"That's hot!" -Nakahara Chuuya, About Dazai Osamu With A Gun
Summary: Following the shitshow after DA where one had to fight their own Ability, Fukuzawa and Kunikida have come to the realization that too few of their members even know how to properly handle a gun. Thankfully, they have an alliance with the Mafia and were allowed to use their training facilities. They were not, however, expecting an audience. Or a training difficulty mode labeled DAZAI.
It really should have dawned on them a whole lot earlier than when they were all scrambling to deal with the manifestations of their Abilities wrenched out of their bodies and aiming to kill them that too few members of the Armed Detective Agency actually knew how to properly handle firearms, even something as simple as a gun. How it never occurred to them could be found in their Abilities, mostly. Yosano preferred blades, as the damage dealt is a lot more precise and she could immediately cure her victims in close range. Tanizaki needed stealth so loud weapons weren't really an option. Kenji had brute strength and was practically impervious to bullets as long as he was hungry. Dazai actually outright said it would be a bad idea to put a gun in his hand and Ranpo rarely fought. Atsushi's Ability was more useful than him using a gun and Kyouka seemed to prefer her tanto when fighting, though she said she knew how to shoot.
In all actuality, Kunikida was the only one who used a gun in the Agency, though Atsushi has used two different firearms and Kyouka can improvise due to her assassin training while she was in the Mafia.
Still, only two people actually knowing how to properly use guns was a dismal number for the Armed Detective Agency and the collection of firearms they had in their hidden collection. So Kunikida insisted to the President that they must provide proper training for all members, especially Dazai and Ranpo who had no other real protection in fights should they be cornered alone. Fukuzawa, of course, agreed, knowing they were already at a great disadvantage against other organizations as is. The only problem was that renting out a firing range was expensive and their office already had a lot of funds sucked out due to the latest repairs after the whole 'Dead Apple' incident, even with the Special Abilities Division pitching in.
Thankfully, their latest collaboration with the Mafia's members during said incident strengthened their alliance, thus Mori was a bit too eager to let them use the Mafia's training range. For once, Dazai wasn't suspicious of Mori's generosity, which caused Fukuzawa to agree, much to everyone else's displeasure but they had to go with it since they really needed the training but they also really didn't have the resources to afford it.
So they had the agreement sanctioned by the Division and Sakaguchi Ango ended up being forced to supervise their activities. The man looked quite twitchy to be in the Port Mafia's basement - the space used to train assassins, among other things, according to Kyouka - even more so than the detectives, but no one could fault him since half of Port Mafia's highest ranking members had decided to watch their training from a secure observation area.
"Don't they have anything better to do?" Yosano grumbled and they all jumped in surprise when a speaker crackled to life.
"No, we don't," Mori's distinctive voice sounded, irritating the entire Agency with those three words. "We wouldn't miss it for the world~!"
Dazai snorted and that was all the reaction they got from the man, which was a bit weird but none of them could really pay much attention to it right then.
"Ignore him," Fukuzawa instructed. "Today is not about them. Just focus on the training. Kunikida, if you will?"
The blond idealist nodded before taking up one of the guns he'd spread out, one for each Agency member, now facing his colleagues. "Alright, listen up! This here is a firearm that's standard issue for the police department and one of the weapons the Agency has a license to use." Kunikida went into a small rant about the specifics of the gun, to which Dazai ended up making a grimace.
"That's shit quality."
"Did you say something, Dazai?"
"I said it's hit quality, Kunikida-kun~!" Ranpo snorted and Yosano had to hold in a snicker when Dazai's face made a pained, offended expression when Kunikida turned his attention away from him.
"Is it really that bad?" The doctor asked and the taller genius looked like he was suffering.
"Don't get me started."
"Now, I'll show you the basics, from the ideal posture-" Dazai snorted. "To the stance, to how to take aim, how to fight the recoil, to how to reload and take apart and put a gun back together."
"Is all of that really necessary, Kunikida-san?" Atsushi had to ask, eyeing the guns warily.
"It's standard procedure to know these things to get a license, brat. Because the Agency already has one, we can use firearms, but up until now, we've never bothered to actually give anyone proper training."
"I think I can shoot a gun," Yosano offered offhandedly. "I have participated in the war. I've seen it be done more than enough times."
