Disintegration
Author's Note: This was written for the Obikin 2023 bingo. :)
It's a ROTS AU where Obi-Wan Falls instead of Anakin.
~ Amina Gila
Everything was going... normal. Until it wasn't. Anakin doesn't know why he didn't know that would change – of course, it will. That's always how it happens with the 501st. What he doesn't understand is the strange warning rippling through the Force, the way everything is tensed with danger. Never, not once, has Anakin felt anything of that nature before. He doesn't know what it means, what it could mean.
Beside him, Ahsoka stumbles, snow crunching beneath her boots. "Do you feel that?" she asks finally, pressing the back of her hand to her forehead.
Anakin glances at her, at the padawan he's raised throughout the war. She's nearly an adult now, nearly fully grown, but he'll never see her as anything other than what she was when they first met – the kind, reckless little girl that understood so little of the horrors of the galaxy. He only wishes he could've kept her that way. "I feel it, too," Anakin echoes, sighing. He doesn't know what it is. Kaller is cold, yes, but what he feels is something unphysical, from the Force itself.
"What's happening?" she asks. Still turning to him, even now, as if he has all the answers. Some things never change.
"I don't know."
But something behind them feels cold, feels wrong, and Anakin turns around to where Rex and the others are. Freezing up mid-battle is a bad idea, but now... now, something more important is calling. Rex is talking to a hologram of someone. Is that... it can't be. That's not possible.
Is that Dooku?!
"Rex?" Ahsoka calls, warily, stepping back.
The clone's head turns towards him, though something about his presence suddenly feels... distant. Clouded.
"... Rex?" Anakin echoes. Something is happening. Something is terribly wrong.
All the clones suddenly raise their blasters, pointing at them. What? "Rex?" Anakin asks again, warily.
His hands are shaking, tightened around the blaster hilts. "I'm sorry, sir," he says, almost in a monotone, "But you and Commander Tano are under arrest in the name of the Republic."
**w**
Anakin still feels numb with shock, as he makes his way through the Temple halls alongside Master Yoda. He left Ahsoka with Bail – telling her that they might need backup or a quick escape, but really, he didn't want her anywhere near this.
The Separatists attacking Coruscant, winning the war and wiping out the Jedi wouldn't be so mind-numbing if not for how the clones turned against them. Anakin still remembers what Fives said about the chips so long ago, and no one had paid it much attention. But somehow, Dooku knew about it.
And now, he has control of the Senate, and with all the rest of the Jedi dead, gone,stopping him will be nearly impossible. Anakin has no idea who survived or not. And Obi-Wan... What happened to him? Where is he?
If was anything... bad, he would've felt it – he won't let his mind wander past that point, especially because he needs to focus right now – but still, he can't shake the feeling that something happened to him. Then again, of course,something did. The entire Order was lost. Obi-Wan couldn't be taking that well either, wherever he is.
"If into the security recordings you go, only pain will you find," Yoda cautions, as Anakin opens them.
"Something of this... does not make sense, Master," Anakin objects. He doubts Dooku came here personally, and they found Grievous' body while moving through the halls. But based on the battle and bodies, it seems another lightsaber wielder was here.
He finds the hologram of Grievous' death first. It's honestly fitting that he literally fell to a group of much too clever younglings – one of them had blown something up nearby him, temporarily stunning him, and another beheaded him way, way too gleefully.
Anakin moves past that recording, but promptly freezes on one of... a very familiar figure fighting off several Knights. He freezes, blood running cold as he watches them fighting Obi-Wan.
Except –
It takes him a moment to realize that it's not them fighting him. Yes, they're trying to kill him, but it's because... he's attacking them?
His eyes are burning yellow, and a group of clones and droids move in, shooting down the Knights. It's not until they let Obi-Wan just walk away, and he stalks down the hall with the look of someone out for the kill that it slowly starts to sink in what's actually happening here.
Obi-Wan Fell.
But that's not even possible. It's just not. Obi-Wan wouldn't do that. He wouldn't. Maybe something else is happening, or – or – Anakin has no idea what, but he can't accept this could be real.
"Destroy the Sith, we must," Master Yoda interjects, breaking through his spiraling thoughts.
Except – except now, that includes Obi-Wan, and Anakin can't – can't let that happen. None of this makes any sense. "How – how could he Fall?" protests Anakin, shakily, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears. It makes no sense.
"No longer the person you knew, he is," Yoda replies, "Twisted by the Dark Side, he has become."
But it doesn't make any sense, because this is Obi-Wan and of course, Anakin knew he could be violent sometimes, but it was just... normal for him. That doesn't mean he could be a Sith. But apparently, he somehow is, and – he helped destroy the entire Jedi Order. It's too mind-numbing to – to anything, really. "Handle Dooku, I will," Yoda decides, "Find Obi-Wan, you must."
