walk me home

so say you'll stay with me tonight
'cause there is so much wrong going on outside

She's seen a lot of traumas in her life that sometimes it wasn't a surprise to her anymore. People from her circle has either left her or died – something she couldn't control even though she would've wanted to. The wave of change still scares her, leaving her to grasp for anything that resembles stability and calm as the past years shook her well.

The many times she almost lost someone or something she loved and cared for was reason enough to freeze. But one of those someones told her once that in a crisis, she doesn't freeze. She pushes through and helps the people around her do as well.

Meredith stared at the photograph displayed on top of her desk. It was a picture of Derek and the kids she took from when an ice cream truck stopped in front of the old house. The kids looking a little younger with each holding a popsicle – Zola was beaming widely; Bailey's eyes were fixed on the dripping blue-colored frozen juice but smiling otherwise; and Ellis has her tongue stuck out to catch the sticky drizzle of melted popsicle on her hand.

And her eldest kid was holding two ice cream cones – his was coffee flavored and the other one was strawberry that was meant for her – with a look of pride and a bright smile. They've built a loving family over all the tragedies they've been through together. And forever, she'll look at it as a sufficient ground to push through. To continue. To survive.

Because she doesn't want her kids to go through the hell she already went through. They deserve a life worth living. She deserves a life worth living.

That was such a good memory to reminisce that she didn't hear the door to her office opened.

"I need some advice. Not a chiefly professional one. A sisterly advice." Maggie welcomed herself in her sister's office and started pacing in front of her. She loves her sister, but times like this made her want to just punch her in the face for popping a happy bubble of memory she's enjoying remembering.

"Why? What's wrong?" she's heard some rumors from the nurses' station that Pierce and Ndugu were at each other's throats for the past couple of weeks, but she still hasn't said anything to her. "You and Winston okay?"

"How did – Oh my God, who told you? Did he already come here -?" she briefly stopped pacing back and forth as panic painted her whole face. Her emotions were up to something, for sure.

"Maggie, you know gossip runs faster than anything here. People talk, that's how I know." She closed a folder, put it to the stack on the side, and looked up to her sister. "So you and Winston are not okay."

Meredith concluded. Not at all a question. She knew her sister too well that her facial expressions and body languages are already giveaways to her. One squint from Maggie and she knew she's up for something.

"He wants to quit cardio and shift to another specialty. To save our marriage. Our marriage, Mer!" her sister was brilliant, genius even. Extraordinary in many ways. And from Thatcher's words, she was something good that came from all of Richard and Ellis' infidelity.

She's a perfectionist. That's why little dents and cracks frustrate her and the urge of having to fix it then and there was mid to high.

"I did that to save mine many years ago. It was rough, but it turned out okay." Meredith replied almost nonchalantly, only to get dagger looks from her sister.

"He's Winston. Competitive. Strong-willed. Unafraid to take up a challenge and take risks. I don't want him doing things that he'll soon regret or resent me for afterwards. He loves cardio, I'm not gonna let him switch specialties just because he can't take me bossing him around!" Maggie rambled.

"Have you talked to him?" she sighed and shook her head. Like her, Maggie wasn't also a topnotcher at communicating. They ramble, it's what they do. "You have to talk to him and tell him exactly what you said to me. I can't help you with this, Mags, I'm sorry. This matter should be between you and Winston."

"But you're married for a long time! You and Derek made it this far. My nieces and nephew are in a loving home, taken care of and loved. We're barely on our second year and things like this happen, I'm already losing my mind." Meredith thought of her years with Derek. Their beginning was very hard and cruel and at some point, not worth telling but they've really made it this far.

They were a tell tale of a love story that is imperfect and challenging. But people also look up to them with how they managed to stay together after everything. Even she was amused sometimes that they were one of the lessened numbers of hospital couples that were still standing strong.

"My marriage went through so much before it became better. Ask Derek, he's gonna tell you the same and maybe give you a list of the times when we almost didn't make it. He drives me crazy that sometimes I want to strangle him and tell him I'm getting rid of him." She chuckled.

"But I never did, I probably won't do. I told him once that I can live without him because I can. But I also told him I don't want to. Ever. I've lived with him for more than a decade I'm practically attached to him. And if I lose him…" she shook her head as memories of him almost dying countless times flashed in her mind. It's still one of her greatest fear, traumatic incidents that she wished they never had to experience.

"You're never gonna lose Derek. He's attached as much as you are. That's why I run to you guys for advice." Maggie spoke softly. Meredith smiled in appreciation.

"He's trying to make things work. Winston. He's looking for answers that'll make do to keep your marriage safe and intact. Maybe now switching specialty is the answer he found. Talk to him, Maggie, before all of this gets worse and before your only option is separating." She sounded like a marriage counselor, a shrink even. From her experiences and the in and out of Dr. Wyatt's office, she earned this moment to say things and advise her sister to gather her crap and just blurt it out. Not to her but to her husband who's maybe losing his own mind at the moment as well.

