JENNIE
"Are you okay, honey?" Chahee looks at me intently. It must be the dark circles under my eyes that make her worry; I've had trouble sleeping lately.
I'm about to mumble my usual 'I'm fine', but something about the way she asks makes me want to open up. "Not great, to be honest with you," I say, a little uncomfortable as I haven't had a serious conversation in months. Chahee and I don't talk like we used to, that intimacy has gone. The nights when the four of us—her, me, Mark and her husband Neil—used to get tipsy on cocktails followed by deep conversations around the firepit have been replaced by yoga and green juice, and this crammed hipsteresque coffee and juice bar is not a place one would naturally open up. "I just feel flat and…" I pause and shrug, poking a straw through the lid of my cup before I drink from my kale juice. "I just feel really fucking purposeless and I don't know what to do with myself. I thought it would get better eventually, but it's only getting worse."
"Hmm… I'm so sorry to hear that." Chahee stares at me while she slurps from her own carrot-apple-ginger concoction. "Isn't it nice to have the house to yourself though? Your own little paradise where you decide what happens?"
"No, I don't like being there alone. It feels hollow." I arch a brow at her, a little irritated that she seems surprised by my confession. "What did you expect? That I'd be ecstatic that my husband left me out of the blue?"
"Of course not. I just thought…" Chahee clears her throat. "Well, it's been almost a year since you split up, and I thought you'd appreciate your freedom eventually. That you'd enjoy your new life once you'd gotten used to being on your own, you know?"
"You're right," I say, reminding myself that I'm essentially very lucky. "I shouldn't complain. I have enough money to live comfortably, I have a beautiful home, two wonderful children, my health…"
Chahee pushes my hand down as I raise it. "I didn't mean it like that. You have every right to be hurt, sad and depressed; you wouldn't be human if you weren't. But you can do anything you want now, Jennie. Anything. And you're doing nothing." She's silent for a moment, chewing on her straw. "Honestly, sometimes I envy you."
"How can you say that?" I pause and return her stare. "I thought you were happy."
Chahee shrugs and reluctantly shakes her head from side to side. "I am… We are, but it's not what it was when we first met and we're long past the phase of being in love. Neil and I are more like a well-oiled machine, I suppose. We work seamlessly but our marriage has become mechanical." She sits back, then lets out a long sigh. "Have you never dreamed of starting over? Even when you were with Mark?"
"No. My current situation is my worst nightmare. I'd never leave my family."
"I know that. But have you never fantasized about being with someone else?"
"That's not the same thing," I say resolutely. This is not where I expected our conversation to go. Frankly, I don't know what I expected. A little pity, maybe? Some reassuring words, her telling me everything will be fine? But instead, she seems jealous of my freedom.
"But you have?" Chahee presses on.
"Everyone fantasizes, but that doesn't mean I wanted out, or that I'd act on it. It doesn't mean I wanted my heart shattered and our family broken apart. Mark made his fantasy a reality, I didn't. That's the difference."
Chahee nods and gazes out of the window, following a jogger who's passing by. He's a good ten years younger than us. Handsome with a great body. "Can you keep a secret?" she asks.
"Of course."
"It could ruin my life if what I'm about to tell you gets out," she continues, turning back to me with a warning stare to let me know she's never been more serious.
"I promise I won't tell a soul." I'm relieved she feels secure enough to confide in me. It means our close friendship has survived the past year, and that she still needs me in her life even if she hangs out with Mark's new girlfriend way more than me nowadays.
"I cheated on Neil," she says, her big, blue eyes widening as if she immediately regrets her confession.
"You didn't…" Leaning in, I continue in a whisper. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah." Chahee leans in too and lowers her voice. "Lately I've been wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone else after twenty years with the same man. To be honest, I've thought of little else." She pauses. "And so I did."
"Okay." I try not to sound too shocked because I want her to feel comfortable talking to me. Chahee, my friend, a loving mother and loyal wife has cheated on her rich, handsome, likeable and successful husband. "How did it happen? Did you just meet someone you felt attracted to?"
