Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds
Stuck in Radley's House
By Lucky_Ladybug
Notes: The characters from the show are not mine. This idiot OC and the story are mine! I apologize in advance for any brain-breaking or WTH moments experienced by reading this utter nonsense. I've tried hard not to make it completely tasteless, but I know it won't be everyone's cup of tea regardless. In particular, some of the descriptions of this idiot getting stuck and trying to figure out how to free him may be uncomfortable and offensive to some. There is also a lot of usage of the word "butt," which I deliberately avoid using most of the time. It seemed to work best to use it this time. Also, Malcolm says "fanny," but he only means the harmless American meaning and not the offensive way it's taken in some other countries. I've been keeping this to myself since January because of concerns over how it would be accepted, but Radley's reactions to this moron OC's behavior amused me so much that I wanted to post it anyway. Can you tell I really enjoyed Winnie-the-Pooh and the Honey Tree as a kid? I find the trope much funnier with someone who deserves the humiliation, however. And there is a rather sad lack of non-sexual stories online about getting stuck, for some reason. It certainly doesn't always have to lead to naughty-naughty situations!
It should have been a simple prank.
Malcolm's Crew delighted in all manner of childish pranks and terrorizing behavior. Several of the top men always hung around the town square to torment newcomers and anyone else they could. Crewmember initiations always involved pulling pranks on Radley and the Bunch to get them to react. Sometimes, some of the more longstanding members wanted to get in on it too.
The plan was to stuff a pair of pants and stick the seat of it in Radley's window. It was crude, and hilariously so to the Crewmembers planning it, and one delightedly volunteered to do it.
Malcolm was unaware of the idea, but it seemed so right. Radley didn't like anything crude or crass. He didn't let the Bunch dance things like the Booty Scooty in the diner (although of course he figured what they did in their homes was their business). If Malcolm's men tried to do anything immature, he mocked them (if Malcolm didn't scold them first). Malcolm himself, despite not always being very mature either, expected his men to hold to a certain standard of dignity. Well, this Crewmember was tired of false politeness and not doing what he'd really like to do. He would teach Radley a lesson when he came home.
It took some time to jimmy the window open. When he did, he held up the stuffed pair of pants and then promptly frowned. It would be picked out as fake immediately, even with the beach balls they'd put in to make it especially big and round. They should really have something that would make a better impression. And why use a fake butt when there was a perfectly good real one right there?
He looked behind himself at his plump derriere, very striking as always in his form-fitting jeans. He had always been proud of it. Most others mocked him for taking such pride in it, but he paid them no heed. Now they would see how useful it was.
He bent over, pointed his huge behind upward, and started to attempt to push it through the opening in the window. This would make a very crude point. He would just hold himself there until Radley came, which shouldn't be too long. Radley had just gone to the store for a few items.
For some reason, it never occurred to him how stupid it would look to anyone who might see him from outside, crouched over with only his bottom through the window. And he also never thought about the problem that his backside was larger than the window he was trying to use.
It was annoying how hard it was to fit it in there. Did Radley have small windows? He wiggled some more, backing up against the wall. It might take some clever manipulating to squeeze through a space smaller than his butt, but he was sure he could do it. As he pushed some more, it finally went in little by little. At last he could feel the bottom of the windowpane against the top of his butt. He just needed to slide it in a little more ... a little more... The window groaned as it was pushed up more, but it had no choice but to go.
Yes, this was perfect. He wiggled it again, pushing it in a little farther. Finally it popped out freely on the other side, filling the window and stretching out over the edges. It was just as he had imagined. What he wouldn't give to see Radley's expression upon finding a big, glorious tushie in his front window! He would show it off, tell Radley just what he thought of him, and everyone would praise his genius. They would also praise his butt at long last, instead of making fun of him for being obsessed with it.
Again he shifted, and the window scraped against his jeans. Wait... He would be able to get out again after the prank, wouldn't he? It had been so hard to push it in there, and yet he hadn't really thought ...
