"Your family wanted me to stay."
"You probably should have," he said softly, "You might have been happy there."
-Blood Promise
Rose stopped outside the grocery, trying to remember if there was anything else Olena needed for dinner tonight before she went home. Olena said she had everything, but she debated calling just to be sure. After all, she would be the one that would be running out again if an ingredient was missing. Not that she minded. Honestly, it was the least she could do.
They had let her stay without question. They never asked her to do so, exactly, but it seemed almost expected until her presence just became a part of daily life. Her life started to solidify there, moving away from the Academy, from Court, from everything in America until she spoke Russian more than English. She made friends in Baia and started talking to them more than those she had grown up with. She never forgot those early friendships, and they never forgot her, but they simply grew apart. Lissa was still in her mind, but the connection dimmed over the years. Now Rose only heard her when she listened for her voice.
The pathway to the Belikova house was well beaten with her footsteps. She'd walked this path so many times over the years it almost seemed like she had been walking it since childhood, even though she knew it was crazy. Perhaps it was because her life was divided in two. There was pre- and post-...him.
Though Dimitri had never been present in this new life of hers, he still somehow managed to be everywhere. She had never seen him interact with this world, but it seemed like he was growing out of every surface, reaching out to touch her. Maybe that's why she had never left.
"I'm home!" the door creaked and slammed behind her. She knew it was technically impolite, but the jam was stuck. You either slammed the door or you had to push it for a minute to get it closed. Even Olena slammed it every time she went out.
Her house slippers were waiting right inside the door. Initially, they had given her a pair of pink ones with a little white flower on them, perhaps a set that was meant to go to Sonya before her feet had grown with the pregnancy, but she was happy that she had been able to replace them with a simple black pair. The only defining characteristic was a red bow on the heel. Or...on one heel. The other had been pulled off. As she used the remaining bow to pull the fabric over her heel, she didn't have to guess why.
"Hello, Rose! How was work?" Olena called from the kitchen, her voice somehow rising above the clanging of pots and pans.
"Just the same. Nothing really changes at the restaurant." Rose had been working at one of the busy sit-down places for years. A family place that didn't need to take reservations but did guarantee a whole bunch of tips during the dinner rush hour. She worked the day shift today, so while tips were a bit lighter, she did get to enjoy Olena's cooking rather than another plate of tefteli. It was one of her favorite dishes, but it got boring on a day-to-day basis.
"I'm making some tabaka tonight."
Rose practically moaned. She loved Olena's cooking, and her seasoned, pressed, and pan-fried chicken was better than anything Rose had ever eaten growing up. Olena often served it with some buttery brown rice and roasted vegetables too. Rose always insisted that she hated vegetables before, but it turns out she only hated poorly cooked, bland cafeteria vegetables. She'd become a freaking vegetarian if Olena made her every meal. Well, maybe not. She could smell that chicken cooking, after all.
"Let me get out of this uniform, and I'll come down to help."
Rose took the stairs two at a time, hopping over the one that was certain to make her trip if she used it because she swore it was an inch shorter than the others. Once she was safe in the privacy of her room, she stripped the black polo over her head. She wished she didn't smell like food every time she came home, but there were worse things. Still, her uniform could use a good washing. She tossed it into the laundry hamper before falling back onto her bed and taking a deep breath. For a moment, all she wanted to do was lay down and rest her feet, but she had promised to help. Granted, Olena would probably just have her sit on the stool and keep her company, or at the very worst, she'd make Rose set the table.
Rose served food. She didn't cook it.
"Anyone else coming today?" Rose called over the railing as she made her way back down to the kitchen.
"Nope. Karo and her husband are going to spend some time with the kids at home tonight, and Sonya has a date. It's just us girls." Olena said it with a smile, but Rose had to suppress a grimace.
Rose preferred to have everyone here. The more people at the dinner table, the more people to keep Yeva from making awkward and sometimes snide comments. It all depended on her mood that day. Katya, Sonya's daughter, would provide some buffer, but it may not be enough to satisfy the cranky grandmother. She missed having Vika around. Vika had a great guardian position in Portugal right now, but that meant that the family never saw her.
