles at the group, but there is a distinct chill that comes over him, looming over the table and causing some of them to clear their throats and take large sips of their drinks. His smile is incredibly tight on his face as if he'd never smiled before in his life which in some ways he had never smiled truthfully- (unless he was watching Atsushi fumble around with something or watching Atsushi sputter about something he liked or did or there was the one time Atsushi… what was he saying?) Oh yeah.

He's irritated, and everyone at this table knows it. Everyone but Atsushi, who looks up at him with a beaming smile. Osamu is forced to return it, the aura around him shifting enough that at least the secretaries relax. Yosano is unbothered, and Chuuya just glares at him when Atsushi isn't looking, and Osamu would return it with a fierceness if Atsushi wasn't looking at him.

"Dazai-san!" Atsushi releases Chuuya's arm and practically falls into him, a droopy smile never leaving his face. "When did you get here?"

Oh boy. He's drunker than Osamu had thought, but it's endearing the way his fingers cling to his coat, eyes suddenly fascinated with one of the shiny brown buttons. He looks at it like he's never seen a button before in his life. He pokes it with one of his fingers, and Osamu can feel the uncoordinated movement press into his stomach just a little. He can feel the heat of Atsushi's hand radiating through his vest, leaving Osamu far too warm for his liking.

"Atsushi-kun, are you ready to head home?"

"Mmm." Atsushi hums, clearly recognizing that someone is speaking to him, but having no clue what was said. Instead, he looks up, and as if Osamu had never spoken, he says. "Your buttons match your eyes! They are even shiny like them."

Osamu smiles and pats his head. "Well, that is rather interesting."

Atsushi smiles. "Hey, did you know it's my birthday?" Atsushi pulls him forward a little so that his chin bumps into Osamu's stomach.

"I did. Are you having fun?"

"Mm." His eyes close as he rests his chin down. "Everyone is really nice. Chuuya-san paid for my drinks, though." He pouts.

Osamu chuckles, keeping Atsushi upright by his elbows. "Well, it is your birthday. Birthday boy's don't usually pay for their drinks, right?"

"That's what Chuuya-san said." Atsushi smiles again. "He's a really good person. You should be nice to him."

Osamu flicks his eyes up to Chuuya, who smirks at him. He looks back down at Atsushi. "How about this? I'll be nice to Chuuya on your birthday."

Atsushi thinks rather hard on it, and then his brow crinkles. "I think you are trying to trick me."

"We can talk about it in the morning if you want."

Osamu doubts he will even remember that this conversation took place, but if he did, Osamu would talk about it. He probably won't negotiate or give in. He will be sneaking into Port Mafia HQ to put tacks in Chuuya's chair for several months after that, and when Chuuya finally becomes wise to it, Osamu will find another way to ruin his life. Nare in his shampoo was on the table. It was on the freaking table.

"Are you ready to go?" Osamu smiles, and Atsushi registers the question this time.

"Do we have to?"

Osamu wants to say no, but then he thinks about the kiss on Chuuya's cheek, and he feels a rage boiling in him. "Yeah. We probably should. It's pretty late."

Yosano looks down at her watch. "Oh shit. It is pretty late. You work tomorrow, right? I'll take your shift for you, cutie pie."

"Oh no! You don't have to!" Atsushi doesn't pull away, but he does lift up to look at her.

"Oh trust me. You won't be getting up in the morning, kiddo. You should probably stay with someone." Chuuya gives him a small smile. "I doubt Kyōka will know what to do with you all night."

Yosano gives Osamu a mischievous smile. The kind that tells him she's up to something. "Well, Dazai? You are on Atsushi duty."

Osamu doesn't… mind. He kind of minds, but at the same time, he doesn't. Osamu hates having his space invaded. He doesn't like visitors and has learned the footstep patterns of every person in the agency so he can hear them before they arrive. He doesn't like people touching his space. It is his space. He owns it, but at the same time… It's Atsushi. Atsushi, who will no doubt be up all night puking and blaming himself for being a lush. He'll have an awful hangover and probably spend most of the day in bed as a result. He'll be miserable, and Kyōka works tomorrow, so it isn't like she can stay with him all day.

There is also the fact that he refuses to let him stay at Chuuya's. It isn't even an option.

"Is it okay, Dazai-san?" Atsushi asks, leaning his chin back on Osamu's stomach again. "You don't have to. I can handle it."

There is a chorus of soft chuckles at his drunken determination and Osamu caves instantly.

"No. It's fine. Come on, birthday boy."

It takes Atsushi a moment to stand, and when he does, he tips back, falling back into his seat. He is stubborn about it, trying at least two more times before caving and letting Osamu lift him up on his back. He waves bye to everyone and thanks them for their time as they hit the streets.

Atsushi clings to him, resting his chin into the crook of Osamu's neck, settling it next to his arm. He isn't really even holding himself up as they are more just draped over Osamu's shoulders. Osamu stops every once in a while to lift him back up, and then they continue their walk home. Atsushi is humming some song, probably something he heard on the radio, and the vibration resonates in Osamu's body along with Atsushi's warmth.

The weather is nice. It's a little colder now that the sun is down, but it is mostly the nice breath of the air that makes it cool. Atsushi will be fine. He lets off so much heat that he is miserable in the nicest of weather in the summer. The moon is out in full, lighting their path back to the dorms, and Atsushi seems to enjoy the color of white that illuminates around them. There are sadly no fireflies in the city, but Osamu has this vision in his head of Atsushi standing in a field surrounded by them, his eyes in awe at the beauty of them. Osamu hates bugs, but he thinks that he'd be okay if it was like that.

They reach the steps of the dorm, and Osamu is about halfway up to the second floor when Atsushi shifts to look at him.

"Dazai-san?" He asks, and Osamu glances at him to show he's listening. "Would you like me if I was a worm?"

Osamu actually pauses at the absurdity of the question, turning his full attention to the boy. "What?"

"If I was like a tiny earthworm, would you still like me?" He asks again, eyes incredibly earnest in his question.

Well, as earnest as one can be when they are stupidly drunk.

He chops it up to Atsushi, asking silly drunk questions and begins walking again. "Yes. I'd like you if you were a worm."

"Okay!" He chirps, looking incredibly smug for just a second before a look of panic comes over him. "What about if I was a fish? Would you like me if I was an ugly fish?"

"Fish aren't ugly, Atsushi. You'd probably be a quoi fish with nice black stripes." Osamu sighs, using one of his hands to unlock his door. "I'd like you as a fish, but I have to say I much prefer you as a tiger."

"Oh yeah." Atsushi says it clearly just now dawning on him that he can indeed transform into a tiger. "You like me as a tiger? Aren't you scared of me?"

Osamu pushes the door open with his foot and closes it with the same foot before flipping on the lights to his room. It's a standard dorm. It's just as plain as the others. He has a nice futon on the side that he considers his bedroom, though normally he sleeps on the couch. He has a nice little kitchen, an annoyingly frustrating bathroom, and a barely put-together living room. This is mostly because he enjoys the appearance of being normal.

"No, Atsushi-kun. I don't think you are scary."

"I think the others find me scary."

"No. If they thought you were scary, they wouldn't have gotten you drunk."

"I'm drunk?" He blurts, nearly falling from Osamu's back.

Osamu actually laughs at this. "Yes, Atsushi-kun. You are very drunk. That's why we left."

"This…" He glances around with narrowed eyes. "Isn't my dorm."

"It's mine. You are going to stay with me tonight so I can make sure you are okay."

"Am I not okay?"

"You will probably feel really sick in the morning." Osamu slips his shoes off and moves over to the futon.

Atsushi can sleep there tonight, and Osamu will lay there on the couch. It isn't like Osamu uses it anyway, and it would be more comfortable than the couch. There is also the fact that it's closer to the bathroom. This is the best layout, and it isn't like Osamu will get much sleep tonight anyway. He's still incredibly angry, so half the night will be contemplating Chuuya's death, and the other half will be keeping Atsushi as comfortable as possible.

He settles Atsushi on the ground, not fully letting go until he steadies himself. He debates getting Atsushi a set of clothes from his own apartment but ultimately decides against it when he notices that Atsushi is already looking around a little overwhelmed and scattered. He grabs a pair of shorts and a shirt that Osamu has never used before in his life and offers them to Atsushi. Atsushi stares at them for a minute as if he's trying to figure out what they are before taking them.

He changes without complaining, and Osamu looks away, but not fast enough to not catch the lines of scars across his stomach and chest. They make him feel angry. Angrier that is, but still, it makes him twitch with a deep-rooted rage. He manages to forget Chuuya for the moment and focuses on the director and every other person who had ever laid hands on Atsushi. He decides that every one of them should be where they are. Dead.

Atsushi tugs on his sleeve, bumps into Osamu, and uses him for balance. Osamu lets him before turning around to grab his shoulders. Atsushi is small in his clothes. He's always been lethe, but Osamu had never seen him look so tiny like this. Osamu rolls the sleeves up just a bit, so Atsushi won't have a problem grabbing anything. The shorts have to be tied to keep them up around his waist, and even still, they kind of sag off him.

He manages to get Atsushi to lay down on the futon, though Atsushi does fuss a little. He tries to claim that he isn't tired, but as he says it, he yawns. After the covers are settled over him, Atsushi's eyes droop closed, so Osamu turns grab a few things until a hand pulls him to a stop and he sees that Atsushi is giving him a worried expression, holding his wrist with a death grip. He's afraid of what Osamu isn't certain.

"Please…" He sounds incredibly distant while he speaks, and the words come out so quiet that Osamu thinks that he's imagined them for a moment.

Osamu chuckles, trying to ease Atsushi's tension. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to get you some medicine and some water."

Atsushi shakes his head, eyes squeezed shut as if his world is swaying. "Just stay… Please…"

This was something different, though Osamu knows what it stems from. Abandonment. He'd been abandoned and had spent most of his childhood locked in cages and tortured. It was not a secret to anyone that Atsushi enjoyed physical touch, but to fear being left alone meant something entirely different. He had been denied so much…

Osamu isn't sure what the logical move is here. Atsushi isn't in the right headspace to make decisions but at the same time he's looking at Osamu like he's the only person in the world that he's afraid will disappear if he isn't right there. There is no point in trying to reason with him either. He's disoriented, and there would be no way he'd relent even if Osamu managed to break through.

"I don't like to be alone." Atsushi's hand tightens around Osamu's wrist.

That explained a lot. He'd been so gungho to have a roommate. He had taken to Kyōka and was even the first to offer to share a room with her. There were some things, small habits that came with his trauma from that place. He tries to work them out on his own, but it's hard to say if it works or not.

Osamu sighs, running a hand through his hair before making a scooching motion with his hand. Atsushi scoots over without him having to say anything, and Osamu sheds his coat to the floor before sliding in.

"I'll stay right here." He speaks to Atsushi softly, almost the way one does to a tired child. "Just get some sleep."

Atsushi's fingers cling to his sleeve, and after a moment, he settles into the pillow. It only takes a moment for him to fall asleep, soft snoring filling the room like some sort of white noise. Osamu closes his eyes while he thinks, and when he's opened them, two hours have passed, and Atsushi is vomiting up his insides in the bathroom. Osamu goes to him, holds his bangs back, helps him clean up, and then tucks him back into the futon.

He still clings to Osamu, and Osamu lets him. It is… incredibly warm here.

(⋑ ･ิᴗ･ิ)ε ･ิ ⋐)

It's a late afternoon in June that the detectives and secretaries gather at the park. There is a sticky heat that makes Osamu pull off his coat to sit underneath him like a cushion as he stretches his legs out in front of him. He isn't certain how Kunikida manages to keep the position for so long without feeling cramped with discomfort. There is a sweet smell of flowers that drifts through the air as if to remind them that there is, in fact, a kindness that follows with the blazing heat of the sun. It made everything a little easier to stomach.

He really hates his birthday.

