Author's Note: Hi everyone, it's Sharkinator627 back at it again. It's been awhile since I've posted, partially because I had a lot going on in my life, and partially because I've been wanting to move on. However, I've finally watched Puss In Boots The Last Wish and really liked it. I also heard that Shrek 5 is now in the works, which I am thrilled about, being a franchise so near and dear to me. This is gonna be my attempt at it, which will be part warfic, part Puss/Kitty romance, and all classic Shrek shenanigans. Enjoy the show and feel free to comment (I greatly appreciate it). Gonna roll with a T rating just to be safe, for mainly violence, language, some sexual content and mature themes.

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Chapter One: Puss's Bachelor Party

Once upon a time, there was a merry band of misfits that lived in the great kingdom of Far Far Away. These were a rough bunch, with eternal friendship forged in fire. Shrek, Fiona, Donkey and Dragon had all settled down into their happy domestic lives, and Puss In Boots had rekindled a long lost lover and gained a new friend having come to terms with his mortality.

But there was darkness coming to Far Far Away. Emperor Frederick Ubermensch II of Deuscha had harnessed the power of fire and steel, and was ready to finish what his long lost mentor had started. It began one night in a popular tavern…

After years of going their separate ways, the power trio was reunited in Far Far Aways notorious Poison Apple Tavern. Shrek and Donkey had wondered what had happened to Puss In Boots after his baking mishap a few years ago with Gingy. For all they knew, he was long gone. So Shrek and Donkey were both surprised and relieved to be reunited with their feline companion once again.

"Cheers," said Shrek as he raised his beer mug, "to old friends."

The trio toasted their beers before downing them.

"I have to admit Puss," said Donkey, "after a while, we all thought you were dead."

"Oh but Senor," said Puss, "I was, more than a few times." He drooped down, reflecting on eight lives of recklessness, as well as his encounters with the Angel of Death himself. But then he remembered, "Which is why eventually I decided to grow up."

"Fine way of doing it too," said Shrek, "Fiona says that Kitty chick sure checks out."

"Woman," said Puss, "not chick. And this wedding is long overdue."

"I'll drink to that," said Donkey as he sipped his beer again.

"Donkey," said Shrek, "you'll drink to anything in the right setting."

Meanwhile at the bar, Pinnocio tried to order another beer. "Another one," he said in his shrill voice.

"No thanks," said the bartender, a bald, buff man in an apron sporting a goatee, "I think you've had enough!"

"I have not," snapped Pinocchio, causing his nose to grow.

"Sit down before you hurt yourself," said the bartender.

"Okay," said Pinocchio before passing out on his back.

Back at the table, Donkey asked Puss, "So who is she anyways?"

"Long story," replied Puss, "but you see, I was once a bit of a fuckboy in my youth."

"You don't say," interrupted Shrek.

"Cállate la boca," snapped Puss, "Anyhow, one day I met this insanely skilled cat burglar, who unbeknownst to me was working for a childhood friend turned my personal nemesis. Bastard Egg."

"I don't get it," said Donkey.

"I'm getting there," said Puss, "anyhow, this burglar, who I hit with a guitar, turned out to be this beautiful young lady, Kitty Softpaws."

"Reminds me of someone I know," said Donkey, looking at Shrek.

Shrek ignored him and asked Puss to continue, which Puss obliged. "Anyhow, five lives later and several mishaps and we agreed to tie the knot."

"So why didn't you," asked Shrek.

"I got cold feet, panicked and ran," said Puss, "eventually went down to Barcelona and engorged myself on shrimp."

"But Puss," said Donkey, "aren't you…"

"Allergic," replied Puss, "yes. I died because I couldn't care less about life at the moment." Puss looked sad briefly, before perking back up. "But then I met you guys, and you all know the rest. Bottoms up!"

Puss took a big gulp of beer before throwing his mug across the room, knocking the Big Bad Wolf out cold.

"Lo siento," called out Puss.

"You know what Puss," said Shrek, "you're alright. How about some friendly advice?"

"Si," said Puss.

"Don't let a good life go," said Shrek, "you never really know what you have until it's gone."

"Believe me," said Puss, "I.."

Wham!

Puss was interrupted when the door slammed open, revealing a great, long, red-legged scissor man and about four brown-clad mercenaries wielding muskets and sabres.

"Which one of you is Shrek," demanded the tall, slender red-haired man in a thick German accent. All of the patrons nervously pointed to the table our heroes occupied.

