The House Cup finished for the seventh time, and yet I continue to lock eyes with the ceiling of my Slytherin dormitory. The game will not let me go; I am still here.

I'll admit—things seemed a little different this time. The stares from NPCs felt softer. The voices spoke kinder. Magic easily pulsated right out of my veins. At the same time, my senses started to sharpen in focus. I could smell the bubotuber pus in my potions. I ached from the snaps at my fingers from chomping cabbages I grew. I was allergic to wool and all my jumpers were made of it. My nerves scratched from the inside. I felt… pain.

I was overstaying my welcome. As much as I wanted to lose myself in this world, I couldn't leave the one good thing in my real life: my sister. Vera had sacrificed her dreams to become a writer and travel the world, in hopes I could have a better future than the one our parents left us. My mum died from cancer; father quickly found another woman and left. I had a responsibility to go back; there was no one else. I would sooner burn the world than let my sister be left alone in it.

But the game wasn't my only concern. It was those two—my Slytherin mates Sebastian Sallow and Ominis Gaunt. All the other students and teachers acted the same all seven playthroughs. But in my sixth, I noticed a glitch—a diversion from Sebastian and Ominis' normal behaviors, as if they knew what was going on. That I was not myself, but another looking in. I took it as a joke or a treat from the devs, perhaps an online update to unnerve players like me who kept repeating the game.

Sebastian reacted as if he knew I was on another playthrough. He pushed me to go to Hogsmeade and spend eternity with him. Ominis confirmed it, clearly knowing how I felt about the two and my need to replay over and over again. He even taught me about the timer: the failure countdown that would trigger when the game realized I was walking away from the critical path. Unfortunately in both instances, the game looped. The boys completely forgot everything that was said, and the anomalies never occurred again.

But in my seventh playthrough, the two became clingier. Needier. Ominis was always a gentleman, but he stalked my actions with a strong vigilance. Not a single quest nor pilfered vault was done without his knowledge, accompanied by even more comments about my friendships with Natty, Amit, and other students. After I had refused to help the pureblood-crazed Duncan Hobhouse with his Herbology quest, he trip-jinxed the Ravenclaw—several times. No longer scolding me for accessing the Undercroft, Ominis remained kind and relaxed in my presence. But to others? An absolute menace.

And Sebastian? Well, Sebastian kept getting close. Physically close. Previously simple nods were replaced with pats on the shoulder. Innocent brushes against skin whilst passing in the hallways. Our hands touched more, as if consciously acted upon while passing books or sharing snacks. It was to the point I could regularly sense his breath at my side. He did not even ask me to take the Cruciatus curse, instead forcing me to learn it and cast it on him. Sebastian was changing in ways I could not understand, though perhaps in my naivety, I was reveling in it.

I happily enjoyed the changes in Ominis and Sebastian's behavior for a while, because... why not? The game was originally supposed to have relationships anyway. Much like other devoted fans, I had dug into the UE tools and read through the original files and developer notes. Player backgrounds, restricted areas, romantic relationships. A reference to the Gaunt House. As much as I wanted all these things and more, the game was coded and shipped this way. So I made do with what I could, taking pleasure in the strange behaviorisms when they did. I won't lie—I was impressed by the idea the devs had it in them to write something like DDLC or The Stanley Parable, rewarding repeating players like me with gameplay shifts like this. But perhaps I was a fool to think this was all done on purpose.

In between exams and college prep and scholarship submissions, the game was my heaven. It was my hell. It was all that I had going for me while I aimlessly studied toward a prospective future as a doctor, in order to pay back my sister's efforts in dividends. But I had not done everything yet. If I wanted the Hogsmeade shop, I would have to play on console. So, I did. For my seventh playthrough, I purchased the game again on PS5 and played with no mods, no free camera, no cosmetic changes, and no cheats. For once, it was the original.

I platinum'd the game. I did it all. Every collection chest. Every beast acquired. Every damned Merlin trial, even the stupid four in one hamlet—because why not. I followed the butterflies to the ends of the map, and held my weight ten times more in gear and galleons.

But the victory was hollow. Again I awoke in these velvet sheets, days after the game's end. Both madness and helplessness are overtaking my mind. I don't know what to do. Where I am supposed to go. My skin is breaking into hives. My hair is too long and unkempt. My thighs are scarred from digging in frustration, trying to remember what my actual body feels like.

I need to escape before I lose myself. Before I become lost in this beautiful, artificial world. Nothing feels right. Nothing is right. My lungs are filling and my chest rises, but at this point, I can't tell if there is air.