Approaching the Cohen's sundrenched door, Anna's mind unwillingly conjured three ghosts. One of her in a white dress, walking towards a lonely Seth Cohen on New Year's eve.
She had been infatuated with him last year. Finally, someone just like her. Scrawny, smart, unloved. Endlessly interesting and effortlessly cool, at least to her. Hanging off his every word, reading anything he'd suggest. Savouring every interaction.
She remembered leaving the party, saying goodbye to Summer with every intention to just go back home.
Then the longing for Seth, the sick feeling in her stomach that defined that era, had slowly crept in on the drive back. The familiar thought had entered her mind, as naturally as a pendulum returning to its resting equilibrium. If she could just get Seth to pick her, everything would be okay.
We all hurt each other, so much…We gave him so much power over us…And he had no idea what to do with it…
The final shadow, the inevitable conclusion.
The night she broke up with Seth, the night she admitted to herself that she was never going to be enough for him. Long ago, the final days of Oliver. Sneaking into the pool house with the help of Luke and the permission of Sandy, despite Ryan being in horrendous amounts of trouble.
She had found him, jagged and weak. Angry and scared. Ready to throw everything away. His ex-girlfriend was staying at a hotel with a maniac.
She had been near breaking, ready to never return.
Her 'boyfriend' in the living room, flirting with her closest friend for thousands of miles.
That conversation was forever etched into her mind. Everything that had happened in the wake of that night.
She had returned to the house,
He stayed in the pool house.
He made the decision, no longer fighting to be with Marissa
She made the decision, no longer fighting to be with Seth.
Yet he had still saved Marissa from Oliver.
And Anna saved Seth and Summer from themselves.
Then they walked away, neither asking nor wanting anything in return from those they have saved.
Wounded, exhausted, yearning for the peace of solitude.
And slowly, while looking for solitude, they found one another.
Not without help. Not without Luke, Summer, Theresa…They had all built her back up. Helped her to feel like she was enough.
Even Sandy and Kirsten.
In the end, Sandy had been right. Superficial similarities like Death Cab and sailing didn't guarantee a successful relationship.
Understanding, patience, kindness, confidence, trust.
She had accidentally found them all and so much more, all in a place she had never expected.
In a kind, guarded smile.
In a razorsharp, passionate mind.
In deep, beautiful ocean blue eyes.
Anna's mind returned to the driveway. The images, perhaps realising they were out of time, retreated. She was alone with the shining sun. The tension in her chest was the only remnant of her reminiscence.
Pointedly, she forced her mind to stay in the present. Kirsten's car was in the driveway, Sandy's was not, no sound of Seth in the garden. Hoping that it was just Kirsten who had made it back early, she knocked on the door.
Having lasted all of twenty seconds, the hope disappeared as Seth nonchalantly opened the door.
"Ahh, Anna", Seth's voice did nothing to help disperse the tension. "Third evening this week…Did the great Cameron Stern not leave you enough udon noodles…or are you just hoping if you come here often enough Sandy will adopt you as well?" Seth asked, hanging off the door. "Might make it a little weird with Ryan…" The tiniest smile remained on his face, as if returning his mouth back to neutral was too much effort.
"Can we…not do this. Please. Seth", Anna sighed, hoping her voice sounded as tired as she felt. "I'm sorry to be a constant reminder to you that I exist, truly…But today has been mean enough to me without you as the final boss".
Anna saw something shift in Seth's eyes, he bobbed his head to one side.
"Okay", he said after a moment.
"Great", Anna replied, unsure if her plea had worked. "So…Is Ryan back yet?"
"No, him and Methuselah are running late. No idea where". Seth spoke cautiously, a fraction of warmth entering his voice.
"Well then. It sounds like you need someone to help Kirsten cook…" she said, mustering her remaining energy into a smirk. Seth's tiny smile disappeared, taken off guard.
"Damn…You are so very right". He paused for a moment, looking up and down at Anna. It looked like he hadn't left the house all day. "And here I was thinking that the image of me closing this door in your face was going to warm me into the winter months".
"Warm you? Winter is basically t-shirt weather in this dust bowl", Anna quickly shot back.
"Spoken like a true barbarian from beyond the frontier". Seth's smile increased from tiny to 'thin' as he opened the door for her. "Come in Boudica, try not to pillage anything". Despite herself, Anna smiled at the joke as she walked into the Cohen's high ceiling foyer.
"Sorry to inconvenience you Emperor, should I bow before entering?" Anna said, affecting her best English accent. Clearly surprised, Seth half turned back around.
"I didn't expect you to play along with that…" he said, almost to himself.
"What can I say? When you aren't being an ass, you are actually fun to be around", Anna replied.
"Seth dear, who was at the door?" Kirsten asked, staring into the fridge-freezer like it was about to explode.
