Author's Note: For those of you who don't know, the Great Tall Tailor was inspired by an actual kid's story from Germany. For those of you who know the story of Little Sucka Thumb, you'd see why he'd be a good villain.
Chapter Two: The Cat's Big Day
The cathedral in the heart of Far Far Away was packed with guests, some of which they knew, and others were random citizens wanting to catch a glimpse of their heroes. Here, Kitty Softpaws was getting ready with Princess Fiona. After her last great adventure, she knew that Puss In Boots, her beloved, was no longer the arrogant, egotistical manchild she knew in her youth, or at least, not the one who ditched her in Santa Coloma.
"I heard the boys got themselves into trouble last night," said Fiona.
"Puss is good at that," replied Kitty, "he's a magnet for trouble. Can never really stay away from danger. At least now he's not downright suicidal."
"Didn't sound like his fault," said Fiona, "or Shrek's or even Donkey's. The knight's official report was that some maniac with scissors came in with four friends and demanded my husband for seemingly no reason."
"That can't be all," said Kitty.
"Well it did turn into a full on barfight."
"Ah yes," said Kitty, "I've been in my share of those, as well as prison fights, and street fights," she continued listing down the types of fights she was in "school fights, ship fights, family fights and foodfights. I guess we both like to live dangerously."
Meanwhile in the sanctuary, Puss In Boots stood next to Perrito, his best man, Shrek and Donkey.
"What happened Puss," asked Perrito, "I heard you got in a bar fight last night."
"For the record, Perrito," said Puss, "I didn't even get hit, you should ask Shrek and the ass if they're okay."
"Why did you do it," asked Perrito, begging to know what happened, "why did you get in trouble." Perrito worked the puppy dog eyes to get a confession.
"Aww," said Donkey, caught up in the little dog's spell, "he's so adorable."
"I never thought of you as a dog person," said Shrek, "but he must really like you."
"You have no idea," said Puss before looking back at Perrito. "Look," he said annoyedly, "it wasn't my fault. Some asshat tailor came in demanding Shrek and threatened to cut off our thumbs."
"Oh my," said Perrito, "that sounds scary."
"We've all been through worse," said Puss, "besides, a little action here and there is healthy. Reminds you how great being alive is." Puss nervously looked into the crowd, scanning for the wolf. When he didn't see him, he sighed in relief and focused back on Perrito. "Also, I need to stay at the top of my game, especially tonight."
"What happens tonight," asked Perrito, "can I come?"
"No," said Puss, Shrek and Donkey in unison.
"Why," asked Perrito, "And why do they get to?"
"They aren't," replied Puss, before looking upwards at nothing in particular with a lustful look in his eyes, "It'll be just me and Kitty. A night of passion! Hehehe."
"What's passion," asked Perrito innocently.
"Mommies and Daddies," answered Shrek discreetly. "Grown up stuff."
"Ooohhh," said Perrito, "does this mean you two are gonna have kittens? Because that would be awesome! It'd be a massive cute-fest! Eeee!"
"Oh," chimed Donkey, "can you name one after me?"
"No," said Puss.
"Please," asked Donkey.
"No," said Puss again, "and we are not having kids yet."
Back in the dressing room, Kitty and Fiona were wrapping up their conversation before heading out.
"I don't know," said Kitty, "maybe kittens wouldn't be such a bad thing. Puss has grown up since the last time you saw him."
"You will still have time to think it over if he's not ready," said Fiona.
"I am not ready," said Puss to Shrek and Donkey, "besides," he gestured to Perrito, "I have him. He's like a child."
"Well you do a good enough job with mine from time to time," said Shrek. "Besides, I'm sure Kitty is contemplating the same thing right now."
"No she's not," said Puss.
"Sure it'd be hard on me," said Kitty to Fiona, "but I'm a big girl, I can take it. And with only one life left, I'm sure Puss is open to the idea."
"I am not doing this," said an even more frustrated Puss.
"They'd all be so adorable with both our good looks," said Kitty, all starry eyed, "we should get them all little matching boots."
"That'd be eighteen years of no sleep," said Puss, "and I need to be my sharpest in the field."
"I should name one of them Gatito," said Kitty, flustered.
"I'm done talking about this," said Puss.
"Ready to go," asked Fiona.
"Yeah," said Kitty, now fantasizing about her future with Puss, "let's do it."
Back in the main hall, the bridal chorus played as Kitty Softpaws walked down the aisle. Puss stood nervously, but remained where he was, as he was not willing to leave her again.
"I say we settle this here," said Donkey.
"Shut up," said Puss.
