"Whoa," Draco said. "When did I ask to fuck your brothers?"
"You were eying them!" Ron said.
"Aaaaaaaaaaw," Draco said. "Is lil Ronniekins jealous of his big brother Percy?"
"Percy is the nerdiest one!" Ron said. "What the fuck! I thought you were going for Charlie!"
"Nah," Draco said. "I want PERCY."
"WHY!" Ron shouted.
"Well," Draco said. "There's just... glasses." He fanned himself. "I love his glasses!"
"Then go fuck Harry!" Ron said. "Harry has glasses!"
"Harry is bad at sex!" Draco shrieked.
"WHAT!" Ron shouted. "Don't fucking lie to my face!"
"I WISH I was lying," Draco said. "But Potter is a fucking Pillow Princess."
"A what?" Ron said.
"Look," Draco said. "I'm just going to tell you the facts."
Ron threw his hands in the air. "What facts?!"
"I'm definitely going to fuck Percy," Draco said. "He's first. He is the best and I want him to know it."
"What do you mean FIRST!" Ron said.
"You can be number two," Draco said. "I will fuck you second because you are second best."
Ron stared at him in stunned silence.
"After you," Draco continued. "Pansy called dibs on being my third shag."
"Wait," Ron said. "Wait, wait wait."
"Ugh," Draco said. "What?"
"Are you... what do you mean second?"
"Keep up, Ronald," Draco said. "Hermione already agreed to a Closed Polyamorous relationship!"
"Wait!" Ron said. "I haven't finished the audiobook yet!"
"What audiobook?" Draco demanded.
"You know," Ron said. "Hermione gave me homework."
"Excuse me?" Draco said. "What is the meaning of this?"
"Huh?" Ron said.
"Are you telling me," Draco said. "That Granger gave a book to YOU that she did not first give to ME?"
"Um," Ron said. "It's... it's a spotify audiobook?"
"What," Draco said. "The fuck. Is that."
"I don't fucking know," Ron said. "She's the DJ, I just lay down with my head in her lap and she's the one who hits play!"
"What the fuck!" Draco shouted. "Why didn't she invite me too? That fucking cunt."
"Whoa," Ron said. "Um, if it's that important to you I can... uh... I can ask her for permission to invite you... uh... the next time... she... uh... tells me... that-"
"Ugh," Draco said. "Don't hurt yourself. I'll negotiate the details with her myself."
"Thank fuck," Ron said.
Draco patted Ron on the head as if he were a dog.
Ron blushed so brightly red that his face looked the same shade of orange as his hair.
"Ssshhhh," Draco said. "If you can talk me into it, I'll let you take my virginity."
"WHAT," Ron shouted. "Dude! I'm straight!"
"Sure," Draco said. "That's why Percy is going first, I guess Harry can be second, and then Pansy has dibs on third, so-"
"Wait!" Ron said. "Why is Harry second all of a sudden? You JUST said I was second!"
"Ugh," Draco said. "Well I JUST decided to demote you!"
"As if I'm your fucking slave?!" Ron shouted.
"YES WEASLEY!" Draco shouted. "Weasley is my king! Weasley is my slave! Weasley is a bad dog!"
"What the fuck," Ron said. "What... what?"
"Ugh," Draco said. "Hermione needs to train you to be better behaved than this!"
"Um," Ron said. "Wait. Wait... are you flirting with me?"
"Ugh," Draco said. "Harry needs to teach you my lingo!"
"Lingo?" Ron said.
"Actually," Draco said. "Harry is a horrid teacher. Talk to Theo or Blaise instead."
"Um... Zabini?" Ron asked, hesitantly.
"In fact," Draco said. "Just look for someone wearing green. Anyone who wears green these days is qualified to speak my language."
"Wait," Ron said. "I... uh... am... confused?"
"As you should be, little boy!" Draco said, emphatically. "Go do your homework and come back to me when you're ready for anal sex!"
"Um," Ron said. "What if I'm never ready for anal sex?"
"Then I'll give you a blow job instead!" Draco shouted. "But I've never tried that before and Percy is first!"
"Um..." Ron scratched his head. "Okay... hear me out."
"I'm listening," Draco said.
"What... if..." Ron cleared his throat. "Um... what if... Pansy is first? And, uh, maybe... Luna Lovegood is second?"
"No," Draco said. "Luna wants to be Number Four."
"What the fuck," Ron said. "Why the hell?"
"Something about Rihanna," Draco said, dismisively. "That girl is obsessed with Umbrellas, and China, and Super Heros and Fairytales and just... I don't know. She likes colorful things."
"You know what," Ron said. "I just... okay. What... if...uh."
"I am running out of patience," Draco said. "Hurry UP Ronald!"
"What if you, me, and Hermione had a threesome maybe one time only?" Ron said. "Just... um... later?"
"Oh," Draco said. "That would be easily arranged."
"Wow," Ron said. "You know what? Um, have fun with Percy. He's probably straight though? I don't think he'll like you... uh... cause you don't have boobs?"
"Well Pansy is already fucking him," Draco said. "And she said he confessed that he thinks I'm hot. So."
"Oh," Ron said. "Okay. Um. Ignore me, then?"
"I always do," Draco said, fondly.
Ron blushed.