"Just a lost pagan in need of feeding, mom", Seth said as they walked into the kitchen. Turning her head, Kirsten's confusion gave way to mild panic.
"A what? Oh Anna, hi, dinner, yes…Sorry Ryan and Sandy aren't back yet…Individually. From their individual things".
"Oh no, that's okay", Anna said, assuming Kirsten was also having a long day. "I was actually wondering if you needed help with dinner. It is the least I can do, really". Anna felt some tension dissipating as Kirsten smiled warmly at her, trying to remember when her mom had smiled like that.
"That…That would be great Anna, thank you", she said, visible relief all over her face as she handed her a bowl.
Realising that Anna and Kirsten were not going to be the most sympathetic crowd to his 'Zach and Summer' problems, Seth quickly grew bored.
"Well, if you need me ladies", he said, faking a yawn. "I'll be poolside. Maybe looking out into the infinite blue can help me understand my place in this lonely universe".
Anna pretended to be too busy measuring with the scales to hear Seth speak.
"That's nice dear", Kirsten replied simply. Anna didn't attempt to contain her smile.
Once Seth had left, Kirsten's tone became less guarded. Anna wondered if the sting of Seth leaving hadn't fully healed. It certainly wasn't for Summer.
When he had first sailed away, Anna had apologised endlessly. For Ryan being in hospital, for Seth sailing away. The intensity of the feeling that she had ruined everything was still easy for her to recall.
"The boys seem more comfortable now", Kirsten said as she closed the fridge door. Clearly Kirsten had been reliving the same events, Anna thought.
"Yeah, I think Ryan is enjoying normality…Relative normality", Anna said with a slight nervous laugh.
"Newpsie normality", Kirsten said, smiling warmly. "And I would say mostly thanks to you young lady".
"Me?" Anna said reflexively.
"Of course. Since the day he arrived with Sandy, I've never seen him this happy and carefree".
"I…I would say that is all him, really", Anna said, breaking off eye-contact to look at the kitchen counter. Her mind churned up images from the beginning of summer break, Marissa, Seth, Ryan. "I'm just…doing my little part".
From the corner of her head, she saw Kirsten shake her head.
"I can assure you that the young man who handed me a literature magazine with a poem he wrote inside with tickets to his soccer game inside…That was not the same young man we took in, my dear", she said, finishing with a firm but gentle smile.
Searching for a response, all Anna could muster was a small and nervous smile.
When it became clear Anna wasn't going to respond, Kirsten continued.
"Ryan is like Sandy…Much more than Seth is, as strange as it sounds. They are very strong, capable, they give the impression of being self-sufficient…But they need a solid foundation, they need stability".
Don't we all? Anna thought, nodding.
"Maybe it is their respective childhoods…" Kirsten glanced out the window, to her son and then beyond him, to the ocean. "Without stability, their strength turns against them. I've seen it happen to Sandy, it eats him alive if he feels he isn't the man he should be. Failure eats at them". .
Kirsten paused for a moment, a look of discomfort on her face.
"All last year Ryan was thrown from one situation to the next…No solid ground, constantly tested…" Anna saw the sadness dissipating in Kirsten's cloudy blue eyes. "But now, for the first time in a long time, I think he feels that he is living up to his own expectations. He seems at peace. He doesn't have to worry about where he will eat, sleep…He doesn't wake up every day trying to hold back the sea…Save this, fix that…Do not underestimate your part in that, young lady".
"Thank you Mrs Cohen, really", Anna said after a moment, taken aback and curious as to what had prompted it. "I wish I could see it that way as easily as you do...But thank you. It means a lot that you do…After everything that happened". Anna saw Kirsten move uncomfortably from the corner of her vision.
"I hope you are not implying what I think you are", Kirsten said, concern permeating her voice.
When Anna didn't reply, her tone changed.
"Anna, I thought Sandy and I made it clear-"
"You did, I'm sorry. You really did…It is just hard…Hard not to see it that way sometimes" Anna stopped, wondering if she should continue. Quietly, she continued,"it hurt you all, and I couldn't stop it".
Walking across the kitchen, Kirsten stopped beside Anna.
"Oh sweetie, you are not their keeper. Every decision Seth, Ryan and Marissa made that day was their own. You can't bear responsibility for everyone's actions on your shoulder…Trust me, I've tried.".
"I guess I'm still trying", Anna replied, smiling weakly at Kirsten.
"Good, and don't stop. And if you ever need someone to tell you that you weren't responsible for this summer. You know where we live". Looking up, Anna saw Kirsten's eyes, firm in resolve and full of kindness.
"Thank you Mrs Co-...Kirsten".
The two of them returned to a comfortable silence as they worked for a few minutes. Occasionally Anna would see Seth outside, on the phone to someone as he paced up and down the poolside.