Anakin's blood turns colder, if that were even possible. He feels almost not present, and too numb with horror to feel anything else. "I – I can't." He can't kill Obi-Wan. It's – it's completely unthinkable, is what it is. But he – if he's a Sith, that's what Anakin's duty would say. It's what the Obi-Wan that Anakin knew taught him. It's what the Grandmaster of the Order – the last living member of the Order, for all Anakin knows – is giving him a direct order to do. But –
"You must," Yoda insists, "Understand your feelings, I do," Yoda says, ears drooping, "My padawan, Dooku once was. But he and Obi-Wan, no longer are they who we knew."
Maybe Anakin should go after Dooku, or – but that would mean asking Yoda to go kill Obi-Wan and that's no better. Maybe half of him just wants to go to find Obi-Wan so his master can tell him this is nothing but a nightmare, tell him he's being stupid for even imagining that he might've Fallen and turned on the Jedi. Anakin has to see Obi-Wan again himself.
Somehow.
**w**
The image from the hologram replays on repeat through Anakin's mind, as he sits in the fighter, on the way to Mustafar. He was able to track a transmission between Obi-Wan and Dooku, of the Count telling him to go deal with Maul there.
The Dark Side floods him as he flies for the surface of the planet. The rivers of lava crossing nearly the entire surface is somehow appropriate.
It doesn't actually start to feel real until Anakin lands and feels Obi-Wan's presence for the first time. He's here, and he feels... dark in a way Anakin's never felt before. Not even the iciness he does when he's angry; it's just dark and wrong, and –
He's not ready for this. He never will be. How could Obi-Wan have done this? How could he be this? It doesn't make sense.
Any more than that Anakin's supposed to be here on a mission to kill him. He doesn't know if he can do that. More, he's terrified by how much he... needs to. And no, Anakin does not want to hurt him, but Yoda is right. This isn't the person who raised Anakin. It couldn't have been.
Obi-Wan is standing on the landing platform when Anakin climbs from his fighter. His eyes are yellow, and okay, maybe he is angry right now, though at what, Anakin doesn't know. The Dark Side swirls violently and barely controlled around him. "Anakin."
With how hard his head – and heart – are pounding, he can hardly interpret the tone right now. None of this makes sense. "What did you do, Master?" Anakin demands, barely able to keep his voice even.
He doesn't know how he could be looking at the same Obi-Wan, who was always so loyal to the Code.
"What I had to," he replies, eyes narrowed. He's expecting something. Maybe he's rightly assumed what Anakin was sent here to do. "You were not supposed to find out like this."
A sudden rush of anger hits him then; maybe it's just that the knowledge that this is real is finally starting to sink in. "Either way, this is how it is happening," Anakin shoots back.
"Dooku told Rex to bring you back."
"Alive?" he asks. Why does Obi-Wan sound like he somehow thinks that makes any of this better? "That doesn't change what you did to them. What did you do to them? Because I know none of them were obeying of their own accord." Anakin remembers what Fives had told him – it hadn't been much, but he'd found the inhibitor chips are capable of something far worse than one anyone thought. But no one had been able to find out more, and the Council demanded the case dropped, even if Palpatine expressed his wariness about it to Anakin afterwards. Fives wasn't happy either, but with the war, they did have more important concerns.
And Palpatine.
Anakin has no idea where he is. He just... disappeared, it seems – vanished, amidst the chaos. He, likely, is in hiding. That, at least, is one hope for the galaxy. What it means for the other politicians Anakin knows – Padme, Riyo, Lux, and Bail Organa – he has no idea, but if they speak out, they'll definitely be in danger. And all of them, Anakin knows, will fight with anything to end this. Padme will propose an initially peaceful response. Riyo will side with her. But Lux? The boy has known nothing but violence and death. He, most of all, is in danger.
"I did nothing to them," Obi-Wan replies much too dismissively. "I had no control over what Dooku did. I merely sided with him to bring peace to the galaxy."
"Peace?" Anakin repeats. He could laugh, if he didn't want to cry so much – it's positively ludicrous is what it is. "You started by destroying the galaxy's only hope at peace."
"The Jedi destroyed what they were meant to be long ago. You were right, Anakin, that the galaxy needs strength that a Republic will never give it."
"This isn't the answer." If anyone else were the Emperor, Anakin thinks he might agree. But Dooku? Everyone knows what the Sith has done and caused the galaxy. They've seen it. Fought in it, tried to stop it, and so often came too late. So many of the 501st died because of Dooku. So many others, innocents, and people that Anakin knew. That in and of itself is enough for him to know that this is wrong.
