"I'm sorry, did time stop while I was out there?" Seth said, walking back into the kitchen. "Why aren't my nostrils full of delicious smells, do I need to order Chinese?" He gestured to the phone, somehow already in his hand and ready to call.
"We just got a little waylaid dear", Kirsten said, turning to face him. "But great timing, I was in need of a big strong man. As Anna is becoming a regular fixture, I thought we could get another one of the nice chairs out of the garage, the guest one is getting a little rickety".
"Mom, please never call me that again", Seth replied, breezing through the request.
"See, I just can't win", Kirsten smirked, turning to Anna. "Could you go with him, Anna? I'm sure I can hold the fort here".
Simultaneously, Seth and Anna looked at each other. Anna couldn't parse his expression. Was he concerned about being alone with her, or his mother being alone in the kitchen?
"Sure Mom…" Seth said, not entirely convinced.
"You did tell me that you got trapped in the garage once", Anna said, taking a quick breath.
You can do this, she thought.
"Why do you even remember that…" Seth said, his gaze turning back from Kirsten to Anna.
"I'm a good listener?" she proffered, trying to sound innocent.
I tried to remember everything you told me, her mind corrected.
"Fine, sure. If a stray sunlounger mauls me, you run for help alright?", Seth said, already strolling back to the door.
Circling around the house, Anna couldn't help but steal a glance at the pool house. Their safe space, their sanctuary. Soon it would be the weekend, soon she'd be back there with Ryan. Soon it would be okay.
"How are you finding Lord of the Rings then?" Seth asked, trying his best not to sound interested.
"It is great, surprisingly different from the films! I still love Sam though, he is just so cute".
"Uh huh…The Hobbits seem to have cracked an ideal society", he said, rounding the corner. "Smoking pipes, drinking beers, partying".
"Little holes in the ground with a porch for when it rains", Anna agreed, glad he wasn't looking back at her nervous smile.
"All part of a rich tapestry, I'm sure", he said, fishing out his keys from his pocket.
"Are you reading anything good…At the moment?" Anna asked, pausing when Seth failed to hold the garden door open for her.
"Not much…Blood Meridian. Cormac McCarthy. Everything Is Illuminated by this new guy, Jonathan Safran Foer".
"Light bedtime reading…" Anna said, taken aback by the force with which he said the names.
"I couldn't think of better company…" Seth said, playing with the keys as a cat plays with a mouse.
"So what did you two read in the hospital anyway?" Seth asked as they walked away from the house. "Feel like I missed a chunk…What with all the sailing away".
"Umm, yeah…Well, first we read Slaughterhouse 5. Ryan told me you recommended it to him, actually".
She waited for Seth's reaction. It never came.
"...Then after we finished that, we moved onto The Gambler…" Anna trailed off, weary of the wry smile that was forming across Seth's face.
"Wow, Vonnegut into Dostoevsky", he said, eventually. "Trying a little hard there to hollow out a niche as 'the profound girl' in his life there, Anna…Did the need to distinguish yourself from Theresa and Marissa make things get a little ''My Fair Lady' while I was away?"
Feeling her blood run cold, Anna let anxiety give way to anger.
"Why are you like this?", she said, stopping where she stood.
"I'm sorry". Seth said without an ounce of remorse in his voice, swivelling around on the ball of his foot to face her. "Like what?"
"This cruel, vindictive, horrible…Jerk". Taking a deep breath, she waited for his response.
Almost comically, he waited for a moment.
"I'm not hearing no…" he said, with a near imperceptible smirk.
"Okay. No!" she said, an exasperated gasp following the words. "Despite what you think, I'm not like you Seth. I don't recommend Watchman, On The Road and The Dark Knight Returns to Summer in the hope she will like me more for my deep, eternal soul".
"Finally!" Seth snapped back, as if a trap had been sprung. "I knew you weren't over that!"
"Seth!" Anna said.
You want to get a rise out of me? Okay…Here it is.