"I'm sure my Ultra Deduction can figure it out in no time, Kunikida."
"I know how to shoot various weapons. It was part of my training while I was in the Mafia."
"Would a gun even be a good idea for me? Isn't it too noisy?"
"Well, Tanizaku-kun, if we get you a proper silencer-"
"The Agency does not have a permit for silencers or sniper additions!" Kunikida snapped at Dazai before turning to Tanizaki. "Besides, even if they can hear the gunshot, they won't be able to find you if you are hidden by your Ability."
"I'd really like to see you say that to any veteran mafioso's face."
"You're not helping Dazai! Just shut up and do the exercises!"
Fukuzawa shook his head as he made it into the observation area, where, indeed, almost all members of the Mafia's upper echelons were sitting and watching the Agency with a mixture of boredom or anticipation on their faces. Even the child with the curse-like Ability was there, bouncing in excitement with Elise away from the others as Fukuzawa warily took a seat next to his fellow organization leader.
"They're making such fools of themselves," the redhead with a bandage over his nose commented with a snicker.
"Ah, look at how talented my Kyouka is! She already assembled the gun back!"
"Blondie's talking way too fast to be actually teaching them anything," Nakahara Chuuya commented, sounding bored, yet his eyes were glued down to the group below. Or perhaps something more specific? Mori and Akutagawa were in a similar predicament. Fukuzawa arched an eyebrow at his old partner.
Mori noticed and blinked 'innocently' back at him. "What?"
"Why are you all so interested in firearms training? I'm sure there's no shortage of such in the Port Mafia."
"Oh, we couldn't give Dostoevsky's ass - you know, 'cus he's a rat? - about your little Agency learning to make guns go pew pew, bang bang" the former doctor replied mockingly and Fukuzawa grit his teeth to resist the urge to give the man a sound slap. "We're here for the treat."
The swordsman eyed him skeptically. "Treat? What treat?"
"Shh!" Chuuya suddenly hushed the two leaders, waving a dismissive hand at them. "It's about to start!" Hirotsu, Kouyou, Q, Elise, Mori, Gin, Akutagawa and Chuuya all but plastered themselves to the bulletproff glass of the observation area. Fukuzawa looked down to his employees to see that Kunikida had moved on from assembling guns and showing everyone the proper way to fire them to letting everyone fire a few rounds at the targets. They were at a beginner's distance and should be fairly easy to hit even for someone who's using a gun for the first time ever.
Kyouka stepped up first, of course, and had a practically perfect score, which had Kouyou cooing about her again. Yosano followed and did okay, though the recoil seemed to surprise her a bit. Ranpo missed all the targets and nearly dropped the gun twice, which left him pouting to the side. Tanizaki had a good grip but was too tense and almost flinched with each fired bullet. His score was just a tiny bit worse than Yosano's. Kenji ended up breaking the gun after three shots and Atsushi had an average score. All in all, rather abysmal.
Kunikida looked like he was losing hope in humanity since their most skilled member was a fourteen year old girl.
Then a gunshot sounded. And another. And another. Sixteen consecutive shots followed one another steadily as Fukuzawa felt his eyes widen upon catching sight of the shooter. It shouldn't have surprised him; he'd gotten a glimpse into Dazai's past, even though it was through conversations only.
Yet it was still a shock to see Dazai standing a bit away from the rest of his employees, steady as a rock yet relaxed as though he was born to bear the weight of a gun in his hand. The bullets had been fired one after the other so quickly that there was smoke coming off the barrel. The brunet's face was calm, at ease, as he effortlessly and without looking went through the motions of reloading a new magazine before he went back to shooting again, the recoil seemingly not bothering him one bit. And it was even more shocking to see that his target was at least three times further away than the ones the others were practicing on.
Tachihara let out an impressed whistle. "Damn. He's not half bad."
Akutagawa whipped around to strangle him with the speed of light. "Not half bad? Dazai-san is the best marksman in Port Mafia history, excluding Ability users who could alter their trajectory! How dare you-"
Gin silently rescued her colleague from her brother while Hirotsu swore he would teach the youngsters about Soukoku one of these days, especially the Demon Prodigy.
