LISA
"You know how some kids have a mommy and a daddy?" I say to Lily, handing her another bucket full of sand. It's just her and me here on the beach. Monday mornings are always quiet and because the weather was beautiful, I cancelled her preschool for this morning so we could hang out together. I've brought sandwiches, a thermos with coffee and a bottle of juice, towels and everything we need to build the perfect sandcastles.
"Yes." Lily looks up at me with a frown, scrunching her nose that has sand stuck to the tip. She takes the bucket and clumsily turns it upside down, adding to the pile of wet sand we've gathered.
"Well, the mommies and daddies are together because they're in love. They're like best friends and they sleep in the same bed. And sometimes kids have two mommies, or two daddies." I'm not sure if she's old enough for this conversation, but I want her to be prepared for another woman in our life.
"Ryan in my class has two daddies. One wears funny clothes," she says. "And sometimes he has funny shoes. Like lady shoes."
"Right. Yes, Ryan has two very nice daddies, and it's okay for daddies and mommies to wear whatever they like. And Melika in your class, she has two mommies. Did you know that?"
Lily shakes her head and starts shaping a tower, adding water to the sand to firm it up.
"It's true," I continue. "You've only met one of them because Melika's other mommy works, so she can't take her to school."
"Why does she have two mommies?"
Buying time to answer that question, I help her shape the tower, then hand her some shells that I picked up on the way to decorate with. "Because some women fall in love with men, some women fall in love with women, and some fall in love with both. Melika's mommies fell in love with each other, and they're married."
"Oh." Lily contemplates this, then looks at me as if she wants me to get to the point.
"Well, I'm the same as Malika's mommies. I fall in love with women." There's a long silence and I'm not sure if she's taken aback by this information or simply immersed in her task, so I add: "And I would like to fall in love too." Again, she's silent, and I know she's processing by the way she's biting her bottom lip. It must be terribly confusing to her. The four main people in her life—me, my father, Jackie and Jihyo—are all single, it's the only lifestyle she knows. "Would you mind if I was in love?"
"No," she finally says. "But you have to stay my mommy forever."
"Of course, sweetie." I kiss her forehead, then help her pat down the base and dig out more sand to go in the bucket. "I'm your only mommy and that's never going to change. You'll always be the most important person in my life. But I wanted to tell you that I've made a new friend. Her name is Jennie. Do you remember Jennie? We saw her in town a while back, after we went to the bank."
Lily furrows her brow, digging through her memory. "She has pretty hair."
"Yes, she does. Would you mind if Jennie came over to our house sometimes? Or if we visited her?"
"No."
"You mean no, you don't mind?" When I get no answer because she's too fixated on placing shells around the base of the tower, I add: "Jennie has a very nice pool, and she lives by the beach."
At this, Lily looks up at me and grins and although I feel a flood of relief, I also regret saying it. Bribing her to accept Jennie just because she has a pool is cheating for one, but I also forgot that look in her eyes. The one she got when she saw 'the lammies' for the first time and since we've been to the community pool, 'the pool' has become the new main focus in her life, now that my father's lambs have grown and become a little intimidating to her.
"Can we go to the pool after we finish the sandcastle?" she asks.
"You mean Jennie's pool?" I ask.
"Yes. I want to go to Jennie's pool." Her enthusiasm is through the roof now, and she waves her hands, bouncing up and down as she crouches.
"Not today, honey," I say, placing a hand on her shoulder to calm her down. "Jennie is busy and Mommy has to work. But we could go on Saturday after we've been to the market?" Seeing the timeline confusion on her face, I take her hand and count out the days on her fingers. "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…" I take her other hand, pinching her little thumb. "…Friday. Five sleeps."
Lily looks down at her hands and juts out her bottom lip. I wonder if she's about to burst into tears at the shear enormity of so many sleeps, but she simply lets out a sigh of frustration and nods. "Five," she repeats quietly, making sure she'll keep track of time.
"Yes," I say with a smile. "We can stay the whole day if you want, and you know what else? I'll bring you one of those pink flamingo pool toys."