Puss looked at Kitty again, who was now looking uncharacteristically giddy. Puss could only wonder what had gotten into her.
"Hi Puss," said Kitty, "I heard about last night."
"And you aren't disappointed," asked Puss confusedly.
"Not really," replied Kitty, "I kind of expected it from you, being the fearless hero that you are."
"If it makes you feel better," said Puss, before he was interrupted.
"We should name our firstborn Gatito," said Kitty.
Shrek and Donkey grinned and nodded at Puss, knowing exactly where this conversation was going.
"Hold up there Senora," said Puss, "how can you be sure that…"
"I want kittens Puss," said Kitty, "now that you've finally decided to become an adult and we're together, I think I'm ready. We can even get them matching boots like us!"
"Oh Dios por qué," thought Puss, "she's got the baby rabies now."
Just then, the priest spoke. "Mawaige," he said "mawaige is the howy union of man and woman."
Shrek and Donkey couldn't help but snicker when they noticed the priest's speech impediment.
"Is sowmething funny," asked the priest.
"No, no," said Shrek, "you just reminded me it's wabbit season. Continue."
Just outside, a large procession approached the cathedral. This procession made up of about two dozen soldiers armed with swords, longbows, and muskets. There were also three carriages being pulled by white horses and riding shotgun in the front carriage was the Great Tall Tailor. Red and black banners flew from the carriages, signifying the feared Empire of Deuscha.
Back inside, Puss took a deep breath before citing his vows.
"I," he said "Puss In Boots, vow to honor and cherish you, in sickness and health until death do us part."
"And," added Kitty teasingly.
"And to not run off like the deadbeat I was again," said Puss begrudgingly, "there! Happy?"
"Muy bien," said Kitty smuggly. "I, Kitty Softpaws, vow to honor and cherish you, in sickness and health until death do us part."
"Thwen by the pwower invwested in mwe, I now pronounce you hwusband and wife. You may now kiss the bwide."
"Kitty," said Puss, "before we do this, I just want you to know that…"
"I know what you're going to say," interrupted Kitty, "and I know you need time."
"Gracias," said Puss, before he went all in on his now wife.
Meanwhile, Perrito and Donkey were sobbing tears of joy, seeing that one of their best friends has finally found his match.
"It's enough to make a grown ass cry," said Donkey.
"Aww," said Perrito, "they're so cuuute!"
Wham!
Just then, the door swung open, revealing a tall, muscular man with blonde hair and blue eyes, wearing plate armor covered in medals, a crown on his head, and a long, flowing crimson cape. The man was escorted by at least six servants, a dozen soldiers, and the Tailor.
The man snapped his fingers, and his trumpeters played a fanfare that echoed throughout the cathedral (which sounds suspiciously like the opening to the Horst Wessel Lied).
"Greetings," said the man, "I am Emperor Frederick Ubermensch II of of Deuscha," he bowed down, "here to pay my respects to the current regime."
"What do you mean current," demanded Queen Lillian.
"Don't read too much into it," replied Emperor Frederick, "it only means I'm going to soon bulldozen this pest-ridden cesspool you call a kingdom."
"Hold up there blondie," snapped Shrek, "you have no right to come here and talk down to us! So take your entourage and your creepy henchman, and get the hell out of here."
"Bold move, Shrek," said Emperor Frederick, "assuming that's who you are. But as you see," his soldiers raised their muskets and bows, "I have the bigger guns."
"Hold up, hold up," interrupted Donkey, "this is a place of holy! The Lawd don't want us fighting in here!"
"I agree," said Puss, "let's do this behind Burger Prince."
"Hey," said Kitty, "this is a wedding! Don't you have any respect for peaceful ceremonies? I want to kill you on principle!"
The priest buried his face in his Bible, filled with disappointment. "Some days you just cwan't win," he muttered to himself.
Puss and Kitty drew their swords, ready to fight their way out, along with Shrek, Donkey, and the rest of the fairy tale gang ready for another fight.
"Guys," said Fiona, "are you all sure about this?"
"Yes," said Shrek, "I've been itching to bash that creepy tailor's head in since last night."
"Yeah," said Donkey, "I'm ready for some more asskicking!"
"I love a little action," said Kitty.
"Si," said Puss, "I've been waiting for a rematch!"
"Well I'll make sure there's plenty of cake left at the reception," said Fiona, "don't hurt yourselves boys!"
—-
Author's Note: Just so you know, the priest with the speech impediment is actually a reference to The Princess Bride. And damn does it feel good to be back. Remember to share your thoughts and you can expect the next chapter very soon!