"Fuck, that's hot," Chuuya said and Fukuzawa sent him a disturbed look, which the ginger either didn't notice or didn't care about. "I haven't seen Dazai with a gun in over four years, what the fuck ... "
"Rintaro! Make stupid Dazai go through his usual training routine!" Elise whined to the Mafia Boss and he perked up at the suggestion.
"Fuck yeah!" Cheered the gravity manipulator.
"Mori-sensei can't make Dazai do anything if he doesn't want to," Fukuzawa felt the need to remind. After all, he can't have them thinking that they can just ... what? Take Dazai back into the fold?
The weirdest part is that this didn't even feel like an attempt at that, but rather just ... What was that term again? The one Yosano used to describe Poe around Ranpo?
Ah, simping.
They were just simping.
Fukuzawa blinked in a deadpan at his own realization. "What the fuck?" He muttered to himself even as his employees down in the range gathered around Dazai to interrogate him about his skills with a gun.
"Dazai-kun was one of Port Mafia's best marksmen," Ango spoke up, startling Fukuzawa as he'd fairly forgotten the man was even there despite his presence today literally being the only reason the Division wasn't breathing down their necks for this arrangement. "Besides Chuuya-kun and other Ability users whose Abilities allowed them to manipulate the bullets after they are fired, thus giving them a perfect marksmanship score, Dazai-kun's skill with a gun could be rivaled only by two others in the Mafia and thus probably in the country, too. Unfortunately, only one of those individuals is still among us to this day," the bespectacled government agent said sadly and Fukuzawa got the hint that it wouldn't be a good idea to further question this topic. "Then again, even then, it's not exactly fair to compare them all. After all, Dazai-kun was never a trained assassin. To compare him to someone who can see into the future or the Assassin King is unfair even to the Demon Prodigy. And yet," he sighed and didn't finish his thought, even at Fukuzawa's arched eyebrow.
"Should I have asked Dazai to train them, then?" He asked dryly and Ango winced.
Akutagawa went as stiff as a board and turned creepily towards the President. Rashoumon even crackled to life, hovering threateningly beside him.
"Hell to the no," grumbled Nakahara. He did not elaborate on it. Akutagawa seemed pacified by that. "Now, come on. Someone ask that mackerel to just go through his old practice routine."
"You're too eager."
"Oh, as if you don't get excited by the Agency doctor waving around her cleavers, Ane-san."
"... Touche."
Fukuzawa just wondered how this was his life.
He blamed it on Mori.
And considering they were talking about his two former proteges slash trauma children, he wasn't even wrong.
Meanwhile, down at the range, Kunikida managed to wrangle everyone back into practicing. Not that anyone felt particularly confident after witnessing Dazai's effortless skill with a gun. They'd moved on to moving target practice while Kunikida was finally testing Dazai's limits with all sorts of firearms that the Agency had a license for and even some they didn't that the Mafia had been 'generous' enough to provide, while occasionally making sure the others didn't hurt themselves.
Besides Kyouka, who was basically a trained assassin, Tanizaki and Atsushi had the best results with moving target practice, thanks to Tanizaki's limited experience and Atsushi's tiger reflexes. Yosano was right after them in skill, easily picking it up. Ranpo was just slightly better than Kenji, who still had the first instinct to just throw the gun at the target with all his strength.
Every now and then, Dazai could be heard snorting in amusement as he paused his own practice - testing, more like - to glance at how the others were doing. At some point, even Kunikida got annoyed when he himself was practicing and he missed an easy target. The blond threw a gun at Dazai and told him to show them what he can do. "It's easy to hit a stationary target, after all."
A good portion of the Port Mafia members watching cheered. Elise even ran down to the range to mess with the controls for the settings before Kunikida could waste any more of their time. Yosano, who was watching her warily from the moment she appeared in their vicinity, arched an eyebrow when she saw that the selected hardship level was set to a level labeled as DAZAI.
"Well, if you insist~" Dazai said with a theatrical sigh but took the gun thrown at him and another one for his until then free hand. "I'm assuming you want a show, Elise-chan?"