Rose began setting the table automatically and then sat on the stool as soon as she finished, tearing off a piece of that morning's black bread.
"So, Rose, I wanted to talk to you."
The tone in Olena's voice made Rose pause. The bread she had been snacking on was now dry in her mouth.
"It's been almost five years, dear."
The room became quiet except for the sizzle of the chicken in the pan. She wasn't sure if either of them were breathing. Rose couldn't even think, much less breathe.
"Just over four and a half," Rose corrected.
"That's what I mean. Don't you think it's time to..."
"What?" Rose interrupted a bit too sharply. "To forget him?"
"No. No, of course not. None of us will, but," Olena sighed and placed her hands on either side of the sink, not looking at Rose. "I want you to be happy, and you still seem to be mourning him. He's gone, dear. He's not coming back. You don't have to be gone alongside him."
Rose bit her lip to keep it from trembling. She had this type of conversation once before with Olena—nearly a year ago—and it hadn't ended well. Olena didn't shout, but Rose did. Rose had let loose every ounce of rage and heartbreak until she stormed out of the house in a fit of anger and didn't come back for a day and a half. Olena hadn't brought it up the topic again.
Until now, apparently.
"I just can't." Rose had to look up at the lights to keep her emotions in check.
There was another silence before Olena broke it with a whisper. "Would you like me to bring you dinner in your room?"
It was a rare offering. Dinner away from the table was usually reserved for those who were gravely ill, and perhaps she was in a way. Her stomach was already knotting up, and the wave of nausea she was fighting back just barely masked the memory of those first few days after learning that Dimitri was dead. Worse than dead.
Rose shut her eyes against the pain, needing to catch her bearings for a moment before she could answer. When she finally felt strong enough to face Olena again, she was met with pitying eyes. Without a word, Rose turned back to the stairs and returned to her room, much more somber than she had been ten minutes ago.
Her earlier wish was granted. She was now lying on the bed, but she wasn't able to relax at all. For the first time in a long time, the room didn't feel like hers.
Shortly after Dimitri's funeral, when she had decided to stay, they moved her out of Vika's room and into Dimitri's old one. Slowly, her stuff had overtaken his. Her clothes now filled the closet. The old red and black checkered bedding was eventually replaced with deep plum sheets and a soft, fuzzy blanket. Pictures of her and her friends, both here and abroad, now covered the bureau while the graduation photo of him and Ivan at St. Basil had been shuffled to the side.
That wasn't to say that the room was devoid of every memory of its former occupant. Rose had been careful to keep some of his stuff around. There was an old jacket of his still hanging in the back of her closet. A stack of classic westerns lined the second shelf of the bookcase. She had stared at them for an entire year before she built up the confidence to test her Russian against them. Of course, when she saw a few of his annotations written in the margins, she nearly cried. Now she read the stories so much that she practically had each word memorized. She still didn't care for reading in general, but she craved that connection to him.
Rose had also found a silver stake at one point that he must have used back at school. His initials were even carved into the heel of it. She kept it next to her own stake in the bedside drawer, though the charmed magic in both had probably dissipated long ago. How disappointed would he be that she had let the charm wear down?
Turning to her side, she looked at the framed photo on her bedside table and wiped away a tear. It was one of her favorites, a candid shot of Dimitri that was probably taken right before he was transferred to St. Vladimir's Academy. He was looking beyond the camera, but what really called to her was his smile. Dimitri was wearing one of his rare, precious smiles that she loved so much. He was probably smiling at his nephew or something, but she liked to pretend he was smiling at her. Just another thing she had to pretend. She was always living in some sort of fantasy.
A knock sounded at the door, interrupting her thoughts. Olena came in with a plate laden heavily with everything she loved, including another slice of black bread and butter.
She put it down on the nightstand but didn't leave. Instead, she sat beside her, looking at the same photo Rose had been staring at so intently.
