Chapter 5:

It was so awkward walking back in to work the following day. I could feel everyone's eyes staring at me and could see the pity that emanated from them. I just wanted to move on from that horrible ordeal and focus on work. It was comforting to know that the only other person who would understand was my partner Elliot, and he is the one I would be working with the most. We both wanted to move on from Lewis' torture but there was still the awkwardness of the brief make out session we had in my hotel room. Just then I heard, "Good morning, Liv. It's good to see you." I looked up from my desk right into those crystal blue eyes and saw that decadent smile. I couldn't help but smile back and noticed my heart racing and my stomach flipping. There has been this sexual tension and a stir in the air between El and I for the last several years but now that we crossed the line, it had intensified. All I could think about was kissing him as soon as he came anywhere near me. This was going to be harder than I thought.

Cragen met with the whole SVU squad to brief us on a new case. El and I were assigned to stake out a suspected pedophile's apartment. We didn't have enough evidence on him yet, so we needed to watch him to document his daily patterns and see who came in and out of his apartment building. I instantly had butterflies in my stomach at the thought of sitting in a car close to El all day. It was good that we would have time to discuss what happened last month in my hotel room but bad for keeping images of jumping Elliot's bones in the car out of my head. After the meeting, El turned to me and said, "Ready partner?" I smiled back and said, "Let's go."

We had been parked for about an hour with a feeling of tension and awkward silence in the air between us. I didn't know how to bring up the hotel room situation, but something had to be said. "So, can we talk about that last time we saw each other?" El cleared his throat, "I'm sorry about that Liv. I was vulnerable and emotional and said things I didn't mean. Can we just forget it ever happened?" My chest suddenly felt like it was being stepped on. Did he really not mean any of it? The passion I felt when he kissed me was like nothing else, I had ever felt before. A lump began to form in my throat and tears accumulated in the corners of my eyes. I turned towards my window so he wouldn't see what an emotional basket case I was being. I couldn't let him know that I didn't want to forget it ever happened and that I yearned for him so badly I couldn't think about anything else.

I could feel him staring at me and the tears were now overflowing onto my cheeks. This was so embarrassing to be in love with a man that I could not have. There is no way we could continue to work together like this. It would be way too hard for me and would affect my work and how I handle cases. He reached out and grabbed my hand. Tingles traveled from my hand all the way up my arm. His touch felt so good, and I didn't want him to ever let go. "Liv, you're crying. I can't seem to say or do anything right. I just want to go back to the way things were before Lewis. I can't handle this awkwardness between us." I turned to look at him but didn't know what to say so I just stared. He had pain in his eyes, and I could see he was really struggling to hold it together. He reached over with his other hand, placed it on my face, and gently wiped a tear away with his thumb. He then leaned over and kissed me hard with that same passion as before. I wanted to resist since I was hurt and angry, but I couldn't. He felt so good and suddenly our tongues were intertwined, and he tasted so good. My hands were suddenly on the back of his neck holding onto him so he wouldn't stop. I was also aware that his hands were now moving down my back to the hem of my shirt. He slipped them under my shirt and cupped my breasts. My breath caught in my throat and I let out a small groan of pleasure. This only increased his intensity, and he slid his hands down, grabbed my ass, and lifted me on top of him so I was now straddling him.

My brain was telling me this needed to stop now, or we were both going to be in big trouble. My body was not listening to my brain and all I could think about was how bad I wanted him naked and on top of me. We were supposed to be working and were making out like teenagers in a police vehicle. I did finally pull away and we were both panting and out of breath again just like in the hotel room. I reluctantly climbed off him and sat back down in the passenger seat. I said, "I thought you wanted to forget about what happened in the hotel room and that you didn't mean what you said." He turned to look out his window while rubbing the back of his head with his right hand. "Liv, I don't know what to do. You have this pull over me like no one else. I can't hurt Kathy like this, but I can't stop thinking about you. I'm telling myself that this means nothing and that I was just emotional from what happened to us, but I want you bad Liv." I didn't know how to respond or what to say so I just sat there trying to regroup from the heavy make out session. We were mostly silent the rest of the shift and just said our goodbyes back at the station. This emotional roller coaster was draining, and I didn't know how to get off it.