He'd chosen the park because it had a nice view of a bridge he hadn't had the pleasure of jumping off of. He's supposed to be looking at the dimensions to see if the fall would kill him out right or if he'd feel any pain when he was submerged. The only reason that he isn't is because the detectives had wisened up to his tricks and had put him on Atsushi duty again, which meant that he would have to make sure Atsushi got home okay, and he couldn't not do that.

Atsushi laughs at something Chuuya is saying, which is annoying, but he's far too caught up in the way Atsushi tries to hide his smile behind his hand to fully register that Chuuya is there. He just knows that Yosano had invited him, and for whatever reason, Chuuya had come without much of a fight. Osamu is just happy that they are sitting away from each other. Yosano had taken the seat between the two, and the distance helped Osamu keep his cool whenever he looked over at the three of them.

There would be no repeat of Atsushi's birthday.

Chuuya nearly chokes when Atsushi retorts at him, and Yosano has to clamp a hand on his back to make sure the man doesn't die. Osamu is secretly hoping that he does, but that certainly doesn't have anything to do with the last time they had all gathered.

The next time Osamu looks over, Atsushi is telling a story about something. What? Osamu doesn't know, but he suspects it might be something that he and Naomi had done as the girl chimes in from beside her older brother. Tanizaki seems to take an interest in the story as well, but Atsushi keeps his eyes on Yosano and Chuuya as he speaks with excitement.

Osamu didn't have a single clue what Atsushi was talking about. It wasn't that he couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth, but there was a vagueness to them that caused them to float into one of his ears and out the other. This didn't mean that Osamu didn't care about what Atsushi had to say. He, in fact, would love to hear it if he wasn't so distracted with his own thoughts.

Atsushi was one of the many thoughts that drifted through his head on repeat. He'd spent a week after his birthday dodging Osamu every second he could. Osamu would probably be concerned if he didn't know why, but he does know why, and he let Atsushi settle back down into a state of awkward ease before approaching him about the topic.

He was embarrassed about waking in Osamu's apartment the day after, and Osamu was more than happy to comfort him about it. It really hadn't been that big of a deal, but still Atsushi persisted in his awkwardness until Osamu suggested that Atsushi pay him back with lunch for the day, which Atsushi had hesitated at, but ultimately agreed.

Thinking back to the night in question, Osamu realizes that it was rather embarrassing, but in all honesty, Atsushi wasn't the only one to experience it. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Osamu had seen Chuuya push his limit like that, and though Osamu hadn't personally tried to poison himself with alcohol, he went ahead and crossed it off his list. It seemed too painful for his liking.

Atsushi had vomited a total of five times that night. When he wasn't vomiting, he was clinging to Osamu like he was afraid he'd disappear into a cloud of smoke. It was endearing, especially the time that Osamu had to pull him from the floor before he could make it his new bed for the night.

("You can't sleep on the floor, Atsushi-kun." "But it's cold.")

Shortly after the fourth trip to the bathroom, Atsushi had fallen asleep, and Osamu had left to use the bathroom. He returned a few minutes later to the sounds of Atsushi sitting curled in on himself, sobbing into his knees. He nearly powerdrived Osamu to the floor when he questioned him, and Osamu made the solemn vow to never leave his side for the rest of the night.

It had taken Osamu twenty minutes to get him to stop crying, fifteen minutes to get him to lay back down again, and an hour of talking to him before he calmed down. He fell asleep clinging to Osamu's shirt, and his face stained with tears. It was incredibly disheartening to see. Almost as much as him waking thirty minutes later to bolt to the bathroom again.

Osamu had taken care of Atsush the best he could. He catered to his whiny drunken whims, let him trail behind him when he had to get Atsushi water or medicine, and he of course let Atsushi cling to him whether it had been his shirt, his wrist, or even his pointer and middle fingers. Osamu doubts Atsushi remembers most of that. He probably remembers Osamu prying him out of bed to eat something, which he picked at, and then waking up. That didn't change the fact that he had acted like a pouty child. He'd clung to Osamu, pouted when he didn't get his way, and refused to accept any sort of help until Osamu bargained with him. When he'd finally reached a state of remembering himself he'd been so embarrassed that he could barely talk to Osamu.

It had taken two weeks for them to reach a state of normal. Osamu hadn't been (all that) concerned. Atsushi could work through most of it, and when he had finished processing, Osamu had comforted him about it. There was no harm done. Though Osamu had learned that even after all this time, Atsushi had a great hesitation for everyone. He still couldn't get that idea out of his head that he wasn't wanted.

He would always be wanted. Always.

Ranpo bumps his shoulder, and Osamu's attention is pulled away. Ranpo is in a debate with the others. It isn't anything particularly enthralling, but it's an opportunity to annoy the crap out of Kunikida, so he joins the debate about the ideal breakfast. He doesn't know how long the conversation lasts, but it is long enough that Kunikida looks like he's going to have an aneurysm if Osamu says another word, which, of course, he does.

He is about to wring Osamu's neck when Ranpo says, "You can't be mad at the birthday boy, Kunikida-kun."

"Yeah, Kunikida-kun!" Osamu presses, he always presses, and Kunikida loses it, causing Osamu to fling his head back in laughter.

Kunikida is scolding him, but all Osamu can do is laugh at him. Ranpo is smiling behind his cup, and Fukuzawa is trying to keep the peace without further enraging Kunikida. It is all very nice, and there is a feeling of comfort that settles over him.

He turns to look back at Atsushi, and the comfort halts in his veins as Atsushi tosses his head back, giving a sweet but heavily intoxicated laugh. That was the sign that Yosano and Chuuya had corrupted his mentee into drinking again. Sake and wine had been the mixture of choice, which made Osamu want to knock the current glass of sake out of his hand.

What a horrid concoction. Osamu thinks as he watches Atsushi take a sip from the cup without flinching. Oh no.

Osamu feels like he's been duped somehow. It could be his paranoia (it was probably his paranoia), but he can't help but think this was a planned event. Before he'd turned away, Atsushi had been sober, and the moment he turned back, he was drunk, eyes hazy as he had to process something that Chuuya had asked. Yosano looks odd to him, almost smug, but he doesn't focus on her long enough to really determine whether or not that's true.

Atsushi has a sway in his movements, and he reaches down to snag a cookie from a tray nearly falling forward. Yosano manages to save him without looking over at him, placing her arm out in front of his chest to help him keep his balance.

He leans back up, cookie in hand, and beams at her. "Thank you, Yosano-san!"

Okay. That's fine. Osamu thinks, and then Atsushi leans forward and kisses her on the cheek. That's decidedly not.

His fingers twitch, and the sickening chill comes over him again. Haruno notices it first, and in her discomfort, she shifts around uncomfortably before leaning closer to Kunikida. Osamu would feel bad, but he doesn't. All his focus is on Atsushi as he curls up on Yosano's shoulder. Yosano doesn't seem to mind and encourages the behavior with a soft pat on his cheek. She whispers something to him, and he grins up at her, replying with a sweet chirp of a yes. It makes her laugh, and the sight of it makes Osamu speak without any real thought.

He just wants Yosano away from Atsushi.

"Atsushi-kun?" Atsushi turns to him, and he doesn't seem to register the chill that has seemed to spread enough that even Ranpo has noticed, watching the scene from behind his cup. "Time to go home."

Atsushi shakes his head, and Osamu's smile tightens, though Atsushi doesn't seem the wiser as he nearly falls forward into the tray of cookies. "It's your birthday! You have to celebrate properly."

This makes Osamu snort at him, but Atsushi isn't paying attention to that as he begins rambling off reasons that Osamu should celebrate. Osamu wants to listen. He really does, but Atsushi is clinging to Yosano. Osamu can't determine why it bothers him so much, but he stands up, grabbing his coat and slides it on.

The group has grown incredibly quiet as Osamu moves around them to crouch behind Atsushi. He's still rambling, not noticing that Osamu has moved until he pokes Atsushi in the cheek. His face speaks volumes of his drunken state, eyes wide with surprise.

Atsushi's face scrunches up in confusion as he tries to process how Osamu moved, the words of his rambling cut short. "How did you…"

"Magic." Osamu smiles before poking his flushed cheek again. "Are you ready to go home?"

This time, he asks. He's feeling a lot better now that Atsushi is fully focused on him, and of course he's let go of Yosano falling into Osamu, who takes the brunt of his weight. Atsushi's fingers curl into his coat, and his head tilts into Osamu's hand when it comes up to rest on his shoulder. It's so sweet, so adorable that Osamu gives him a soft smile.

"It's your birthday… Did I ruin it?" He mumbles the question, sending a vibration that makes Osamu's hand tingle.

"No." Osamu gives a breathy laugh before leaning down to Atsushi's ear. "I'm not really a fan of my birthday."

"How come?" Atsushi asks, nose colliding with Osamu's chin, so he pulls back.

"It's just a day to me. I only use it as an excuse to not work." He jokes, knowing full well that it isn't true in the slightest.

He just doesn't like his birthday.

"But…" Atsushi's eyes sparkle in the sunlight while he speaks. "I like your birthday. It means you are here."

He's so earnest that Osamu doesn't have it in him to lie to him, so instead, he changes the subject. "I'm all partied out. Let's go back."

Atsushi seems to hesitate, and Yosano takes this time to chime in. "Don't worry too much about it, Atsushi. We've been here for a couple hours now, so it's about time to leave anyway, right Fukuzawa-sensei?"

Fukuzawa makes a show of checking Kunikida's offered up watch and nods. "Yes. I didn't even realize it had gotten so late."

"I'll help clean up!" Atsushi chirps, but Osamu shakes his head.

"It's fine, Atsushi-kun. We can handle it." Tanizaki smiles at him, and Atsushi begins to play with his fingers while he thinks.

"I want to help." Atsushi insists, releasing Osamu to sit up.

He nearly falls back, and Yosano catches him with her arm without removing her cup from her lips. "You can help by getting Dazai home. He tends to wander off on his birthday, remember, and it gets him in trouble."

Atsushi falls back into Dazai. "Is that true?" He asks suspiciously, and Dazai nods with a smile.

"Absolutely. Though, to be fair, it's not my fault that there are so many nice spots to commit suicide."

"Dazai-san… can't die." Atsushi mumbles so low that Osamu almost doesn't catch it, but before he can comment, Atsushi flings himself into Yosano once more. "Leave it to me! I'll get Dazai home safe and sound!"

Yosano ruffles his silver locks, turning them into a mess of strands. "I knew I could count on you, Atsushi."

"Always!"

Osamu acts fast, throwing whatever caution he might have about the situation to the wind. He isn't even fully aware of his actions, just that one minute Atsushi is leaning up to kiss her cheek again, and then he's pressed swiftly into Osamu's chest, his hand covering Atsushi's eyes. Atsushi looks up at him, a single note of surprise coming out of his mouth.

"Are you okay, Dazai-san?" He asks him, and the innocence of his question reminds Osamu just how drunk he is.

Osamu isn't certain how to respond at first as Atsushi turns his beautiful eyes up to him. The colors are stunning even through the haze, and it gives Osamu the overwhelming feeling of wanting to get lost in them forever.

He doesn't, but he wants to.

"I'm in your care, Atsushi-kun." His voice comes out so soft that it occurs to him that it is like they are in their own world. "I won't leave your side for a single moment."

Atsushi blinks up at him, eyes glossy and sparkly in the setting sun. "Y-you promise?" His own voice barely above a whisper as he speaks.

His hand comes up to grip the lapel of his coat, and it is so upsetting, yet the forefront of Osamu's mind. He likes that Atsushi clings to him. It brings about the feeling of being needed but in an entirely different fashion than any other time. It is like Osamu is the weight of his world. The only thing Atsushi looks at with such trust and respect, with an undertone of understanding wrapped in the delicate colors of his eyes. It is so warm, and it makes Osamu want to cling to him as well, but he is much better at hiding it. He will always be much better at pretending.

