Chapter Four: The Calm Before the Storm
Shrek urgently packed up his chamber, urging Fiona to do the same. It wasn't every day that the Grim Reaper himself appeared and warned him that bad things were going to happen. And considering what happened in the church, fleeing seemed like a reasonable option.
"I'm telling you," said Shrek, "something bad is going to happen. I think Emperor Frederick is going to make good on his threat soon, if not tomorrow."
"Hold up," said Fiona, "what makes you think that Far Far Away is in any danger? And you're gonna scare the kids if you keep talking like that."
"How do you think I feel," replied Shrek, "I just watched Puss's now wife die, before being resurrected by the Angel of Death. And," he continued, "I could have joined her, but remained dead because only cats have nine lives! I'm absolutely terrified of what happens next!"
"Shouldn't we at least warn my mother," asked Fiona.
"Great idea," said Shrek, "go tell her that Emperor Blondie wants to come in and murder all fairy tale creatures."
"Shrek," said Fiona, "isn't this supposed to be serious?"
"Do I look like I'm playing around," replied Shrek, "innocent people are about to die, and I, first and foremost, want to make sure my family is safe."
"Hey," said Donkey as he walked in, "can you keep it down? My kids are trying to sleep."
"Might as well wake them," replied Shrek, "because we need to get the hell out of here!"
"Why's that," asked Donkey.
"Because when you were unconscious," said Shrek, "Puss's wife died and Death himself told us he expects to be really busy tomorrow. What do you think that means?"
"I thought that Puss and Kitty were in their chamber with a 'Do not disturb' sign over the door," replied Donkey.
"She still has a few lives left," answered Shrek, " which is far more than the rest of us."
Meanwhile in the throne room, Queen Lillian stood face to face with Emperor Frederick. Both parties were alone, as neither trusted each other to allow their guards in the room.
"Have you gone mad, Freddy," demanded Queen Lillian, "you just barged in on a wedding and threatened to slaughter my own subjects. Innocent people!"
"Fairy tale folk are a disease," said Emperor Frederick, "and Shrek in particular stands out."
"That so-called 'Nobleman' had it coming," replied Queen Lillian, "I wouldn't have wanted to deal with him anyways."
"My mentor was a visionary," said Emperor Frederick, "but unfortunately you are too stupid to see it that way."
"Lord Farquaad," said Queen Lillian, "was a heartless, godless tyrant with a Napoleon complex. He tortured and murdered innocents. That man deserved his fate."
Emperor Frederick said nothing. He simply scowled as the Queen continued to lecture him.
"I hear that Deuscha isn't a nice place either," she continued, "between the absolute disregard for individual rights, the brutal secret police you have, and that you deal out the harshest punishments for the smallest offenses. You are a complete disgrace to this world!"
Emperor Frederick drew his sword and pointed it at the Queen's throat. Then he chuckled and said "And you are the widowed ruler of a decadent, impure kingdom. In a matter of hours, my forces will be here," he continued, "and Far Far Away will be in flames. Reduced to ashes for me to build a new, better kingdom on top of."
"You mad fool," said Queen Lillian, "my guards will…"
"Uh, uh, uh," interrupted Emperor Frederick, "don't get ahead of yourself. My men have orders to incapacitate the guards you have outside this chamber. And I have even more spies inside these very walls sabotaging your defenses. So you might as well surrender and I will let you live."
"You won't get away with this," said Queen Lillian as she spat on Emperor Frederick.
"I'm just about to," replied the sadistic Emperor as he subdued her. Then the Emperor called his soldiers. "Take the Queen to basecamp," he ordered them. They nodded and dragged the Queen out of the room.
"Hahahahahahahaha," the Emperor laughed, "Hahaha! Victory is in my grasp!"
Meanwhile in Puss and Kitty's chamber, the mood was drastically different.
Kitty and Perrito occupied the room while Puss was out supposedly getting a midnight snack.
"Hi Perrito," said Kitty as she petted him on the head, "it's so good to see you." Perrito said nothing as he enjoyed her company. "I'm so glad to be here."
"I'm happy you're here too," said Perrito, "I'm always happy to see my friends. What about this 'grown-up' stuff with Puss?"
"Oh, Puss," replied Kitty, "I don't think he's…"
The door to the chamber swung open dramatically, revealing Puss holding a bottle of champagne and a rose in his mouth.
"Buenos noches," said Puss seductively.
"Never mind," said Kitty to Perrito.
"Ready for some wild, unprotected lovemaking," asked Puss as he sabered the champagne bottle open, causing the foam to spew out like a geyser.
"Depends," said Kitty as she laid down with her arms open, "do you like the living dead?"
"What," asked Perrito.
"Go to bed," said Kitty in a stern, maternal voice.
"So I can't watch," asked Perrito.
"No," said Puss and Kitty in sync.
"Okay," said Perrito as he walked to his chamber, "well have fun."
"Where were we," asked Kitty after Perrito was gone.
"Something about necrophilia," said Puss.
"You're nasty," said Kitty, "I like that."
"Still care for some champagne," asked Puss.
"Forget the champagne," said Kitty as she took the bottle, "I just died today after marrying you, I want to come back to life now." She then took a swig of it anyway before placing it on a night table.
"We are both disgusting creatures," teased Puss.
Kitty said nothing as she caressed Puss's face and climbed into the bed. Puss, stricken with his natural impulses, quickly followed.
"Do you want to show me your other sword," asked Kitty playfully.
"Si, Senora In Boots," said Puss, "Si."
"I like the sound of that," said Kitty, "Kitty In Boots." Then she kissed him.
"You call that a kiss," asked Puss, "let me show you how Frisky Two-Times does it." Puss passionately kissed Kitty, pressing his lips against hers, rubbing up and down before eventually letting go.
In that moment, Kitty's entire life flashed in front of her eyes, but not in a bad way. Every moment since she met Puss, from getting hit on the head with a guitar, to climbing the beanstalk, to fighting the giant goose in San Ricardo, to being deserted in Santa Coloma. She then saw her reintroduction to Puss, meeting Perrito, and the quest for the Wishing Star.
"Something wrong," asked Puss out of concern.
Kitty just stared into his green eyes.
"Kitty," he asked.
Kitty smiled and said, "Let's make a Gatito."
"Ah," said Puss, "Si." Then he let his wild side take over as the two began playfully wrestling, leading up to the grown up stuff.
"I am so glad we made up," said Puss as he went to work on Kitty.
"Me too," replied Kitty.
—-
Author's Note: Well that was an interesting chapter to write. In a few days, the promised invasion arc begins. Also, I'm seriously considering bumping it up to an M rating, with the dark turn the church scene took, as well as Puss and Kitty's very organic dirty talk, and there's probably going to be some disturbing scenes in the future. Let me know your thoughts!