CHAPTER 18
"Fabray!"
The harsh shout, dripping with malice, echoed around the choir room the next morning, and Quinn didn't even need to look up to know who was addressing her. Quinn was the first person to arrive for Glee rehearsal that next morning, eager for a distraction from the bizarre events of the night before, but she was dragged right back down as Santana stormed in, clearly geared for confrontation.
"What's going on, Santana?" Quinn asked, almost tiredly, knowing exactly what was coming. Deep down, she knew she deserved it too. But that didn't mean she was looking forward to it.
"Don't play stupid with me! You know exactly what's going on!" Santana snapped. "I heard about last night!"
Quinn raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah? And what exactly did you hear?" Quinn asked. Santana scoffed.
"That you're clearly the same manipulative, self-centered bitch you were 2 years ago." The words rolled from Santana's lips with ease. She did not hesitate for even a second to defend Theo. It was almost second nature to her, despite not even knowing him for two months. Especially after hearing about all of the terrible shit he had been through, the caring side of Santana felt like it was her duty to protect him from the likes of Quinn, even if she would never admit it.
"Theo… Theo said that?" Quinn whispered, stunned by the insult that had been thrown at her, slightly disbelieving that it was even true. But given how abruptly things had ended the night before, it wasn't out of the realms of possibility. However, those thoughts quickly vanished as Santana shook her head.
"No, he didn't say that! Are you kidding me? That boy is so wrapped up in his own shit that he can't even see three feet ahead of him." Santana remarked. "Which is exactly why the likes of YOU should not be taking advantage of him!"
"What are you talking about, Santana?" Quinn muttered. Santana raised an eyebrow.
"Really? So inviting him to 'play boyfriend' with you at dinner was just a coincidence? There wasn't a small part of you hoping that he would play house with you and then start feeling the same feelings you are? Or better yet… he'd see the shit you went through and would fall for the whole 'woe is me' thing you had going on?"
"That is not what happened!" Quinn snapped. Santana scoffed.
"Is that right? Then let me ask you something… why him?" Santana asked. "There are plenty of people in this Glee club that your dad doesn't know. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of men and boys all over Lima that would kill for the chance to be Quinn Fabray's boyfriend for the night, even if it's just pretend. So why pick him of all people?"
Santana had Quinn there, and Quinn knew it. The blonde's head slumped downwards slightly in disappointment in herself, and it was only then that Santana softened considerably. After all, despite how close her and Theo had become in the very short amount of time they had known each other, Santana couldn't forget that Quinn was also someone she loved very much.
"So how did it go with your dad?" Santana asked her, changing the subject slightly. "I remember what went down between you too before. It must've been pretty rough to see him again after all that."
"It went… about as well as it could've gone, I guess." Quinn replied. "He was just himself. Offensive towards Theo. Insulting anything and everything about me that didn't adhere to the pretty little princess picture he had of me. Eventually it got to the point where it was so bad we just left."
"Wait… what? You just left? What does that mean? You just walked out?" Santana asked, shocked. Quinn nodded, smiling faintly at the memory.
"Yeah. Well, after Theo cursed him out a bunch, and really gave it to him for everything he did to me, and how crappy of a person he is. Theo then stormed out and I followed him. We didn't even look back. It was… it was awesome. I've never seen my dad like that before."
"That's awesome." Santana replied, unable to prevent herself from smiling with her friend. "So what happened then?"
Quinn's smile began to fade a little at the memory of the next part of her night.
"Well, Theo saw that I was still really upset and we both needed a distraction. So we went to the old amusement park and spent the evening there."
"So… a date." Santana remarked, smirking. Quinn shook her head.
"I don't think so. Especially after what happened next." Quinn murmured. As Santana cocked an eyebrow, gesturing for her to continue, Quinn sighed. "He walked me home at the end of the night. We stood on the front porch. We both leaned in. And then… he left. Just like that. Apologized and ran off."
Santana sat back in her chair, slight disappointment on her face at the story. So close. But her disappointment was nothing compared to Quinn's.
"I really don't know what to make of last night to be honest." Quinn murmured. Santana furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.