"You just don't get it, do you? I have never tried to deny that it hurt me…That it still hurts to think about you giving Summer comic book 101 while ignoring me…Y'know, just like you did for most of our relationship".
"Surely you can't deny that it seems like I'm the common thread here, Anna?" Seth said, not missing a beat. Anna sensed that this part was pre-scripted in his head. "My favourite book, my brother, my ex-girlfriend" Seth said, one hand gripping the outer wall of the garage.
After shaking her head in disbelief, she locked eyes with him.
"You gave me that copy of Slaughterhouse Five, Seth! In one of your stupid brainwash bundles…That I stupidly accepted in the hope you'd like me, do you even remember that?" Anna paused, rubbing her eyes. She wasn't going to cry. "Because I do…"
Finally Seth didn't respond, though Anna saw his mind racing quickly, searching for the 'right' answer.
"Ryan wanted to read it", she continued, her voice came through cracked, quiet and hurt. "Because he knew how much the book meant to you. He wanted to feel closer to his brother". Anna let the last word hang in the air for a moment as Seth looked on. "And I'm glad he did, not just because it made him feel closer to you. But because he learned something about himself, about life, about trauma…And it took his mind off of Sandy and Kirsten as they searched for you". She took a breath in, looking around to make sure no-one was near.
"I-" Seth said in the moment of pause. Her words to him when he had come back to Newport Beach rang out loudly in his mind.
"You left when he needed you most! Instead of comforting him, forgiving him, you sailed away".
"No Seth, listen to me. Please". She said, "After we finished, we talked about the book for a long time. He asked me what I knew about Kurt Vonnegut. I said I knew he loved the Brothers Karamazov. He asked if we could read that…Then we found out it was over 800 pages". A nervous smile broke across Anna's face at the thought of the moment. "So I read out the synopsis for The Gambler. He said it reminded me of his parents. That it sounded hard on the soul, but that he wanted to try. I said maybe we shouldn't, but he insisted. He picked it Seth, not me".
Anna realised she was clenching her fist, she loosened it.
"I know we upset you…I know I upset you. I'm sorry we kept it a secret…and I'm so happy you are back, I really am…" Anna let her smile break through.
Pausing to breathe, Anna lent against the wall in exhaustion. Wordlessly, Seth shifted to do the same. A metre apart, their breath now audible, they silently looked out towards the ocean.
"But that doesn't mean I've forgotten anything you said when you found out about us", Anna said quietly, after a few heartbeats had passed. "And it still hurts, Seth. I didn't 'go after' Ryan to get back at you. I can't believe you thought that, let alone shouted it at me".
Anna let the sentence hang in the air for a second. The thought had churned in her mind all summer. "I thought you loved me, but it turns out you didn't even trust me…" Feeling her voice cracking, Anna took yet another gulp of ocean air.
Why do I have to be the angel here? Why do I have to forgive you…While you get to hate me?
"Like a lot of things…I admit I could have handled it better…" Seth croaked out, his gaze never wavering from the vast Pacific.
"You and me both…I really tried to make you like me…" Anna said sadly, pausing. Seth didn't turn his head. "...And you made it clear you didn't want me".
A sad smile crested her face like a wave.
"And that's fine. I accepted it and I moved on…But then, you didn't want that either?. She caught herself nearly bringing up Summer. Realising her eyes had become heavy, she blinked twice. "Did you just want me to follow you around, puppy-eyed? Feeding off scraps of affection when you decide to focus on me instead of Summer?"
Slowly, she turned her head towards Seth. He did not reciprocate. His focus remained firmly fixed on the horizon he had sailed into a few months ago.
"No", Seth said finally, almost forcing the words out of his chest.
Anna nodded, a gesture more for her own benefit than his.
"I felt so hollow by February…Once you were with Summer. I felt like a ghost. Finished in this world. Unable to move onto the next…I let you define my worth…If I wasn't good enough for you, then what good was I?" Anna slowly closed her eyes. She had wanted to tell him this for so long.