"Just be cool," said Donkey nervously, "I'm sure he's just asking for directions or something."

"Men don't ask for directions," chimed Puss.

"Shut up," said Shrek, "let me handle this."

The Tailor approached the trio, with the mercenaries circling around the bar, forming a perimeter.

"You," said the Tailor, pointing with his oversized scissors, "ogre and company have been requested by Emperor Frederick Ubermensch II of Deuscha. You can come quietly, by force, or," he said with a demented grin on his face, "I could just take your thumbs as proof of death."

Snip! Snip!

"Ah, you're loony," said Shrek, "that's no way to talk to a donkey. He doesn't even have thumbs."

Donkey gave Shrek a look that said "really bro." Shrek ignored him and thought up a way out of this situation.

"I am not amused," said the Tailor. "Now come with us or die!"

Shrek saw the mercenaries closing in, and nervously said to the tailor "Can't we just settle this over a pint?"

"Nein," replied the Tailor.

"Okay then," said Shrek, nodding to Donkey and Puss, before throwing his beer mug at one of the taps. "Have at it."

The tidal wave of beer flooded the tavern, knocking two mercenaries off their feet, and starting a free-for-all brawl in the place.

"Feed me," said Puss as he leapt out in front of the Tailor with his Rapier drawn, "if you dare!"

"I'll show you," said the Tailor, who then swung his scissors at the cat, who proceeded to leap over them.

"I'll have to be quick about this," said Puss as he slashed his signature P on the Tailor's cheek, "after all, I have a wedding tomorrow."

Meanwhile, Shrek remembered his WWE Smackdown moves as he pinned a mercenary to the ground with his legs.

"Don't go anywhere," he said to his opponent, who was reaching desperately for his musket.

Shrek reached onto a nearby table for a wine bottle, and broke it over the head of the mercenary, knocking him out cold.

Smack!

Shrek felt a wooden chair break over his head while he was still down. He turned and saw Pinocchio.

"Bar fight," yelled the completely hammered puppet.

Shrek gave Pinocchio a look of disapproval before clocking him, knowing the puppet was safer unconscious than he was awake in a drunken brawl.

"Shrek," yelled Donkey as he kicked another mercenary out a window, "Check on Puss!"

Shrek nodded and waded his way throughout the disorderly crowd, pushing away anyone who got too close as he made his way to the duel between Puss and the mysterious Tailor.

"I gotcha," yelled a mercenary as he swung his saber at Shrek.

Shrek simply dodged it and grabbed the mercenary into the air, before slamming him down on his knee and casting him aside.

"Hold still Katze," said the Tailor as he repeatedly snipped in the direction of Puss, who dodged and parried every one.

"Let me say this in Spanish," replied Puss nonchalantly, "No!"

"Hey stupid," said a Scottish accented voice behind the Tailor.

"What," said the annoyed Tailor, who foolishly turned his back on Puss, only to be confronted by a wooden chair in the face from Shrek. The Tailor howled in pain, only for Puss to stab him in the rear, inflicting even more pain.

The Tailor, now furious but disoriented, made his way to what looked like a musket on the floor.

"Shrek," called out Donkey as he kicked another mercenary across the room, "check it out." He kicked a drunk patron that was about to attack him with a broken bottle, "I'm a mean lean kicking machine!"

"That'll do Donkey," called back Shrek as he nonchalantly knocked out another drunk patron that was trying to get him from behind, "That'll do."

Puss, meanwhile, was engaged in another sword fight with the last standing mercenary.

"You fight like a child," said Puss as he parried the enemy blade. "All energy and no skill." He then slid under the mercenary and slashed both legs. The mercenary collapsed in pain. Puss then walked on his enemy's back and stomped the back of the head, rendering him unconscious.

As the three friends fought as valiantly as they could under the influence, with many random people doing the same to each other, a shot rang out, grinding the brawl to a halt.

Bang!

"Enough," commanded the Tailor, who pointed a musket into the air. "All of you, stop fighting each other!"

"You started this," said Shrek, "but what did I do to you?"

"It's not about me," said the Tailor, "it's about something even greater. Enjoy the last night of freedom, fairy tale Ungeziefer. The emperor is coming to purge Far Far Away of your vile presence."

"You are a bully and a coward," said Puss, "and you have no authority here!"

"But I will soon," said the Tailor, "under the coming occupation by Deuscha. All of you will be put in your place. Gute Nacht."

The Tailor then walked out, leaving a great sense of discomfort in his wake. All of the patrons couldn't help but wonder, who was this guy?