"He was very handsome," she said. Rose nodded in agreement before Olena continued, "And I know he loved you very much. In his letters, before everything happened, you could see the change. You changed him. You made him better. Happier. That's all I could ever ask for my son."
Rose let out a small choking sob, turning her head into her pillow to drown out the sound of anymore.
Olena placed a hand between Rose's shoulder blades, rubbing gently to soothe her. "I don't want you to forget him. I never want you to forget him. He would never forget you. But I also know that he would want you to be happy. Dimitri loved you, and he would hate to see you living each day like a ghost, just going through the motions. You deserve more."
Rose lifted her head a little, knowing that Olena was right. Dimitri would be more sad and disappointed to see her stop living her life than he would be to see her neglect the charm in a stake.
"I'm not saying that you have to do anything. It's up to you. However, there is a young man who works at the grocery who has asked about you more than once. He seems nice. Introducing yourself to him and accepting an evening in his company for dinner or drinks wouldn't mean a lifetime commitment. It would just be the first step. You don't have to see him again if it doesn't feel right. You don't have to see anyone else right now if it doesn't feel right. But, perhaps, it's worth giving happiness a chance."
Rose didn't reply, mostly because she didn't know what to say.
"Well," Olena sighed after a moment, "I left you some food. Take all the time you need. I'm always here for you."
The next morning, nothing seemed any clearer. A good night's rest had done nothing more than the previous thousand since Dimitri had passed. So she ran.
Running was the only way she felt any clarity. Perhaps it was just another way to feel closer to him, or perhaps it was just another way to escape. Even he had taught her to run when her back was against the wall and enemies overwhelmed her. The demons were in her own mind now, but running still seemed to banish them for a little while.
She went back and forth between accepting and disregarding Olena's words. Part of her wanted to go for it, just to say that she had.
Perhaps, she thought, running harder, it would satisfy her need to meddle in my life.
The other part of her wanted to take a chance and see if she could actually do something more than live in this never-ending cycle she had found herself in. Seeing the sun rise over the treetops, she stopped to catch her breath.
Maybe it was just time.
Images of every moment they spent together at the Academy played through her mind as she walked home. Each one—no matter how small—was practically memorialized in her thoughts now. She would watch them like a movie almost every day. Some made her smile, while others broke her heart with longing for what was gone. Either way, she clung to what she had, no matter how painful.
The morning dew wasn't dry by the time she reached her home again. Yeva was already rocking in her chair, switching between reading a book and glaring at her. Occasionally she napped, but most often she rocked in that chair all day until someone sought her counsel.
Olena, however, was already a bundle of energy. "Oh, Rose! There you are. I have a list for you. I need a few things from the grocery store."
Rose stiffened slightly, knowing that this was more than a simple errand that she was being sent on.
"Remember," Olena whispered as if only the two of them would hear, "you don't have to do anything you don't want to. This is just an opportunity."
"Roza."
Rose and Olena froze, caught in the middle of their secret conversation, and turned towards the woman whom Dimitri had once called a witch. He meant it as a term of endearment, speaking of his grandmother's ability to see things others could not. While Rose fully acknowledged that peculiar talent, there were times she chose to use the term in less than a polite manner. Never out loud, of course.
"Come here, Roza." Rose stepped forward, knowing that when Yeva gave a command, it could not be ignored. "You have made some bad choices in the past. Some that have cost you dearly. Some that I had even warned you about. Yes?"
Rose nodded, only partially ashamed. Rose's life was full of bad choices, most coming at a steep cost and plenty of regrets. However, the worst were whenever Yeva tried to warn her about a decision or push her towards something, and Rose's stubbornness won over instead. She hardly ever came out on the better end of the deal when that happened. Though she never said anything, Yeva's eyes always held that knowing look of disappointment.
"I know you are worried now, child. I also know you will make the right choice."
Whether it was the sea of emotions she had been swimming in over the past day or the fact that this was by far the most gentle way Yeva had ever spoken to her, Rose felt her eyes welling up. She looked up, blinking fast to keep the tears away and nodded, unable to speak.
