Final Chapter
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" this was the evil laugh of Voldemort. "I am about to command every magical man woman and child in hogwarts to end your lives. Do you have any last words you muggle worms"
Walt gulped because he was powerless, a real sad sack at this point. He thought about it for a second and said "I Did All of My Crimes in the Name of Science and To Protect My Family, Skyler I Love You and I hope One Day You can forgive me for the evil things i have done, i hope our daughter Holy White and our son Walter Flynn Junior White can one day look back and remember me as a good father who did what it takes to fight even though he was flawed"
Voldemort said "wow thats a lot. Ok what about you kid"
Jesse said "nah i can't think of anything"
"OK" voldemort said. "Then by the power of myself, I heretofore command all the wizards of hogwarts to become EVIL!"
Suddenly all the wizards and witches got evil grins and looked at each other like maniacs. On one side of the dining hall Cho Chang gave Colin Crivy a wedgey. On the other side of the dining room Parvi Petal kicked Professor McGonagal in the knee. "Ow you fucking bitch you kicked me in the knee" "I know i'm evil now" said Cho Chang. "Im evil too so take this' McGonagal said and punched Cho in her eye. By the way this story now officially passes the Bechdel test
Voldemort sighed "No no you bufoons, be evil to the muggles! KILL THEM!"
The wizards and witches snapped to attention and started looking for Walt and jesse. But they were on the run. They were Naruto running down the hallway to get away but the wizards were catching up fast. "Mr white what are we gonna do" said Jesse "Were gonna run and run and run until we either escape or get annialated. What do you think you dolt" "Jesus sorry for fucking talking to you at all you grumpy old coot" said Jesse
Walt and Jesse turned a corner to the main hallway but before they could get to the front door, Crab Goyle Sr and Belloftrix Lestrange fell from the ceiling in front of the door so they couldnt go out the door. "You cant go out the door" said them. So Walt and Jesse tried to turn around but they were blocked by none other than harry ron and hermione who were foaming at the mouth and looking like insane demons from an underworld devil zone. "We will kill you muggles" they all said and by the way they said it you can tell they meant business. They pulled out their wands and aimed them at walt's chrome dome and jesses pearly whites.
A voice echoed down the hall that was presumably from voldemort "ha haha…about to be vaporized by your own friends…truly ironic. Goodbye walter and jesse!"
Jesse scoffed "these little shits aren't my friends at all. They're a bunch of fucking losers and i hate them more than anyone ive ever fucking met!"
Just then walt had an idea. He looked at jesse. "Jesse" he said "are you thinking what im thinking"
Jesse looked back at him "i dont know what are you thinking. You have to tell me what youre thinking for me to even know how to answer the question, stupid"
Walt once again drew his scimitar. "These kids arent our friends at all…" he sneered slowly
A sudden look of realization came hard all over jesses face. "Oh shit" said Jesse "yeah bitch."
Harry evilly held his wand right up to jesse's face. "And now for the killing death curse" he started to say. But before he could finish the curse, his eyes widened up like someone was showing them something that made them widen.
Jesse held his magic ninja star up right in front of harry's wand. "Heres a curse for you. Abra kadabra bitch!"
He threw the star and it fucking obliterated harry's face instantly. It ripped his nose off and he started spurting blood like a fountain from his nose hole, then his eyes fell out of his head and started flopping onto the floor. His tongue came out next and started unraveling his entire neck from the tongue out, as his bones erupted like a volcano all over the place. "AAAAAHHHHH gurgle gurgle gurgle" said Harry as he was completely fucking shredded by the magic ninja star. It ruptured his intestines and shit and viscera and bile started spewing all over the place. Finally harry's remains caught on fire and started to burn into a pile of fowl smelling dust. The ninja star returned to jesse like a boom of rang.
All the other wizards stared in horror, then looked up to jesse and walt. Jesse smirked. "Bitch whose next?" he asked. Judas Priests - Painkiller started playing in the back round.
Walt held the scimitar over his head and cried out like Conan the Borbarian. "AWOOWOOOWOO!" he howled and slammed the sword down on ron weasleys skull. It chopped him clean in half like a knife through hot butter and all his severed organs started twisting and turning and spurting out nasty goo as he too turned into a disgusting pile of filth.