"And what is?" Obi-Wan challenges sharply, "Allowing the galaxy to continue falling? You lived in the lowest part of the galaxy. You know what it needs."
He doesn't know what to say or do. He just feels... numb, somehow, aside from the strange amount of anger tearing him apart. Anakin has never felt anything like this before, and it scares him. The Force is too clouded and dark for him to breathe out and let go the way he once would've, and that this is a Dark Side planet certainly isn't helping. "I wanted to believe it wasn't true," Anakin says finally, "That you did this. But now, I know it is."
"And what will you do about that?" Obi-Wan asks. He's angry, and it's twisting around him in an icy storm of fury. It's terrifying to see. And it's so very wrong.
"You're a Sith," Anakin answers, hands clenching. He knows what this means, but he doesn't want to do it. Doesn't want to have to. It's so wrong.
"And?"
"I'm... a Jedi."
"You're loyal to an Order already fallen."
"It fell because you destroyed it!" Anakin yells back. He doesn't mean to – he just couldn't help it. Obi-Wan is acting so cold, so indifferent. If he were actually upset about it, or something, just – not this.
"It's been falling long before I was born!" Obi-Wan shouts back, "You are just too blind to see it."
It stings, really, because Obi-Wan is the one who always told him not to question the Council. And Anakin couldn't help it sometimes, but eventually, he accepted he couldn't change the world around him just because he wanted it to change, but that's not what his master is doing now. "I saw exactly what you wanted me to." Alright, that's not entirely true. It's not really true at all, actually. He and Obi-Wan never saw eye to eye on much of anything. They never... and all that because Obi-Wan was always so true to the Code.
"Really?" Obi-Wan asks, dryly.
It stings, mostly because it's true. "You betrayed the Republic," Anakin accuses anyway – he can't back down. He's here on a mission, and he has to remember that.
"There was no Republic left to betray," Obi-Wan shoots back, "It fell long ago. This is the only chance at peace."
"Dooku is the one that led the galaxy to war," Anakin protests.
"Only because the Jedi gave him no choice."
It's so easy – too easy – for Anakin to feel his anger, for him to lash out. He's afraid he will, no matter how hard he tries to keep it in. There's only so long he can stop himself from moving on, but maybe he shouldn't – he's here on a mission. He needs to remember that. "There's always another way. And even if there was not, he had no right to go as far as he did. Dooku is the cause of half the suffering in the galaxy now, Obi-Wan."
His eyes narrow. Anakin would be lying to say the look didn't send a shiver down his spine despite the burning heat of the planet. "The point is there now is a chance to end it."
"Through what? More killing?"
Obi-Wan's presence flares with a sudden surge of rage. "None of this was meant to happen," he argues, "But if the Jedi were not all destroyed, they would never cease fighting."
That's true, but how could it not be? They have to stop Dooku. Anakin could never trust him to lead an Empire.
"You wanted to end slavery. I know you did. We have the power to do that now."
For a moment, Anakin can only gape at him incredulously. "I'm never willingly going to betray the Jedi," he replies finally, fiercely, "You know that."
Obi-Wan's expression hardens, but the borderline madness in it doesn't change. Looking back, Anakin thinks, to a point, it's been there ever since Zygerria. Everything changed on Zygerria, though that's not something they ever talk about. "So be it," he replies icily, igniting his lightsaber. It's still blue. Anakin wishes that were different, too.
He can't deny that it hurts, cutting him to the core that his master is even willing to so readily draw his weapon, but that's what Anakin was sent here to do. And Master Yoda was right. He was – the person Anakin used to know would much rather die than become this. That, Anakin knows without a doubt, so he doesn't know how this could've changed. It's easier to think it didn't.
Reluctantly – but really, he doesn't have much other choice, does he? – Anakin draws his own blade. He has no idea what this is going to mean or – or anything, because he's here on a mission that he needs to finish, one he also knows that he... can't.
Obi-Wan doesn't give him a moment longer to consider it – that Anakin was willing to draw his own lightsaber only seems to make him angry, as if he wasn't the one who did it first.
His master lunges at him, and their blades clash together.
It's nothing like all those times they've sparred in the past because this is an actual fight to the death and – he has no idea if Obi-Wan is actively trying to hurt him, but he's definitely not holding back either.
They both know each other too well to get the upper hand, and Anakin doesn't know if that's... good or bad. Truthfully, he's not at all committed to what he's doing. He doesn't want to be here, and he definitely doesn't want to hurt Obi-Wan, but he's not entirely certain that... this is him anymore. Yoda was right about that, Anakin is almost entirely certain.
