Jonny certainly didn't expect to find himself hanging upside-down over a deep, dark hole. Especially not a hole that definitely looked deeper than the one that led him and Plank straight to China that one time. He squinted. Nope, still couldn't see anything down there. His arms tightened around Plank.

"What's that, Plank?" Jonny listened. "No, I don't owe anybody money. We usually don't have any." He looked down. Or was it up? "Good thing, too. I'd be losing a lot of pocket change, right now."

Three giggling shadows emerged from the nearby trees. Jonny held Plank tighter to his chest. The three giggling shadows surrounded him. One lined and lit up the edge of the hole with a set of mismatched and discolored candles. The flames revealed the closest shadow's face, partially hidden under a hood and a thick heap of ragged red hair. The other two grinned at him, with beady eyes beneath messy blue and blonde hair. They laughed again in unison, shaking in strange, dark gray robes.

Jonny's eyes bulged. "Look out, Plank! It's The Kankers!"

The redhead jabbed his forehead with one greasy finger. "That's right, weird boy."

"Weird boy?"

"Yeah!" crowed the blonde, between a nasally snort and a piglike grunt. "Doesn't get any weirder than some loser talkin' to a hunk of wood."

"I dunno," spoke the blue-haired one. "Your brain's probably a hunk of wood, too." She leaned towards the redhead. "Sure we can't toss May in with him?"

"I thought about that, but then who'd do the dishes and wipe the bathroom linoleum?"

"I heard that!" May barked.

The redhead swatted May in the back of the head. "Go get the stuff! We can't sacrifice this weirdo without them."

"Why do I gotta get 'em? I had to tie him up!"

"You only got his legs, May."

"Tying knots is hard, Marie!"

Jonny trembled. "What the heck are you guys talking about?" He held Plank to his ear. "Ritualistic sacrifice?! Holy Toledo!"

"Will you cram it?!" Marie hissed. "May, go get the stuff."

May grumbled and disappeared out of Jonny and Plank's line of sight. Marie frowned at the hole. "You sure this is deep enough, Lee?"

"I'm sure. I made May dig all day. Now, shut up. We gotta get ready." Lee grinned at Jonny under her eye-blinding tangle of hair. (How did she see him, or anything, anyway?) "Hope you're nice and comfy for your last moments on Earth, weirdo."

Jonny held Plank to his ear again. "Plank says, 'Big talk coming from three ugly old hags walking around in bathrobes late at night.'"

Lee snarled, but, surprisingly, didn't hit him or try to rip Plank from his grasp. "Go ahead, keep being weird. That's exactly why you're here."

"Being weird? I have no idea what she's talking about, Plank. Do you?"

May returned a couple minutes later and nearly dropped the stuff down the deep, dark hole. Marie walloped the side of her bucktoothed face for that. May responded with a kick to the stomach.

"May! Marie! Do I have to do everythin' myself?"

"Be a nice change."

"Yeah, 'cuz you made me dig the hole!"

"You better hope it's deep enough!"

"Quit bickerin'! We gots someone to summon, remember?" Lee tapped her left temple.

Her sisters grumbled some more and arranged the stuff. Said stuff included a scratchy notebook, a knife wrapped in a dark red napkin ("Oh, Plank… Don't tell me that's what I think it is, okay?"), and a cowbell that had been unevenly spray-painted black. Marie took the bell. May slugged her under the chin and grabbed it for herself. Marie locked the bucktoothed blonde into a chokehold. "You got to ring it last time!"

"We've never done this before, stupid!" Marie jabbed her fingers into May's eyes and took the bell.

"Let me ring it! I'm good at ringin' bells!" May bit Marie's arm.

Marie's visible eye almost burst from its socket. May unlatched her teeth and clamped them around the bell's handle. The blue-haired sister advanced onto the blonde, ready to feed her a knuckle sandwich or three.

"Hey! Did you two numbskulls forget why we're here?!" Lee bellowed.

Marie froze in the middle of flattening May's nose with her fist.

"Let her have the dumb bell. We've got work to do."

"Fine." Marie punched May's chin for good measure and crossed her arms.

Lee opened the scratchy notebook and flipped to a page slathered with handwriting that may as well have been Greek to Jonny, even if he wasn't upside-down. "To appease and entreat Amarr'us Lu'sah, we must present a person ostracized by their peers as an offering for its boundless appetite."

Marie and May stared. The latter then asked, "What does that even mean?"

Her blue-haired sister took the cheap shot and slapped May's shoulder. "It's obvious, idiot."

"Oh, yeah?"

"It means, we gotta feed it a total weirdo nobody likes. Like this tree-huggin' freak." Lee corked her thumb at Jonny.

"I knew that."

"Did not!"

"Will you two clam up?! So, like I was sayin', we gotta feed this weirdo to Amarr'us Lu'sah, so it'll give us exactly what we want."

"I still say we shoulda gone for the weird kid with the farm animals."

"No way I'm goin' back there!" May rubbed her butt. "That goat is nuts!"

Lee and Marie guffawed, even when May tried to level them with a sour glare.

Jonny held Plank to his ear. "Plank says, 'You guys are bigger weirdos, 'cuz nobody likes you.'"

Lee swung the back of her hand at Jonny, sending the poor fellow a-spinning. "I'm getting dizzy! Plank said it, not me!" he protested.