Osamu gives him a nod, and without further complaint, Atsushi allows Osamu to help him stand. Naomi and Tanizaki help Atsushi get steady on Osamu's back, and the whole time, Osamu is contemplating mass genocide of an entire orphanage staff. He thanks everyone for the party (the one he didn't want for a whole new set of reasons now) and heads back to the dorms.

There is a calmness in the walk back to the dorms. The air has cooled, and Atsushi is humming into his shoulder. It must have some significance to Atsushi because it is the same song from last time. He debates asking Atsushi about it, but he decides against this, absorbing the sounds with a fever he didn't know he had.

Then it stops suddenly, and Osamu waits for Atsushi to speak. "Dazai-san?"

"Yes, Atsushi-kun."

"What's your favorite meal?" He asks, not lifting his head up, but rather he leans it into the side of Osamu's own.

"Crab." Osamu answers without a second's hesitation, and it makes Atsushi giggle. "What?"

"I asked for your favorite meal, not food."

"Oh. Something with crab in it." He changes his answer, and Atsushi sighs.

"That is very vague." Atsushi complains, and Osamu glances back at him. "Don't you have a single food that you'd like to try or couldn't live without?"

The short answer was no. Osamu didn't have any craving for food, finding it more a necessity than a luxury. It wasn't an entirely misplaced thought, but even Osamu could admit that it was at least a little weird. He decides that he must have learned this from someone. Maybe Mori, though Osamu writes that off immediately. Odasaku, perhaps, or maybe even… No. He doesn't want to go down that road.

"Tenshindon." He answers after a moment, and Atsushi scoots up to look at him. "I'd like to try it, I think."

Atsushi is quiet, and Osamu can't make out his expression with how he is situated, so he just waits. "I'll make it for you." Atsushi declares after a long silence.

Osamu stops walking, canceling out the step he is about to make. He doesn't move his head, though he longs to see Atsushi's face. He wants to know what kind of expression he is wearing, but he doesn't want the warmth to subside.

"What do you mean?" He asks, and Atsushi hums like he'd been falling asleep.

"For your birthday. It will have to be next year." He is thinking out loud while he speaks. "I need time to practice, so I can make you the best tenshindon you'll ever have in your life."

Osamu doesn't know what to do all of a sudden. His instinct is to move once more, one foot in front of the other, but he can't get his legs to work. He's never had someone offer to make him food. He'd been to restaurants where he'd been served. He had even paid for his own private chief when he was in the mafia. (It had been in the hope that someone would poison him, but that never happened.) No one had ever offered, though. It had been an obligation rather than an offer. He barely ate three times a day, often forgetting that it was something he should be doing.

What a strange concept, someone making him food without him asking for it. It makes something swell in his chest. He thinks for a second that Chuuya might have poisoned his food because his heart is thudding a million miles an hour in his chest. It feels weird like it might explode, but Atsushi is watching him, so he feigns confidence.

The words fall from his lips without any thought behind them. "Alright. Next year."

Atsushi gives him a single nod before going back to humming his song of a thousand mysteries. Osamu begins walking again, and when they reach the halfway point of their journey, it hits him. He had just promised to stay alive. He, Dazai Osamu, the man with a hundred and one thoughts of suicide in a second, just promised Nakajima Atsushi that he'd stay alive for a whole year, just to have one home cooked meal. On a day, he hated more than anything, no less. There is a feeling of betrayal and confusion that settles in his stomach. In the end, though, he can't find it in him to really mind. It kind of bothers him. It's as if there is something deeper settled inside of him that he can't figure out.

They begin to climb up the steps of the dorm when Atsushi stops humming again. "Dazai-san?"

"Yes, Atsushi-kun?"

"Have you ever been in love?"

Osamu stops walking and turns to look at him this time, throwing the need for Atsushi's closeness to the side. Atsushi's eyes are closed, his face looking peaceful and soft as if he's fallen asleep. Osamu debates not answering. He considers the idea of just pretending that he hadn't heard from the start, but Atsushi's eyes peel open. They are glazed over, the colors bright in the fading light of the sun. They entrance him, and God does Osamu want to answer, but for once, he doesn't know the answer to his question.

Osamu looks away and starts walking to his door. "What about you, Atsushi-kun?" He deflects because he doesn't know the right answer.

Osamu pushes the door open with his foot and uses the same one to shut it behind him. He slips off his shoes and carries Atsushi over to the futon. He sets him down and helps Atsushi steady himself so he can pull off his shoes.

Osamu thinks the conversation is over. That in his haze, Atsushi had forgotten the question entirely, but he hadn't. Once his shoes are placed to the side, he answers with slight hesitation, fingers twisting around themselves like he's about to tell Osamu a secret.

"Yeah. I am, though it's hard to tell at the same time. I've never really felt like this. The feeling is so overwhelming that sometimes it feels like I can't breathe."

Osamu feels something in his chest tighten, and it feels like his heart has come loose and is drifting around in his stomach acid. "I see." He says, a tight smile coming over his face, but he doesn't think Atsushi even notices because he isn't looking at Osamu, but rather his own feet. "Well, you are breathing right now."

Osamu goes over to his dresser and pulls out the same ensemble that Atsushi had worn last time because that fit him, and Osamu isn't one to mess with a good thing. He offers them to Atsushi, but he doesn't move to take them, still looking at his feet.

"It is… incredibly hard to breathe. Even right now, especially right now." He whispers, and Osamu feels sick at the admission.

Atsushi shifts on his feet and then takes the clothes from Osamu. Osamu helps him keep his balance, rolls up the sleeves, and ties the drawl string of the shorts before getting him to settle into the futon. He kneels down beside him, and Atsushi rolls over to face him, though Osamu can barely make him out in the darkness of the room.

"It's probably because you haven't told them." Osamu finds himself saying, but after the words have escaped, he clamps his lips shut.

He doesn't want Atsushi to tell them. Whoever they are. They aren't good enough for Atsushi.

"I can't." Osamu hates that he relaxes at those words. "I don't think he'd hate me or that it would even make him uncomfortable. It's just that… he's a million miles away from me. He lives in places where he won't let me go." He reaches a hand up to rub over his eyes. "I know what it is like to live in the darkest part of your mind, but I don't think he needs me there."

Osamu stares at him, his head refusing to come up with anything substantial to say. Atsushi doesn't seem to mind. His eyes now focused on the color of Osamu's futon. His fingers run over the soft fabric, his pale hand seemingly petting nothing against the dark fabric of his sheet covering.

Atsushi is in love with someone, and Osamu can't identify the feeling that floods through him. It feels like ice coursing through his veins, and no matter how long he tries to process it, he can't seem to figure it out. It bothers him to his core that Atsushi is in love with someone, and when he can't figure it out entirely his brain comes up with the idea that it's because that person has made him feel like he isn't needed.

Osamu shouldn't be hearing any of this. These are Atsushi's private thoughts, and the only reason he is hearing them right now is because Atsushi is loose-lipped from alcohol. He doesn't want to know these things, he realizes. Something about the idea of Atsushi being in love with someone is making his stomach ache, his heart throb, and his eyes burn with an intensity that he can only describe as anger.

Osamu doesn't even consider the idea of asking. Part of him doesn't want to know who Atsushi has fallen in love with. He's afraid of what he'd do to them if he found out. He's sure Atsushi cares about them greatly, and it wouldn't be Osamu's intention to make him sad. He just doesn't think he can hold back at the idea of Atsushi being heartbroken like this. He sounds so defeated and sad.

He doesn't want to know who Atsushi is looking at.

If it's not me. His brain supplies, and he actually pauses at this. What?

Osamu shifts around on his knees. He doesn't know how to process that thought. He doesn't even know where to begin, and before he can even start picking through it, Atsushi reaches up. He's trying to grab Osamu's sleeve, but he is fumbling in the dark, poking Osamu in the stomach instead.

"Sorry." Atsushi mumbles, clearly half awake. "You… You're gonna stay, right?"

"Of course." Osamu finds it in him to give a soft chuckle, pushing the thought to the back of his mind. "Move over."

Atsushi scoots over, and Osamu removes his coat, leaving it on the floor next to them before sliding in next to him. Atsushi's fingers latch onto his shirt sleeve, settling into the pillow. It doesn't take Atsushi long to fall asleep, his snores being the only noise that is produced in the room. Osamu rests his head against the pillow and traces shadows of passing cars on the ceiling, trying to starve off his thoughts.

He covers his eyes with his forearm when Atsushi snuggles closer to his arm, and he swears it's because he is tired and not because he wants to run his hands through Atsushi's silver locks. At some point, he drifts into a silent sleep, waking two hours later to the sounds of Atsushi hurling in the bathroom.

He pads into the bathroom, nearly knocking himself into the sink in his drowsiness, but he still holds back Atsushi's bangs. He still gets a washcloth to wipe his face clean of vomit and sweat, and then with Atsushi clinging to his ring and pinky finger, he follows him to the kitchen area to get him a glass of water before ushering him back to the futon.

Atsushi clings, and Osamu stays.

(⋑ ･ิᴗ･ิ)ε ･ิ ⋐)

He may have gone overboard this time, but he wasn't taking any chances. Osamu had spent the better half of the month assuring Atsushi that everything was fine between them and that he didn't need to feel awkward or even ashamed to have poured his heart out. ("I'm your mentor. It's what a good one would do." "But still…" "Adadada. Good mentor!") He'd finally reached a place where he wasn't stuttering and could at least glance at him for a short amount of time before getting embarrassed and looking away. It was progress, and Osamu would take it as compared to Atsushi trying to hide from him.

His master plan had started after his birthday. It hadn't been a difficult plan, but it had to be done with a sort of balance between getting Atsushi to relax around him, making Chuuya's life miserable with thumb tacks and super glue, and rearranging Yosano's tools, and even stealing her phone. Everytime she typed a group of select words her phone would autocorrect it to a stupid movie quote, or a generally raunchy statement that had pissed her off enough that she threw her phone out the window, and got a new one. Osamu had stolen that one as well and did the same thing.

Master plan, and general pay back for getting Atsushi drunk.

The plan was simple. Sort of. He needed to eliminate three threats. Chuuya, Yosano, and the party itself. The first thing (Chuuya) had been what had taken the longest. It started by spreading misinformation to a couple of the Port Mafia's bigger informants. Then, he filed reports to match the information using Kunikida's well forged signature. Then, on the day of Tanizaki's birthday, Yosano gets a call that Chuuya can't come because he has to work.

Hurtle cleared.

Yosano was next. Osamu just needed to keep a close eye on her, so she couldn't slip Atsushi drinks when he wasn't looking. That meant he had to be a little underhanded with how he approached things. He did the best thing he could have, which was providing Ranpo with the trays of sweets, so that when it's time to get the cake Yosano would have to come with him to help restock the room. Simple.

Then there was the party itself. When they had been setting up the conference room for the party, Osamu had 'bumped' the clock off the wall, which caused the batteries to scatter across the floor. While everyone was scurrying to pick them up, Osamu moved the cloak forward an hour. The batteries had then been secured, Kunikida was annoyed, and the party had started earlier than it was supposed to.

Everything was going as planned, so when it's time to get the cake, Osamu and Yosano make their way to the break room chatting, and laughing about the time Yosano had seen Ranpo flush a bright red at Chuuya. Chuuya had then asked him if he was dying, and in his drunken stupor, he reached up to touch Ranpo's face. Ranpo had been so surprised that he fell back off of the stool he was sitting on, and Chuuya had thought he was dying. He'd freaked out, Ranpo had nearly died of a heart attack, and Yosano had gotten a good laugh.

This would work out. His plan was in place, and there would be no more jumpy Atsushi. The same one that had nearly gotten them caught on a stealth mission because Osamu had to shove them into a nearby broom closet, and Atsushi had squealed so loud that Osamu's on the fly brain kicked in and he was forced to make obscene noises to get the guards to walk away. Atsushi had nearly combusted, and Osamu swears he would have died right there if he didn't have Kunikida barking in his ear about his unprofessionalism.