Their fight carries across the platform, to a building where... Anakin doesn't know what it was, but it feels of the Dark Side in here. Somewhere along the way their blades slash through the controls, and they start failing.
It's going to be collapsing into the lava, and it's a very bad place to be fighting.
But he can't stop because he has to finish this even though he can't, and he doesn't even want to. He doesn't want them to be fighting, but he can't stop. Not that Obi-Wan has any intention of stopping either. He's backing away from him now, leading the fight out onto the walkways overlooking the lava rivers.
The structure starts falling, sprays of lava splashing up all around them as they both scramble to get to safer ground.
Anakin can't say how it happened – but it all happens at once.
Obi-Wan stumbles, nearly loses his footing; maybe it's because of how exhausted he seems, likely from his attack on the Temple.
Anakin freezes for a moment – a moment too long, because another splash of lava is coming his way, and he doesn't manage to avoid or block all of it with the Force in time. Burning pain rips through his leg, and he falls before he can stop himself, scrambling to catch onto the dangerously teetering ledge.
Except the pain doesn't stop, it's only getting sharper and stronger as the shock of whatever injury he just got from being hit with molten rock starts to wear off, and one glance back tells him that his robes are very dangerously close to catching fire.
"Anakin!" Obi-Wan calls. His anger is gone, replaced with fear.
Or at least Anakin thinks so – as much as he can think when his mind is hazed over with pain. The lack of proper air is hardly helping either. He thinks the bone in his leg must've shattered from the heat or something. He's had worse injuries before, but this is burned on top of being broken.
Obi-Wan is standing over him now, expression tensed and worried. His vision is half hazed over, but Anakin sees him extending a hand. The moment is too familiar, and Anakin reaches back on instinct, letting Obi-Wan pull him up and half-carry him away from the edge. "Why did you help me?" Anakin asks the moment they stumble onto the edge of platform that at least temporarily, looks safe.
"Keep moving," Obi-Wan says, as if that somehow answers the question. Alright, then – he's not going to be getting an answer.
It takes a painfully long time, literally, for them to reach the landing platform again. None of this makes sense, and Anakin has long ceased trying to understand why Obi-Wan is doing what he is. Anakin came here to kill him, even if... he didn't think it would work. That doesn't change that's why he was here, and he can't understand why Obi-Wan would just... shrug that off.
Not that it matters.
Obi-Wan takes him to the waiting shuttle that he must've come in – not that Anakin expected differently. He's going to take him to... Where is he taking him? What is going to happen now?
He failed his mission, and he doesn't know what happened with Yoda, but something tells him both the Sith are still very much alive.
... he's also, presumably, now their prisoner.
**w**
He failed. He was sent here to – to – but he couldn't even do that. That's the only thing Obi-Wan cared for him for. Anakin was meant to... end this. Stop this. Whichever. He couldn't do either. All he did do was... fail. Again. And again.
No matter what this Sith says, Anakin knows that Obi-Wan would never... do this. It's not who he was. Obi-Wan may have hurt people, yes, and often, but it was never like this. He never massacred people. He would never have turned on the Jedi for anything. (He didn't for Anakin. He didn't even... twist their way without directly breaking their Code to be Anakin's... family. He could've.)
But now, the Jedi are gone, and Anakin can't understand how it could've happened. This isn't even something from his worst nightmares.
He shouldn't be surprised when Obi-Wan renters the room. Doesn't know why he is – of course, Obi-Wan came back. That makes sense. He would do that. Anakin doesn't even look up at him, though. He twitches slightly despite himself, turning his head away. He doesn't want to see him right now. Doesn't want to... anything.
"Anakin." He sounds the same. Anakin wishes he didn't. It would be easier if he didn't sound exactly the way he did before. "Look at me." Something about how he says it makes Anakin want to comply, but he – he can't. All he can do is blink back against the tears burning his eyes, but it's pointless, because they won't stop coming, anyway.
"How could you do this?" he demands finally, "How could you?"
"I did what had to be done, Anakin. It's the same as it always has been."
"No, it's not!" he yells back, "We've had to – kill people before, but this is outright murder! You destroyed the Order." It doesn't make sense. Obi-Wan is... difficult sometimes, but he would never do something like this. So, what...
He senses the Sith's approach before his hand touches Anakin's shoulder. Instincts tell him to pull away, but he feels too numb to move. This is... the person who destroyed the Jedi, all the things Anakin worked for. Everything he tried to be, so his master would be willing to accept him. Then he ends it all. And why?
"Anakin," Obi-Wan repeats, something almost too soft to be real in his voice, "Don't cry. Please. I did this for you."