"You're good at this whole… advising thingy." Maggie squinted her eyes at her sister, walking backwards until she reached the door.

"Right? You're gonna have to pay me next time. I'm saving up for the kids' education. Being a doctor is expensive!" they giggled as Maggie thanked her and swiftly exited the room. At least she's done something. With the mountain of piled, unfinished paperwork on her desk, she's done something good and useful to mankind.

She looked at her phone to check if her husband has called yet. He was supposed to come home from New York earlier in the day, but his flight got delayed and he hasn't called or texted her since. It doesn't mean that his plane crashed or something, she reminded herself. Panicking won't do her any good, but a call or a text from him to let her know he's safe and alive would be nice.

Carolyn called Derek a few days ago about a matter so private that she doesn't even know what exactly it was. He just said that his mother needs someone to take care of something that his sisters don't know about yet – even Amelia – and he's the only one that would be of use to for now. So, he flew that same night and took the redeye.

She was in her red robe with sleep written all over her face.

"How long do you think you'll be there?" Meredith tried to rub the sleep off her eyes and yawned. This was an unexpected trip he's lucky he got tickets smoothly.

"I'm not sure. But I'm on the first plane back once I settled everything there." He zipped the suitcase and looked up to meet her eyes.

"What is it exactly?" she asked, brows furrowed. He knows she wouldn't be still if she didn't know but he also knows her not knowing was the safest thing for the moment. He'd tell her when everything's ironed out.

"I-I can't tell you yet, Mer. I'm sorry." Derek looked at his wife softly. She has so much on her plate with being the chief, a mother, and his wife. She doesn't need another thing to think about.

"Okay." The only thing she could do was nod. "But… do I have to be worried?"

"No, so try not to be. C'mere." he muttered, pulling her to his arms and engulfing her lithe frame in his embrace. "I'm sorry I'm leaving you alone with the kids."

"Oh, I'm gonna be fine. With those attitude and tantrums? I'm gonna be fine." She snorted, unbreaking the very closed distance between them. There was no gap, almost no air, but that was the only place she could breathe and felt the safest.

"Seriously, we're going to be okay. Just do what you have to do out there so you can come back here the soonest." She has her voice muffled as her cheek pressed down his chest.

"I'm going to try my best to be home as soon as possible, I promise." He kissed the top of her head, reluctantly pulled away from her, and leaned down to kiss her lips. And again. Then one more.

She insisted to walk him out the door, but he told her not to and said to just stay in the room and sleep. She got to get up very early to take the kids to school and go to work the next morning. And so she did. She just heard the front door closed and a car engine started, and the sound drifted away in seconds.

"Amelia!" she spotted her sister coming out of a room in the ICU and heading towards the nurses' station.

"Hey! Derek home yet?" she gave the tablet to one of the nurses and met her sister halfway.

"No, not yet. He hasn't called you?"

"No, you?"

"He told me his flight got delayed, but no texts or call from him ever since. Tell me this feeling I'm feeling is valid and I am not overreacting." She grew a little worried every single second without knowing where and how he was.

"What you feel right now is valid and you are so not overreacting. The last time he did something like this, he got hit by a semi. So, no. You're just feeling the right feeling." Amelia checked her own phone but no traces from his brother was found. She dialed him but it went straight to voicemail. She pocketed the gadget and looked up to his brother's wife. The look on her face scared her a bit.

"I'm sure he's fine. He doesn't like worrying you – "

"Well, he should've called to let me know he's still alive!" Meredith gritted, rubbing her temple with her fingers. She has a hospital to run and boss around but her mind keeps circling back to Derek. He gave her little details when he left, he wouldn't talk about it when they FaceTime, and now there was no trace of him and wouldn't answer calls.

"I have to ask you something." Meredith hesitated.

"Shoot." Putting her hands in her pockets, Amelia faced her sister. The earlier look of panic on her face was instantly replaced by a confused one.

"Did he tell you what he's doing out back?"

"Our mother needs someone to settle some things back in New York; only Derek and I were the first ones to know. Maybe because we're the only Shepherds living far away from her, and she already got sick of the other three. At least that's what she told me when Scout accidentally answered the phone, and I had no choice but to talk to her." She shrugged. "He didn't tell you?"

"Well, that part, he did. But what's piquing my interest is what exactly did he have to settle?"

"They didn't tell me what it was specifically, but it may have to do with our childhood house. Mom's been thinking of renovating it."

"If it's that, then it's not so hard to just say it." Her phone beeped in her pocket as Amelia watched her. Her brother was in trouble after trouble.

"Is it him?"

"It's the E.R., I'm needed down there." She took two steps forward only to turn back around. "When he gets back, I'm gonna throw him off the cliff near the house and make it look like he jumped himself." She walked away with a smirk on her face.

"Count me in!" Amelia yelled, giggling at the idea despite herself.