"If you don't mind…While we are on unusual topics", Kirsten said as she fired up the induction hob.
"Oh no…" Anna said, deliberately making a nervous face for once. "What have I done now?"
Kirsten let out a sharp gut good natured laugh.
"Never has such a nice girl had such a guilty conscience…" she said, rolling her eyes. "Nothing bad, I just wanted to ask after Patricia and Cameron. After our impromptu meeting at the hospital, you might remember we were meeting for dinner semi-regularly. But they've cancelled the last few times…And well, you've been over here a lot recently…Not that I mind, truly". Raising her hand to cut off any objection, Kirsten smiled warmly. "...And now I sound like my mother".
Underneath Kirsten's laugh and smile was a concerned mother. One who wasn't going to accept an excuse, Anna sensed.
"Ahh, well…" Taking a breath in, Anna looked up to Kirsten, her blue-grey eyes had become piercing in the evening sunlight. "I don't think they are doing too good…" Anna said, the breath tumbling out as a sigh after. "But I don't know…I mean, they just aren't around…And when they are, they aren't happy anymore. Dad told me he was going to try to spend more time around the house these next two weeks but Tokyo round…8?" Anna realised she was gripping the handle of the pan. "Whatever the number, it made sure that didn't happen".
"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. And what about Patricia?" Kirsten asked softly.
"I don't really know, she doesn't tell me anything", Anna lied. "Dad's business trips don't help…And leaving Pittsburgh was tough on both of them…Mom especially".
"Me and Sandy know a little about that, unfortunately", Kirsten said, touching Anna's shoulder. "It was tough on Sandy, coming here…" she continued, her mind clearly delving twenty years into the past. "I don't think he had ever imagined living outside of a city centre. At 22, I think this country was essentially New York City and the Bay in his mind". She laughed. "As you can imagine, Newport Beach was a bit of a culture shock…The lure of a nice mansion wore off pretty quickly".
Even with her body wracked by nerves at the conversation and the last few days, Anna genuinely smiled.
"It is hard to imagine, he seems so at peace".
"He can be…Again, when he is living up to his own expectations. But it has taken a lot of conversations…Every week, every month. Supporting one another, venting frustrations, little adjustments. About anything and everything, not just living here". A gentle, peaceful smile crossed her face. "That is true love, love that might stand a chance of lasting…"
Kirsten paused, realising she might have misspoken.
"But it helped that I was from here. Your parents…And you. You don't have that. It can be very isolating to move 3,000 miles. Without friends and relatives, a family can become very vulnerable".
Seeing a flash of fear cross Anna's face, Kirsten caught herself.
"I'm sorry, we don't need to talk about th-"
"No no", Anna said, still holding the knife from where she had been chopping. "It is okay. You are right…" Anna took a deep breath, looking around to make sure Seth was still not around.
Tell her…Tell somebody.
"Mrs Cohen…Kirsten. I think my mom is having an affair", Anna said, trying to keep her voice even, level and mature as she spoke.
Deafened by the ensuing silence, Anna wondered if she had overstepped a boundary. She felt Kirsten shift uncomfortably.
"Ahh. In that case…I think Dinner can wait. Let's sit down. Can I get you some tea? We've still got the tea leaves Cameron brought back from…Was it Shizuoka? My knowledge of Japan is just terrible".
"You are right, Shizuoka…", Anna said quietly, looking up at the equally concerned and kind face of Kirsten Cohen as she finished her flurry of words. "Yes…I'm sorry…That would be nice".
"You have nothing to apologise for, sweetie". Kirsten said, untying her apron. "It's okay. Please, come with me".
"So", Kirsten said, placing both cups on the table in the TV room, Anna had made herself as comfortable as she could on the large couch. "The obvious question first, I suppose…What makes you think your mother is having an affair?" Anna could tell Kirsten had used the time it had taken to make the tea to formulate some questions.
Kirsten's tone had stiffened slightly.
"I could be wrong…Maybe I'm just being paranoid?" Anna said, each word sticking in her mouth.
The horrendous, half-formed scene of Seth and Summer, together in bed the day after they had broken up coursed through Anna's head once more.
"It is just", she paused. "We were supposed to spend the evenings together after work and school this week…Except one night. So Dad could train, and I could come over here…" Anna said, smiling slightly at Kirsten from over her tea cup. "Then Dad got this call on the weekend. Tokyo, Monday morning, big clients…" Anna shrugged. "That's fine, I guess. But then mom just cancelled everything. Said that I probably wanted to be with Ryan, that she had some work to catch up on in the evenings…" Kirsten inclined her head.
"Is that not possible?"
"Possible, sure". Anna said, after a moment. "But it is the same thing she said last time Dad was away…And, well. She doesn't look at me. It sounds silly, right? But she doesn't. We just pass each other like ghosts in that stupid McMansion".