"But Ryan found me, floating there. And then conversation by conversation…Day by day. Walking along the beach, going to the arcade, studying together…He made me feel like enough, more than enough…He made me feel proud to be myself again. Just by being a friend". A small, warm smile crested this time, memories that felt so long ago.
Coffee by the pier, studying for the end of year exams, the first time he had invited her to the Cohen's house.
"And I realised you never did that, not once. 'Be more like me'…'be less like me'...'be more like Summer…'" Despite her best efforts, pain pervaded her voice.
As he closed his eyes, Anna tensed. Nervous Seth was about to explode, she stopped. But five seconds passed, ten. Fifteen. Nothing.
"You can keep going", he said finally, his voice croaky.
"Okay", Anna said cautiously as she tried to steady her hand. "You made your choice, Seth. We made ours. We tried to fight it…I really tried to fight it. I nearly left this hellmouth instead of facing how I felt…Partially because I didn't want to hurt you" she stopped, her voice was hoarse.
Seth didn't attempt to fill the silence. Anna thought he would elect to remain silent again, until she felt him shift. His mouth hung open for a moment before he spoke.
"You were never…Not enough. I hope you know tha-". He swallowed hard, his voice had become too croaky to continue. "I mean I'm sorry I didn't let you know that. I really, really should have. I made a lot of mistakes…These last 12 months…And a big one…Was making you feel like that. And being too weak, and self-centred to stop you from feeling that way…Too weak to stop you from leaving". He took a deep breath, looking back out at the tranquil ocean. "But I'm glad someone else did".
"Thank you Seth…I…I didn't mean to chew your ear off…" Anna said, once she was sure he was calm. "I mean, maybe I did. A little bit".
"No yeah, that's fair…" Seth said with a slow nod, not meeting her gaze. His words came out slowly, deliberately. "As far as I can tell…The big difference is I left…And you didn't". His voice was lifeless and still.
"Seth, I don't want to come between you two. I care about you both…A lot. But I don't want you analysing everything I do. Your words hurt and…I'm not yours".
Silence once again. She watched Seth's facial features tighten slightly, his lips drew into his mouth, his shoulders sagged against the side of the garage. Finally, as if to complete the series of movements, his eyes closed.
Not knowing where to look, Anna looked to the floor.
"And I'm not trying to My Fair Lady him, I don't want to change him. I…like him the way he is, so much". Tears started to form in her eyes, remembering him in that hospital bed. She didn't want to cry in front of Seth. Kirsten was fine, but not Seth, not now. Please.
"Yeah", He said quietly, sighing. "I know you do…I'm sorry".
A moment passed between them, Anna felt her temper cool slightly.
"Did it work then? Reading The Gambler to each other?" Seth said after a minute, leaning against the garage.
"I think so…" Anna said, taking a moment to rub her eyes. "I think it helped him understand his parents…"
Seth nodded slowly, raising his head to meet Anna's gaze. Her eyes had reddened, while Seth's remained cold and shimmering. Slowly, near imperceptibly, the ice thawed as Seth ran his hand along the garage door.
"Can I make a joke?" he asked.
"Only if it is literally the best joke anyone has ever told", Anna said, suppressing a smile, but glad to have the tension relieved.
"Wasn't Dostoevsky a tiny bit anti-semitic? Not trying to radicalise my bro are you…Newport is already a dangerous Republican breeding ground y'know", Seth said, unable to contain his smirk.
"Please", Anna said, reflexively rolling her eyes. "You worship the ground Kerouac walked on, you read Nietzsche!" Knowing he was beat, Seth leaned back onto the garage with a small huff.
"Okay, art and the artist. Whatever. But if I see Ryan organising a pogrom, I know who to blame…" Seth gave a small but surprisingly warm smile.
"You are the absolute worst, Cohen", she said, the sick feeling in her stomach partially subsiding.