There was also the incident where Atsushi had nearly gotten them shot by a convenience store robber because Osamu had brushed up against him and in his surprise Atsushi flung himself into the shelf not only alerting the gunman to their location but also knocking over every single self in the shop. Even the robber was confused as he held them at gunpoint when Atsushi's awkward reply to his threat of death was, "Bold of you to assume I want to live!" ("Atsushi-kun… no." "Are you… okay?")

Ranpo combusted into fits of laughter when Osamu explained why there had been so much damage in the store to Kunikida, who shockingly, didn't think it was as funny as Ranpo. Atsushi had taken the scolding, and before Osamu could corner him for a long overdo explanation, he bolted for Yosano's office. Yosano came out, locking the door behind her, and finishing her work at Atsushi's desk, but that was just a front for her real scheme which was running interference so he couldn't 'bother' Atsushi.

Osamu did not 'bother' Atsushi.

They were just doing a thing… A weird thing. One that was clearly Yosano and Chuuya's fault. If Atsushi didn't get drunk, then the weirdness would go away, and everything would be back to normal. No more dodging scalpels when Atsushi's computer froze, and Yosano lost her cool. No more (at length) lectures by Kunikida, and rolls of laughter from Ranpo. No more on the fly thinking, and God, please, no more obscene noises in Atsushi's ear to keep them from getting shot.

"I wanted to ask you something." Yosano breaks the silence as she places the candles in Tanizaki's cake.

"Sure." Osamu shrugs, leaning up against the counter near their shitty half broken coffee pot that mostly spit out brown water.

"It's about Atsushi. I was wondering if you knew what was going on with him." She asks, placing a hand on her hip as she decides where to place each candle.

Osamu's brow crinkles at her statement. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's been going on for a while, but if you haven't noticed, then I might just be looking into it too hard." She ponders for a moment, placing another candle. "Around his birthday is about the time it started. He had been so excited about turning twenty. He had even asked me and Chuuya to plan it for him because he wasn't very knowledgeable about it."

"He asked you too?" Osamu is officially confused.

As far as his knowledge, Atsushi had been hesitant about the whole thing and that Yosano and Chuuya had just taken over after spending months twisting his arm about it. This was a new development. Yosano wasn't a liar. She wouldn't have made something like this up, but Osamu is just uncertain about it. He'd seen Atsushi the week leading up to his birthday. He had been a mess about it.

"He had been so excited about it, and then two weeks before his birthday, he came in and asked me if we could cancel the whole thing." She places another candle. "I thought maybe he was worried about losing control, so I volun-told you to come. I thought for sure that would help, but it seemed to make him more on edge. He even tried to call in sick, but Kunikida wouldn't let him."

"I didn't know that. I knew he was on edge, but I didn't know he tried to call out." Osamu says, and she sighs, placing her hands on her hips.

"I thought if I made a big show of you being there he'd relax, but it was almost like it made it worse." She picks up the cake, being careful not to drop it or touch the icing. "Chuuya and I had our hands full before you showed up and whisked him away."

"What?" Osamu asked, opening the door for her, with his free hand, and closing it behind him.

"At first, he'd been hesitant to drink anything. Then Tanizaki had promised him that he'd be fine because we'd be there to help him if he got into any trouble. Then he started slinging back anything that was set in front of him, and trust me-" She says before Osamu can form the question. "-I tested the waters. Anything."

"What happened?"

"I'm not certain." She says, pausing outside the door to look at him. "It almost felt like he was afraid that he'd do or say something stupid. He hadn't been worried about it all year, and then two weeks before his birthday, he just… freaked. I wonder what had caused it, and I was hoping you would know. He's closer to you than he is anyone else. I suppose I could ask Ranpo, but if it's something emotional, I doubt he'd be any help."

Then it clicks in his brain, and he nearly inhales his lungs into his stomach. "He told me, and I can not stress how this has to stay between you and me."

Yosano nods her head. "My lips are sealed. I won't say a word to anyone, not even Chuuya."

Osamu adjusts the tray of sweets in his arms and then sighs, trying to dislodge the weight in his stomach. It doesn't work, but he tries. "He told me he's in love with someone."

Yosano's eyes widen, but she keeps balanced, not letting the cake fall from her hands. "Who?"

"He didn't say, and in all honesty, I didn't ask. He was drunk, and it already felt like I was hearing something I shouldn't be."

She seems to debate this for a moment and then nods. "I supposed that is the reason he's been so jumpy this last month. He told you something he wasn't ready to share, and now he feels awkward around you."

"Yeah. I've worked my ass off trying to get him to calm down around me, and it's finally getting back to a place where he isn't dodging me."

"I wonder who it is." She mumbles to herself, and Osamu can see the wheels turning in her head.

"He said that he couldn't tell them because they didn't need him." Osamu's hands tighten around the tray. "If I find them I'll be sure to strangle them." His voice darkens while he speaks, but he still gives a smile to her when she looks up.

She snorts at him. "You almost sound jealous, Dazai."

"Jealous?" Osamu blinks at her, and she gives him a soft chuckle.

"Yeah. You two are quite close, and there are often times where you get jealous if Atsushi isn't giving you his full attention. Surely you've noticed."

It is Osamu's turn to have his wheels turn in his head. Jealous. That was the feeling that had been plaguing him this last month. Jealous over someone who was stealing Atsushi's attention away from him. That didn't make any sense to him, and yet it fit so seamlessly that he can't focus on anything else.

Yosano sighs. "You and Ranpo, I swear." She gestures to the door, and Osamu opens it for her, following behind her while his brain races to come up with some other explanation.

Yosano stops suddenly, and if Osamu had been a lesser man, he could have collided with her. He is a quick reactor, so he manages to step around her before anything could happen to the cake. He goes to poke fun at her but registers the shock on her face and follows her gaze. His breath catches in his throat, and if Ranpo hadn't come over, he would have dropped the tray of sweets to the floor.

"Whoa!" Ranpo scolds him, but he doesn't turn to look at him as he watches Atsushi sling back a shot with Tanizaki. "Don't waste sweets, Dazai."

"Ears…" Osamu mumbles, not being able to fully understand what is happening in front of him.

"He's sprouted a tail too…" Yosano replies, and Osamu's eyes drift down to see that he has, in fact, sprouted a long fluffy tail.

Atsushi is clinging to Tanizaki's sleeve, and his tail is wrapped around Naomi's waist as if the two of them are keeping him upright. He slings back a second shot, and to his credit, Tanizaki manages to choke a second one down. His face crinkles up, but he manages.

Osamu turns to Ranpo. "How did this happen?"

"Hmm? Oh. Tanizaki wanted to do a birthday shot with everyone, and Atsushi sort of went overboard." He gestures over to Fukuzawa, who has his face down on the table. "He beat the Boss in a battle of liquor after Kunikida mentioned no one could out drink him."

"We weren't gone for that long…" Osamu mumbles, looking back at the scene.

"He's probably still a lightweight… Maybe?" Yosano mumbles back.

"You do realize you two have been gone for thirty minutes, right? Naomi was actually getting pretty irritated." Ranpo responds, and they both look up at the clock in surprise.

Sure enough, they'd been gone for thirty minutes.

"Did it really take me that long to place the candles?" Yosano asks, and Osamu shrugs.

"I didn't think it was that long."

"So like, can I elect Dazai for Atsushi duty. He's been at this non-stop, and I don't think Tanizaki can keep up with him. Kunikida is about to blow a gasket, too."

"I can't believe this." Yosano says, and then she turns to Osamu.

"The ears and tail?" Osamu asks, and Ranpo shrugs.

"Naomi had mentioned a costume party for her birthday next year and asked Atsushi what he wanted to be. Though at this point, I think he's forgotten that he's even sprouted ears in the first place."

"There you are!" Naomi says, placing her hands on her hips. "We've been waiting forever."

"What is happening?" Yosano whispers to him, but before he can speak, he is bum-rushed.

Osamu's ability negates Atsushi's strength, but it does not affect the feeling of pain that shoots up his spine and in the back of his head as he collides with the door. There is a solid second where the only thing he feels is the dull throb that spreads over him. He opens his eyes and looks down to see Atsushi. He's resting his chin on the line between his sternum and stomach, grinning up at him. His eyes are glistening, and his ears and tail have disappeared, a side effect of Osamu's ability. This does not deter Atsushi in the slightest, and Osamu immediately agrees with Ranpo that Atsushi had indeed forgotten they were there.

"Dazai-san!" He chirps, and Osamu is certain that if his tail was still there, it would be flipping around in the air with excitement. "I caught a Dazai-san!"

There is a soft chuckle that falls over his coworkers. Even Kunikida just sighs instead of getting annoyed. Osamu can't explain what is happening. He tries to come up with an excuse, denying the truth that hits him like a ton of bricks. Maybe he's sick and has been hit by a sudden fever, or maybe it's the fact that Atsushi had declared it so sweetly. Or maybe… just maybe it's the way Atsushi looks at him like he's just 'caught' the most beautiful thing in the world that has every blood vessel in Osamu's body flooding into his face, and down the curve of his neck.

Osamu is forced to look away, covering his face with his hand, and his eyes flicker over to Yosano, who crouches down to check on him.

"Are you okay?" She asks, checking the back of his head with her fingers, causing him to flinch a little, but there is no blood, so really he's fine.

"I'm fine." He clears his throat, trying to school his features back into place, but no matter what, he can't get the heat to leave him.

"Atsushi," Yosano sighs, and Atsushi pouts, turning to look at Yosano like he is about to get scolded. "We've talked about this. You can't do stuff like that."

"B-but…" He mumbles something, and Osamu doesn't catch it, but Yosano does.

"I realize that, but you are too strong for that. You could hurt someone doing that." She turns to look away from him. "Even with his ability, Dazai isn't impervious to harm."

Osamu feels a little sore, but he's no worse for wear, so he just sighs. He does feel the sudden need to ask Yosano why she and Atsushi have had a conversion about Atsushi not pouncing on people, but he will save that for another time as Atsushi wiggles around in his lap, pulling Osamu's attention to him.

"I'm sorry, Dazai-san." He is pouting still, but he does look rather apologetic about the whole thing.

Osamu reaches up to pat his head. "Don't fall for it." Yosano warns, but she is too late as Osamu pats Atsushi's head fondly.

Osamu's head hits the door again as Atsushi flings himself into his chest. He refrains from making a noise indicating that it hurts, but he doubts Atsushi even notices as he rests his ear against Osamu's chest. The warmth is short-lived as Atsushi flips around to look at Yosano.

"Yosano-san, Dazai-san's heart is going to explode."

"He's probably just startled." Yosano says, but her lips twitch like she's trying to suppress a smile. "Dazai, why don't you take Atsushi home." She says after she considers something for a moment. "He can keep an eye on your heart."

Osamu has never been more thankful in his life. He is perfectly happy to let this whole thing be a bad dream. "Sure. Let's go, Atsushi-kun."

It doesn't take much fight to convince Atsushi that it's time to leave. Especially when Tanizaki assures him that he had fun. Atsushi buries his head into Osamu's shoulder, mumbling something that no one will ever know before he starts humming a familiar song. When they are about a block away from the dorms, Osamu finds that he can't handle it anymore, and then he asks.

"What song is that, Atsushi-kun?"

"Skinny Love." He declares with a bright smile. "Naomi showed it to me."

"You hum it every time we walk home like this, so I was curious."

"It's an English song. It's really pretty, and Naomi was nice enough to tell me what it was about it."

Osamu reaches the steps and begins to climb up them. "What is it about?"

"Well, the song is about being with someone because you are comfortable with them versus loving them, but Naomi told me there were two meanings to skinny love."