He tugged and pulled. Nothing. His rear end didn't budge one millimeter. Of course it didn't, not when it was bigger than the window. He reached behind himself, trying to push his butt down while sliding it back through the window. The girth bubbled up around his hand and he just scraped the skin pulling it back out in defeat. Trying on either side had the same result.
"It's like a cartoon!" he said in disbelief.
Well, when in Rome... He placed his feet on the wall of the house and pulled with all his might while bracing himself with his hands. Surely that would help. Instead, it did nothing. He pulled until he was red in the face and sore in the butt from the strain. Every bit of natural booty was firmly planted in Radley's front window, just like he'd wanted. He had performed all manner of contortions to get it in there. But he hadn't wanted to not be able to retrieve it after the showing.
"Oh no," he whispered as he was finally forced to accept the idiotic truth. "My butt's really stuck!"
He struggled for several more minutes, squirming from one side to the other as he strained and pulled. His butt stubbornly refused to move ... at least, not the way he wanted. Every attempt to get free only seemed to wedge it in even tighter, if anything. By now, the pinching was starting to hurt.
At last he slumped over in defeat. Radley would definitely find him, but it looked like the joke would be on him.
Malcolm was not going to like this.
xxxx
The last thing Radley expected to see upon entering his house from the side door was a large posterior spilling out of his open living room window. No sign of the rest of the person, even legs; there was just that one, thankfully clothed body part that was clearly bigger than the space it was occupying.
His immediate reaction was utter and complete "What the hell is this?!" Spoken silently, but spoken all the same. Then, frowning thoughtfully, he approached the idiotic sight with a finger to his chin.
Well, obviously this must have something to do with Malcolm's Crew. Was there actually a person on the other side of the window, or was this a stuffed seat of a pair of pants meant as an elaborate prank?
It would be easy enough to go back outside and find out. But for the moment, he was annoyed just enough that he felt like freaking the possible person out. If it was a person, they weren't moving or calling for help. Clearly they were either stuck and not wanting to advertise it or trying to do something childish by having their backside in his window.
"Ooh, what have we here?" he mocked. "Did someone get stuck?" No response, which only furthered his belief that this was a prank. If they genuinely wanted help, they wouldn't stay silent. "Or maybe they want me to get a message from this," he continued. "Then they'd better be prepared to take a message back. I'm holding a tire iron. Maybe I'll give them a few good whacks for being so naughty-naughty."
He wasn't actually holding anything, but as he came closer he saw the rear stiffen. Yes, there was definitely someone attached to it. Sneering, he picked up a back scratcher Scotch had left lying around and started running it over the bottom very lightly, creating a tickle motion.
The intruder stiffened more, completely not expecting that. Soon the behind trembled. As Radley continued tickling with the back scratcher, it shook and shook as the guy attached to it couldn't help but burst out laughing.
"Stop! Stop!" he finally gasped. "Have mercy! I was trying to pull a prank and it went wrong. I really did get stuck!" The bottom wiggled. "I can't get out!"
Radley stopped tickling, slinging the back scratcher over his shoulder. "Hmm." He studied the situation. "Well, I'd say it serves you right, only this affects me too. I really don't want your rear end sticking out of my window. It's hardly pleasant living room decor."
"... So what are you going to do?!" the guy cried.
"Apparently you're in there so snug you can't laugh yourself free," Radley remarked. "I could have some of the Bunch try to kick you out ... literally."
It stiffened again. "No!"
"Then what do you suggest? I don't recommend starving you until you lose enough weight to slip out, like they did to Winnie the Pooh," Radley quipped. "I have no intention of framing your bottom like it's a great work of art or pretending it's a trophy on a mantle."
"Can't you just ... push my butt out?"
"Quite frankly, I don't want to touch you there," Radley said. "I was tickling you with a back scratcher, not my hands. I could see if some of the Bunch can push you out, but they might play rough. On the other hand, that might be the only way to remove you."
A heavy sigh. "Okay, okay. Just ... please don't tell Malcolm what I did? I'll be a laughingstock and they'll use my tushie for target practice!"
"You don't mean they'd hurt you?" Radley quirked an eyebrow.
"I'd never live it down! They'd draw a target on my poor little butt and keep kicking it or maybe even throwing darts at it!"
