LISA
Jennie is looking sleepy when she ventures outside in the thin silk robe that she wore for me on Tuesday evening. "Hey," she says with a shy smile, and hands me a coffee. "Please ignore my rough appearance, I had a late night."
"Another late night?" I joke. "Don't worry, you look beautiful as always." As the words leave my lips, I realize it's probably too much, but I don't care. She truly does look beautiful and oddly vulnerable with her messy hair and face free of makeup. And then I imagine waking up next to her, seeing that sleepy face first thing, and feeling her body heat against mine.
"Thank you." She smiles shyly. "I'm having my coffee on the beach. Would you like to join me? Unless you're busy? I don't want to keep you from your work."
"I think you know your pool is getting more attention than it needs," I say with a chuckle, and follow her to the gate. "I was actually going to suggest you bring the service visits down to once a week unless you have guests coming."
"I did wonder about that since the kids aren't here, but I didn't want to put anyone out of work." Jennie types in a code to open the gate and we cross the stilt bridge that runs over the dunes toward the beach. She's barefoot, her toenails painted a light pink. Het feet are flawless, just like her elegant hands and I can't stop looking at them.
"That's very sweet of you but I can assure you that we have more than enough work."
"Okay, well in that case, I'll think about it," she says, heading down the steps. The beach lies quietly before us as we sit down on the bottom step of the bridge. It feels intimate to be here with her, like we've just crossed a line by venturing off the premises. "How are you?" It's a simple question, but she makes it sound loaded, as if my wellbeing is genuinely important to her.
"I'm good," I say casually, trying to contain the tug of longing in my lower abdomen. "How are you after the other night?"
Jennie absently looks out over the ocean, clutching her mug in both hands. "I've been all over the place to be honest with you. It's… It's a lot to process." She pauses and finally turns to meet my eyes. "But it was incredible, and I want to do it again." There's a long, loaded silence and then she says: "I've booked that test."
"Oh…" I lick my lips and glance down at her mouth, wanting to kiss her so badly now that I can barely contain myself. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to book me, that I'm at her mercy and that she can have me whenever she wants. Right here, right now, whenever, wherever. But I can't say that because this is not a relationship, and it never will be. It's an arrangement and I have to protect myself. "I look forward to next time."
"Do you really?" Jennie studies me and I can see that just like me, she's confused by this strange intimacy between us.
Yes, Jennie. I think you're amazing and I can't stop thinking about you. I want you, I crave you. I swallow hard. "Yeah, I do. You're special." We're getting dangerously close to the point of falling into a kiss, so I lean back, prop my elbows on the step behind me and change the subject. "Is Ella coming home this weekend?"
Something crosses over Jennie's face. It's subtle but it doesn't go unnoticed, and I regret changing the course of our conversation. "No. I'm going to see her in New York," she says, painting on a smile.
"Nice. When was the last time you were there?"
"Last year, when I signed my divorce papers." Jennie shrugs. "I've been avoiding New York and even hired someone to move and store my things after we sold the house, so I wouldn't have to go back there. I just couldn't bring myself to face mutual friends or visit places Mark and I used to go together. But I'm ready now. In fact, I'm looking forward to it." A loved-up couple strolls along the beach and we follow them with our eyes. They can't be older than twenty-five and stop to kiss every few steps, leaving a regularly interrupted pattern of footsteps in the sand.
"Do you miss the city?"
"Sometimes." Jennie shrugs. "But my life there was with my family. If I moved back, it wouldn't be the same. I have friends in New York, and I've missed them over winter but most of them have a place in the Hamptons, so they'll be back soon and anyone else can always come and stay with me as I've got plenty of space. What did you do in New York?" she asks.
"I went there to study, initially. Although I always did pretty well in school, I dropped out of university, too distracted with the big city lifestyle to focus on what was important. So, I ended up working in bars and clubs and loved the attention I was getting from women. Pleasing them became a game to me and I think that's where it all started."
"What did you study?"
"Finance."
"Finance?" Jennie looks puzzled. "I'm aware that I don't know you very well, but I have trouble picturing you working in that field."
"Yeah, me too. I don't know what I was thinking." I say with a chuckle. "I think I just wanted to prove myself initially and I actually didn't tell my father about dropping out until a year later. He was just so proud of me for being the smart one in the family and I didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't for me. But eventually I had to, and he took it better than I'd expected."
"Are you close to him?" she asks.
"Yeah. My mom died when my sister and I were very young, and he's been a great parent. Jackie, our neighbor helped out a lot back then. She still helps out with Lily so she's part of the family too."
"I'm sorry about your mom. Can I ask what happened?"
"Breast cancer. I was three, so I don't really remember her." I pause, thinking this conversation is taking a very personal turn.
"Still, it must have been horrible for you," Jennie says. "And your sister? How old was she when your mom died?" She waves a hand and shakes her head, rolling her eyes skyward as if cursing herself. "I'm sorry, never mind. I didn't mean to interrogate you."
"It's okay." I put a hand on her knee, then retract it when we both stare down at it. Everything we say or do now seems so loaded and I just don't know how to behave around her anymore. "My sister, Linda, was two years older than me, but she died too," I finally say. Unsure why I'm telling her all of this but somehow really wanting to, I cast her a smile to let her know I'm okay talking about it. "She was Lily's mother."
"Oh, God." Jennie runs a hand over my cheek, and I lean into her touch, cherishing the contact. "You…" I think she's about to say: 'you poor thing', but she stops herself. "And you adopted Lily?"
"Yes. Lily's father was not in the picture and when she got sick—my sister had breast cancer too—she made arrangements for me to be Lily's legal adoptive parent in case she wouldn't make it through." Jennie looks like she's about to cry, so I take her hand in mine and kiss it. She scoots closer then and puts an arm around me and we sit there for minutes in silence, listening to the waves and the seagulls that are circling above us.
"You're brave," she finally says. "I admire your strength."
"I'm not brave. I had no choice other than to get on with it, but I love Lily and we have a pretty good life now. She's happy and that's all that matters."
"And you? Are you happy?" Again, the question seems loaded, and I need a moment to think about it as I've actually never asked myself if I am.
"Yeah," I say. "I enjoy seeing Lily smile, growing up, making friends, learning things… I enjoy living here and going to the beach on weekends. My dreams are different now, more tangible, I suppose. It's not about living my life to its fullest or eternal passion. It's about stability and inner peace." Turning to Jennie, I decide it's my time to interrogate her. "And you? Are you happy?"
Jennie chuckles and shakes her head as if she's got no idea. "I think I'm happy. Happier than I was a while ago anyway. But I might be the opposite to you now. I quite like the idea of living my life to its fullest and chasing eternal passion or whatever it is you called it. I've never done that before."
"Then you've made a great start," I say. "Exploring your sexuality is only the beginning, so enjoy the ride and don't feel ashamed. Everything you crave right now is natural. You may have buried it, but it's always been there and, in the end, you are who you are."
Jennie nods. "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind."
Finishing my coffee, I get up and take her hand to help her up. Jennie holds onto me for way longer than necessary, and as we linger on the steps the pull is so strong that I eventually let go so I won't crush her against me. "I have to go to my next client."
"Of course. Sorry to keep you here. I didn't mean to get so personal." Jennie's face flushes as we cross the bridge.
"Don't apologize, this was nice. I enjoy talking to you."
"Me too." She stalls by the gate and smiles. "So, I'll see you next week?"
"Yeah. I'll see you Monday. Have fun in New York."