Erwin Smith has always expressed gratitude for your efforts despite the gap in age, profession, and his minimal gestures when out of work premises. He can be meticulous with outputs—brutally honest even—but considerate nonetheless. All with constant assurances of "It's okay, you'll get the hang of it soon," and when you respond, "What if I don't?" He smiles as if to say he's been there too, "Then I failed as your mentor," he cocks his head to the side in a light tease, "and I'm not the type who fails unless I say so, am I?"

The camaraderie, the neverending reminders of how crucial collective work is, among many technicalities—got you drawn, utterly motivated, and so you clung to him to learn more.

One night, when Erwin remarked that he had to stay inside the office to finish an output, you excused yourself not to go home but to bring two cups of coffee at hand.

"What are you doing here?" He really did assume he was the one left inside the building. Although seated in his office chair, Erwin's body was wrapped with a thick blanket, hair tousled (the gel was removed because he washed his face), wearing his night glasses, and the lights were dim.

Beneath the dim lights, however, the warm smile you gave him was more apparent than daylight.

"I haven't grabbed my stuff yet," you nudged a look at your workstation, backpack occupying the whole chair.

"Yeah, and I was waiting for you to send me a message full of keyboard smashes and a favor to book a courier taxi for your bag."

Soft chuckles ensued as you sat on the chair before him, "I will never put you into such inconvenience, Sir, but I believe we can submit this draft if we work on it together tonight."

Erwin held back his gratitude as he wasn't convinced to let a youngster like you stay. Although your help is very much needed, he can't just take that for granted. You have errands outside this office. You're paid less as his research assistant. "Thank you for the coffee. I was just about to get out for one. But really, don't bother with this and go home."

"I insist, sir."

"I respectfully refuse."

Of course, you know he won't get convinced with a coffee bribe, so you handed him a folder instead. "I saw your to-do list for tonight and remembered that I had done the basic outline of it the previous day. Would you mind checking it to see if it could help?"

Easy, Erwin thought. He just has to point out the mistakes, thank you for your effort, then book a taxi because it's getting really late now. However, when he opened the document, Erwin was perplexed.

You did well; you really did. The previous brutal feedback was taken to heart; now he's left with no other remarks.

He also realized you had lied. You saw his to-do list earlier and then spent the rest of your shift rushing to make it. This is no basic outline but rather half of the work he had to do for tonight. Nonetheless, he knew you'd get flustered if he pointed that out, so he opted not to.

"Well, seems like I'll be able to sleep tonight after all," he put down the folder and gave you a smile. "Thank you very much. This is by far the most excellent output I've got from you."

Your eyes lit up. The high praise overpowered any semblance of fluster, "Really? Is it that good?"

"It is. I just have to continue the rest. You may now go home."

"No, I told you I'm staying in for tonight."

"What else would you do?"

"Uh… help you with the rest of the output?"

"I can do that alone."

"But easier with my help!" When you sensed Erwin was unwavering on this one, you sighed and pulled out a lie. "Okay, it's because I have a favor."

"Oh?" Erwin is sat with that. After all, he cannot accept an offer that's not beneficial to both parties. If you have an agenda for this stay, then, "What could that be?"

You don't want this favor to be something he has to pay for, "Well, if my output is okay and you have no other comments, then maybe I'm qualified to join the fact-finding mission concerning this research next month?"

"The place is not finalized yet; it can be really far from here."

"I know, and I want to join," Besides, it's more chances of helping him. It's not a bad lie on your end after all.

"Okay then, but you don't have to stay overnight for that. You could've just asked me during office hours."

"I want to prove that I'm capable first."

Erwin's eyebrows raised in amusement. He didn't see the possibility of you getting this insecure over your skills. "But you've always been capable. You're the longest research assistant I've had so far. That alone is already telling a lot, don't you think?"

"Really? Did you fire the previous ones?"

"No, I would never, but they couldn't take the demand in outputs. You're one of the few who withstood revising your output five times."

"Then all the more reason to let me stay here tonight, don't you think? Believe me, with the upcoming fact-finding, I'll need this one now."

Erwin removed his glasses with a sigh, "You don't need to go this far; it's what I'm telling you. You're still young, don't tie yourself over—"

"I want to learn more and stay longer in this field. I already take pride in being your longest research assistant, and I can do more than that! I'll get even more capable. We'll get this research internationally! That's a worthwhile youthful agenda!"

Erwin was silenced; it was as if he was looking at himself, too—a younger, much more enthusiastic person with an unwavering thirst for knowledge. It was also then he realized that there's no use stopping you. You're not the kind of person to be stopped; you're no brittle glass; you're one aching to be filled with more water.

