JENNIE

"It's so weird to have you here, Mom," Ella says as we walk through our old neighborhood. It's the first time I've been here since I left the house in distress after stumbling upon a saucy email from Yeji addressed to my husband. After that, I only came up for a meeting with our divorce lawyer. Ella thought it might be 'cathartic' for me to visit Stuyvesant Street and its surrounding areas again; that's how she put it anyway. And so here we are, aimlessly strolling around after a long lunch in Manhattan. It felt daunting at first, but now all that is left is a strong sense of disassociation, like this is a different world and I'm not a part of it anymore.

"It's weird for me too," I say. Ella still comes to the neighborhood to visit friends and since she only spent a couple of months with me in the Hamptons before she moved to NYU campus, not much has changed for her. "But I think I like being an outsider. It's nice to enjoy the city without tons of plans."

"Good." Ella removes her hoodie and ties it around her waist. The days are getting warmer and soon New York will be unbearably hot and clammy. "Let's have a drink somewhere, I need shade."

Our old street is one of the few diagonal streets in New York, crossing East 9th Street between Second and Third Avenues, and Mark and I chose this neighborhood because of my love for historic buildings. We pass St. Mark's Church in-the-Bowery, one of the many reminders of New York's Dutch past, and an understated Federal-style home with red bricks laid in Flemish bond, the oldest in the East Village. Around the corner is my favorite Japanese take-out and a little farther the bar where I regularly met up with friends. A new bar has opened next to it, and my attention spikes when I see a rainbow flag over the door and 'ladies only weekend' scribbled on the whiteboard outside. I'm not sure why I feel the need to go in there; it's not like I want to check out women. Lisa is the only woman on my mind and even though it will never go anywhere, the thought of flirting with someone else is unthinkable. Perhaps I just want to be around others like me, so I won't feel quite so different, or maybe I'm curious about the kind of places Lisa used to hang out. "Let's check this one out," I say without thinking. "It says they have a courtyard."

Ella looks at the flag, then shoots me an amused look. "Okay, whatever you want, mama bear." She probably thinks I'm oblivious and that it will be funny to see the look on my face once I realize we're in a lesbian hangout.

Inside, it is nothing special. In fact, it looks rather dated for a newly opened bar, but the bartender is super friendly, and the music upbeat. I order a Coke for Ella and a gin and tonic for myself and no one gives me strange looks or asks questions. Only a couple of tables are taken but when we pass through the back door with our drinks, there is a courtyard filled with women, talking and laughing around the colorful tables. A huge tree hung with rainbow lanterns shades the space and the sun poking through the crown leaves a beautiful pattern on every surface. Although it's lovely and cheerful, I immediately regret coming here because it's also very busy and I feel overwhelmed by the energy.

"You can have this one, we're just leaving," a butch looking woman says to Ella as she and her friend get up. She shoots Ella a wink, but Ella doesn't seem fazed.

"Thanks, that's very kind of you," she answers with a warm smile that turns into a cheeky grin when I sit down opposite her. "You're looking a little flushed, Mom. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." I swallow hard and make sure I keep my eyes on Ella only. "Was that woman flirting with you?"

Ella chuckles. "I think so, but I don't mind." She leans in and lowers her voice. "You didn't know this was a gay bar, did you?"

"No," I lie. "Did you?"

"Yeah. I've been here a couple of times with a friend. A friend-friend," she quickly adds.

"Oh." I smile. "You don't have to reassure me. I wouldn't mind if you dated women."

"Really? Are you sure about that?"

"Of course. I just want you to be happy." Ella looks surprised and I don't blame her. A year ago, my reaction would have been quite different, I suppose. I wanted the world for her; a degree, a job, a nice home, a husband, a family. I still do, of course, but I see now that not everything is as simple and black and white as I always assumed.

"How did you suddenly become so open-minded?"