"No, I hired someone I was attracted to." She glances at the door, making sure no one from our yoga class has entered the premises.
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, Jennie. You know exactly what I mean." Chahee pulls a business card out of her purse that says 'Hamptons' Escorts' and hands it to me. "I found this in the restroom at a beach bar. As soon as I got home, I checked out their website and last week, when Neil was away for work and the kids were with friends in New York, I booked a sexy, young man to give me the night of my life."
"Noo…" My jaw falls wide open.
"Uh-huh. Ben was twenty-nine, tall, blond and ripped, and he cost me twenty-five hundred dollars plus travel expenses. It was so worth it." She licks her lips and gives me a wicked smile. "He came to our house and I was super nervous, but he was amazing at putting me at ease. We had a drink together, he gave me a massage and after that, we had hours of amazing, animalistic sex like I've never experienced before."
"Fuck… So, it was good?"
Chahee chuckles and plays with a lock of her bleach blonde hair. "Yes, it was out of this world good. It was so good that I can't stop thinking about it. The upside is that I won't have to worry about him calling me, and I don't feel guilty because there are no feelings involved. I don't know Ben's real name, I'm not in love with him, he's not in love with me and so my marriage will survive this weird phase I'm going through. In fact, it might even make my marriage stronger because I won't look for distraction elsewhere and it's made me appreciate what I have a whole lot more, if that makes sense."
To me, it makes no sense at all, but I don't say that. Finishing my juice, I contemplate what she's just told me. "Are you planning on doing it again?"
"I might, if another opportunity arises. It's kind of addictive." Chahee crosses her arms in front of her and purses her enhanced lips. She's the typical Hamptons mom. Always dressed to look her best, her nails and hair pristine. "Look, I was eighteen when I met Neil— one year older than you were when you met Mark—and Ben's only the third man I've had sex with."
"Mark's the only man I've ever slept with," I say, putting down my cup that is as empty as my life. "The only one." It's a sad fact to admit but also true.
Chahee gasps. "God, I thought I was a saint. How have we never had this conversation?" She whistles through her teeth. "Was it even good with him?"
"What? The sex?" I pause for a moment to think about that. "It was okay, I suppose. I have nothing to compare it to. But sex was never that important to me. Mostly, it was about love and connection and trust."
About to reply, Chahee opens her mouth, but a message comes in on her phone and she groans in frustration. "Damn it. Neil wants me to pick up his dry-cleaning. Our housekeeper had an emergency—that's why she borrowed my car—and I thought it could wait, but he needs his favorite white shirt for a meeting this afternoon or he won't survive the day."
"Can't he pick it up himself?"
"Apparently not." Chahee rolls her eyes. "Do you mind if we stop off there on the way back?"
"No, that's fine. I'm ready to go if you are." I slide the card back to her, but she shakes her head.
"You keep it; I should have gotten rid of it, but I felt this strange urge to keep it as a reminder. Have a look at their website; it might inspire you." She slings her purse over her shoulder and gets up. "This conversation isn't over, though, I have so much to tell you. Want to talk over a glass of wine later in the week?"
"Yeah, absolutely," I say, my answer a little more eager than I meant it to be. Relieved that Chahee and I seem to be back to where we were before my life fell apart, I grab my purse and my yoga mat. It's the first time since my divorce that I actually feel as if I've had a meaningful conversation, and I can't wait for us to continue what we started. "How about tomorrow?"
"Can't. We've got a dinner party. But I can do Thursday."
"Thursday works for me." I don't even need to check my diary; it's been close to empty lately. Aside from the fact that the summer season hasn't started yet, singles are generally not invited to lunches or dinners. Parties, sure. They want us to make up the numbers. But sit-down events where people actually talk to each other seem to be reserved for couples only.
"Great." Chahee lingers for a beat, then steps forward to give me a hug. "I miss you, Jennie."
"I miss you too," I say, swallowing down the lump in my throat. I contemplate throwing the business card into the trash can by the door as we walk out but change my mind and slip it into my gym bag instead. It's not for me, but I'm still curious…