"What is the other meaning?" Osamu asks, closing his door with his foot.

"Being too shy to admit you are in love with someone." He says as Osamu slips off his shoes and carries him over to the futon.

This is becoming a routine, and Osamu is certain that it isn't a good thing. Then he is hit with a whole new thought when he turns to grab Atsushi's usual attire for when he stays over. Atsushi is in love with someone at the office. It has to be. He hadn't mentioned meeting anyone new, and the only thing that all three incidents had taken place was the entire office, minus the kids, had been there. It could be anyone, so Osamu starts running all of Atsushi's drunk words through his head.

He. Atsushi had said 'he', so it wasn't any of the girls. Ranpo may be a chaos goblin, but he wouldn't let it affect the office (Fukuzawa's health in particular) if it involved him, so he was out. Kunikida had seemed concerned, so he knew something, but again, he was straightforward. He would have said something to Atsushi, especially after the convenience store incident. Chuuya wasn't around this time, so thankfully, Osamu crossed him off the list. That left… Tanizaki.

He's trying, straining, to figure out a reason that it couldn't be him. That it couldn't be Tanizaki, but nothing comes to mind. The more he thinks, the more damning it gets. Tanizaki had been at the table on Atsushi's birthday, and he'd been hesitant to drink until Tanizaki had reassured him. On Osamu's birthday, Tanizaki had sat next to Atsushi, and Naomi had clung to him the whole time. Then today, Atsushi had been in direct contact with Tanizaki, and he popped out cat ears and a tail. The minute he realized Osamu was in the room, he flung himself at him, and he didn't even fight this time to go home.

Atsushi is in love with… Tanizaki.

"Dazai-san?"

Atsushi breaks him from his thoughts, and Osamu sees that he's giving him a nervous look, now fully dressed and ready for bed. Osamu helps him settle into the futon, sheds his coat before Atsushi can reach out to him, and settles in next to him, flopping on his back with a sigh. Atsushi wiggles around for a moment, nudging at Osamu's arm until he lifts it up confused. Osamu's heart nearly jumps out of his mouth when Atsushi settles onto his chest.

"Uh… Atsushi-kun?" Osamu isn't sure what to do with his arm, hovering over Atsushi, afraid that if he touches him, he will break in his hold.

"Yosano-san said to keep an eye on your heart." He yawns, eyes closed already. "I like Dazai-san alive."

It takes Osamu a moment to settle, but then he finds his fingers curling into Atsushi's shirt in frustration. He dozed off for a couple of hours, and when Osamu woke up, Atsushi was still there. He pulled him closer so he could smell the cinnamon of his shampoo and the distinct smell of liquor on his breath.

Atsushi wakes in the morning. He's embarrassed and stumbling over apologies. It is all silenced when Osamu just shoves his head back down to his chest. Atsushi squeaks and immediately asks him what is happening, and the only thing Osamu can come up with is that he isn't feeling well, and Atsushi needs to keep an eye on his heart. Osamu doesn't let up until Atsushi is forced to submit to his selfish demands, but none of it is a lie. Osamu doesn't feel good. His chest aches, and his stomach feels like he might vomit.

Jealousy. Osamu's brain supplies, and he clings to Atsushi even closer.

Kunikida calls him at some point, barking that they are both late for their shift, and if Osamu hangs up on him and turns his phone on silent, that is his business. He will take the scolding tomorrow. He needs this because he doesn't think he can handle seeing Tanizaki right now.

Atsushi, whose face is burning with heat, doesn't move away. At first, he squirms around, but eventually, he settles and just lets Osamu cling to him.

It is very calming to have the weight of your world in your arms.

(⋑ ･ิᴗ･ิ)ε ･ิ ⋐)

Osamu is unnerved. This doesn't happen often, and there are only three people in the world who can do it. One of them is gone, and he has been for a long time. The second was Atsushi, who had been leaving for lunch when Osamu had been pulled away. The last one, and probably the one that was the most scary in his personal opinion, was sitting before him with a cup of tea in his hand.

Fukuzawa didn't say anything as he held his cup of tea in front of him. His eyes were closed as he seemed to take in the fragrance. The longer it takes him, the more unnerved Osamu gets. Osamu expects this to be a tactic Fukuzawa is trying. He must realize Osamu is good at spinning circles around people, so he's trying the silent treatment. He's showing his disappointment. Osamu can feel it in the air, but he hasn't said a single thing.

The longer he sits, the worse it gets. He knows before long his neutral expression will crack. Already, his fingers are tapping on the arm rest, and he can feel his toes curl in his shoes. It would end if he admitted his wrongdoing, but he refuses to divulge information until he knows what Fukuzawa knows.

Never give your opponent the upper hand… Even if it was Fukuzawa. Especially if it's Fukuzawa. He had a particular way of making Osamu regret things that he'd done. It used to come in the form of looks and a scolding tone. The silence… This is new, and Osamu can't determine if this is better or far worse than he expected. Either way, he hates it.

Fukuzawa, after what feels like a thousand years, takes a drink of his tea and hums in appreciation before opening his eyes. "I believe we need to have a conversation."

Osamu decides he liked the silence better. Fukuzawa is good at pinpointing his questions so that Osamu has to process the whole thing before answering. It is like dodging invisible and well placed mines. It's nearly impossible, but Osamu has done far worse.

He adjusts in his chair, crossing his legs out in front of him with a stretch. "Sure." He smiles, tilting his head. "What would you like to talk about, Boss?"

"Tanizaki."

Osamu's smile twitches, but he manages to keep it up. "Hm?"

Fukuzawa sighs and places his cup down in front of him. "I figured you'd be difficult about this, so I will be up front. It stops now."

Osamu's smile stays, but his eyes darken just a fraction. "I have been rather pleasant considering the circumstances."

"I suppose you haven't tried something more dangerous, but I have known you long enough to know that it will only escalate from this point." Fukuzawa tucks his hands in his sleeves, folding them in front of him. "You are a reasonable man, Dazai. You must see that what is happening is only going to get worse from here unless you deal with it."

"I am dealing with it." Osamu's fingers grip the arms of the chair he is sitting in.

Fukuzawa considers something for a moment before speaking. "Thumb tacks, shoving, and randomly placed glitter bombs around the office are not the actions of a reasonable man."

"I have reasons." Osamu blurts, a hot feeling of betrayal causing him to clamp his lips shut.

"Yet you have not alluded to what that is." Fukuzawa makes a show of offering with his arm. "The stage is yours."

"There is a reason." Osamu's brow crinkles as he thinks. "A good one."

"Yes. I see."

"Do I smell mint?" Osamu asks with a small sniff of the air. "It smells more fragrant than your usual tea.

"Don't try to change the subject. Your reason?"

Ah. There goes that tactic. New approach.

"You are overreacting. It's just a couple of friendly little pranks, Boss." Osamu gives him a bright smile, body halting in all movements.

Fukuzawa nods twice and then pulls a photo out from his sleeve to toss in front of Osamu. "This is a photo of the tips of Tanizaki's fingers. Yosano was nice enough to take photos at my request. As you can see," He gestures a hand, and without meaning to, Osamu looks down at the picture. "They have been poked to the point of swelling and bruising." He tucks his hands back in his sleeves. "She also mentioned that she'd seen a case of this before. Chuuya-san had similar markings on the tips of his fingers. She also mentioned that her phone had been tampered with, her tools had been rearranged, and that Chuuya-san had come to her on multiple occasions to get various objects removed from his person. There was even an incident of him being glued to his chair."

Osamu is quiet. Not moving, but processing. He'd been so good at covering his tracks. The only person that could have possibly known was Ranpo, and Ranpo did have a thing going on with Chuuya. That bastard ratted him out.

He opens his mouth to speak, but Fukuzawa cuts him off. "Yes. Ranpo told me. I suspect he's known for a long time, but he said nothing because he thought it was funny. That is until Yosano had mentioned Chuuya-san." Osamu's lips clamp shut, and his fingers begin to tap on the arm of the chair. "He told me everything, so there is nothing to hide."

"I have nothing to hide." Osamu tries, crossing his arms over his chest. "You on the other hand, seem to have no problem hiding things. It is really quite the character flaw."

Fukuzawa doesn't even flinch. "I would say your biggest mistake was starting with Chuuya, or perhaps it was the idea that you targeted Tanizaki instead of self-reflecting." He stares Osamu down, holding his gaze with a ferociousness. "No Longer Human has always made it difficult for you to process your emotions. However, this time, you have simply refused to deal with your jealousy of others being around Atsushi because you are scared of what it means." He gives Osamu a small but pleasant smile. The smile of a monster, in Osamu's opinion. "That is your biggest character flaw."

Osamu flinches at that one, eyes shooting down to study a scuff on the top of his shoe. He's processing, but for whatever reason, any road he follows leads back to that ugly, horrendous, green monster that lives in his chest. He can't shake it as it clings onto his heart and causes his stomach acid to erode at his very insides. It is… overwhelming, and if he's honest (which sometimes he's not), scary.

"So I will ask again. What is your reason?" Fukuzawa doesn't remove his eyes from him, but they aren't as hard as they had been before. "Take your time. I have all day."

Osamu hates this. Emotions. No Longer Human had always made them muted and much harder to process than others. Things like hate and anger came as naturally as breathing. He could identify them because in the Port Mafia, those things had been all he'd been surrounded by. Then he'd met Odasaku and Ango. It had taken him months to process the feeling of comradery. It was a feeling that he hadn't known before. Don't even get him started on his weird relationship with Chuuya, who he tortured, but found there was a strange comfort in having the man around.

He is silent for some time. He isn't sure he even remembers how to speak, but then he remembers that Fukuzawa had no plans on letting him leave that didn't involve a fight to the death. In spite of the current situation, Osamu likes Fukuzawa, and while he doesn't mind death, he is certain Fukuzawa will not kill him as part of some sick form of punishment. He will simply beat him into submission.

Osamu thinks he should get better at hand to hand combat.

He then realizes that is a lot of work, and that is what Kunikida is for.

He swallows, trying to make the words fall into his stomach so they can melt away into nothing. They don't, falling from his lips instead. "I-" He nibbles on his lip but then sighs in defeat. "I don't know what I'm doing." He mumbles, hoping that Fukuzawa will let this go. He doesn't, but Osamu can hope.

"Hm." Fukuzawa nods. "You are jealous, and it is causing you to act out against the one you are jealous of. It isn't something that is uncommon, though I must say I'm surprised that you have chosen to ignore it for so long."

"I wasn't ignoring it." Osamu bites, looking up at Fukuzawa, but then he looks away. He's uncertain if that is the truth. "I- I mean- I-" He clasps his lips shut, thoughts racing so fast that he doesn't even get a chance to acknowledge half of them.

"When did you find out?"

Osamu blinks and looks back at him. "Tanizaki's birthday. Yosano mentioned something about it."

"What made you choose Tanizaki as a target?" Osamu opens his mouth, but Fukuzawa holds up his hand to silence him. "You don't have to tell me what it is, but you know the reason, right?"

Osamu nods his head. "Yes…"

"Then you are, in fact, ignoring it." Fukuzawa states, incredibly calm. "Tell me. Why do you think you are feeling jealous of Tanizaki?"

"I- He- It feels… wrong to tell you." Osamu admits, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck.

"I don't make a habit of sharing anyone's personal information. If you tell me in secrecy, it will stay that way."

"I'm not sure why." Osamu shifts in the seat. "I mean, I'm jealous, but I don't know why. Yosano said something about me always being that way, but I'd never really noticed it until she brought it up." He runs a hand through his hair and exhales a breath. "I just don't like it."

"So you are jealous of the people that Atsushi shows affection for." Fukuzawa says, and Osamu's brain clicks into place. "Osamu," Osamu stiffens at the sound of his first name. "Is it at all possible that you are experiencing jealousy because you like Atsushi?"