Surprising herself with the venom with which she said those last three words, Anna took a sip of her tea. A familiar flavour that offered little comfort.
"It can be hard to look at someone you care about", Kirsten said, her voice slightly pained. "If you feel like you are letting them down. Maybe she has something else on her mind".
When Anna didn't respond, Kirsten gently placed her hand on Anna's arm.
"We can stop, if you want".
"There were flowers in her car yesterday", speaking almost reflexively as soon as Kirsten had finished. "Roses…"
"Maybe for your dad?" Kirsten asked, hopefully.
"Who isn't back for more than a week?" Anna said, her eyes glistening.
Kirsten didn't respond.
As she lowered her head, Anna saw a tear fall from her cheek. Just missing her tea, it landed on her jeans.
"I'm sorry", Anna said, looking for any trace of where the tear had landed. "You have so much going on. The last thing you need is me crying…"
"Young lady…" Kirsten replied, gathering her thoughts. "You can't take responsibility for everyone in one breath and then say that…Have you talked to Ryan about this?"
"No…No, I wasn't sure until last night…I didn't want to bother him. He is really happy, and he is excited for Saturday. I didn't want to ruin that…I don't want to be another person he has to save".
As Anna finished her sentence, she watched Kirsten's expression shift into a sad smile.
"Ahh…I mean I can understand that, I did marry the Bay area's largest saviour complex", Through a slight sheen of tears, Anna laughed. "I can fully understand you don't want to be damsel number whatever…You are worried that if you tell him, any number of things will happen. It will remind him of last year, he'll stop seeing you as independent, it will trigger some sort of hero mode in him".
Raising her head, Anna tried to clear the tears from her eyes.
"You weren't kidding when you said you understood", she said, exhaling.
"With age comes wisdom, dear. Nothing is as new as we think it is. Least of all love". Kirsten smiled, taking a sip of tea to soothe her voice. "I'm really just describing how I felt twenty years ago. When I had to really lean on Sandy for the first time".
Gently, Anna lowered the cup to the coffee table.
"And what did you do?" she asked.
"I trusted him, and then myself…Eventually. You two are equals and feeling weak doesn't change that…If you stay together, one day life is going to come at you hard. He will be low, you will be low". Kirsten wrapped her fingers across the cup. "But if you are willing to understand and respect and trust each other, truly. That isn't someone who needs saving. That is just love".
Unsure what to do with her hands or herself, Anna picked up the cup once again.
"I really don't know what to say…Thank you…Mrs Cohe-".
"Just that you'll consider telling him. My son is tough, and he cares about you. A lot".
As she finished talking, Anna nodded.
"I will…It might take me a few days…To work out what I'll say. But I will. Thank you".
Silence fell between them, comfortable, subdued, slightly exhausted.
"Would you like me to reach out to her?" Kirsten said, after a long sip from her tea cup.
"My mom? Oh god. No, please. Don't tell her what I said", Anna said with panic at the edge of her voice.
"Certainly not…I'd go as a friend. We could go to a bar while Cameron is out of town. Maybe she needs a peer". Kirsten tilted her head. "I could also ask Sandy to give Cameron a call".
"I wouldn't want to impose on you both…"
"Not at all…You might have noticed Sandy loves Cameron…Not being a Newpsie definitely helped. After our first meal it was all 'Did you know Cameron has been up Mount Fuji?' and 'Cameron loves Stallone films as well!'..."
Convinced by her own anecdote, Kirsten nodded.
"When he is back, I'll ask. Maybe they can go out on Jimmy's boat again". The thought of her and Marissa's fathers hanging out felt very strange to Anna. "They can go golfing or play the Gamesbox…".
"Ahh, the PlayStation" Anna said, gesturing down to the console
"Exactly, that thing" Kirsten said, shaking her head as she smiled.
"We can go back to the kitchen, if you want that is", Anna said, hurriedly adding the latter part.
"I don't mind dear, I'm happy marvelling at how quiet this room is without any boys in it. Maybe we should move the PlayStation somewhere else", Kirsten said through a wry smile.
"They would definitely migrate after it…" Anna agreed, still a little red eyed and red faced.
"Worth remembering…" Kirsten mused, as Anna took both cups from the table.
"You don't have to talk to my mom, if you don't want to", Anna said as they walked through to the kitchen, before adding. "I mean I'd understand if you didn't".
"Nonsense, she was good company. Her continued mystification at the existence of Julie Cooper was quite vindicating, really". Anna failed to stifle the laugh that rose within her.
"Well, thank you…For everything. Again", Anna said, smiling nervously.
"Anytime, the door is always open. And Sandy, we are happy to help. No matter how things are with the guys". Kirsten returned the smile as they both breathed out. "Now, let's get this sorted, otherwise Seth will try to order takeout again".