Little? Radley couldn't help thinking.
Aloud, he sneered and said, "Hmm, that's an idea."
The backside stiffened again.
"Relax. We don't do things like that," Radley said. "But I can't promise not to say anything. This is outrageous and unacceptable. And my window was locked. Obviously you unlocked it just to put your bottom there. I have every right to complain."
It sagged. "Yeah, I guess so."
"All's fair in love and war, after all." Radley picked up his phone to call Scotch.
At that moment, the door opened and Virgil walked in. "Hey, Radley. What ..." His eyes widened in shock. "There's a butt in your window!"
Radley sighed. Virgil knew Radley didn't like crude words like that. On the other hand, Radley himself occasionally used them as an insult if he didn't like the person or the actions. He never used them to refer to people he cared about.
"Yes, one of Malcolm's Crew broke into my house with his posterior ... on purpose," he dryly added. "Now it's stuck."
"What?!" Virgil glowered at the large rump. "Let's kick it loose!"
"No!" the guy wailed. "I've got sensitive skin! It'll bruise for a month!"
"Sounds good to me! A nice big bruise in the shape of my shoe!" Virgil moved to charge the window.
Radley held out an arm to stop him. "Sometimes the best revenge is kindness," he said. "Think about it. Malcolm would expect us to hurt this guy pretty bad. I'm sure that's what his men would do. If we just calmly extract him from my window without hurting him, it will give Malcolm something to be baffled about."
Virgil paused, frowning. Radley had a good point, really. And he was a nice guy in general. It wouldn't be like him to really hurt someone defenseless, even if that someone was trying to insult him by sticking his giant buttocks through Radley's window.
"Okay, so what do we do?" he asked.
"You and some of the others can try pushing him out," Radley said. "Feel free to use a towel to avoid direct contact."
Virgil heaved a sigh. "Fine. But what if it doesn't work?"
"You have my permission to be as rough as you need to ... within reason," Radley said. "Don't deliberately hurt him, but do what you have to do to get him out of the window."
Virgil leered at the sight. "Works for me."
The guy moaned. "My butt's already sore from trying to get out!"
"Well, that's the natural consequences of what you've done," Radley replied, leaning on the wall next to the window with one arm. "We can't just leave you stuck here because your bottom is sore."
"Why do you say that word anyway?" the guy asked. "Why don't you say 'butt'?"
Radley smirked wider. "Do you want me to?" He looked highly entertained, but Virgil knew him well enough to know he was getting mad. This entire situation was asinine, and pointless questions weren't helping.
"I'm just wondering," the guy said.
"If I thought you wanted me to, I'd be even less inclined to say it than I normally am," Radley grinned.
Virgil had to snark at that.
The guy muttered something unintelligible.
"But if you really want a reason, I simply don't like the word," Radley continued. "I might feel frustrated enough by you to say it now, only since you're already saying it enough for the three of us put together, I prefer countering it with other terms."
With that, he pushed away from the wall and returned his attention to his phone. He wanted this nonsense brought to a stop now.
Scotch swiftly answered the phone when Radley called. "Hey, Radley! What's up?"
Radley hesitated, his finger hovering over the holograph projector. "I'm afraid we have a problem," he said. "One of Malcolm's men wanted to insult me, so he broke into my window and put his bottom in it. Now he's stuck."
Dead silence.
"Are you serious?!" Scotch exclaimed. "... Oh, I know you wouldn't make it up, Radley, but ... gosh!"
"Yeah, I know," Radley said. "Can you and some of the others come over and push him out? Virgil's already here."
"We're coming!" Scotch promised.
In a moment Radley heard Scotch yelling in the background. "Guys, some idiot got his butt stuck in Radley's window! We have to go push him out!"
Billy snorted. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah, he's from Malcolm's Crew!" Scotch said. "He did it on purpose!"
"And just when I thought they couldn't get any stupider," Clint snorted.
Radley giggled as he hung up. "You're most definitely going to be a laughingstock for this," he said. "None of my men will forget it."
Another hopeless tug. "And all I wanted was for people to appreciate my beautiful butt," he moaned.
