Fourteen days, twenty-thousand-one-hundred-sixty minutes, she could count the seconds but that seemed a little redundant at this point, counting days worked for now besides the days didn't matter anymore either, nothing mattered but their kids, she didn't even care about herself because without him there was no her. A piece of her would always be in that grave with him and she would never be whole again. She wished she didn't have to tell Makayla that she lost another parent and watch her melt into a puddle on the floor as the sobs wrecked her body or to have this baby she's pregnant with only know its father through picture and stories, it wasn't fair, they were supposed to have more time, they were supposed to have a whole lifetime.
"Mom?" she flinched at the small voice; it sounded like she was six years old again hiding in the closet trying to save herself from the cruelties of the outside world instead of the ten-year-old she is. Kim reached out in the dark to find her daughters hand, "Yeah baby?" They had been hidden away in Kim and Adams bed since the funeral five days ago, it was their safe space where nothing could touch them, where they could cry and let out their feelings and talk without any interruptions because on the other side of the bedroom door there were people, people who loved them and only wanted to help but it was too much, too soon, and the people were determined to not leave them alone, so they hid.
"Do you think he can still hear us?" Kim coved her mouth to stifle the sob that threatened to escape, such an innocent question from a child that had been witness to too much tragedy in her short life, they had discussed this before about her birth mom and they had always encouraged her to try because even if she couldn't hear them the words were out there in the universe and would hopefully make it to her. "I think if you talk to him, the words will make it to him." She pulled her hand and Makayla moved closer burying her face into Kim's neck.
Kim stared at the wall listening to Makayla snore softly next to her, she figured it was sometime around midnight but she couldn't be sure. She strained to hear if anyone else was in the house, she was almost certain there was because at least one person had stayed with them at all times, Kevin refused to leave for the first ten days no matter who was there, he just sat outside their bedroom door in the hall and kept vigil. She could hear someone in the kitchen but she was fairly certain they were alone, she could handle one person, it was the constant stream of multiple people with condolences she couldn't handle, she didn't care about how bad they felt or how sad they were or how good of a person they thought he was, it was selfish, yes, but this was her and Makayla's grief, he was her husband and Makayla's dad and she didn't care what he was to anyone else at the moment, maybe in the future she would but right now, no she didn't want to hear it.
She pushed herself off the bed making sure not to wake Makayla and headed toward the kitchen, she needed to eat, she was just hoping whoever was here wouldn't give her those sad eyes that told her that they felt sorry for her, she was sick of the sad eyes. "Hey" She looked up to meet Antonio's eyes, he had flown in from Puerto Rico for the funeral and was staying a couple weeks to spend time with his kids. "Hey" she answered back weakly, she wanted to see him, wanted to talk to him, it had been at least a year since the last time he was in town but at this moment she couldn't bring herself to have any kind of small talk outside the necessary. "Is there anything to eat?" she sat at the table; she knew Antonio wasn't going to let her do anything herself so she decided to not even fight it. She watched him shove something in the microwave and then bring it to her, he plopped down across from her and just played on his phone only looking up to see if she was finished.
She wasn't even sure what she was eating, she assumed it was something someone had dropped off but she couldn't taste anything anyway; the day he died was when her world turned grey and there were no more colors, no more tastes, no more happiness, she was going to barely survive this, and to be honest if she wasn't pregnant and there was no Makayla she probably would go with him, she didn't know how to live in a world without him and frankly she didn't want to know how. She took a couple bites, it was all she could handle, she'd eat again, she knew she needed to eat but she couldn't, it felt like hot coal going down, grief is funny like that. She sighed and pushed up from the table but at eight months pregnant it was tough, before she could fall back into the seat from lack of inertia she felt Antonio's hand grip her arm and hold her steady.
"Thanks" it sounded harsher than she intended but he kept his face neutral, "Always." It was simple but she knew he meant it, she knew she had him just like she had Kevin, Trudy, and Voight, they were never going anywhere, they were her family whether she was accepting them at the moment or not, they knew better than to take offence to her behavior and just hung back and let her be.
She made it back to the room and crawled back in next to Makayla, wrapping her arms around her, wishing she could just stay like this in the bed with her daughter for the rest of her life but she knew eventually she would have to emerge, eventually she would have a little boy who she prayed looked like his daddy and eventually she would have to try to be happy again but for now, they hide.