"Me?" he echoes, finally looking up. That doesn't make sense. "Why would you do this for me?"
"I know what you want," Obi-Wan continues. "I know you wanted to bring peace to the galaxy. And I know we could never do that as Jedi. I saw what happens when the Council failed."
Was it on Zygerria? Anakin wants to ask, but he holds it back. No one mentions that place. They haven't since the Republic finally came in and found them. Anakin doesn't remember much of what happen, if he's being honest. Whether forgetting was a cause of electrocution or willfully forgetting, he doesn't know. The same stands true for Ahsoka. Dooku had come to Zygerria, before they could break out. Why he wanted them, Anakin doesn't know. Looking back, he can only suspect.
All he does know is that they were taken to the Separatist ship, and they were... they weren't hurt there, surprisingly, but it had been weeks before the Republic arrived, and they hadn't seen Obi-Wan until the very end. Where he'd been all that time, no one knows. Rex had told them afterwards that they'd been on Kadavo with the other slaves they were sent to rescue, and that... that somehow, Obi-Wan had broken everyone out.
He had told Anakin with a haunted look in his eyes, that he knew something was wrong, even if he couldn't say what. And that Obi-Wan had killed every single Zygerrian there.
That, Anakin thinks, is when it all started. He never asked. Maybe he should've.
"Failure doesn't justify outright murder," Anakin replies bluntly. "That's what you did. That's what all Sith do."
"It is not as though Jedi are any different," Obi-Wan retorts. "We have killed countless in the name of the Order. All Jedi once did."
He doesn't want to talk about this, or really, about anything. This is... too much. He trusted Obi-Wan, trusted his judgment at least, even if it was becoming increasingly difficult to talk to him as Anakin got older. "You know why I came here," Anakin continues quietly, "So, why? Why did you help me?"
Obi-Wan studies him, something unreadable in his expression. "Regardless of what the Orders we follow believe, you still were my padawan."
Anakin looks away, staring at the wall. There's really nothing to see that he hasn't seen a thousand times before over the time that Obi-Wan was in the cockpit, making the jump to hyperspace. "I won't join you."
"Dooku was as certain you would as I am."
"Then you're delusional." At least Anakin desperately hopes he is. He doesn't want to have to betray what he used to stand for. He doesn't want to believe that his entire life was a lie. He left his mother to be a Jedi, and if – if he turns on that... But realistically, Anakin knows that he won't be able to refuse Obi-Wan indefinitely. It's more a matter of how long he can hold off, if it'll be enough for something to change.
Why does Obi-Wan feel amused? "We both know you will," he replies. Something about his touch feels more... possessive. Too much so, though being wanted is a feeling so overwhelming, something he's craved for so desperately, Anakin could almost forget exactly who this is. Almost.
"You destroyed everything," Anakin accuses, flinching away. "Everything we stood for. Everything that mattered."
"No," he argues, "You are the only thing that matters."
He can't be serious. He can't... Obi-Wan was never like this. He never acted like he cared. He certainly would never say it. "I know you don't mean that. At least don't lie to me."
Obi-Wan pulls back, turning away. He seems... stung. Hurt. It's strange to see him react like that, and Anakin instantly feels guilty. He tries swallowing it back anyway, because he can't rightfully apologize, can he? He doesn't exactly regret saying it, because it's true, but...
Obi-Wan turns his attention to looking over Anakin's injury. It's... pretty bad, all things considered, but Anakin has long since resolutely decided not to look at it at all. "I would expect some gratitude," he says a bit sharply. "Do you believe I desired to do this?"
Yes. ... no. Maybe. "I don't know," he rasps, resting his head against the wall, too worn to do anything else. "I don't know – anything."
He bites back a yelp when Obi-Wan rips off what's left of his boot what feels like far more sharply than it needed to be. "You could have warned me," Anakin snaps.
Obi-Wan looks up at him, the icy look in his gold eyes chilling him to the core. "What did I just say about gratitude, Anakin?"
He can't say why there's a very distinct part of him that wants to lash out and hit Obi-Wan in the face. Hard. And really, if it weren't Obi-Wan, he probably would've done it anyway, no matter how much he knows he's at the Sith's mercy right now.
A long time ago, Obi-Wan would've tried to get him into a healing trance. Ahsoka would've, too, though it was harder for her. Ahsoka's presence was never as strong, as distinct, as Obi-Wan's making it much harder for Anakin to latch onto her presence for grounding than his. Everything was different, stronger, with Obi-Wan.