Doing paperwork distracted her. After a consult in the E.R., she busied herself sitting down and keeping her mind off her missing husband. The pile of finished folders was stacked on her side, and she was down to the last bunch of papers when her phone rang.

"Where exactly are you?" the words came out harsher than she intended it to be. Otherwise, she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hello to you too. Glad to know you missed me." She could practically see the smirk on his face. "What are you doing, sitting down on your throne the whole day?"

"Doing paperwork!" she rolled her eyes, "Wait… what – where are you, Derek?" she stood up, roamed her eyes around until it caught the window overlooking the catwalk. He stood there, luggage on one hand, his coat hung on his arm, a briefcase on the opposite shoulder connecting to his hand that was holding the phone.

She walked to the door as he walked to her office. Now he made it easier for her to kill him. She'd just wrap her arms around him until he can't breathe.

"I'm starting to think of killing you, be glad you made the right choice to call. You caught your life on time." She pointed at him as she gritted while he was extending his arms to hug her. She exhaled a breath of relief and held him very close to her. "Don't let go yet." She whispered, making him chuckle.

Her arms wrapped around his neck as he leaned down for her to reach him close. Very close. His hands automatically rubbed her back, and he felt her muscles relax to the gesture. Apparently, she's missed him as much as he did. She was the first thing he needed to see after the previous days.

"Never." He kissed the side of her neck as her scent filled his nostrils. This was home. He was finally home. She pulled away, looked at him, and examined his face. He looked… okay. Like he was just getting by the day. She wouldn't push him to tell her more if he wasn't ready.

She smacked his stomach once.

"You didn't answer your phone! Amelia and I tried to reach you, but it went straight to voicemail!"

"I turned my phone off on the plane, forgot to turn it back on. Sorry." He leaned down to kiss her thrice on the lips. The last one was longer than the first two.

"So, are you gonna tell me about this super-secret mission with your mom?" she gently pushed, slightly feeling the need to have some answers.

"Can we talk about something else?" he winced, and it didn't go unnoticed to her as they walked hand in hand inside her office. He squeezed her hand, and she gestured the same to reassure him it's fine, if he's still not ready. It's gonna be fine.

"Well, how was your flight? How's Carolyn?" she obliged to change the subject.

"Long. She asked if we're flying out there for thanksgiving or Christmas. She complains she hasn't seen her four youngest grandkids that live on the West Coast. And she said you two need to catch up on things." He gave her a brief rundown. There were so many things to be said, but that was enough for now.

"We talk. Sometimes. I pick up the phone whenever she calls." It seemed that Carolyn knew better than to push her. She set boundaries and asks permission every time she wants to send gifts for the kids or them. What Meredith gives, she accepts. Carolyn was just happy her son found someone who understands his pain, and him generally. And when they both went through the pain of knowing they might lose Derek, both women stood strong for their respective families.

"Hey, so I'm thinking we can go out for dinner if you're up to it. Or we can order in, have the night to ourselves." She offered. Her past four days were quiet and they were long due for a date. They haven't even been in the same OR for who knows how long. Tonight would be a great chance to spend time together.

"Yeah, sure. I just – " he looked at the phone in his hand, "I just have to talk to Amy first. You finish up everything, I'll be back." He quickly kissed her and exited the room.

Whatever the hell he did in New York – that she has no idea about – had her a tiny bit curious.

A knock on her door interrupted her from signing her last patient's chart. She was finally done for the day was ready to pick up Scout in daycare after seeing him briefly earlier that day.

"Come in!" the door opened and revealed her brother, looking like fresh from a plane ride and still on street clothes. "Hey, brother! Welcome back!"

Amelia smiled and stood up from her seat to approach her brother and embrace him. If years ago they had been on each other's throats, they stick together for the past years and learned from their mistakes. Their relationship was a picture of a beautiful disaster. They both have heavy baggage from their past that they rarely talk about that sometimes covers their eyes and forbids them to see the bigger picture.

They've grown out of it and learned that having people is better than having no one and being alone. That in case life throws them lemons again, they'd know they have each other.

"We need to talk." Her moment of relief suddenly vanished. He was a killer of joy; she knew that since they were kids.

"Why? What's wrong? Who died?" she started fiddling with her fingers. This is bad. So bad.

"No one died, Amelia." The use of her full name didn't go overlooked. And the fact that no one died didn't even make her feel better.

"Derek?"

He crossed his arms to his chest and took a deep breath.

"Something's up in New York. You should call Mom back."

A/N: And we're taking a step forward into writing a full-blown story. This makes me nervous and anxious at the same time. I've had this idea for a couple of weeks and something tells me to just freakin' write it. So, I did!

We can all just say and assume that this was set in Season 19. I don't know what story lines they offer these days, I refuse to watch the new episodes as I barely recognize the faces there. Lol.

This is a very MerDer AU. I can't promise to update every week but I'll try my best to write as much as I can.

Let me know your thoughts about this first chapter! Your words literally inspire me to keep writing. Thanks so so much!