Olena handed her the list as she walked out the door. Looking it over, it was obviously an 'opportunity' as she had said. Nothing on the list was essential, and she was certain that the kitchen was already stocked with a few of the items, but she went anyways.
She walked every aisle twice, wasting as much time as possible before heading to the check-out counter. She didn't have to guess which man Olena had been talking about. There was only one who was anywhere near the proper age range. Dhampir, maybe two years older than her.
As he scanned the third item, he looked up at her.
"Ms. Belikova, right?"
She had tried to correct people the first few months she was here, but many in the town insisted on giving her Dimitri's last name to recognize her tie to him. She had been known by Belikova ever since.
"Yes," she nodded. "Rose."
He smiled. "I see you running past the grocery nearly every day. I'm Erik."
"Nice to meet you." She was trying hard to put something akin to a pleasant tone in her voice, and maybe a smile, but she was worried that she was failing horribly. She was nervous. Scared, even.
"Do you like to run?" Perhaps if she could find some common interest, this would be less awkward. Though he seemed perfectly at ease.
"Oh no." He laughed as if the thought was absurd. "I do like to hike, though. Do you?"
"Yeah. But I haven't been in a while. Do you know any good trails around here?"
He grinned excitedly as he wrapped the last of her items up. "I do. I'd love to show you some of them." Then, for the first time since their conversation began, he looked slightly nervous and started rambling. "And perhaps a picnic? I can bring some food, maybe some wine? The view from this one particular trail I know is beautiful."
This was the moment she had to decide to either take a step forward or stay still. Erik had been the first brave soul to even attempt anything related to romance, so who knew when another person in town would dare to try? Especially if word got around that she rejected him. This was a make-or-break moment.
"That sounds great, but..."
She could see his shoulders drop alongside his expression. Without thinking, something else came over her.
"...but I need to make sure I have the day off work. What day were you thinking?"
"Oh? Oh! Um..." He scrambled around, looking for something and finding nothing. "I have this Tuesday off. Maybe that will work?"
"Just our luck. I happen to have it off too."
He chuckled, and his giddiness almost reminded her of Mason, or even a young Eddie before things became so somber for them. She couldn't help but smile herself.
"Well, Rose, it seems like we have a date."
With a deep breath, she agreed. "It seems so."
They said their goodbyes, exchanging info so that they could make some more concrete plans before the hike, and Rose stepped out to meet the growing daylight. The sun warmed her face, letting her take in the moment. There was some peace in the feeling, but she almost felt like she should apologize for her actions too.
There's nobody to apologize to, she reminded herself. He's gone. You're still here. And he would want you to live.
If anything, Dimitri would shirk her apology. He'd smile and tell her some zen words of wisdom. He'd probably tell her something about the freedom of letting go and how it empowered you to do...something. She was never as good at this as he was. Still, she could almost feel him. She knew he would be proud. That's all she ever wanted—to make him proud.
Her walk back was a bit easier, and she seemed to notice more around her. People greeted her and she returned their greetings without hesitance. She considered meeting with Mark and Oksana later, enjoying their company and some time in their garden. She missed them, and Oksana would be giving birth pretty soon. If she didn't go now, she might end up visiting a trio rather than a duo. The thought made her grin. Life moved on, no matter what.
Olena met her at the door, trying not to look too eager for her groceries. She continued to shift on her feet while Rose allowed her to stew a few minutes longer.
"So, did you find anything interesting at the store?"
Rose shrugged, unpacking the butter and eggs. "Lamb is on sale. I didn't know if you wanted me to grab some or not. If you do, I'd be happy to run out this evening after work."
"Anything...else?"
"Erik seems nice. We're going to check out some of the hiking trails on Tuesday."
Olena's hand snapped to her mouth, holding back whatever emotions threatened to explode out of her. The small joyful sob still made its way through as she pulled Rose into a tight embrace.
From across the room, Yeva sat in her chair, rocking away.
"Good choice, Roza. I'm proud of you. I'm not the only one."
Their smiles met, and she knew for certain: Dimitri would be proud of her. And she was proud of herself, too.