And if Obi-Wan wasn't there, and Ahsoka could do it – if it was back when she didn't know how to wind the softness of her presence through Anakin's burning one and hold it down, then Rex would be here. Rex or just some of them – or Echo and Fives – or... he shies away of the thought of Echo and Fives. The last time Anakin saw them was hours ago, on Kaller – he had seen, from afar, the twins arguing with Rex, trying to make him stop searching.
But Fives was good at these things, random enough to interject with the most outrageous and distracting things.
"I will have to wait to treat this until we reach Coruscant," Obi-Wan says finally, voice laced with annoyance. "The damage is too great."
For a sudden, terrifying moment, he finds himself wondering if – if he could lose his leg entirely. "That bad?" he asks quietly, almost sheepishly.
"You should've –"
"What?" Anakin interjects, "Let Rex stun me? Let him arrest me and take me to Dooku? He's the one who needs to be stopped."
"Enough," Obi-Wan snaps. He sounds so... sharp. That's the first reminder that Anakin is, in fact, his prisoner, even if he doesn't want to see it like that. That Obi-Wan is a Sith – somehow – and that if he was willing to do what he did to the Jedi, Anakin has no doubt he would be willing to hurt Anakin, too. That he already has, differently, doesn't count. "I made this for you."
He should stop. He should be quiet, or something, but Anakin isn't a slave anymore. He's not. He doesn't have to be quiet, and he won't let himself be – be not him when he doesn't have to. He can fight back now. That's all Anakin's ever had, after all. "If I wanted you to do this, why would I have come here?"
"Should I have left you there?"
Truthfully, if Anakin had been in his right mind at that point, he'd have insisted on it himself. "That alternative couldn't be worse than what you have planned," Anakin throws back, "If you had, it would have been my choice." He can be as stubborn as Obi-Wan if he wants to be. Now's no different.
The irritated look on Obi-Wan's face almost made it worth it. "Perhaps I should have," he says, standing, "If you will not accept the truth."
Anakin doesn't look up again until Obi-Wan stalks out of the room. He shifts a little, lying down on his back and staring blankly up at the ceiling. He just feels... empty. Vacant. Like something is missing – of course, something is missing. Everything is.
Anakin may have disagreed with the Council, but he was always, as best he could be, true to the Code. That's what his mother had encouraged him to be before she died. That's what... Palpatine encouraged him to be. They had told him to be the Jedi that he saw the galaxy needed instead of the one everyone told him to be. And that's what he was trying to do.
That's what he was doing, even if it was hard.
It was a fight of his own, in a sense, so familiar to what it had always been – the masters asking his heart, and Anakin seeing how long it would take, how long he could hold off and refuse to give it to them, seeing how long it would take for him to... hold together, to keep being what he was. To keep his heart.
He's not totally sure he has one, anymore.
**w**
It's been a few days, Anakin thinks, when he awakens. It's definitely been a while, because some of the death in the Force has settled out a bit from what it was. But now that the Jedi are gone, there's nothing to stop the darkness from drowning the galaxy.
Nothing, except Ahsoka, Master Yoda, and Anakin himself, as far as they're aware. Though it's guaranteed some Jedi did escape, he has no idea how many or where they are.
Obi-Wan's presence is no longer as chaotic as it was on Mustafar, though it still feels like a dark, icy storm. He's here, of course. That alone is enough to make Anakin not want to wake up.
At least everything doesn't hurt as much now as it did earlier. That's... something.
"Anakin."
He groans softly. "I'm here." He pulls his eyes open, looking up to see Obi-Wan hovering nearby. He's wearing black. The color looks so horrifyingly wrong Anakin genuinely does not care the first thing he gets out is, "you look awful."
"Really?" Obi-Wan asks dryly.
Anakin pushes himself upright. "When was the last time you've seen a mirror? It was before you Fell, clearly, else you wouldn't be questioning that."
"Every time," Obi-Wan huffs, "Every time I speak with you, I wonder why I went to such lengths."
"Good," Anakin snips back. "Perhaps we can figure out together." He is – relatively – certain that Obi-Wan isn't about to start hurting him. Not entirely, though. Not enough to keep from flinching when Obi-Wan reaches for him. Nothing could be enough to stop that. Not after... everything that happened.
"You fear me?" Obi-Wan asks, almost incredulously.
"Why should I?" Anakin can't help asking dryly. "It's not as though you're a Sith, or I am the last surviving Jedi."
Obi-Wan huffs. "Must you be so difficult?"
"Must you?" What? Two can play this game.
He scowls – not that he really stopped. "I did not come in here to fight with you about this," he snaps, icily.
"What did you expect would happen?" It's genuinely an honest question, even if it clearly only annoys his former master further. Because Anakin still doesn't see how this could be... Obi-Wan. How could his master have done any of this? He can't lie to Obi-Wan about what he is and feels. That would only serve to worsen the situation, already as tense as it is. "What do you want, really?"