"What's so hard to understand? It's pretty clear to me." Santana commented. Quinn glared at her friend.
"Oh yeah? Please tell me, because I spent all of last night trying to wrap my mind around everything that happened and I haven't been able to work out why he did what he did." Quinn remarked. Santana sighed.
"Come on, Quinn. You know what happened to his wife." Santana reminded her. "And then to go on what was basically a date with a girl who's clearly into him… that can't have been easy for him."
"Then why'd he even agree to come with me yesterday? And why'd he suggest we go to the amusement park? That's what I want to know." Quinn complained. "If he didn't want to come with me at all, out of respect for his wife, why didn't he just tell me? Or reject me? Or something at least."
"Because he likes you, Quinn." Santana stated. "It's really obvious. That's literally the only reason he'd even have agreed to last night at all."
"Yeah? Well he has a funny way of showing it!" Quinn grumbled. Santana sighed.
"Come on, Quinn. Cut him some slack." Santana said, yet again defending Theo without realizing it.
"Trust me, I've been cutting him plenty of slack!" Quinn argued. "He's been stringing me along in this half-in, half-out thing for weeks! All I want is a straight answer!"
"And you deserve one." Santana nodded. "But it's not like he's doing any of this to be manipulative! The boy doesn't have a calculated bone in him. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. If you were Theo, and you had just lost your high school sweetheart, your wife, less than a year earlier, wouldn't you be a bit hesitant to move on with someone else, no matter how much you like them?"
"Theo WHAT?!"
A new, sudden voice caused both Quinn and Santana's heads to whip around towards the choir room door. In the heat of their argument, neither of them had noticed Mercedes, Kurt, Blaine and Tina walking into the room. Although they had missed most of Santana and Quinn's argument, they had heard the last statement, and they were stunned into shock, unable to speak for a few moments as their mouths gaped open and shut like goldfish.
Quinn and Santana looked at one another, their faces panicked, desperately trying to undo their mistake. But it was too late. If there was one thing about McKinley, and with the Glee club in particular, it was that drama and gossip spreaded like a wildfire. There was very little Quinn and Santana could do before, within 15 minutes, the entire Glee club knew the news.
Theo's secret was out. Or, one of them was anyway. One of the most private parts of his life had become public knowledge, and he had no idea yet. That was, until he entered the room, the last person to arrive at rehearsal, and he saw the looks on all of their faces. His flanched blanched as he saw them. He instantly knew. He could tell. Theo turned on his heel and walked out of the choir room before anyone could say another word.
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Getting some distance from the choir room, Theo found himself yet again sitting high up above the school in the bleachers, where he forced himself to remain calm. He could feel his heartbeat beginning to rise, the blood starting to pound between his ears. They knew! How could they possibly know?! Well, Theo certainly knew the how. Only 2 people in all of Lima knew his situation, so it was a 50/50 coin toss about who blabbed. The real question was why? Was it an accident? Was it out of vehemence or vindictiveness because of what happened the night before? No… Quinn wouldn't do that, would she? It had to be the former.
"Hey." A voice snapped Theo out of his thoughts, and he simply nodded in acknowledgement as Santana sat down beside him, not looking at her, merely staring out at the sunrise in the distance. "Look, I'm sorry. It was me. Not Quinn. She had nothing to do with it."
"Why?" Theo asked. It was a simple word, but it was something he NEEDED to know. The next question he asked himself was what he had done? Was this maliciously done? Santana looked at him, confused.
"What?" Santana asked. Theo sighed.
"Why did you tell everyone? Was it to piss me off? Get back at me for something I didn't even know I did?" He murmured. Santana very quickly shook her head.
"What?! No! Theo! No! It was all just an accident, I swear! Quinn and I were talking, and we didn't realize a few people from the Glee club had just walked in." Santana explained. Theo slowly nodded and looked down again, playing with his hands.
"Right. So you were gossiping about me." He muttered. Santana felt horrible for him, and it was all she could do to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, thankful that he didn't immediately shrug it away. She wouldn't have blamed him if he had.
"Theo… I'm so sorry." Santana told him. "I never wanted to hurt you. I would never do that."