"It hardly looks beautiful when it's crammed into my window," Radley remarked. "And if you think so highly of it, why use it to do something so crass?"
A sigh. "Because I thought my buddies would get a kick out of it. It was bold and brazen and ..."
"And idiotic," Radley said flatly. "Why not go into the fashion industry and show it off there? You could be respected for it, sashaying down the catwalk."
"... A model?" A long pause. "Yeah, that's a great idea! ... If it's still okay when I get free..."
"Unless you've just padded it and it might not keep its shape, everything should be fine aside from some soreness and bruising," Radley said.
An insulted wiggle. "It's all real! I didn't even have any procedures; it's completely natural and I got it this way on purpose! I'm proud to show it off!"
Radley didn't look impressed. "Honestly, I think it's more attractive not to over-accentuate it. People are far too interested in that part of the body these days. But you live your life the way you feel best ... as long as you don't encroach on other people's rights, like you're doing to me right now."
The guy just muttered under his breath.
Soon the door opened and more of the Bunch came in. "Hi, Radley! We're here!" Scotch greeted, and then did a doubletake. "Oh wow, that is a ..."
Radley held up his hands. "Just please get his bottom out of my window?"
Billy looked disgusted but nodded. "Let's get to it."
Radley draped a towel over the massive derriere and Billy, Scotch, and Virgil leaned on it with shoulders and hands.
"... This really is stuck," Billy scowled after several moments of vain pushing.
"And it's not soft!" Scotch grimaced.
"... Of course not! It's muscle!" the guy insisted.
"Then it shouldn't be so sensitive, should it?" Radley said dryly. "It's probably just so stuck it seems firm. Maybe some of us could pull while the others push?"
"Sure," Virgil said.
Radley went outside with several others and they grabbed the guy's arms.
"Okay," Radley called. "Push!"
"Heave-ho!" Scotch called back.
Again they struggled. The bottom was not budging no matter what they did or how they fought with it. It was as if nothing has been done at all.
Finally those pulling let go and slumped on the porch railing in exhaustion. Those pushing rocked back and just stared at the object of their aggravation. Virgil looked very close to just punching it dead-center.
"... I don't like to say this when we're all uncomfortable enough already, but since it's larger than the window, maybe instead of pushing on its front, it should be pressed on either side to try to make it small enough to squeeze back through," Radley said at last. "It must have had such pressure courtesy of the window when he was pushing it in, but there isn't any leverage to do it from the other direction unless we provide it."
"Oh, ugh," Billy grunted.
Scotch made a squeezing gesture in the air with his hands. "I get it! Yeah, that might work!"
Virgil scowled. "We'll need a fourth person. Two on each side."
"Don't crush my beautiful butt!" the guy wailed.
"They'll only apply enough pressure to get the job done," Radley said firmly. "Just like you did in the first place."
Virgil and Jimmy got on the left, while Billy and Scotch got on the right. As they squeezed the large behind from either side, it did start to slip back through the window … slightly. But then it wedged even tighter and no amount of pushing or pulling could budge it further. Now it looked arguably even more ridiculous, tightly crammed into every part of the window instead of the fleshy parts spilling over.
"What is the matter with this thing?!" Virgil finally snarled. "The window itself should keep it small enough to squeeze through the rest of the way now!"
Now the guy was starting to panic. "What am I gonna do?! My poor, beautiful butt!" He sobbed in despair. "It's pressed so tight it feels numb and squashed! I'm gonna havta walk around with a window on it forever! No one will ever be able to appreciate its majesty!"
"... You've really got issues," Clint scoffed.
"I love my butt!" the guy wailed. "I eat fattening foods and wear all the best pants to give it everything a butt could need!"
"Will you stop saying that stupid word?!" Billy finally burst out. "No one can even take you seriously when you talk like that!"
"... Could he really be taken seriously with talk like that no matter what he called it?" Clint retorted. "I would still think he was crazy if he said 'bottom' like Radley does."
Radley slumped against the banister. He agreed with both of them, but he hardly wanted to talk about any of that right then. He just wanted this ... thing out of his window.