Obi-Wan studies him, and the emotions flashing across his face are too fast to read. "I brought you here because I wanted you," he answers finally, "I thought it would be easier for you to accept that."
"Accept what you've become?" Anakin asks incredulously, "What you are? This? When it's what you trained me to destroy?"
"You always have," Obi-Wan replies. "Before, you would always choose me."
"And you," Anakin reminds him evenly, "Would always – always – pick the Jedi Council."
"That's not true."
"When wasn't it? When could it not have been?" Do you think I wouldn't have noticed if you weren't? That I wouldn't have cared, when it was all I wanted to see? But Anakin won't voice that. He wouldn't have even before, and he definitely won't voice this to a Sith who could so easily use it against him.
There's a moment of tense silence, one he's almost afraid of Obi-Wan breaking. Yes, he is being... intentionally aggravating, but Anakin's not sure how long he can push it without his former master lashing out. It's just a question of how violent it will be. Yes, he could try to understand exactly what happened. He's just not entirely certain he's able to, or even that he wants to. If he understands, knowing how it always has been with Obi-Wan, Anakin will find himself becoming the same thing that his former master now is. And he can't – can't lose himself.
"I'm sorry," he offers finally, even if it feels wrong to say this to a Sith. "I don't mean to upset you. I just..."
"Are being you," Obi-Wan finishes dryly. "I am aware." He's not being overly hostile, but it still takes a ridiculous amount of effort not to pull away when Obi-Wan touches him. He is now – far more gently than Anakin would ever have thought a Sith capable of – a soft, light touch on his head that would've been readily welcome any other time.
"All this time, throughout the war, and even before, you were telling me that the Jedi were not what you thought they were," Obi-Wan continues. Some of the edge in his voice is gone now, slipped back to that too-soft tone.
Anakin doesn't trust that tone – or the person using it – at all. "And you," he replies, careful to keep his voice flat, not betraying the emotions he feels on this topic. It's something he's become so accustomed to among the Jedi. "Always refused to believe me. You always said that the Council made the right choices, and that I had to trust them." No matter if I knew what they were doing was wrong, he doesn't add.
"I see it clearly now," Obi-Wan replies. He seats himself next to Anakin, much too close. It hurts how any other time, not so long ago, Anakin would have found this far more comforting than any words could be. "I see what you were trying to show me."
"I'm not going to join you," Anakin says finally, turning away. He doesn't want to have this conversation. Obi-Wan won't give ground, but Anakin can't afford to, either. "I can't – be this. I won't become what you're asking me to be."
"I brought you here to discuss this. You can take time, if you must. I did not wish to accept it, either."
"And if I don't change my mind?" Anakin inquires. He just... needs to know, even if he doesn't want to. Even if he's terrified to.
"Then you will be confined," he replies, far too bluntly.
Better than... something else. Maybe. Keeping him alive just means Anakin is more likely to eventually join him, and that's what he's most terrified of. "So much for doing this for me," he mutters.
"It is Dooku's insistence," he responds, sounding slightly irked, "And I have no other insurance you will not try to destroy this before you... understand."
"We could never peace with him in control." Anakin doesn't understand why Obi-Wan doesn't see that – why he would trust Dooku so much, after everything he's done.
"He promised to restore order. If he does not, we can remove him."
He means kill. Every passing moment, he misses his former master as he once was more and more. "How did Dooku become a Sith?" Anakin asks, finally. Aside from Maul, there were never any traces until him, and he has serious doubts about Maul being Dooku's master.
"He saw beyond the Jedi, and desired to take action when they would not. He was trained by Darth Venamis – who killed the other apprentice of his master. Dooku was the last of the Sith, once Venamis was gone," Obi-Wan explains.
"Until you," he murmurs, and he still can't understand. How could his master ever think this is the answer to – to anything? Especially when he spent ten years teaching Anakin otherwise?
"I understand your questions," Obi-Wan tells him, "I was uncertain at first as well, but I saw what the Jedi were failing to stop."
"Zygerria?" Anakin guesses finally. He always knew something of Obi-Wan had changed then, but no one talked about it. Anakin never wanted to think of the planet again, himself.
"Yes. I never realized how much of... you I did not understand until then. Until I saw it myself. And the Jedi would have left everyone but the Togrutan colonists there, because they were not... any concern for the Republic," Obi-Wan replies. His presence has been dark since Anakin saw him again, but now, that icy rage is back.
"Rex said you lashed out," Anakin continues quietly, "I was... worried, but I never would have guessed you embraced the Dark Side."
"We would not have broken out, if not for that," Obi-Wan says.