Your boss sighed defeatedly as he wore his glasses again, "Suit yourself. Just don't hesitate to ask me questions while you're at it."

You smiled in delight, features brightened up. It was contagious; Erwin almost smiled, too.

"But," he sternly emphasized, "You'll sleep. I'll set the alarm. If that rings, set yourself on the couch and sleep, understood?"

It was quickly replaced with a frown, "I'll sleep after I finish."

"You're inside my office outside office hours. Your welfare is in my hands."

You turned your back in forlorn; you had already decided to stay up all night. It won't be easy for you to sleep now.

"Answer me."

"Yes, Sir."

Above your insincere compliance, however, Erwin had this warmth trembling inside him. It was appreciation, an urge even, to ensure you'll have what you aspire to have.

He really did make sure you were asleep by three in the morning. When Erwin checked you on the couch, your eyebrows were curled, and disappointment laced your features at the forced command. He heaved a laugh, grabbed a thicker blanket, and covered you in it, all believing that the warmth trembling inside him was just a resolve to help you achieve your goals.

What Erwin had felt since that day was something akin to a guardian. You seem to desire to reach a place exactly where he is. Although unsure of your reasons why, Erwin felt capable of doing just that.

But you know the reason why well; it's rather disappointing than noble. You like Erwin, and so you want to stand on equal ground. At first, you attempted to rationalize that this could be a silly infatuation and that you must build up a stronger resolve. However, infatuation doesn't last for years. It doesn't get to the point of getting included in your long-term plans in life.

So in time, alongside Erwin getting more comfortable and closer to you, your resolve to be his equal slipped beyond the professional scheme. It transcended to your habits, to your preference, to your physical appearance—your playlist is set a generation behind, being called young irks you, you dress like your older workmates, you're eager to conceal the emotions lacking composure, the sudden surge when excited, among many other things that fit the standard of maturity.

You want to stand beside him, to be regarded as his equal, because by then, maybe… maybe he'll consider having you longer in his life.

Erwin construed your methods differently, though. He felt pity as though the institution deprived you of your youth. That's why when you entered your master's degree, he referred you to joining study groups of people your age. He stuck his ear out regarding college night outs so he could tap you to join them. He even considered hiring another young assistant in the department just so you could have someone to jive with.

"No, I'd rather stay here."

"Why is that?" his voice tilted teasingly, "Are they out of your league? Perhaps too old for that kind of thing?"

You shrugged, "I guess. I'm not getting younger after all."

"Let yourself be young."

"Sir, I am not young anymore."

"You are. Remember the time we went out for fact-finding? A local thought you were someone's child—"

"I will never forgive them for it," you hissed at the memory, "I might be the youngest one there, but to say I'm an employee's child is overreacting!"

"Well, you were the youngest out of everyone. It's not a surprising comment."

You didn't answer, but now the annoyed demeanor got more palpable.

It begged Erwin to ask, "Do you hate being young?"

You do! Oh, hell, you do. Being younger means being farther from where he is. Being incapable of reaching him, holding his hand, his hair, and all the things you want to grasp and hold with adoration. Being young means maintaining a table-away distance, a distance that must be safeguarded so normalcy remains in peace. Being younger imposes a lot of things that render you in swirling emotions of disdain, sadness, grief even.

He called your name, "What's bad with being so young? I'm quite intrigued to know, given that you're the first person I've ever seen rushing away from it."

And for the first time ever, Erwin was surprised at the look you gave him. It was sad, utterly sad. There was a hint of trembling in your lids, your eyebrows were curled, and you were so close to crying. Before your eyes could tell more than you wanted to say, you averted the gaze away.

He was too taken aback to speak, and you're trembling so much to even clarify.

At that moment, only one thing registered with the older man: the talk of being young is a very serious matter for you, and he got even more concerned about it.

"Hey," Hange, your workmate, placed a cold can of coffee on your cheek, "Penny for your thoughts? You're quite down lately."

"I almost cried in front of Mr. Smith."

"Really? Maybe that's why Erwin told me to look over you more often. What brought you to the verge of crying, though? You seem to be immune to his brutal standards by now."

"It's quite more childish than that."

"you're not even old. Let yourself be childish."

You frowned badly. "That's what he said to me."

"Oh…" Hange took a while to respond, but when they finally did, annoyance was plastered. "You're getting on my nerves now. Youthfulness is not something to shed a tear for!"

