JENNIE
I can't believe I've been coming here all these years and never been for a morning swim. Lisa and I are wading out of the ocean, laughing and kissing as we cross the beach to the house. Now having three mornings a week to herself, she came here after dropping Lily off at preschool. She looks incredible in her bikini and board shorts and I find it impossible to keep my hands off her.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" I suggest, thinking I need the sun to warm me as I'm shivering from the cold water.
Lisa shakes her head with a wicked grin. "Now that you're wide awake, how about we enjoy our three precious hours left with a little more privacy?" She glances at my body, clearly liking my skimpy, black triangle bikini. Shaking out her wet hair, she takes my hand and pulls me along over the bridge. "Let's go back to the house; I'll warm you up, baby."
I laugh and run after her and as soon as we've walked through the gate, I fall into Lisa's arms, moaning as our wet bodies come together. I can feel her need in her tensing muscles and it's warming me up all right. Falling into a delicious kiss, I taste the salt water on her lips and weave my fingers through her wet hair. We stand by the poolside, making out for minutes on end, losing all track of time.
"Wait, let me just close the gate before you take all my sense of logic away," I mumble against her mouth, fighting to tear myself away from her lips. As I look up, I see a figure standing by the gate and wincing against the sun, I gasp when my ex-husband comes into sharper focus. "Mark! What are you doing here?"
Mark's eyes are wide, his jaw hangs open and he clutches onto the gate like he's a sailor in a storm. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have walked in but the beach gate was open and…" His voice trails off as he stares at us. "Wait… Is this what I think it is?" he says in a strangled voice.
I grab a towel from one of the lounge chairs, secure it around my waist and cross my arms in front of my chest. Glancing at Lisa, I don't know what to say, but she simply raises her brows, not wanting to step in. "Yes, it is," I answer after a moment's hesitation. I'm caught, once again, and there's no point denying anything.
"Oh." Mark clears his throat. "I didn't know you were… I didn't—"
"I didn't know either," I say, helping him out. "And you can't just let yourself in like that. This is my home now; you don't live here anymore."
"Yes, sorry." The baffled stare is still plastered all over his face and he doesn't seem to get the words out, so I decide to do the talking. I'm still shaken by Mark seeing me kissing Lisa, but I'm not ashamed. It's just strange to have both him and my new lover here, and I don't want him to tell people before I'm ready.
"This is Lisa," I say, taking Lisa's hand. "She's my…" God, what is she to me? My partner? My lover? "We're dating," I finally settle on.
"Dating?" As Mark drags the word out, he sounds like a toddler who is just learning to speak. Even Lisa seems surprised that I'm being so open and honest about us; she's glancing at me sideways, squeezing my hand.
"Yes." I pause and wait for him to reply but he remains silent. "I'd appreciate it if you could keep this to yourself. For now, at least."
He nods. "Do the kids know?"
"Ella knows, and Chahee knows. But I'm not ready to tell anyone else yet so please don't mention it to Neil or even to Yeji. People gossip way too much around here."
"Of course."
"So, what brought you here?" I ask. "I assume you didn't just drop in for a coffee?"
"No, there was actually something I wanted to talk to you about." He looks at Lisa, and she lets go of my hand.
"I'll go have a shower, so you guys have some privacy," she says, and shoots Mark an uncomfortable smile. "It was nice to meet you."
"Likewise." Mark follows me into the house and sits when I gesture to the stools along the bar, following Lisa with his eyes as she heads up the staircase.
"Espresso? Two sugars?"
"No sugar," he says, and that amuses me. Of course Yeji has put a stop to his sugar intake. That woman is all lean and green; she once told me that sugar and carbs are the devil.
I make a cappuccino for myself and an espresso for Mark and take a seat opposite him. He's glancing around the kitchen and I wonder what he's thinking. This house is his creation; he practically bulldozed most of the previous building because he can't stand gimmicky constructions or features, and he did really love this house. I suppose he still does; nothing has changed.
"So, what did you want to talk about?"