"Oh fuck" said Voldemort.
Jesse and Walt started running around screaming and just completely ripping every wizard in hogwarts to shreds. They chopped of nevil longbottoms arms and legs and kicked him into the moat. They grabbed Cedrick Digary by his hands and feet and chopped off every finger and toe indivildually. They even sliced and diced Headmaster Dumbledore to bits like Vince Offer demonstrating the Slap Chop (but not because he was gay). They choked hagrid to deth with his beard while he begged for mercie then diesected him and desamated every one of his internal organs. it was mayhem, like some scene out from Grand Theft Auto and I dont mean Loony London Lorry Edition.
Once every single wizard and which from hogwards had been reduced to hideous bloody remnants and the walls and ceilings of the castle were stained crimsen red and dripping with there body fluids,the stentch of death hovering in the air like a smelly hovercraft, walt and jesse stumbled out the front door. The two shining heros collapsed in a heap in the middle of the drawbridge (author note to self check if hogwarts has a draw bridge) from exhaustion.
"Finally we did it Mr White" jesse said celebratingly
"Jesse" said Walt "we have to find saul so he can get us out of here"
"Well where the fuck is he" said Jesse
An evil lady's voice cried out "he's right here!" it was the voice of Bellanatrix Lestrange. She was on a broomstick flying around in the sky. She had hogtied Saul (she brought 2 hogties to this battle) and was dangling him over the side of a cliff off the edge of a broomstick.
"Ah ah help! This is really not fun!" said Saul "You're messing up my hair"
"SAUL!" said Walt, correctly
"Don't worry about your lawyer friend" the voice of Voldemort spoke, with words. "Hes gonna work for a real drug lord now…named Me! We may have lost our army but were still going to do the same plan at some other wizard school and itll work this time. And since your weapons are conveniently useless against death eaters were gonna take you out before we do that, and im gonna enjoy it twice as much as i was going to when it was gonna be harry and hermione and ron killing you because now im going to do it with my own bare hands, and wand" Voldemort said. He walked through the hogwarts doors and held his wand out over walts head. "Im gonna fuck you up" voldemort said
"Well jesse i guess this is goodbye" said Walt. "If you somehow live i guess you get to figure out how to tell my family what happened here…good luck with that lol"
Jesses face lit up. "Believe it or not Mr White i actually dont think im gonna have to do that"'
"What are you prattling on about you little stinker?" asked voldemort
"Prattle this bitch" jesse said. He pulled out the anti magic prank spray from his pocket and blasted it all over voldemort!
"OHH! OHH WHATS HAPPENING NOW said Voldemort as his magic powers disappeared. It didnt look like anything was happening but trust me his magic was disappearing and it didnt feel good for him. His mouth was agape in unbelief. "Awww ohhh this sucks! Ohhh! OHHH!"
Jesse said "not as bad as its about to suck" he reached into his other pocket and pulled out his last bag of rainbow magic meth. "This IS meth!" he said as he threw it directly into Voldemorts gaping maw…
All at once Voldemorts eyes turned into Xes. Then steam started coming out of his ears. Then his head spun around a full 360 degrees in both directions. Then his arms and legs started spinning around too. Then his hair turned into lightning bolts. Then his ass hole started shooting out rocket exhaust. Then he blasted up into the sky and EXPLODED like a cross between a fireworks grand finale and an atomic nuclear bomb and lit up the sky for miles around and pieces of him rained down on the earth for days.
Jesse turned to face the other death eaters. He pointed the spray bottle at Belloftricks "Drop The lawyer or youll get sprayed two, you insane maniacs! We'll blow your ass to hell!"
Belarus Lestratnge said "ok" and dropped saul on his ass but not from that high. "I'm sorry for what i did today" she said. evilly
"That's ok" said Jesse "i accept your apology. You guys can all go home" So all the death eaters left on their broomsticks to go watch reruns of Keeping Up Appearances on TV at pub.