"Being young exposes me to a lot of belittling!"

"Is that really the reason why?"

"People look at me as though I'm lacking a lot of things!"

"Even people as old as Erwin can be as lacking as you are!"

"But they can still stand beside him as equal either way! Despite lacking a lot of things, all of you can reach him in a way I never could because of my age! Because I'm automatically seen as someone inferior due to youthfulness! I know it's not something to frown upon, but I'm getting quite sick of it, too, you know?"

However, the sharp Hange went past your current concern. They called your name slowly with wide eyes, "Don't tell me you… like him?" The last word was said in a whisper as if someone from behind was listening.

That realization drenched you in cold water.

You turned sidewards, slowly so, hoping in all your might that it wasn't what you were thinking at all.

Oh, how you hate to be right…

It's Erwin who didn't make his presence known while you and Hange were talking. No apparent emotions were shown, but it didn't take much for you to know that he still heard it.

Furthermore, there's something only you could notice. Erwin's face for the past few days has been full of questions about finding something he's been bothered about.

The hint of bother is gone now.

He had reached his answer.

He now knows you like him. You almost felt yourself throwing up.

"Sorry," Hange said from behind, "but well… if you really don't like to be deemed as young, then I respect that. It's not like your reasons are irrational."

You didn't hear Hange continue their rationalizations anymore. In fear that Erwin will come to a conclusion of firing you in hopes it will expand your horizons, you didn't give anyone a chance to bring that up again—not Hange, not Erwin, not even your own mind.

You didn't know how Erwin processed that information, but there's one thing you noticed: Erwin's attempts of jiving you along your age group had stopped, and never did he call you young again.

Because, in hindsight, it's just very human of him to admit that he'd rather die than act upon the feelings he has for you, not only because he's scared for himself and for the probable ruin to his reputation (he never thought this was the primary) but because he is utterly scared for you, for your future, for the endless opportunities you could have if not tied by your affection towards him.

And thus, he'd rely on the subtleties of loving you silently. You're short on money? He'll lend you one—only because you'll never let yourself not pay him back. Do you look tired? He'll offer a coffee to everyone in the office so it wouldn't appear that it's only for you. Do you need someone to talk to, someone to listen to your funny stories? Heck, that would be his utmost favorite profession.

He'll keep on doing just that until the subtleties in question start to pile up, up and up and up, until it brings Erwin on the verge of exploding. After all, mere droplets of water can still make a glass full. Unluckily for him, however, you'll start picking up the clues with his quiet verges. You will overhear how he's planning to settle overseas, as the foreign university he previously worked with allowed him to do so. Too shy to ask, you'd rely on eavesdropping, on silly little conversations—it is until you hear Erwin mumble your name.

"It's only a matter of time until I lose myself. Losing myself means running whatever she has for herself."

"You manage not to lose yourself all this time. What difference would this make? As long as you keep your hands like every other day, then everything will remain in its rightful place. The institution needs you, Erwin."

"It's getting more difficult, Levi." he heaves an utterly tired sigh, "I underestimated the things she could do without her knowing."

Indeed, he might've done just that. Slowly but surely, you tried to convince him otherwise. You reiterated how the institution needs him, and eventually, when his resolve didn't waver, you broke down. You broke down, begging that you need him.

"If this is about your teetering control over your affection, then I'll try my best not to disturb you!"

"You knew?"

"If you're so scared to shatter this peaceful and normal setup, then I'll set my mind to not ruining it, too! Just please, please don't go. We—" you lied as a lump formed up your throat. You're the only one who needs him the most here. "We need you."

You knew. You knew. You knew. If he wasn't so level-headed, Erwin would surely break his composure. It's no use underestimating you further, though. He deems you sharp and smart for a reason.

As if things couldn't get any worse, you huffed a sob when Erwin smiled wistfully. That's when you knew that he could never change his mind anymore. Oh, there's no use underestimating each other.

"This is something I really want to do for myself," Erwin called your name; empathy laced his voice, "I hope you understand."

You sobbed harder. And for the first and last time, Erwin let himself give in to his vices. He walked towards you and wrapped your sullen figure in his embrace. He didn't hug too hard, just right for it to deem that it is for farewell and not for anything deeper. He kept the hug very light, not in any way related to his unwavering but forbidden affection.

Years after Erwin's gone, it came to you that he had married someone. The marriage didn't last long. Most of the people in the office believed that was the reason why he was not in good shape anymore. Voiding yourself of any lament that his affection might be indeed something he left in this very office, you set your mind to following him. Somehow, there's this silly, silly thought inside your head, and the only way to satiate it is to prove yourself wrong.