"Being gentle is not helping," he said. "We've only made it worse. We'll have to try being more forceful."
"If that's the only way to get it out," the guy whimpered.
"We'll see," Radley said. "Virgil? Would you do the honors?"
Virgil sneered. "Oh yeah."
Seeing his expression through the top half of the window, Radley wondered if he'd made a mistake.
Virgil was all too gleeful in gearing up, jumping up, and giving that behind a resounding kick right in the center. His foot pressed down in the blubber and he stumbled, falling backwards and almost toppling to the floor before Jimmy caught him. "What the ... ?!"
"Are you okay?!" Radley exclaimed.
"Yeah," Virgil muttered. "Why is it suddenly soft now?!"
"A defense mechanism?" Clint said sarcastically.
"... Maybe it requires at least two people to kick it," Radley mused.
"Yeah! One on each side!" Scotch said gleefully.
"Nooo!" the guy moaned.
"Hey, you brought this on yourself, you know," Radley said. "I could call the paramedics?"
"... There's way too many people here already!" the guy said. "Just kick me out! I don't want the paramedics here!"
"Okay then." Radley gestured, and Scotch hurried to get over by Virgil.
"On three," Virgil said.
"And if this doesn't work, I really am calling the paramedics," Radley said. "As ticked off as I am at you right now, I don't want to really hurt you."
Virgil counted, and he and Scotch jumped in the air and each thrust out a foot to connect with opposite sides of the huge butt. Their shared force worked and at last it popped free, sending the guy tumbling over himself with a scream. "MybuttmybuttmyBUUUUTT!" He collapsed on the porch, sobbing and rubbing his derriere with both hands. "My poor innocent tushie-tush... Did the mean men hurt you? I'm so sorry for what Daddy did to you! I never should have stuck you in that window!"
Radley twirled his forefinger around his temple in the "crazy" gesture. He was patient, but he'd had more than enough. "Get out of here," he said in utter annoyance. "Unless you really are hurt."
The guy scrambled up, still exaggerating the pain. "I'm out of here! I'm gonna go put my butt in a sling." He ran down the stairs and limped off.
"Oh brother," Virgil snorted, looking out the window. "Malcolm sure knows how to pick 'em."
"Is there really a sling for that?" Scotch looked confused. "I thought that was an idiotic expression."
"It is an idiotic expression," Radley said wearily, "but I wouldn't put it past that guy to take off his red scarf and try to invent one for real."
"He'd look pretty stupid going around with a scarf holding it up," Virgil snorted.
"I doubt it would be anywhere as stupid as what he was saying when we got him loose," Radley dryly smirked.
"Why are people so obsessed with that part of the body anyway?!" Scotch wondered. "What happened to beautiful eyes and hair and normal stuff like that?!"
Radley had to snark in spite of himself. "It's a mystery to me. But as long as that guy keeps his behind away from my windows, I couldn't care less."
That was when Scotch noticed the abandoned pair of pants laying on the porch. "Hey … what's this?" He lifted it up and took out one of the beach balls. "It looks like they tried to make this look like a big butt…."
Radley quirked an eyebrow. "I'm going to venture to say that originally, that may have been what would have gone in my window. Then, apparently, our friend decided to substitute his own substantial posterior for this one."
Billy rolled his eyes. "Oh brother."
Virgil snorted. "That wouldn't have even fit through the window. It probably would have broke if he'd tried to force it in like he did with his butt. Too bad his butt didn't break."
Radley just shook his head. "Now, now. He's an idiot and I'm mad, but I don't wish harm upon him. He's sore and bruised and humiliated. I'm pretty sure he's learned his lesson. That's good enough for me."
"You're a better person than me, Radley," Virgil said.
Radley managed a smile. "I don't blame you for being ticked off. Anyway, I don't really think you'd want him seriously hurt. Especially since with some of the backwards laws out there, he could probably sue me for damages if he felt like it, even though this mess was his own fault."
Virgil's expression twisted in disgust. "... You're right. I'd rather just forget the whole thing."
Scotch already wanted to move on. He took out the other beach ball and let the pants drop as he held his prizes in delight. "Can we keep these?!"