"I'm no different than before," I lie again. "We've just never had this conversation." I stir my drink and finally gather the courage to glance around. So many gay women. Most of them are sitting in groups, some look like they're on a date. One woman curiously glances my way. She's probably wondering what I'm doing here; everyone looks a lot more casual and individual than me, and dressed for Manhattan, I look way too dramatic in my maxi-dress and big shades. Turning back to Ella, I ignore her continuous stare. "Have you ever dated a girl?"

"Mom!" Ella feigns astonishment. "Are we really going to talk about this?"

"I just want to know what goes on in your life," I say honestly. "We never talk about your love life."

"Right." Ella downs half of her drink and raises a brow at me. "Okay, if you really want to know…" She pauses. "I did date a girl once and it wasn't for me. I mean, it was fun while it lasted, but I prefer boys. And yes, I met someone but it's still very new; we've only seen each other a couple of times."

"Oh." I smile, delighted that she's opening up to me. Ella's always kept her cards close to her chest, like me I suppose. I've never been much of a talker, but something has changed. "So you've been dating?"

Ella laughs. "We're not living in the eighties, it doesn't work like that anymore," she says, making me feel ancient. "Boys don't show up at a girl's door with flowers to take her out for dinner. We just hang out with mutual friends and I've been to his place twice. He has his own apartment."

The apartment comment worries me, but I try not to let it show. "He's not much older than you, is he? What's his name? What is he studying?"

"He's twenty-three. His name is Tyrell and he's a rapper." Ella shoots me a daring look, awaiting my criticism. She knows exactly what I'm thinking. A rapper. No steady job or income, no future. Not good enough for my daughter. I force myself to try and see things from her perspective and refrain from falling into an interrogation. My parents were furious when I told them I was pregnant with Mark's baby. He didn't come from a wealthy family like me, and it led to a lot of friction, with Mark feeling like he was never good enough. I suppose that gave him the drive to prove them wrong and to become hugely successful, but still, it was very difficult, and I never want Ella to be in that position.

"Okay. As long as you're happy, honey. If it works out, I'd love to meet him."

Ella's eyes widen. "You're not going to lecture me?"

"No." I purse my lips and shake my head, then change my mind when I picture Ella with a baby bump. "Actually, I will lecture you but only for a moment. You see, having you and James was the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn't change anything for the world. But I never got a degree and I want that for you. It's difficult when one day you find yourself in a situation where you have to start over, and you have no idea what to do with your life. So please, when the time comes, use protection, okay? And only have sex when you're ready."

Now it's Ella's time to blush and she lets out a strangled laugh. "I'm not a virgin anymore. And yes, I do use protection, so don't worry." She reaches for my hand over the table and squeezes it. "Don't be shocked, Mom. I'm almost eighteen. And I know you probably think everyone talks to their mothers before they have sex for the first time, but in reality, that's not the case. None of my friends do, it just happens when it happens. Besides, you had your own problems last year and I didn't want to stress you out even more."

"Honey, I don't ever want you to feel like you can't talk to me. Please know that I'm always here for you, no matter what goes on in my life." She's right; I am shocked to hear that she's had sex, but I was pregnant at seventeen so it would be hypocritical of me to disapprove. She's a grown-up now, much wiser than I was at that age. "But I'm glad you told me, and I meant what I said about Tyrell. I'd love to meet him."

"Thank you," Ella says.

"For what?"

"For not judging me." She sits back, visibly relaxing. "It's hard to grasp that I'm sitting in a gay bar with my Stepford mother telling her I'm dating a rapper and talking about sex."

"Hey, I'm not a Stepford mother!" I exclaim.

"Maybe not anymore, but let's face it, you were before." Ella humorously narrows her eyes at me. "Come on, Mom. You spent most of your time worrying about what to wear to events, what to serve at dinner parties and who to invite."

"Hmm…" I laugh because she does have a point. "I did do that, didn't I?" Two women start kissing at the table next to us. Although I'm not a fan of PDA, it's rather sensual to watch and I feel myself staring at them, totally intrigued. The way their lips touch, and the way their hands move through each other's hair… It's arousing. Do Lisa and I look like that when we kiss? "Well, from now on, things are going to change," I say, tearing my eyes away from them.