The floor drops out from beneath him. There is a solid second that he can't breathe as his mouth opens and closes several times. Nothing comes out except broken words of denial, but they don't amount to anything because his thoughts raced so hard that the world was now spinning.

There is no way that Osamu is in love with-

"Oh!" He shoots out of his chair, eyes so wide that the moon would find envy in them. "Oh! Oh!"

It is as if it's the only word he knows, and his whole body becomes frantic as he begins to pace back and forth in front of Fukuzawa's desk. He doesn't even stop when he smacks his knee off the chair. Fukuzawa says nothing, just watching him go back and forth while he processes.

Fukuzawa hadn't said anything about being in love. He had said like, and Osamu's brain had changed it to love. He'd changed it to love because his head had translated it that way. He was in love with Atsushi. The very idea that he was in love in general was an oddity, but he considers that a secondary feeling when considering that the bigger picture is that he is in love with Atsushi. He's in love with Atsushi, and seeing Atsushi kiss Chuuya and Yosano on the cheek made him jealous. He wanted to be the only one who received kisses from Atsushi. And Tanizaki…

He stops dead in his tracks.

He, Dazai Osamu, was in love with Nakajima Atsushi, who was in love with Tanizaki Jun'ichirō.

His heart plummets into the deepest part of his stomach. Then, he begins the seven stages of grief. His initial shock dies down. Then comes the denial. The denial slips out of his mouth, but Fukuzawa doesn't comment. Then, he begins to feel incredibly guilty. Most of it is focused on his selfishness in keeping Atsushi glued to him the day after Tanizaki's birthday. The other half was directed at the idea that he'd been attacking the person he loved by attacking the person that Atsushi loved. Then begins the bargaining, which also slips out of his mouth in soft whispers of, "Atsushi please forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The anger is next, feeling an intense hatred for Tanizaki, who has stolen Atsushi's affections from him, then the depressing realization that for the first time in his life he is craving something, and like all other things, he can not obtain it.

The acceptance doesn't come, but he's so overwhelmed by the other emotions that he sits down in the chair to stare at Fukuzawa. Fukuzawa isn't looking at him, choosing to take a drink from his cup with a soft sigh in appreciation. At least someone is happy. Osamu certainly isn't. His whole body wants to fold in on itself until he doesn't exist anymore.

"I don't know what to do." Osamu whispers, the sound of his voice sounding loud in the silence of the room.

"It depends on how you would like to proceed with this realization." Fukuzawa's voice is soothing to Osamu's bones, but not his heart. "There are many options to take. You could go on as you are. A mess of feelings with no outlet, which will cause you to isolate yourself from your co-workers."

Based on the look on Fukuzawa's face, Osamu is going to assume that isn't really an option.

"You could shove these feelings down and let them fade with time, or even just ignore them. Though I doubt it will last long term. You are already reeling with the realization."

This isn't wrong, so that was out too.

"Or," Fukuzawa keeps his expression even while he speaks. "You could simply tell him how you feel."

"No!" Osamu shouts, flinging himself out of his chair. "I- I can't do that. He's- He's-"

Already in love with someone else. He says it so well in his head, but he can't speak it out loud. He doesn't want to make it real. He's already overwhelmed, and it will only make it worse.

"So you will not fight?"

Osamu blinks at him with surprise sparkling in his eyes. "What?"

"That is an option, Osamu." Fukuzawa puts his cup down on his desk. "Not a physical altercation, please, but rather confessing to him. It seems rather unfair not to share this with Atsushi. It is as if you are taking away his ability to make decisions for himself, and I believe it goes without saying that Atsushi has struggled with that in the past."

Osamu flinches and tucks his chin to his chest while he thinks. "B-but I can't just push that onto him."

"That is an interesting way to view it, but I believe he wouldn't feel burdened in the slightest. There could be a bit of awkwardness, but isn't that better than continuing down this path and losing him all together."

Osamu swallows. "I don't know if I can say it…" He admits, fingers digging into his slacks. "I don't know if I can handle that feeling of- I don't know if I can keep working here like this."

"How about this?" Osamu looks up as Fukuzawa pulls out a sheet of paper and slides it over to Osamu. It is a bereavement form. "I want you to fill this out. The dates can be filled in later after you've spoken to Atsushi."

"This is for grieving, Boss." Osamu looks at him as if he's grown a second head.

"Yes, no one will bat an eye if I submit this form for you. You are listed as a special case because your ability mutes your emotions. It has been discussed before that you will need more time than others to process serious emotional curves." Fukuzawa offers him a pen. "This is a serious emotional curve."

Osamu hesitates for a moment, but then he takes the pen.

Osamu fills out the form, and it is only then that Fukuzawa allows him to retreat back to his desk. He sits down, feeling incredibly heavy as if he is being stepped on by an elephant. He thinks his ribs might fall to pieces, but he keeps his breathing even. Fukuzawa said it would help with the weight, but Osamu is pretty certain he lied to him with the intention of helping him.

Osamu can do this. It is all about the right time, or rather place. He isn't certain about this, but what he is certain of is that he doesn't want to be rejected and have everyone looking at him with prying eyes. He would not be around the others, so it was a matter of finding a moment to take Atsushi aside, blurt it at him, and then run away because it was easier that way.

He knew the answer already, so there was no need for him to stay and hear it. He didn't need or want that kind of confirmation.

The door to the office opens, but Osamu doesn't look up until he hears Atsushi's voice. He is carrying a plastic bag in his hand. It is probably his leftovers from lunch. He's saying something to Tanizaki, who laughs and delivers a compliment that makes Atsushi's cheeks glow with pride. The sight makes Osamu feel a little queasy, so he looks back to his desk.

Osamu is running scenarios, realistic ones with a small hint of unrealistic ones that seem to sneak into his head. Every time he thinks he's got the perfect plan, an unrealistic scenario pops into his brain and ruins it. Atsushi wouldn't say yes, and yet there is a small bit of hope that he can't crush between his fingertips and let fly into the wind. He reeks of sadness that rolls off of him in waves. It is enough that everyone picks up on it, and even Ranpo cracks his eyes open for a minute or two so that he can take him in.

His concentration breaks when he feels Atsushi standing beside him.

"Dazai-san," Atsushi offers up the plastic bag for Osamu to take. "I brought you lunch."

Osamu smiles, but it doesn't even come close to his eyes. "Thank you, Atsushi-kun."

Atsushi shrugs before sitting down in his seat. "It's no problem. Somehow, I just knew you'd skip lunch, so I bought you something in an attempt to make you feel guilty enough to eat it." Atsushi looks over at him with a smile. "Did it work?"

Osamu's face aches. "Yeah. It worked."

Atsushi's smile fades a little, eyes scanning over Osamu's face. "Dazai-san, are you okay? You look really tired."

"Huh? Oh um… Yeah. Just a little." Osamu can't get his face to work. He can't get his face to stop showing what he doesn't want to be seen. "I think I need to lay down for a moment."

"You should use the cot in Yosano-san's office. Kunikida won't yell at you then." Atsushi suggests, and Osamu reaches up to ruffle his hair.

Osamu is overwhelmed with the feeling that this will be the last time he will feel the soft, silvery strands. "Thank you, Atsushi."

Atsushi drops his pen in surprise, eyes widening up at Osamu, but he just offers Atsushi a soft smile before heading to Yosano's office.

Yosano is seated at her desk, typing something on the computer. It could be a case file. It could be a physical sheet. She looks up, her eyes sparkling with surprise when she sees it is him. She takes him in, his face, but her eyes linger on his eyes, staring into them as if she can see the deepest pits of his mind.

The sound of her heels clicking against the floor is loud in the silence of the room, only becoming quiet when she is standing in front of him. "I'll run interference, so just take as much time as you-"

He hugs her, burying his face into her shoulder. Her spine stiffens, but she doesn't pull away. She just lets him stay there, and when she's registered that he is hugging her, really hugging her, she wraps her arms around him. One of her hands comes up to pet the back of his head, and the other rests on his shoulder.

"Everything will be fine, Dazai."

"It doesn't feel fine." His voice breaks, and he feels incredibly sick with how broken he sounds. "It feels awful."

"It rarely does." She whispers into his shoulder and pulls him back to meet his gaze. "You don't have to talk about it. I know it's not really your thing, but I'll listen."

"Thank you, Yosano-sensei." He hugs her again, and she hugs him back just as tight.

(ó‸ò)

Osamu hasn't removed his eyes from the window. The sound of the drops hitting against the glass, and the way it slides down the window is calming, or at least it is something that can hold his focus. There is a sense of peace that he hasn't felt for the last few weeks that comes from looking out the window. There is a sense of concentration that is neither consuming or demanding. It is just mindless, and Osamu has been all about mindless since his conversation with Fukuzawa. Mindless meant he didn't have to feel, and feeling was so hard these days.

The office had been rather quiet today. There had been the occasional mission, but Osamu had been benched by Fukuzawa, so he could 'process' and 'deal' with the situation at hand. Osamu had no idea what processing and dealing with the situation meant, and when he tried to argue this, Fukuzawa had shut him down by saying that he'd be useless in the field if he couldn't even focus on getting his paperwork done. Fukuzawa's solution had been to make him a glorified secretary, and for once, Osamu actually missed his paperwork. It was a lot nicer than dealing with everyone else's paperwork.

Naomi had been put in charge of him, and in some sort of sick twist, she worked him like a dog. He supposes he deserved it. He had been torturing her brother for weeks, starting the day after his birthday, so he would have to deal with it. She had settled down quite a bit this week, but Osamu suspects that has less to do with her forgiving him, and more to do with Kenji's birthday party. He doesn't have to look at his calendar to know that it's today. He'd vaguely heard the happy birthdays, and congratulations passed around by his friends.

Osamu is thankful that Kenji hadn't questioned, or gotten upset with him when Osamu offered up a tired happy birthday. Kenji had just smiled at him, and gave him a thumbs up which Osamu hadn't bothered to process fully. Osamu chopped it up to Kenji being his normal confusing self, and went back to staring out the window.

Kenji's birthday usually fell on a bright sunny day, and he enjoyed going out to a ramen shop just down the street, so he could share a bowl with his friends. Then they would return to the office, and have a small celebration with cake before calling it a night. He was always grateful for any presents he'd receive, and would often remind them that he didn't need anything besides all of them to be together. Sometimes there were no presents, and Kenji never minded. Sometimes they couldn't go out for ramen because the shop was closed. The only thing he insisted on was a cake.

Kenji liked to make wishes. It was the only thing he cared about on his birthday. He'd make one wish every year, and it was always something rather simple. He'd wish for vague things, things that would happen at some point. He'd want things like having a great time with friends, or hoping that Kyōka would continue to beat Fukuzawa in every strategic game they played against each other. One year he'd wished that he didn't have to see Yosano for emergency healing, and that happened only because it was and is incredibly hard to injure Kenji.

He never told anyone what his wish was until it came true. He was under the belief that if he told someone, anyone, that it wouldn't come true. It didn't matter how many times he was asked. He wouldn't cave until it came true. It usually happened at rather strange times. He'd shout it out after they'd spent time together, or whenever Kyōka would finish a game against Fukuzawa. He even celebrated with Yosano when he announced his wish to her.

Kenji was strange, and on any other day Osamu would have called it a childish whim. Today it felt more like an endearing trait that Osamu himself felt he wanted to possess. Osamu wanted to believe in wishes, wanted to have some kind of magic power that made those wishes come true. Osamu has so many things he'd like to wish for. He would like the pain to stop. The dull ache in his chest that sometimes leaves him crumpled up in hallways, or if he can make it, Yosano's office. It was usually Fukuzawa's office though. It was usually closer, and Fukuzawa would almost always call Yosano in after a few moments, so really it was the best of both worlds.