Radley had to laugh. "Well, why not. Let's get something out of this disaster. That will leave us better off than Malcolm."
"What do you think Malcolm will do?" Scotch wondered.
"Probably nothing until I tell him about it, which I'm going to," Radley said. "Then he'll probably scream and yell and tell the guy to 'take his big, oversized ... and get out.'"
"I'd pay to see that," Virgil said.
"Well," Radley said, "maybe we can get a front seat showing for free."
xxxx
They went to the Red Scarf Saloon to report the nonsense. Malcolm, who was drinking at the bar as usual, looked up in irritation at their arrival. "What do you want, Radley?" he grumped.
"I want to launch a formal complaint against one of your men," Radley said calmly. "He decided to pull a prank on me and he forced my window open to place his bottom in it. Then he proceeded to get himself stuck. We just spent over an hour removing his derriere."
Malcolm nearly spat out his alcohol. "What?!" he boomed. "You're trying to tell me one of my men put his fanny in your window and got it stuck there?!"
"Yes, that's exactly what I just told you," Radley replied.
"It's all true!" Billy insisted, and the rest of the Bunch nodded.
"I took pictures!" Scotch held up his phone.
Radley burst out laughing in shocked surprise. "Scotch!"
"What? We needed proof!" Scotch said.
Malcolm stared at the pictures in disbelief. Most were of the bottom alone, but a couple featured members of the Bunch. One showed Scotch holding up fingers like rabbit ears above it and giving a devilish smirk. Scotch had even taken video of himself and Virgil kicking it free. Malcolm fumed.
"And I hope you know we would never pull such a prank," Radley said. "This really is one of your men."
"Oh, I believe it!" Malcolm snorted. "I know just whose duff that is too! And I know just what to tell this fool and his oversized rear, and where they can go!"
In the doorway, the arriving Crewmember stared in horror and turned and fled. Although Malcolm didn't notice, Radley and the Bunch did.
"Somehow I don't think he'll be back," Radley remarked.
And he wasn't. For years they thankfully heard nothing more of him. Then one day while shopping in the City, Radley's lip curled in revulsion at the sight of a fashion magazine on a bookstore shelf.
Kalin followed his gaze. "... 'The best tush of the year'?" he read in disbelief.
The cover picture showed several clothed backsides.
Radley pointed at the one in the center. "I will sadly never be able to forget that derriere."
Kalin snorted. "What are you talking about? How could you recognize one of those?"
"It was stuck in my window for over an hour," Radley said dryly. "Not to mention I had to see it again whenever Scotch took out his pictures to laugh about it."
Kalin gave him a blank stare. "What."
Radley had to laugh at his expression. "I guess that's one story we didn't get around to sharing with you."
"It is," Kalin said.
"I'd rather forget it altogether," Radley said.
Scotch had to pick up the magazine and look. "... The guy's a model in Paris," he read in disbelief. "And he has social media accounts for his butt! He treats it like it's alive! He makes posts for it and talks about what it does and doesn't like! And he puts bows and bowties and junk on it while it's clothed and people take pictures of it!"
Radley slapped his forehead. "I knew he was loco."
"... Also, he's famous for getting it stuck places," Scotch said. "He's proud of it getting even bigger!"
"... You're kidding," Radley scoffed.
Scotch held up the magazine on a page showing the massive butt stuck in a restaurant's chair, with several people trying to pry it off. "Nope!"
"... Oh gosh," Radley groaned.
"He's well-known everywhere over there and they make special accomodations for him," Scotch said.
"I kinda regret giving him the idea now," Radley sighed.
"He's even embraced getting it stuck," Scotch said. "He considers it good publicity! A lot of people suspect he does it on purpose and some businesses consider it an honor if he chooses their place to stick his butt! It gives them a lot of business when he gets it stuck!"
Radley could only facepalm now. "Why... Just why..."
"... You have to tell me now," Kalin said. "Why was it stuck in your window?!"
Radley sighed but drew an arm around Kalin's shoulders as he led his friend away from the magazine rack. "Well, it all started when he decided, very foolishly, to play a prank..."