JENNIE
"This was fun. Really, it was," Ella says as if she's surprised that she hasn't been bored around me. I zip closed my weekend bag and give her a long hug.
"Yeah. I'd love to do this again. And don't worry about not coming over next weekend, just enjoy the party, okay?" Ella stayed in my room last night after a late dinner, and we watched movies in bed just like we used to when she was younger. This morning, we hit the hotel gym together and after that, we had a sauna before attacking the breakfast buffet. I could have stayed with friends, but I didn't let anyone know I was coming. It's not that I didn't want to see them, I just wanted to have Ella to myself and wasn't sure if I was ready to face anyone but her in the current state that I'm in.
"Come over any time." Ella squeezes my arm. "By the way, are you celebrating your birthday?"
I shake my head. "I don't think so, honey. I'd love to have dinner with you, though, if you're around?"
Ella frowns. "But you're turning forty, Mom. It's a big one."
"I wish everyone would stop reminding me of that," I say with a chuckle. "I just don't feel like organizing anything, okay? It's not that I don't have time, I just don't feel like calling all these people I've been avoiding for so long. It's become a thing, I suppose and besides, you know I don't like being the center of attention."
"Oh, God. You really have been way too isolated," Ella says. "Why don't you leave it with me? Seriously, I'd love to organize a party for you. Nothing big, I promise. Just your closest friends. They know what you've been through and trust me, they don't blame you for not returning their calls, they'll just be really happy to see you again."
"I'm sorry, but I'd rather just spend it with you..."
"Okay, it's your birthday." Ella sighs and shoots me a smile. "Then at least let me organize something special, just with the two of us. A surprise."
"Sure. That sounds nice." I'm not into my own birthdays, I've never been comfortable with them. I used to love organizing dinners and cocktail parties but that was different as they were never about me. For my thirtieth, Mark took me and the kids to the Maldives because I refused a party, and we had a wonderful time there. We stayed in this beautiful cabin with a glass floor built over the ocean and I didn't have to worry about getting dressed or feeding the kids. No pressure, no stress and no family apart from our own sweet little bubble. That was the last time we had a real holiday together. We've visited my family in Beirut regularly, and we've had many long weekends in the Hamptons, but there was never time to get away from obligations. Mark was busy with work, I planned my life around the New York social scene and the kids grew up and preferred to hang out with their friends. They were all just excuses, though, because really, we stopped making time to put our marriage and family first.
Looking back, I don't think we were as happy as we could have been as there was always something missing. That something, I've come to realize, is passion. The glue that keeps couples together for a lifetime, the oil that makes the marriage machine run smoothly in the intimacy department, the magic elixir that enables relationships to work, even when times are tough. There was a lot of love, but the passion was never there. And sometimes, even love isn't enough.
I don't think I had a clue what passion was before I met Lisa. But now, it's like it runs through my veins. Only sadly, she's an escort, who I'm paying to make me feel good. It's one-sided and there's no love involved, and therefore, it's not real. Still, after being deprived of passion my whole life, I crave it like I've never craved anything before.
With a sigh, I grab my phone and fall back on the bed. I still have half an hour left before check-out, so I scroll through my emails and find the results from my STD tests that I had done before I drove here on Friday. Although I'm not surprised that they're all negative, I still feel a flicker of relief. If Mark strayed once, he may have done it before and that's been bugging me.
Without my daughter here to distract me, my thoughts are consumed with Lisa once more. A frisson of excitement runs through my body as I navigate to Hamptons' Escorts and see that she's available on Tuesday. It still feels wrong to pay for sex but having slept with her once, she's become like a drug to me and if this is the only way, I'll take what I can get. No one will ever know. As I enter my card details and press the 'book' button, I wonder if she'll get a notification. Will she be excited? Don't be silly, I tell myself. I'm just a client like any other client. Whether she enjoyed it or not, it's her job and I need to keep reminding myself that I mean nothing to her.
I've thought about her being with other women, and I hate that I feel jealous. Jealousy is a new—but not particularly pleasant—emotion to me, and it's messing with my head. Even when I found out Mark had been cheating on me, I didn't feel the way I do now. I was angry and hurt, sure, devastated even, but not jealous. The thought of him and Yeji in bed together didn't cause this almost unbearable heavy knot in my stomach like when I imagine Lisa with someone else and that makes no sense at all. I want to know if she has favorite clients, if she thinks about them outside her appointments. I want to know if she fantasizes about them, if she fantasizes about me.
When the confirmation message comes in, I let out a sigh of relief and then immediately, nerves take over. It's exhausting to be so emotional all the time, yet I've never felt more alive than I do now.