They never pushed him to speak. They didn't even bring the idea up after their initial prompting. Everything after that was just comfort. Fukuzawa would offer him tea, or make small talk to keep his mind off everything that was happening to him if only for a moment. Yosano would come in, or stand from her desk and she would let him cling to her until her warmth became his own. Sometimes he'd have panic attacks in the hallways, and Yosano would come find him before anyone else could discover him. She would even give into his requests to have his heart examined because he was certain that it was broken.

("It's not broken, Dazai." "How do you know if you don't check?" "Fine, but I'm not filling out paperwork, so I'm only checking your heart." "What if my blood is poisoning my heart?" "For the love of- No, Dazai.")

Kunikida had left him alone. At first he'd been a bit irritated by the whole thing, but he eventually caught on that something was wrong. He still complained under his breath, but Osamu knows it's just his way of trying to make the situation feel normal to him. Whether it was for Osamu or for himself, Osamu wasn't certain. He was sure everyone felt a little weird about it. He knows for certain that he did. It felt so overwhelming and he was tired. Even when he'd sleep, he'd wake only to feel even more exhausted.

Ranpo had given Osamu a rather energetic speech about how he was in fact the greatest detective in the world, and that it would take a lot more to fool him. Osamu had acknowledged this with a simple nod before going back to whatever inane task that Naomi had sent him on. Then later, Ranpo appeared beside him at his desk, and said that he only went to Fukuzawa because Osamu had begun to overdo it. Osamu again gave him a silent nod. This must have made Ranpo feel uncomfortable enough that when Osamu came in the next day there was a package of Ranpo's favorite snack on his desk. It was a Ranpo apology, which was rare. Osamu kept the bag on his desk, but he didn't dare eat it. He didn't have the stomach to eat much of anything right now.

Kenji had brought him an origami calendar. Each day there was a new origami creation to make, and all he had to do was read the instructions, and then fold the calendar sheet as expected. At first he hadn't used it, but around the fourth day of owning it he noticed there was an origami shape for a ring. It had brought him to a whole daydream about giving it to Atsushi, so of course he had to make it. It ended up in the drawer of his desk, and sometimes he'd look at it with a glimmer of hope before closing it to stamp it out. The next day had been a cat, and the one after that had been a cute potted plant. It devolved from there, and soon he had a million origami objects scattered all over the office.

It felt nice to create something. Osamu had never done that before. In his previous line of work it had always been about destruction, and sometimes that feeling lingers in the back of his head for his current job. Creating something left a light feeling in his chest, but once the origami was finished the feeling would creep into him. It would drain him of all his warmth, and the ache would return. It was all at once, and consuming. Sometimes he'd reach up to grab his chest, trying, pleading for his heart to stop screaming. Other times he'd end up in Fukuzawa's office.

Osamu couldn't even form a smile anymore. His fake smiles felt so forced on his face that they would fade away before they could convince anybody that he was fine. He couldn't even breathe when he looked at Atsushi. It didn't matter if he was half a mile away, or sitting next to him at his desk. Osamu couldn't look at him, couldn't breathe, or think, and the only thing he could think about was how much he wanted this to stop. How much he wanted to hold Atsushi. How much he wished he was Tanizaki.

Tanizaki's fingertips had recovered, and it had taken weeks, but most of the glitter was out of his hair. Some pieces could still be found, but it was much better than before. Osamu had replaced the clothes he'd ruined, and even went out of his way to help Tanizaki whenever he needed it. It wasn't an apology, but Osamu wasn't ready for that, and honestly he feels that Naomi going overboard with her revenge was apology enough, but he's working on it. The only reason he's sitting at his desk right now is because Naomi had taken off with Atsushi to set up for Kenji's party.

… And then there was Atsushi. He'd been the hardest part of this whole thing. Osamu couldn't avoid him. He literally sat next to him at work. That is why he spent more time with the incredibly bossy Naomi, or clinging to Yosano and Fukuzawa like they were the only thing keeping him above water. They were the only thing keeping him above water. He couldn't look at Atsushi without his heart thudding so loud he could feel it come out of his mouth if he pried his lips shut. Atsushi offered up smiles, and curious head tilts when Osamu could only muster up a ghost of one. He had offers for lunch, and even when Osamu declined, he'd bring him back food. Atsushi had taken over his late reports when he was put on light duty, so he could focus more on his current tasks. Atsushi who seemed more worried about Osamu than he did himself.

Atsushi was just Atsushi, and Osamu… Osamu was a mess.

Atsushi had run off after the end of his shift. He lingered a little bit before being called away by Naomi. She needed something, but Osamu could only guess because he hadn't been listening. He suspects that it must have something to do with Kenji's party.

Ranpo should be returning soon with Tanizaki. He'd gotten called out on a murder across town, and Tanizaki had been elected to go with him, so he wouldn't get lost on the trains. Kunikida had made a run with Kenji to pick out his cake. Fukuzawa lingered in his office while Yosano had left to help with streamers and whatever else they were getting up to. Kyōka had gone with her, and she occasionally would poke her head in as if to check on him before going back. Yosano was clearly still worried, and had sent Kyōka and had effectively put her on Osamu duty.

He sighs, closing his eyes to take in the silence of the office with nothing but the pitter patter of the rain tapping against the window. It is so peaceful, and yet he knows that if he keeps his eyes closed long enough his thoughts will flood him, and his heart will race. Everything will become overwhelming, and all at once. The jealousy, the hatred, and of course the feeling of his heart breaking.

"Dazai-san," Kyōka's voice makes his eyes open, and he takes her presence in before turning to her. "Kenji and Kunikida-san are back. Ranpo-san and Tanizaki-san will be here in a few minutes. Yosano-san said to grab you. Fukuzawa-sama has already went."

"Mm?" He tilts his head as if considering her statement before giving a stiff nod. It's tradition after all. "Alright," He stands at his full height, taking one last glance out the window before turning to her. "I'm coming."

She doesn't move, shifting on her feet and looking out the window before speaking. "You are… scaring everyone."

"Hm?" Osamu waves a hand flippantly in the air as if to wave off her worries. "Everything is fine, Kyōka-chan."

She sighs, and turns her gaze back to him, her eyes incredibly hard. "You are scaring me."

He doesn't even give pause to this, giving her a small pat on her head as he moves past her for the door. "I'm just working on something. It is fine."

"You are scaring Atsushi-nii."

Osamu freezes in his spot, turning his tired eyes to her with a slowness that he didn't know he possessed. "What?"

"He's noticed." She doesn't turn to him, still looking out the window. "He is having a hard time sleeping, and he more or less picks at his food." She turns to him finally, staring him down with dark eyes. "He is internalizing it."

"I don't understand." Osamu's voice raises a little, but she doesn't startle. "He hasn't done anything wrong. In fact it's me. I'm doing something… wrong. It's… me." He breathes, hand coming up to clutch at his shirt.

She walks past him and over to the door, lingering there in thought. "You know how Atsushi-nii is. He won't listen to reason. He never does when it comes to you."

And with that she is gone, leaving Osamu alone in the office.

Kenji is speaking animatedly with Kyōka when he enters. Kenji pauses in his conversation to give Osamu a big excited wave before returning to what he was saying. Yosano is placing candles in Kenji's cake. She is always trying to make sure they don't smoosh the decorative parts on the cake, and Kunikida is getting antsy with each well placed candle. Naomi is standing next to Atsushi, and by all appearances she seems to be talking his ear off. Atsushi looks overwhelmed as his cheeks flush with a healthy pink.

Osamu wonders what she is saying, and then he looks away deciding that he doesn't.

"Hey!" Ranpo sounds, and everyone turns to see him come through the door. "Look who I found."

Chuuya sighs as he follows behind him, Tanizaki trickling in after. "'Found' is sort of subjective here. I was already on my way up."

Chuuya's eyes drift around for a moment, clearly looking for someone, and when he spots Atsushi he makes a beeline. "Be right back." He tosses over his shoulder to Ranpo, who shrugs at him.

"Duty calls." Ranpo grins at Osamu and gives him a thumbs up. "Let's get this party started."

"Perfect." Yosano claps her hands together, and Kenji bounces over to her without her needing to prompt.

He waits for all the candles to be lit, a short spring of singing, and then he claps both his hands together in a short prayer before blowing out the candles.

He beams at the group. "Wish accomplished!"

"What did you wish for this year, Kenji?" Kyōka asks him, but he just grins at her.

"Can't say! It won't come true if I do."

Kenji opens his presents next. Osamu makes his escape then. Kenji opens his presents next, and that's when Osamu makes his escape. Ranpo had left the door open when he'd come in, so Osamu should thank him for this. Osamu slips past the office doors, and shuts the emergency exit door as quietly as possible. There was no need to alert everyone right away. They would notice his absence sooner rather than later. It was best to slow down the process, rather than alert them to his location right away. The roof will be the last place they will look. He hadn't been up there since he first realized what was going on because Yosano had talked him down.

("That looks like a lot of people." "You aren't wrong." "I seldom am." "... I'll come back in.")

The door to the roof is heavier than the wooden ones inside. It is thicker, drops hitting the metal surface in clunks that sound so appealing that Osamu doesn't even hesitate to open it. There is a certain peace that comes over him when the sound of the rain takes over his ears. His heart is so calm as he reaches down to prop the door open with a loose brick, so it doesn't lock behind him. He doesn't have his phone, but even then that hardly matters to him. Osamu wouldn't call anyone for help anyway.

There is a sense of peacefulness that comes over him when he steps out in the rain. There is no noise but the rain. It drowns out all his senses, leaving nothing but a steady stillness that Osamu is okay with. The color of grey surrounds him, striking out any color that has ever existed beyond it. It fits his mood, solemn, and heartbroken. There is an overwhelming thought that perhaps this is the color that he will spend the rest of his days seeing. He's never felt this feeling before. It is too much at once, but he can't even dial it back a fraction to find some form of release. There is simply nothing to do, but sit back and feel.

What a painful way to die. Osamu has had this thought before, but even when it floats around his brain there is a soft whispering that tickles in the back of his mind. I don't mind. Not really.

He stands in what he thinks is the middle of the roof. The rain hits him harder, soaking into the fabric of his coat, and drenching his button down sleeves. It is nice. The chill of the rain, the dampness of his coat, but it is when he closes his eyes to turn his face to the sky that he smiles. His brain can see colors this way, brilliant, and shiny with laughter. The hues glisten, and the curve of Atsushi's lips as he smiles is breathtaking. He bites his lip when he thinks, or feels uncertain about something. The roughness of the calluses on his hands as they dig into the fabric of Osamu's shirt. The cinnamon of his hair, the soft silvery strands that are so nice to the touch. It is everything that Osamu wants, and even if he can't have it, even if the craving of his happiness can not be returned. He has these thoughts, these pictures to remind him that it is okay to love Atsushi, even if he would never be his.

He had always believed that to feel pain was to feel alive. That if there was nothing worth craving then life was meaningless, but this feeling. The love that blooms in his chest, carving veins into his ribs so that it may grow into something beautiful. It was wonderful. There is pain, but it means nothing when he thinks of Atsushi. There is craving, enough that Osamu wants to eat pointless meals with Atsushi everyday for the rest of his life. Even on his birthday, especially on his birthday.

He wonders what Odasaku would think. What he would say to Osamu in this moment, the advice he would give for such a mix of thoughts. It was painful, and yet the closest Osamu has ever been to feeling alive. He doesn't want it to end, but he doesn't know if he can go on like this. Fukuzawa had offered up that bereavement form. It was in the side drawer of his desk, waiting for him to fill in the dates, but he hadn't even thought about it since he'd placed it there. He didn't want to part himself from Atsushi's presence, even if it made his stomach acid devour butterflies as easily as he loses breath when he catches Atsushi's eyes for a fleeting glance.

There is an intrusion of his thoughts, the dimming of his eyelids, and as quickly as the thoughts had come, they disappeared. He had been found, it would seem, opening his eyes to catch the butterfly umbrella shielding him from the rain, and with it his thoughts.