"Erwin heard you're planning to apply where he is."

"Oh? What did he say?"

"he didn't take the news well. He's asking me to change your mind instead."

"Levi, you're not making me change my mind by outing him."

"I will not try. There's just one favor on my end." he tiredly mused. When you urged him to continue, he sighed. "Please don't make this harder for him as it is."

"Why? Why would I make it harder? What relevance do I even have?"

"You know the reason why he left."

"And? He moved on. He had a wife not long after."

"And if I tell you the reason why he got divorced is the same reason why he left us here, what then?"

You shattered once again. You're not even there yet, and you've already proved your silly thoughts right.

"I'm not the one to rely on groundless rumors."

"Rumor is the last thing that will come out of my mouth."

"I already booked a flight."

Defeated, Levi left the room without a word, leaving you and the tears teetering at the lid of your eyes.

Upon arrival at the country he's in, you sought him first and foremost. He gave a small smile, full of endearing familiarity, but in the corner of his eyes, there was this lurking forlorn.

"You look like you've seen better days, sir."

He heaved a tired laugh, "And you're not making this easier for me."

"I know… but I stand by my word. I set my mind to not ruin this peaceful and normal setup you're so valiantly building for us."

It rendered Erwin in quite a tormenting silence. For once, you could almost see him shatter again. His fingertips shook for a second, as if he got tremors as if he got the urge to act upon his feelings only to hold them back like the resolute man he is. You saw his eyes turn even more lamentable, only to blink so they would display a relatively more appropriate emotion. He opened his mouth only to close it again, open and close until he gulped down. You can see in those few seconds how Erwin bravely decided not to break normalcy or shatter the wall of professionality between the two of you.

Forming up the unbreakable mask, Erwin called your name, "I'll trust you very much on that one."

Despite the short agreement, Erwin asked you out on the third day of your settlement. Now, as you sit by each other with drinks in your hands, there comes lurking questions of "what if?" inside your heads.

You silently pondered about what if you didn't let Erwin be bothered by your concerns about age in the first place? Maybe, just maybe… he wouldn't reach this point of getting a country far away from you, not to the point of wiping someone up just so he could throw away his affection. To fix that somehow, you made sure you'll be assigned to a different office. Meaning, all the instances of bumping into one another could be intentional or avoidable. He can see you if he wants, but you'll never try to do so yourself. Knowing that he's nearby keeps you at ease already. That's what you're on all this time, after all—to not be too far from where he is.

At Erwin's end, he vocalized his own "what if" after minutes of tormenting silence, "Maybe if I referred you to another division as soon as I heard that…" he didn't finish the remark but rather replaced it with a sigh. Despite the lack of eye contact, you can observe that he's a bit drunk already.

You took that to your benefit.

"What would change?"

"A lot of things, I'm sure."

"Such as…?"

"The need to undergo this kind of torment."

You could almost feel yourself crumbling. This was supposedly a catching-up night out. It was going well so far.

"Is liking me really that distasteful for you back then?" you joked—oh, you hope you were able to tone it as a joke. Erwin chuckled; it gave you a sigh of relief.

"Levi had told you even that one, I see."

"He didn't say much, don't worry." The conversation is starting to leave a bitter taste in your mouth. You start to fidget around the hem of your blouse. "I think I've drunk enough. I have errands to do early in the morning. I guess we'll—"

"Liking you was never a distasteful matter for me."

You stopped. The churn in your stomach got even larger. If he says it this softly, then how could you stop the urge to run to him, to hold him close in comfort, to say that it was never his fault that he liked you, that both of you are not at fault for liking each other?

"Liking you was never a distasteful matter; acting upon that likeness is," he added.

"You never acted upon it."

"I did," Erwin dismissed the notion quickly despite his mind being slowed by the drink, "I acted upon it because I didn't transfer you to another division as soon as I realized the reason why you don't want to be young."

"no one brought it up again."

"I acted upon it because I took advantage of your preference to never bring that up. I hid along the subtleties and even enjoyed doing so."

Erwin then placed his glass of wine on the table. It's empty. You want to fill it up yourself; if only the taste of wine in your mouth didn't get too sour to handle.

When you felt the sourness tipping tears in your eyes, you replied, "I set my mind to not ruining this peaceful and normal setup you've so valiantly built for us. We're not—" The sourness didn't subside; it said a lot with tears cutting you off and draping your cheeks, "—fuck."

"Why did you follow me here?"