"Come on, worse than Julie Cooper?" Seth asked, laughing slightly as he finally pushed off the garage. "I've got to be like, fifth worst, tops".
Swinging around the corner of the building and nearly colliding with the door, Seth finally slotted the garage key in. Struggling to open the door and cursing, Anna had time to consider Seth's earlier question. Once the door slid open and up, she spoke.
"Sometimes he'd read a line, stop, and go, 'That sounds a lot like my dad'". She watched a flash of discomfort spread across Seth's facial expression. Pain at Ryan's life before Newport Beach.
"I can see why that would speak to him", Seth said quietly, still holding the bottom of the door now parallel with his face.
"Yeah, it really did. I guess sometimes we need someone else to give us the right words. When we hear them, they ring true, right? It doesn't matter if it is a friend or a long dead Russian genius".
As Anna's words soaked into the garage walls, Seth wordlessly picked up the chair before hauling it into the evening sun.
Once he was clear, Anna jumped slightly, just able to pull the door down and lock it.
Walking back into the pool area, Seth finally spoke.
"I'm grateful you didn't lock me in there", Seth said.
"I didn't even consider it…" Anna replied.
"You are a better person than me…I know this is all going to take some time", he said, gesturing to the pool house.. "But I guess I'll start by saying sorry, again, for like the eighth…Maybe ninth time". He paused, considering his words. "I know it sounds mad, but I never meant to hurt you. Either of you".
Anna nodded, looking up at him.
"I didn't mean to either, I'm sorry…Me and Ryan. We really didn't think there would be an us…It just sort of happened", she said. Seth nodded slowly, before looking back out to the ocean, now from the poolside.
"You aren't going to believe me, but there are moments…Perhaps when I'm feeling good, or selfless or something, I don't really know…But there are moments where I'm glad it happened. I didn't see it coming but you look really happy together…And more than that, I'm really glad you are both still here…". Anna didn't doubt he meant it, despite the hypocrisy and convenient altruism.
"Thank you, Seth", came her soft and simple reply, longing for peace.
A few moments later, they entered the house. Quiet from the exertion, Seth placed the chair in the sun room, taking it no further than he had to. Anna could hear Kirsten talking, presumably on the phone, in the kitchen.
"While we are being all nice, don't suppose you can give me a lift to The Bait Shop on Saturday evening? Around like nine thirty, ten? Me, Marissa and Alex are going to hang out and neither of them can pick me up". Seth asked, leaning on the back of the sofa.
"Ahh, I don't think I can. I've got plans that evening…" Anna replied.
"You and everyone else. Mom, Dad, Ryan, Luke, Summer".
"I'm sorry…You asked Summer to take you to the Bait Shop to see Alex?" Anna asked, managing to keep disbelief out of her voice.
"...No. Of course not…As long as there are no follow-up questions", Seth replied, his eyes shifting to the door.
Before Anna could call Seth 'the worst' once again, Kirsten swooped into the room.
"Sandy is nearly back, Ryan shouldn't be too much longer…Seth could you set the table...Anna, any assistance is greatly appreciated".
The exes looked to one another as Kirsten dashed out of the room.
"And here I was about to challenge you to some ninja game…" Seth sighed.
"For the last time, they aren't ninjas!" Anna said
"They've got curved swords and cool powers Anna…Now I know your dad has been to Japan and all…But those are ninjas".
"The loading screen is a map of China!" Anna said to Seth as he stood up from the back of the sofa.
"They are in China doing secret ninja business. It is just next door, it is in the manual. I promise you", he said, already disappearing into the dining room.
"That's not true! It is based on a famous book!" Anna said, her words trailing him out the door.
"I can't hear you Pittsburgh, sorry!" He called from the next room.
Shaking her head, Anna took the moment to collapse into the sofa.
What else is this week going to throw at me? She thought, moments before Kirsten's panicked voice asked for help once more.