"You would never hurt someone with their secrets?" Theo asked, a slight bit of disbelief in his tone as he looked at her, knowing full-well who he was speaking to. Santana shook her head.
"No. Not… not you. You're my… you're my best friend. I would never have hurt you on purpose." She stated. Theo chuckled quietly and nodded.
"Thanks. I know you wouldn't." He reassured her. "And for what it's worth, you're my best friend too. Sometimes it feels like you're my only friend around here. You're the only person who knows everything about me."
A long silence overtook them, before Santana spoke up.
"As your best friend, can I ask you something?" She asked. "Why don't you tell anyone about Marley?"
Theo shook his head, slightly confused and definitely taken back by the question, as he looked at her.
"Is it not obvious?" He asked.
"Not at all." Santana replied. "Are you ashamed of her or something?"
"What? No!" Theo exclaimed. "I have plenty to be ashamed about, but Marley's existence certainly isn't one of them."
"So why didn't you tell anyone? Not even the Glee kids?" She asked. Theo sighed.
"Because I was afraid, okay?" He murmured. "I was afraid of how they reacted. I know how everyone else reacted when they heard about what happened. I'm a murderer, and they weren't afraid to treat me like one. Like I was a rabid animal that deserved no mercy, someone who deserved to be put down like a dog."
"The Glee club would never think that. Not even for a second." Santana responded confidently. Theo nodded, his face darkening slightly.
"You're right. Their reaction was even worse. That's why I stormed out of the choir room." He stated. "They were looking at me with pity. Like I'm some kind of charity case. I don't need it. I don't deserve it. And I really wasn't in the mood to hear it. And the worst part… it's so hard for that pity to go away because now that everyone knows, they can't ever forget about it, you know? It was better to just have nobody know."
Santana sighed. She knew that he was right. Nobody could forget what they had discovered about Theo that day. But that didn't mean that she agreed with him.
"Who says that everyone's going to treat you with kid gloves? I don't. I'm not afraid to tell you when I think you're being an idiot, and I think you're being one right now." Santana commented. "I can understand you not wanting to tell the whole school, but I can't see why the Glee club knowing can be anything but good. They know, all of us know that you're an inherently good person. Them knowing about this just means they know more about you, which isn't a bad thing at all. It's good."
Theo remained silent for a long while after Santana was finished speaking, stewing upon what she had said, before eventually he stood up.
"Could you cover for me with Glee rehearsal please? I'm going to go for a walk. Clear my head." He told her. Santana nodded.
"Yeah, sure." She replied, and Theo began to walk away from her. However, before he left, he turned back to her.
"Oh, and Santana? Thank you. " He said, before turning on his heel and walking away from her.
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Despite the buildup of emotion inside him as his mind came up to speed with everything that was going on, shockingly, he didn't let emotion take control of him. Whether it was the shock of everyone finding out, or otherwise he didn't feel nearly as out of control as he thought he would. He was nervous, terrified about how he would be treated now with this new knowledge, but strangely… tranquil. It was almost like a feeling of "what's done is done" had rushed over him, and the only thing he could think about was what was going to come next. He felt… lighter. Yet again, opening up about himself had lightened the burden he held on his shoulders, even if it hadn't been by his own volition.
That said, it was only the morning after that Theo returned to Glee rehearsal. He couldn't bring himself to go that afternoon, his body and mind without the energy to deal with what was inevitably to come. Not only that, but having an extra night to stop and think allowed him to pick the words he wanted to say very, very carefully. Any anger or resentment or regret he had about the information being made public was gone now, as Theo stood in front of the Glee club the next morning.
As the New Directions watched him walk to the front of the room, they sat anxiously, awaiting whatever he had to say. Everyone was terrified about how he was going to react. Even Santana did not know where his mind was after the previous day. He had the right to be furious at them, and they wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to quit the Glee club after all of this, even though they had loved having him. However, quitting wasn't even remotely in Theo's mind. It wasn't a word in his vocabulary. He was fiercely loyal to anyone and everyone he cared about, so he wasn't going to walk away. Not for anything. But he still had a few things to say first.