Fukuzawa must be angry with him if he sent Yosano after him. She would scold him in Fukuzawa's place, and Osamu would do nothing but take it. He didn't have it in him anymore to laugh it off, or pretend that he was fine. The bereavement form pops into his head, and he decides that it is probably time to fill the rest of it out. He can't handle the jealousy, the anguish anymore. He needs to get away for a little while, do things that he enjoys, and become someone that just wants Atsushi to smile, even if it's not him that he is smiling at.

He sighs, preparing a million different excuses, but settles on just being honest. "I'm coming back now. I just needed to think."

"That's okay, Dazai-san."

Osamu's back is ridged at the sound of Atsushi's voice. He can't turn around. He can't face Atsushi right now, especially moments after he let himself drift into unknown places. His fingers dig into his coat pockets, and never in his life has he ever wished for another ability. One that allowed him to abscond from this situation without the need for actual running. If he ran, Atsushi would feel worse, internalize it more than he already has. Osamu doesn't want that, but still he is afraid of what he will do, or what he will say if he turns to Atsushi.

"I'm just worried, you know?" Atsushi's voice is barely heard above the rain, but his words settle into Osamu's ears with a weight that can't be explained. "You haven't been yourself lately, so when Yosano-san said you might be up on the roof - Ah. It doesn't matter. I'm just glad you are okay."

Osamu takes a deep breath. He had done far more nerve wracking things than look at the moon. The beauty of the moon is peaceful, and calming to him. There should be no reason to fear something so delicate and soft, and yet fear keeps him planted in place. He doesn't know what to do, and he is so scared to open his mouth as a thousand words swim around in his brain. Everything Osamu has ever wanted to say to him prickles at his lips only to all melt away when soft fingers touch his back, seeking acknowledgment. Osamu startles, and the fingers pull away as if they've been burned.

"Uh. Sorry, Dazai-san." Atsushi's voice sounds so small. Osamu can't stop himself from turning to look at him.

He isn't looking at Osamu, staring down at his shoes instead. His knuckles are white around the handle of the umbrella, and the soft silvery locks that Osamu wanted to touch again are shielding his eyes from sight. They look slightly damp as well as the shoulders of his shirt. There are even a few drops on the side of his neck as if he'd settled the umbrella over Osamu rather than himself. Atsushi's kindness to a fault. He's not even afraid to get sick for someone, but Osamu is certain it would take more than cold rain to put him down. Atsushi is always so warm.

"I um. I'll leave you alone, but could you take the umbrella at least?" Atsushi doesn't look at him while he speaks. "I don't want you to get sick."

Osamu tries to swallow his words down, but when he sees Atsushi's miserable shape he is reminded of Kyōka's words. Atsushi isn't eating, and he's barely sleeping. He is internalizing Osamu's silence, his movements as something that he has done rather than Osamu being a mess of feelings.

"Atsushi?" Osamu can barely hear himself over the rain, but Atsushi hears him as if he'd been shouting, jumping at the sound of his voice.

"Y-yeah?" He sputters, fingers loosening around the umbrella enough that it tilts just slightly.

"I'm fine, okay?" Osamu's tongue feels heavy in his mouth, the lie running like thick molasses down his throat. "Y-you don't need to worry about anything. You didn't do anything wrong."

Atsushi nibbles on his lip, and Osamu has never seen something so beautiful in his life. Atsushi's eyes flicker to him, and then there were no further thoughts on turning away. The yellow and the purple swirl together in a complexity of emotions, something that Osamu has reluctantly accepted that he isn't good at reading. He isn't capable of reading anyone. Not his friends, not himself, and certainly not Atsushi.

"No," Atsushi shakes his head, and Osamu doesn't understand at first. "P-please just take the umbrella. You shouldn't get sick just because… Because…"

Osamu swallows, and he can feel the beginning of his thoughts unraveling. He has no clue how to fix it, letting the strands gather in his head until they spill out into his hands. He isn't sure what he is supposed to say. He had accomplished the opposite of what he wanted watching Atsushi shrink in on himself. He needs to say something, do something to make Atsushi understand. To show him that it isn't Atsushi that is the problem, but Osamu. Atsushi could never be a problem. He is the center of everything in Osamu's world.

He has a million different thoughts flowing through his head, and he happens to make the mistake of opening his lips.

"I love you."

Atsushi's eyes widen, and his mouth opens a little, mimicking the words Osamu has just spoken to him before it fully sinks into him. "What?"

Osamu inhales sharp, shoving down anything that might make it worse, but Atsushi reaches up with warm fingers to brush them just below his lips. He opens his mouth again. "I love you."

Atsushi's other hand comes up, releasing the umbrella to tangle in Osamu's coat, the fabric wrinkling in his grasp. "S-say it again, please."

Osamu likes the way Atsushi's warm fingers press into the edge of his bottom lip, so he opens his mouth once more. "I love you."

Atsushi's fingers brush up past Oasmu's hairline, capturing the strands in a soft grasp. "P-please."

"I'm in love with you, Atsushi."

Osamu had only found peace in the idea of death, and the rain that poured down on them with fever. There was nothing that could refute this as nothing had ever brought about a silence that could make his head stop thinking. Osamu was wrong, a thought he only realizes when Atsushi drawls up on the balls of his feet, and presses his lips to Osamu's.

Atsushi's lips are wet from rain, but sweet like cake icing. His lips are soft, and the heat filters into Osamu, pulling him further and further until he isn't certain where he begins, and Atsushi ends. There is a tremble to Osamu's lips, but it settles all at once when Atsushi pulls him down with him when Atsushi's legs begin to tremble. Atsushi's fingers caressing the back of Osamu's head with soft pale fingers that tangle in his brown locks.

There is a hum in the back of Osamu's brain. It tells him to sink closer, take more of the sweet flavor of buttermilk frosting, and cake, so he does. He brings his hands up to Atsushi's shirt, pulling him closer, as close as they can be without being a mess of limbs and skin. The feeling of cold rain means nothing with Atsushi pressed into him. Osamu lingers in that warmth, letting fire seize his lungs as captives, melting the dead veins that have tangled around his heart. They break apart, breath mingling together for nothing short of a second before Osamu dips back into the fire to savor the icing on Atsushi's lips. It tastes so much better than the cake, so much sweeter.

An eternity passes before they separate, the rain cold against Osamu's lips. Their foreheads come together, resting against each other for support, or simply to remember that the other is there, that it wasn't a dream.

"I love you." Atsushi says between breaths, peeling back to look Osamu in the eyes. "I love you too."

Osamu inhales a sharp breath, one that causes his lungs to ache, and his head to swim. Atsushi has to grab his arms before he can't stumble back, but even then his grip isn't rough. He touches Osamu as if he is made of glass, jagged and broken. Atsushi isn't afraid to touch the sharpness of his edges, and isn't afraid of the cuts it will leave, or the scars it will create. Atsushi doesn't care about any of that because his eyes are on Osamu, sparkling with kindness, and holding him like he is the softest thing he's ever touched.

That is why Osamu is in love with him.

"I don't understand." Osamu says, as Atsushi helps him steady himself. "I thought- Aren't you- Tanizaki." He finally says, his words failing him when he needs them the most.

Atsushi seems very confused for a moment, and then something dawns on him. "Dazai-san, you didn't happen to think something weird about Tanizaki, right?" Osamu's face drains of color, and Atsushi nods. "I thought so. That explains a lot actually."

Osamu is trying to piece words together in his head before he speaks. He thinks it would sound more coherent if he did. "I thought you were in love with…" Osamu tries to think a little harder, and then his brain freezes.

Osamu is looking back over the information for what he'd overlooked. Then it clicks into place. Tanizaki had been able to put Atsushi at ease when Osamu couldn't, but Atsushi had still been quick to cave when Osamu insisted. Atsushi hadn't been afraid to do something dumb or stupid around Tanizaki, he just didn't want to say anything weird to Osamu. He'd been mortified each morning after, not because he had been so open with him, but because he'd been so open to the person that his affections had laid with. Atsushi didn't bring back lunch for Tanizaki, but for Osamu. Yosano had run interference on Osamu, not one else but him.

Oh no. Osamu thinks after everything sinks in. I have to apologize to Chuuya.

Osamu also owed Tanizaki a huge apology, but one of these things could be done without the need to curl in on himself and die.

Atsushi presses the line between his brows, smoothing it and pulling Osamu out of his head all at once. "Have you put it together yet?"

"I-" Osamu can't find words, so he nods instead.

"Yosano-san did say you were a little slower with emotions, but she didn't really prepare me for this." Atsushi shuffles on his feet, paying with his fingers. "She warned me that I shouldn't overwhelm you with something like a confession. That you aren't good with processing emotions. No Longer Human makes it hard, right?"

Osamu nods, and Atsushi stops fiddling with his fingers. "You didn't have to hold back though. I would have figured it out." Osamu assumes the 'eventually' is implied because Atsushi laughs a little.

"I had faith in you, but Ranpo-san said it would be better if it came from you." Atsushi gives him a soft smile

"He is no one to accept advice from. He couldn't emotionally find himself out of a wet paper bag."

"Maybe, but I think," Atsushi's fingers tug on Osamu's jacket again. "It worked out, right?"

Osamu sighs, a feeling bubbling up in his chest. "Yeah. Uh, Atsushi?"

"Yeah?" He returns, tilting his head with the questions.

"Can I kiss you again?"

Atsushi's face spreads with a soft pink glow, but his smile is still soft, and his head still nods. Osamu's hands come up to his face, cupping his cheeks, and running his thumb over Asushi's cheek bone. He's so beautiful like this, so wonderful. Osamu leans down, lips pressing against Atsushi's in a dance that could last a lifetime, and never be enough to him.

"Hey, my wish came true!"

They startle, breaking apart to look over at the door. Kenji is standing with his hands on his hips, joined by Yosano, and Ranpo. They look incredibly dry under the awning, but the way Ranpo had his arms wrapped around him tells Osamu that they've been out here for a while. Osamu doesn't want to know how long, but he has an inkling.

"And what was that, Kenji?" Yosano smiles, and Osamu expects that she already knows somehow.

"I wanted Dazai-san and Atsushi-kun to just kiss already." Kenji beams over at them, and then gives them a thumbs up. "I knew if I made a wish it would come true."

Atsushi's face lights up a bright red, and his hands come up to cover his face before it dawns on him. "Wait a minute! How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough," Ranpo calls, grinning like a cat. "We thought you got lost trying to find him, so we had to come find you."

"Y-you came up here to spy!" Atsushi accuses, and Yosano's grin gives them away.

"Come on you two." Yosano beacons them forward. "You need to warm up before you catch a cold.

Atsushi looks back at Osamu, hesitance clear in his eyes. It is almost like he's afraid that if they leave this roof, everything will stop. Osamu feels the same, and he isn't sure how to make it go away. In the end he offers out his hand. Atsushi seems startled at first, but a nice smile comes over his face, accepting the hand before they walk over to the door.

They don't let go once, not even when Fukuzawa comes to scold him, or when Yosano is forcing them to drink hot tea. Their hands stay clasped together and when Yosano wraps them in blankets she settles by just wrapping them together. She doesn't say anything about it, but Osamu is certain she will be hounding him about it before too long.

When they are left alone in her office, listening to the sound of the clock tick by, Osamu turns to Atsushi. "Can you refrain from kissing our co-workers now?"

Atsushi gives him a look of confusion. "When did I kiss our co-workers?"

"You were drunk, and you just-" Osamu sighs, and Atsushi chuckles at him.

"Yeah." Atsushi squeezes his hand, and leans his head on Osamu's shoulder, nuzzling closer. "I think I can do that."

"Good." Osamu leans into him with a sigh. "I've recently been told that I am jealous."

"You just now figured that out?" Atsushi gives him a breathy laugh.

(˘з˘)(˘ε˘)