"Ehm, yes. I ehm… I came to tell you that…" He downs his espresso, ready for me to chase him out in case of an angry outburst. Perhaps he's more at ease, now that he's seen that I've moved on too, but the familiar red nervous blotches are still spreading over his neck and cheeks. "Yeji and I are having a baby."
"A baby?" I exclaim, managing a surprised look. "She's pregnant?"
"Yes. Five months."
"Wow. I thought you didn't want to have any more kids." Not with me at least.
"I didn't, it wasn't planned. But we're happy, of course," he hastily adds. "Anyway, I thought it would be better if you heard it from me rather than from someone else."
"Thank you for telling me." I look him over; his chiseled chin, his chest hair visible above his half-unbuttoned shirt, and I find it hard to believe that we used to have sex. I just don't find him attractive anymore. I don't find men attractive anymore. I take a sip of my coffee and remain silent, making him sweat a little while he waits for my reply. "But this is your life now, Mark. You don't need my permission or blessing."
He nods again. "But I'd like your blessing. I hope we can get on some day, for the kids' sake." This is nonsense, of course. As long as we can be civilized and we're both happy, our grown-up kids won't care about our personal relationship. But we do have a lot of friends in common and we will be seeing each other this summer. Friction between us will make socializing highly awkward and besides, he lives close by so we might even meet on the beach.
"If this is what you want, then I'm happy for you," I say, then watch his shoulders drop in relief. "No hard feelings."
"Thank you." Mark smiles and glances toward the staircase. "What about you and…" He frowns. "Lisa, was it? Are you two serious?"
"I'm in love with her. I have been for a while, but things were complicated. This whole situation is complicated as I'm sure you'll understand."
"Because she's a woman."
"Yes. I'm not uncomfortable about it—quite the opposite actually—but I just need to get used to the idea myself before I tell others." Despite what he did to me, I'm willing to give Mark the benefit of the doubt and I think I can trust him. He's been my best friend for over twenty years and perhaps it's good that he's here now so that we can finally be honest with each other.
"Did you always know you preferred women?" he asks, and I know the answer is important to him.
"No." I pause. "Looking back, maybe. There were signs, but it never clicked, and I mean it when I say that I was happy with you. At least until…" I stop myself, not wanting to get into an argument. "Sorry, that's in the past now."
"It's okay, you can say it. I know I hurt you."
We fall silent, both processing the conversation and I suddenly have a moment of clarity. This isn't all his fault. He's not the only one to blame. "It can't have been easy for you either," I say. "I was never very sexual with you. We didn't have that sexual compatibility people talk about."
"I think I wanted you more than you wanted me. Physically speaking at least," he admits.
"Yes." I pause, choosing my words carefully. "Well, I have that physical chemistry with Lisa, and I've realized how important that is. Passion was something I couldn't give you—I see that now—and I'm sorry."
"I still should have made better choices but thank you for saying that." He reaches over the bar to squeeze my hand and I think that for the first time, he feels like I understand him. That I can begin to grasp why he strayed, even if it was wrong. "You with a woman was the last thing I expected. To be honest with you, I'm still recovering from seeing you kissing her. You looked so…" He frowns and looks down at his hands. "So… I don't know, into it, I suppose. Does she make you happy?"
"Very." I smile as I hear the shower running upstairs, and imagining Lisa naked in there, I can't wait for him to leave so I can join her. "I never saw this coming but I'm grateful it happened to me. It all worked out better in the end, don't you think? For both of us."
Mark closes his eyes and breathes a sigh of relief, the wall of guilt visibly crumbling a little. I've heard guilt can feel worse than pain, that it's a terrible burden to bear, and I don't want him to dwell on the past anymore. "Do you regret marrying me?"
"No," I say resolutely. "We have two beautiful children, and we had a good life together. But now I'm looking forward to my next life, the one that will be about me and what I want." I angle my head and study him. "Do you regret marrying me?"
"No. God, no. I still miss you every day. You were my best friend." He hesitates. "But you're right. Something was missing." He gets up and stands there with his hands in his pockets. "I really hope we can be friends again, Jennie." Then he turns and leaves through the back door.