"Our boyfriends like us!" Lee growled. "They just need a little more encouragement, is all. Now, pipe down and be a good little sacrifice, before I dent that beach ball you call a head." She flicked Plank between the eyes. An inconvenient splinter speared her fingertip. Marie and May cackled behind her. Lee knocked the splinter out with a good ol' slap upside their heads. "May, get the stupid bell ready. Marie, get the knife."

Jonny's eyes started to bug out, until the napkin fell away and exposed a butter knife. A very dull one.

"What am I supposed to do with this? Butter his toast?" Marie scoffed.

"Hey, that's what I gotta do for Big Ed! Gimme!"

Marie punched May right between the eyes. "You got the stupid bell. Stop complainin'."

Lee groaned. "What's the point of rehearsals, if you two can't get it through your thick skulls?"

"We have rehearsals?"

"So, what, I gotta carve him up? Or maybe…" Marie bared her green teeth. "Maybe I'll cut up his little friend and make him watch."

Jonny clung to Plank tighter than he ever had before. "No! I won't let you!"

"No, Marie. As funny as that would be, I need you to carve these symbols around the hole." Lee shoved a crumpled sheet of loose-leaf into her sister's face. "Now, hurry up! We only got a little more time to summon Amarr'us Lu'sah!"

Marie muttered bad words under her breath and began carving symbols into the dirt. From what Jonny could see, they looked like if someone tried to shove the alphabet through a woodchipper. (Good thing Plank didn't hear that!) The candles seemed to glow a little brighter once Marie finished with her mauled ABC's. Jonny trembled and closed his eyes. Opening them didn't make The Kankers go away.

"Okay, I finished the stupid symbols." Marie wadded the loose-leaf and tossed it down the hole.

Lee clapped the back of her head. "It's not a trash can, bonehead!"

"Hit me again, and it's gonna be where I bury you."

"Guys! Guys!" May rang the bell. "Remember why we're here! Remember the Eds!"

The three of them sighed, and then cackled like the three evil witches they truly were. Jonny's stomach lurched. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Hey, don't start pukin' up there!" Lee snapped. "Now, let's begin. May, you start ringin' the bell as soon as I start readin'."

"How come you get to do the summonin' part?"

"Because she can actually read, May."

Lee sneered. "Marie's right. Besides, you got the bell, May. Why do you gotta do everythin'?"

"You made me dig the hole!"
"You're good for back-breakin' labor." Lee clapped the page with her palm. "It's time. Time to read the words that'll bring Amarr'us Lu'sah and make the Eds our loyal love slaves until the stars burn right outta the sky!" She laughed demonically. Her sisters joined her.

Jonny grimaced. For all the headaches the Eds caused him and Plank, they didn't deserve that.

"Okay, so ‒ May, stop it! I ain't readin' yet!"

"Soh-rreeee, Lee!"

Lee clutched and shook her head. "Keep that up, and we're throwin' you in for dessert." She began. "Oh, Amarr'us Lu'sah ‒ you who are The Giver of Truth, Love, and Despair! We beseech you and make a humble offerin' of an outcast, in exchange for your help in the eternal capture of the hearts of our stubborn beaus!"

Bright red lights cracked along the edges of the hole, forcing Jonny to free one hand to shield his eyes. Lee read on, spouting gargled words Jonny couldn't understand, set to May's ringing bell. Marie grinned and all but drooled in anticipation. Between his fingers, Jonny could see lots and lots of teeth, like a bunch of hungry sharks gathering while he was forced to walk the plank. Or a giant garbage disposal. (Jonny wasn't sure which was worse. Especially since garbage disposals and sharks didn't have dozens of beady black eyes staring back at him!)

Jonny paused, and then glared at Plank. "My head is not fat enough to feed an alligator!" He paused again. "Wait, that thing's way bigger than an alligator! No way I'll be enough. Oh, well. Might as well let us go."

"Quiet, midnight snack!" Lee hissed.

The living, shark-mouthed garbage disposal drew closer. Jonny could smell something nasty ‒ like that time they left the lutefisk out in the sun too long. "This is it, Plank! I'm sorry I never got to take you to see the redwoods!"

The three wicked sisters laughed while May rang the bell louder and louder. "They'll give us foot rubs and sponge baths and be our complete and utter slaves for all eternity!" they cheered.

Jonny knew there was only one thing he could do. "Save yourself!" He threw Plank into the air.

The board flew butt-first into Lee's exposed hair. She screamed and clawed in a desperate attempt to knock him out. "Get it offa me!"

"Stop squirmin'!" Marie's hands clapped and slapped the back of her head.

May glared. "That's not how you do it!"

Lee spun and sent Plank flying towards a tree far enough from the hole. Marie's hand once again struck the back of Lee's head. Lee whirled back and cracked both fist under Marie's chin. May instinctively lobbed the spray-painted cowbell at their heads. Her sisters instinctively grabbed her and shoved her towards the hole. May grabbed their throats while she stumbled backwards. Jonny covered his eyes. Their screams were quickly drowned under what could've been dozens of chainsaws running at once. Then, the sound of a zipper cut off the red light and the chainsaw teeth. Jonny uncovered his eyes. The hole was completely gone, as though it had never been there.

"Wow, what a horrible way to go." He smiled at Plank. "I knew you'd save me, good buddy."

A couple more minutes passed before another important question occurred to him. "How do I get down?"