And really, Anakin doesn't know if he... wants to know what it was that pushed Obi-Wan that far. He knows far too well how easy it is to break under... everything that can happen. What always kept him from slipping that far was what his mother said, a reminder to be that light if no one else would be.
It would have been so easy, so much easier, to give in and stop trying to help others, but he would never do that. Could never do that.
Anakin would never disappoint her like that. He has always tried to be what his mother would've wanted. That became even more true now that she's... gone. But now that Obi-Wan is asking him to do something the complete opposite, he doesn't know what to do.
"I don't blame you," Anakin says finally, and he's scared that he's admitting it. "On Zygerria – I would have, too, if Dooku hadn't come when he did."
Obi-Wan slides an arm around Anakin's shoulders, pulling him close. Anakin leans closer against his side. He still can't look him in the eye though. He can't... see those gold eyes staring at him. He can already see it enough in his mind. He hates himself enough as it is, to give in like this, but he just feels... empty. The Force feels empty.
"I regret not reacting earlier," Obi-Wan murmurs. He sounds too soft. Anakin turns his head a little, resting it on Obi-Wan's chest. "It could have spared so many. That is what I speak of – that if all the Jedi had reacted earlier, you could have been freed years earlier."
"I was where I needed to be," Anakin replies, eyes closed. He wants to cry. "I saw what I needed to see – to be where I am now."
Obi-Wan's hand trails across his back, lifting to Anakin's neck. It's too soft, too warm, too gentle. "You didn't deserve any of that."
How, or why, Obi-Wan is suddenly being so openly affectionate, only now after he Fell, after he became... what he is now? "Neither did you. None of – none of us did." Obi-Wan wraps his other arm around Anakin, just... holding him. "What now?" Anakin asks finally, wearily. "Where do we go from here?"
"Stay here," Obi-Wan requests, "Stay with me."
"I can't become this. I can't be what you are. I can't accept what you've done." His voice breaks in the end, shaking.
Obi-Wan's grip on him tightens slightly. His presence is still dark, and it's hard to be so close to, but something in it is soothing out a little. Anakin doesn't want to leave him, even if he's not sure what else to do. He... can't leave. He's... stuck here. There's not really a way out, not when he doesn't entirely want to leave.
"You already know where this will end."
He doesn't want to do this. "Master..."
"It will be alright," Obi-Wan assures, though it's really not particularly reassuring.
Anakin shakes his head. "I... won't become a Sith, Master. We can still help people with the Light."
"It encourages complacency," Obi-Wan insists.
He hopes they won't have to spend the rest of... forever, having conversations like this. (He hopes he won't end up giving in.) "It doesn't have to. This – it's what made me always want to help."
Obi-Wan sighs quietly, though he doesn't pull away. Something about his grip seems strangely possessive; it's not something Anakin's ever seen from him before. "You have always been... Light, Anakin. More so than any of the other Jedi who never cared for helping nearly as much as you. Drawing on the Dark Side as well would only give you more power to help those you desire to."
Once, he had come far too close to that line of thinking. On Tatooine, after his mother died. He knew he was being tempted by the Dark Side then, and after that, he did everything he could to stay in the Light. He wouldn't let himself Fall like that; he knows firsthand what being momentarily lost to the Dark can do to someone.
He would never have imagined telling Obi-Wan, but now... it would hardly matter, would it? "I have drawn on the Dark Side before, Master. I will not lose myself to it."
"It can be controlled," he replies, "I can teach you."
As though Anakin could want this, even. "Don't ask this of me." He doesn't know how long he can keep refusing if Obi-Wan stays insistent, if he... But whatever the reason, what he did as a Sith was still wrong, and Anakin can't reach that level to.
"You do not need to decide now," he concedes finally, though he's clearly reluctant and unhappy about it, "You can... take time."
Obi-Wan isn't going to let this go, any more than he ever does, but maybe Anakin can at least try to buy time and... something. He doesn't know what, because he doesn't... want to just leave his former master either. (He wishes there was a way he could get the Obi-Wan he knew back, but that's impossible, isn't it?)
"What happens now?" Anakin asks, when Obi-Wan finally pulls back from him. He almost wishes they could... stay how they were. (He wishes he could find as much comfort in it as he once would have.)
"For now, you will... have to remain confined in my quarters," Obi-Wan tells him, "Dooku will not permit you to be free until he is convinced of your loyalty."
Hopefully, that's never going to happen then.
Anakin doesn't have much hope of that, but he does know that Ahsoka will try to find him. Likely, Echo and Fives and the rest of their free brothers will eventually track him down and try to find him, too. Whether that will be too late or not... no one can say.
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