"You betcha, stupid Dazai!" The little blond cheered and Dazai just shook his head in almost fondness.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" He picked up half a dozen of full magazines and placed them at strategic points along the range as well as two loaded shotguns, all the while shooing the Agency members away from the range. They moved a bit quicker to follow that instruction when Q preceded the rest of the mafioso - plus Fukuzawa - as they, too, came down for a closer look but were careful to stay well out of Dazai's way, apparently. "Hit it," he said in the most serious tone the Agency had ever heard from him in person. Elise gave him a thumbs up and pressed a button. The sound of a mechanism coming to life made the detectives startle but it soon became obvious that it was coming from the range's targets. All its targets, mind you, moving erratically and at random speeds, left-right, up-down, towards the back and towards the front. Some even jumped up from random spots, be it from below or from behind other targets or the range's obstacles.
A timer appeared on the wall behind Dazai, facing the range, and then a loud blaring sound resonated through the big room.
Suddenly, as though a switch had been flipped, Dazai moved.
Bang bang bang bang bang
Off went one gone, Dazai moving parallel to the range with a swift and sure step, targets falling to the ground with each perfect shot. He didn't pause even as he emptied out one gun, instead just turning to use the other while single-handedly recharging his other gun. He made a total of three rounds like that before the targets sped up and he moved to using both guns and running parallel to the range. At one point, swinging targets fell from the ceiling and Dazai actually did an aerial cartwheel of sorts to aim at the targets, for some reason, shooting upside down and still hitting a perfect score. His landing did not break his stride nor the calculated way he took down each target that appeared in his view.
Bang bang bang bang bang
That was practically the only thing you could hear, aside from a BANG BANG of the two shotguns being fired only twice to penetrate what appeared to be several targets perfectly lined up for a single shot. Dazai barely even twitched with the recoil of holding two shotguns the way one would hold handguns, showing that the deceptively thin frame of his body hid a considerable amount of strength he apparently rarely bothered to use. The look in his eyes didn't change for the entire duration of those almost five minutes that the training regime(?) lasted before every last target was on the ground and smoke was steaming from the barrel of the guns. The sudden silence after all that loud noise was deafening, but Dazai didn't seem bothered by it as he casually pulled the safeties back in place and discarded the empty shotgun shells and magazines with an easy flick of his hands.
To say that everyone was staring in awe at him would be the understatement of the century. Elise and Q cheered in excitement, jumping around Dazai when he stepped away from the range, studying his score while absentmindedly running a hand through the smaller brunet's hair - unaware or uncaring about the glares Shin Soukoku and Kyouka were throwing at the smugly grinning Q who even threw them a raspberry for their efforts - and being careful not to touch the blond Ability manifestation. He hummed, seemingly pleased with his time.
Then he squeaked as he was grabbed by the waist by familiar gloved hands and was whipped around. He couldn't get a single word out before Chuuya smothered his mouth with a kiss, causing Dazai to hold on for dear life while the Agency members' jaws dropped. The Port Mafia, though, cheered as their Executive hauled their former Executive onto his shoulder and carried him out of the room with swift, sharp steps. Dazai didn't protest, just made sure not to meet anyone's eyes as he disappeared beyond the door.
"... Should we be worried?" Yosano asked, more amused than concerned.
"What is even going on here!?" Kunikida exclaimed, tearing at his hair.
"Yes, I wondered the same," a new voice mused and everyone turned to see a bleach blond man with long hair in a very light suit for someone affiliated with the Mafia. He seemed to have a similar sense of style as Chuuya, which had Kenji all but sparkling at him, but unlike Chuuya, Port Mafia Executive Paul Verlaine did not pay him not even 2% of his attention. "When I heard and then even got the alarm that someone was going to try out Dazai's practice regime, I came to stop the poor sod before he got shot to death. Imagine my disappointment when I saw my little brother carting off Dazai and the realization that I missed quite the show sank in," he said with an almost theatrical sigh as he studied the scoreboard like Dazai had. He whistled. "Huh. He broke his previous record. I'll have to get back into vigorous gun practice again; I fear I may have gotten rusty since I stopped having competition in two others four years ago."
"Excuse me, Verlaine-shishou," Kyouka called, surprising the Agency that she knew and apparently respected this man. The name itself surprised Fukuzawa and Ranpo more than that, though. "But what did you mean about getting shot?"