"Look, the last thing I want is to make this a big scene. All I want is for us to go back to rehearsal as normal, so I'm going to keep this as quick as possible. I have a few things to say, and in the meantime, please none of you speak until I'm done talking."
Theo stood at the front of the room, eyeing all of the New Directions, who were all staring at him. Nobody dared speak, none of them really knowing what to say. Theo nodded.
"Okay, good. First thing's first… I don't know how many of you know. Quite frankly, I don't care. The secret's out now anyway, whether 3 of you know, 5 of you know, or all 12 of you know. But this information does not leave this room, okay? I'm not angry at any of you right now for finding out, but if this information spreads any further than this club, I will be. And trust me, none of you want to be around to see that. Understood?"
The New Directions could only nod, all of them clearly bursting with questions but none of them with the courage to speak up and ask them. It was Theo who had to speak again, his voice softening considerably after what he had dished out a few seconds earlier.
"The second thing… I wanted to apologize. We're supposed to be a team. We're supposed to be a family. And yet I was keeping secrets, important secrets, about me from this family. The reason I told Santana and Quinn about it was because I felt like they deserved to know at the time. I was wrong. All of you deserved to know. I should've told you all sooner, and that's completely on me. I'm sorry."
The New Directions all mumbled words that sounded a lot like "no worries" and "don't worry about it." Theo hadn't told any of them exactly how Marley had died, and nor did he plan to. Not yet anyways. This was enough for now.
"The last thing I want to say… this is Marley. I keep this picture of her with me at all times. It's kind of my lucky charm." Theo said, taking out a small picture from his backpack and handing it to the closest member of the New Directions to him, who proceeded to look at the photo and pass it around the room. "I want you all to know that the reason I never told you about her wasn't because I was ashamed of her in any way. She was the love of my life: I loved her more than anyone and anything in this world; I had absolutely no reason to be ashamed of her. That's another reason why I felt so guilty about keeping this from you. But the reason I did was because I was scared. I was terrified of how you'd all look at me if you knew."
"She was beautiful." Rachel murmured as she looked at the small photo. Theo sighed and nodded, smiling faintly.
"She was." Theo agreed. "She was so much more than I ever deserved, in every single way. And she saved my life, more times than once. I was broken when she passed away. I still am. But… the fact stands that she's gone. She's never coming back. And no amount of hiding the truth about her is going to change that."
It was the blunt truth, the bitterest of pills, that Theo had had to swallow. And it was only now that the secret had been revealed that Theo was starting to realize that. Santana had opened his eyes to that fact.
"That's all I have to say." Theo murmured, trailing off into silence. "Again, I am truly, truly sorry for keeping this a secret from you. Now, let's get on with the lesson."
Theo moved to sit back in his seat, but Mr. Schue held him back.
"Not quite yet, Theo." Mr. Schue told him, smiling at him warmly and reassuringly. "After the Glee club found out about this yesterday, we wanted to do something. To express our reaction in some way. And we figured, what better way to that than what we do best: sing. So we prepared a song for you."
As Theo sat back in his seat, the New Directions all stood up and walked to the front of the room, before turning to face him. They then began to sing to Theo, not in a loud, performative way, but instead gently and in a way that pierced directly into Theo's soul. It was their way of recognizing Theo's past, recognizing Marley, recognizing their love, and accepting Theo into their family, no matter what. Santana was the first to start singing:
There goes my heart beating
'Cause you are the reason
I'm losing my sleep
Please come back now
And there goes my mind racing
And you are the reason
That I'm still breathing
I'm hopeless now
I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
Oh, 'cause I need you to see
That you are the reason
There goes my hands shaking
And you are the reason
My heart keeps bleeding
I need you now
And if I could turn back the clock
I'd make sure the light defeated the dark
I'd spend every hour, of every day
Keeping you safe
And I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
Oh, 'cause I need you to see
That you are the reason
I don't wanna fight no more
I don't wanna hide no more
I don't wanna cry no more
Come back I need you to hold me (you are the reason)
Be a little closer now
Just a little closer now
Come a little closer
I need you to hold me tonight
I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
'Cause I need you to see
That you are the reason
The song is You are the Reason by Calum Scott