Now the only living souls left at Hogwarts were Walter jesse and saul. Peeves the Poultergeist was still around but he wasnt interested in this shit so he wasnt important to talk about. "Jesse" said walt "you're stupid and reckless but you saved my life today" he said. "I will forever be grateful and rememberful of what you did for me today"
Jesse smiled and said "dont worry about it mr white, you can just owe me a beer. Or a meth"
"I wasnt worried about it" walt said "Dont get it twisted. i dont owe you shit jesse, you wold have to do what you did today a 1000 times before i came close to owing you even half a beer, you insolent degenerated turd" Jesse smiled because knew this was simply Walts way of saying thank you
Saul dusted hisself off. "Well pinkman it looks like youre the hero of the day. Thanks for saving me there."
Walt grumbled "well its a good thing he saved you so we can actually access all our hogwarts drug money that got put in your phoney textbook fund"
Saul laughed nervesly. "About that" he said "i may have been misleading you a little…and i may have spent your money on actual textbooks…for myself"
"WHAAAT" - Walt and Jesse said
"Yeah" said Saul "I'm getting sick of being a crooked lawyer. Im going back to school for oceanology so i can go underwater in a submarine and look at fishies for a living which is what i've always really wanted to do to be honest"
"So wait how much money did you use" Jesse asked
"Uhhh all of it" saul admitted
"Fuck you dude" said Walt
"Hey hey hey…textbooks are expensive these days" saul said sheepfully.
Walt sighed "this was a big waste of time, how am i gonna buy a tank to fight verse Gus now."
Jesse said "don't worry Mr white, back in chapter 3 i hided some emergency bags of blue meth around hogwarts where no one could ever find it like in toilet bowls and stuff. We can go to hogs mead and sell it for inflated prices and use that money for the tank"
"Jesse you're a genius" walt said. "Whered you hide them?"
"Well i put one of them right here in this out house" jesse said. He walked over to the outhouse from before and opened the door. But there was no meth inside. There was just a horrible little bug eyed goblin wearing a potato sack.
"Dobby loves this blue meth sir" said the creature
"Are you fucking kidding me" said Jesse "who the fuck are you
"Dobby sir" said Dobby "you see sir dobby is an elf which means he is a nasty little man. dobby loves cleaning all the gross toilets of hogwarts with his awful tongue and picking gum from under desks and chairs and eating it. While dobby was doing this dobby found your blue meth and started snorting it everywhere dobby could find it. Dobby has now found all of your meth and snorted it up sir. Dobby loves you sir"
"I hate England" Jesse said
"Well boys" said Saul "We better get back to work. Gus fring told me i had to come find you guys cause he got a last minute order in for 1000 tons of meth by tomorrow morning. Follow me to the portal back to albuquerque." he walked away toward the sunset horizon and walt and jesse followed him with there heads hanging low.
"Jesse" walt said "i think it's best if we just went about business as usual and never spoke of this incident to anyone ever again"
Jesse agreed "yeah lets just go on with the stasis quo and continue the events of Breaking Bad as they already canonically take place." And so they did, they went back through the portal which was located in a stinky bog. And they left Hogwarts for good and never returned. And to this day no one in the wizarding world has ever figured out what caused all the hogwarts students to die along with Voldemort. But legend has it it was the work of a great wizard…a wizard who went, by the name, of Heisendburg….
Later that day at the pub. Crab Goyle Sr and Belltrix and Lucas Malfoy were yukking it up at the pub watching the misadventures of Hyacinth Bucket on the telly. They were eating gross pub food like all British people do. When all of the sudden Bellatrix felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Whose this muggle freak tapping my shoulder" she shrieked. She turned to see a suave man in a fancy suit and a fedora smoking a cigarette
The man stated coolly "Sorry miss" he said "But can i trouble you for a little advertising market research. I'm here on assignment investigating what kind of cigarettes wizards like to smoke"
Bellatricks rolled her eyes "wizards dont smoke, jackass. They eat chocolate frogs and stuff instead. I should kill you where you stand, you muggal rat. You are as vile as a damn germ to me! I will annihilate you and all the people you love in a genocide dedicated to the memory of the dark lord"
"Fascinating" said the man as he pretended to take notes in a notebook book that said Fake Notes on the cover. He puffed on a cigarette. "by the way…i'm about to get outta here…id love it if you would company me to my hotel room if you get my drift. Im always on the lookout for the future ex mrs Donald Draper''
END…?