"I didn't. I saw this as an opportunity for the betterment of my goals."

"What goals, exactly?"

Of reaching you where you are—both of you know that is your unchanging answer. "Of finding myself."

He smiled at the lie, "Are you sure you'll be able to find yourself here?"

"I always find myself wherever you are."

It surprised him. He didn't think it'd be a truth on your end.

"I said we're not supposed to talk about this; why would you—" you finally gave in; you brought your hands to your face then sobbed, "I've set my mind on it. I already made sure I would—"

"Do you still like me?"

His question halted you, your cries, even the motion and sound of the place surrounding you.

Is there a point in lying?

"It's an irrelevant question, sir. There's no point in hearing my answer."

"How about my answer?" Erwin prompted, just as if he did not see you struggle with his questions at all. "Are you okay without hearing it?"

Huh…?

You looked up at him, breath getting heavy in your chest, "what do you mean…?"

He looked you straight in the eye. He might be a bit drunk, but this is something he decided with a clear mind. This is the reason why he asked you out tonight, "Don't you want to hear my answer?"

"I want to."

he nodded, just as he expected. "then answer it first."

"I still like you," your looked away in a fluster, "it never wavered despite your attempts of going away from me."

"I was away from you for five years."

"Yes, and still. I still like you even then. your efforts were futile."

He turned silent again, and thus you got the courage to look him in the eye, "How about your answer—" until you realized the fragile expression he had on his face. It's looking down at the glass, now half full, but with sullen eyes and defeated composure.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." you clarified.

"I asked for it."

"I know."

"And I'm yet to give my answer."

"Feel free."

"Are you sure you want to hear it?"

"Yes…" you fear that he'd say no—that he doesn't like you anymore. Worse, that he liked his then-wife more than you. However, any answer that warrants his full honesty is something you need to be able to move forward from tonight.

Your ponders were cut off when you felt a hand wrap on your cheek. It tilted your face a bit so you'd look up into his eyes again. It is then you notice that he scooted closer.

You felt his thumb roll over the skin as if savoring the first time it's ever been granted the privilege of touching you intimately.

"It never wavered for me, too, but I guess this answer isn't surprising on your end, is it?"

"I… never got the chance to confirm it, so…"

"That's why," his hold on your cheek got quite tighter, his voice turned into a whisper—into a tiny, desperate plea, "please don't make this harder for both of us and go back there. Can you do that for me?"

"Why would it be harder if we both like each other?"

Was the question too naive? That's the first thing you thought, and Erwin answered yes, it is, by wrapping his palm on your other cheek.

Cupping both sides of your face this time, he replied, "In a hopeful and kinder world, both of us wouldn't budge an eye with what others have to say. It won't bother you a bit if your loved ones scorn you. You'd take the institution's disdain with a grain of salt. You'd look past beyond the side eyes of your friends and colleagues because it's not a big deal." he paused as he shot a look all over your face, finding a hint of understanding. "You see, we're not in a hopeful and kinder world I'm speaking of."

"But I can do what you said despite that."

"And the thing is, I can't," Erwin admitted. "I couldn't live at the thought of subjecting both of us to that position."

You felt your cheeks numbing, every fluid inside you emptying coldly as if something cracked underneath.

Despite that, Erwin called your name, "Do you understand? It's not just the things we can do, but also the things we can't at all."

"Are you not willing to try?"

"Dying would be way easier for me."

Oh.

Oh no.

When you were not able to answer, his hands gently withdrew away from your cheeks—the simple touch, perhaps, was able to satiate the years long of yearning for him.

And above all, he was able to register his point.

"Days after your arrival, I realized that the normalcy between us is now nothing but a foolish facade. It's ruined the day you decided to come here." he shot the last bits of his drink before getting ready to go, "All I'm asking for is a favor. I don't want to spend the rest of our lives like this."

You had never thought how requited love could inflict a greater torment than a love unreturned. It was not mere droplets that made the glass full this time around, but rather a huge downpour that cracked it into pieces.

You didn't even nod to agree or glare in disdain. You just grabbed your things and walked away from the scene even before he could witness the crying mess that you'll be due to this event.

As Erwin watched you storm out, he clasped the hands that touched your cheeks. Erwin hoped that alone—as your cheeks, scent, and your very presence were the most pleasant thing he had laid upon for years—he hoped that would suffice for him. After all, despite the shattering confrontation, he was able to confirm one thing: the warmth he felt upon touching your cheeks was the same as the night he saw you sleeping on the office couch.

And the warmth will stay for as long as he lives, unrelentingly ungranted.