"Oh, right, you wouldn't know," the Assassin King said in realization. "Well, you see, there's a set timer. You need to hit a perfect shot within a certain time frame, or else you are shot at," he explained, pointing to the automatized guns hidden around the range. "Dazai-kun installed and programmed it because he wanted to sharpen his reflexes and battle awareness. So if you're not fast enough, you'll get randomly shot at. Good luck with not getting killed if you're not aware of this little ... perk. You'd be surprised by how many idiots we've lost that way."
"And should we be worried about Dazai? No one answered that," Yosano pointed out.
Verlaine sighed, Kouyou covered her reaction with one of her long sleeves while a good part of the rest of the Port Mafia snickered.
"You should worry about his legs the most," Elise, the little fiend, commented through a devilish giggle. "Chuuya-nii always liked when stupid Dazai got serious."
"... WHAT!?" Kunikida and Atsushi yelped, faces red, the younger mortified and embarrassed while the blond was mortified, angry, confused and ready to die.
"I think it's just the guns," remarked Hirotsu with a put-upon sigh.
"Nope. Chuuya-san likes seeing Dazai-san handle knives, too," Gin corrected, causing Verlaine and Kouyou to playfully groan. Mori, though, gave a slightly traumatized nod.
"I can confirm that," he said and Elise giggled at his misery.
"So can I," Q deadpanned. They may have been all but unconscious, but they had still heard Soukoku's bicker-flirting. Not to mention the retrieved security footage ... Chuuya hadn't been the least bit subtle about his appreciation of the ease with which Dazai handled his knife. Q had been almost more disgusted by the display than touched by Dazai deciding not to kill them.
"Is this something we should account for in the future?" Ranpo asked teasingly, having already suspected something of this nature to be going on between Soukoku.
"If you're stupid enough to give Dazai-san any guns or knives, then yes," Hirotsu said dryly.
"Stupid? But wouldn't it be smart?" Tachihara asked in clear confusion and bewilderment. "I mean, if his knife skills are anything like his gunmanship, why the hell wouldn't they want him using guns and knives? He could solve all the fights for them, judging by what we saw!"
"An exaggeration, but he's actually right," Higuchi said in support, equally as confused. "Why wouldn't it be a good idea to give Dazai-san weapons?"
"You mean aside from Dazai-kun using those same skills you so praise against the Port Mafia and having Chuuya-kun unavailable for unspecified amounts of time?" Mori drawled.
"Let's just say," an unexpected voice says from behind Verlaine and they all turn to see a mussed up Soukoku leaning on each other came back into the room. Dazai had a sheepish look on his face even as he tried to adjust the bandages around his neck to at least partially conceal the fresh marks left there. "That I ... get a bit too carried away with a gun in my hands~" Chuuya snorted at that but didn't otherwise comment.
Kouyou arched an eyebrow at them. "I expected you to be gone longer."
"Nah, you all just lost track of time." Everyone looked at their watches or phones at that and were surprised to find Chuuya was right. It has been some time since Chuuya carted off his partner for some fun alone time. "Are we done here today? 'Cus I have to go home and make dinner that a picky eater of a shitty mackerel will actually eat."
"Chuuya owes me. I can barely feel my legs."
"Your own fault."
"If you know this is how you react, then just don't come watch me practice with a gun!"
"Please! As though you wouldn't sit to the side all pretty and admire me when I fight!"
"Boys, please take this gay-ass bicker-flirt-fest out of my basement," Verlaine called, exasperated.
Soukoku rolled their eyes at him.
Verlaine got their meaning just from the Look™️ they were giving him. "Rude!"
Still, Soukoku listened and no one tried to stop them. Most of the mafioso left after that, too, the only ones staying being Mori, Kouyou, Akutagawa and Verlaine, who actually offered assistance to the Agency for their training session at the range.
When Fukuzawa mused aloud whether they should teach the Agency members to use longer blades, like swords and katanas, Mori and Kouyou perked up, their eyes focused on two different individuals, while Verlaine hummed. "That reminds me of the time Dazai-kun asked me to teach him the basics with a katana."
"... WHAT!?"
(If you're wondering, Chuuya also felt betrayed about not knowing this particular skill of Dazai's.
He forced the brunet to give him a private demonstration, which Dazai all too gleefully did.
Dazai was not seen or heard from for a week.)
OWARI